As this is my 100th blog post, I think it is a time for a break. No, not a temporal break, though I’ve often considered an extended interlude, having written steadily since launching “8 Ball on the Silver Screen” in the summer of 2013. And no, not a billiards break, as that is a constant of many of the movies and episodes I review.
I mean a commercial break. After all, given many cinemas will now show upwards of 20 minutes of on-screen advertisements in advance of a feature presentation, taking a commercial break from a movie/television blog seems quite appropriate.
But, this is not just any commercial break. This is about advertisements featuring billiards, such as Chrysler’s 2014 two-minute Super Bowl ad which featured Bob Dylan casually playing pool in a bar. Billiards is like Forrest Gump, popping up in advertisements across all industries, from automotives to 1-900 sex lines. The complete list is beyond my research bandwidth, so instead, I’ve cherry-picked some of the best. Presenting the TOP 10 TELEVISION COMMERCIAL BREAKS FEATURING BILLIARDS. Let the countdown begin!
10. Kraft – Melke Chocolate. In this 2000 Norwegian “Billiards” commercial created by Leo Burnett, a man becomes a wee bit too interested in an otherwise leisurely game of pool. Crouching to observe a player’s stroke, he is accidentally knocked in the mouth by the cue butt. Howling in pain and losing a few teeth, the man is a natural target for Melke, the “soft porous chocolate that melts in your mouth.”
9. Wonderful Pistachios. According to the satirist and television personality Stephen Colbert, pistachios are a “delicious snack and a useful tool.” He then proceeds to use a single pistachio to chalk his cue stick, as he prepares to play billiards in this 2014 15-second commercial, created by the Fire Station agency as part of the “Get Crackin’ America” campaign. Apparently, Freedum the Eagle has other plans for the table.
8. McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites. This 2012 ad from DDB provided a four-part comparison between pool and Spicy Chicken McBites. Both require one to (1) start off right; (2) have flavor; (3) add a little something special; and (4) finally bring the heat. Not sure that analogy makes a ton of sense, but “I’m Lovin’ It” that the commercial includes some nice billiards camera work, sharp sound effects, and a four-rail finale.
7. Budweiser. It happens every day. You’re playing pool against a sultry woman who nearly fellates her cue stick blowing the chalk dust off the tip. She takes her shot and wham-o…the object ball flies clear off the table, knocking you out on the head. What’s a woman to do? As this 1999 30-second commercial from DBB makes clear, waving “skunky beer” under your nose sure isn’t the answer; providing “brewery fresh Budweiser is.” (Note: Pool also had a starring role in Budwesier’s 30-second “Ginger or Mary Ann?” ad from 1993.)
6. NHL on Fox Sports. As if billiards hasn’t experienced enough difficulty trying to build an audience on TV, in 1990 Fox Sports went right for the sternum with their advertisement, “Billiards would be better if it were hockey” to promote their weekly NHL Saturday matches. This 15-second spot featured a player at the fictitious Diamond Hills 9-Ball Invitational getting thwacked with a cue stick by his opponent rushing in from the sideline. A similar parody was done on bowling.
5. Levi’s Jeans. The dungarees maker turned a few heads in this 1991 45-second commercial entitled “Pool Hall.” Using no words, but girded by The Clash’s anthem, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” the commercial focuses on a handsome man who is denied entrance to a pool hall unless he can pay up. Since the man has no money, the unctuous proprietor indicates that if the man loses, he must give up his blue jeans. Fortunately, the guy is a shark, and turning the tables on the proprietor, handily beats him and then demands his pants as appropriate payment.
4. Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi. Heinz may be the global ketchup leader, but in Russia 10 years ago, ketchup was still synonymous with the Russian Baltimor brand. In 2006, the French actor Gerard Depardieu starred in a one-minute commercial in which a buxom blonde challenges him to a game of billiards. If he wins, she’ll kiss him; if he loses, he has to eat his hat. She beats him badly, prompting the defeated Depardieu to request a bottle of Baltimor to make his hat tastier. When some squirts onto the woman’s shirt, the announcer says, “Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi: Makes Everything Edible.”
3. Guinness Beer. Forget what you know about billiards evolving from the lawn games of 14th century France. In “Table,” a 45-second ad from Saatchi & Saatchi, the game was invented by “some blokes in a pub.” Originally a rather primitive pastime, the lads innovated by adding holes and pockets, and ultimately celebrated the “only way they knew how…by potting the black,” a reference both to snooker and to stout Guinness beer.
2. Aurora Skittle Pool. Don Adams, the secret agent from Get Smart (which included a billiards episode “Dead Spy Scrawls”), starred in this minute-long commercial from 1970. The ad features Adams playing “Wisconsin Skinny” (a tongue-and-cheek reference to pool legend Minnesota Fats) in a game of pool – specifically, Skittle Pool, a tabletop billiards game in which players use a pendulum-powered ball to sink shots. Adams, an experienced pool player in his own right, was a big promoter of the table sport, even appearing on the cover of the game box.
1. Miller Lite Beer. Among commercials featuring billiards, the archetype and leader-of-the-pack is this 1978 commercial featuring world pool champion Steve Mizerak. Arguing that one needs to stay fast and light on their feet when they shoot pool, the Miz explains that’s why he drinks Lite Beer from Miller. In the pitch-perfect ending, he explains further that “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off,” as he makes an eye-popping five ball trick shot for a crowd of pleased onlookers.
So there’s my list of Top 10 Television Commercials Featuring Billiards. Maybe this list made you want to reach for a Miller, grab a handful of nuts, or get some drive-thru Spicy Chicken McBites. But, far more important, maybe this list made you want to reach for a cue stick and shoot some billiards. Now that’s a break worth taking.
