Tag Archives: billiards TV

Super Gran – “Supergran Snookered”

grandma snooker shirtGo online and search for ‘grandmothers playing billiards (or snooker).’ Aside from an article about Grandma Fatma, Turkey’s oldest snooker fan, or a Maltese nonagenarian who likes Stephen Hendry, the pickings are slim.  Yet, the concept has a certain hip factor, as evidenced by the variety of available merch emblazoned with slogans such as, “Some Grandmas Play Bingo; Real Grandmas Play Pool,” “Never Underestimate the Power of a Grandma Who Plays Pool,” and my favorite, “My Grandma Will Break Your Balls.”

In fact, the concept’s popular appeal can be traced back at least to May 1987, during the second season of the British children’s television show SuperGran. In the “Supergran Snookered” episode, our favorite superpowered grandmother, Granny Smith (Gudrun Ure) demonstrates that aside from being able to jump tremendous heights and hear distressed communications from a long distance, she also shoots a mean game of snooker.The episode is available to watch below.

For the unfamiliar, SuperGran, which was based on a series of children’s books by Forrest Wilson, is about an elderly grandma who accidentally acquires superpowers when she is hit by a magic ray. In the guise of Super Gran, she protects the residents of the fictional town of Chiselton from villains such as Roderick ‘Scunner’ Campbell (Iain Cuthbertson) and his gang, the Muscles.

In “Supergran Snookered,” Campbell fortuitously realizes that the local overweight Cat Burglar, initially dismissed and denigrated as a “myopic mass of multitudinous flab” or a “quivering colossal crumb” is a snooker prodigy. Armed with his new secret weapon, the ever-scheming Campbell becomes a snooker promoter. As the narrator shares, “By the end of that day, Scunner Campbell was walking on air. Yes you could keep your Joe Johnsons, your Hurricane Higgins and your Whirlwind Whites, the next snooker sensation just had to be Fat Cat Burglar.”

SupergranAs snooker fever envelopes Chiseltown, Campbell sets up the Chiseltown Snooker Championship, which ultimately draws the attention of Mr. McBigg, a resident gangster, who wagers 50,000 pounds (approximately $135,000 USD today).  The match is supposed to feature Cat Burglar against McBigg’s stakehorse, Hot Shot Houlihan. But, complications ensue, leading to McBigg playing SuperGran, a last-minute substitute for Cat Burglar.  Though McBigg initially disparages her as “the Tartan twit that jumps through walls,” he quickly becomes mum, as SuperGran runs 147 points for a perfect break. 

The light-hearted episode allows SuperGran to showcase a variety of her enhanced skills, including accelerated cartwheeling, bicycle stunt riding, and superhuman strength. But, of course, it’s her snooker that really shines. 

While the actual filming of the snooker is terrible (i.e., all potted balls, no set-ups, no continuous shots), the scene’s saving grace is none other than the real Willie Thorne, who watches from the stands, patiently awaiting his “few pointers” from SuperGran.

 

25,000 Miles of Billiards Sketch Comedies

At least since 1948, when Milton Berle first hosted Texaco Star Theater, television has aired sketch comedy shows. Over the years, and propelled by the success of sketch comedy titans such as Saturday Night Live and Monty Python’s Flying Circus, hundreds of shows have followed.  

Van Hammersly

“Van Hammersly” – Mr. Show

While they’re concentrated in certain geographic markets, such as the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom, sketch comedy shows are a global television genre. Early progenitors arose in the Netherlands (Van Kooten en De Bie) and Mexico (Los Supergenios de la Mesa Cuadrada); more recent incarnations are everywhere, including Malaysia (Senario), Philippines (Lokomoko), Brazil (Hermes & Renato), and Indonesia (Extravaganza).

Given the global popularity of sketch comedy, it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to explore its intersection with another global phenomenon: billiards, of course.  The sampling below is hardly the genre’s best (e.g., “The Hustler of Money” or “Van Hammersly” from Mr. Show) or comprehensive (as I have intentionally omitted England, since I recently wrote about British sketch comedy during snooker’s golden era), but it does represent 25,000 miles of billiards sketch comedies from around the world. Chalk up and enjoy!

Key & Peele – “Pussy on the Chain Wax” (USA)

Circled around an in-home billiards table, four friends begin a game of pool with the opening break. As Jordan Peele’s character lines up to take his shot, Keegan-Michael Key’s character recounts a recent fight he got into. There’s some friendly disputing of the facts, to which Key clarifies that he put the “pussy on the chain wax.” Two of the friends echo their support with laughs, hand slaps, and shoulder bumps. But, Jordan’s character is more suspect – not of the fight details, but of the authenticity of his friend’s phrase. Is “pussy on the chain wax” even a “thing”?1

This 2013 segment from the series’ third season is pitch-perfect, gut-busting fun. In this case, the phrase is absurd. Peele’s linguistic challenge is logical; he even Googles the phrase to find no matches. But, as the background piano fades in, Key shares his true plight: “I lost my job. My girlfriend left me…I just wanted to have a little fund with my friends today” and can’t understand why the origin of the phrase matters. Caught off guard by the rawness of his friend’s emotions, Peele unwinds his crusade without skipping a beat and joins in the brotastic bonhomie. Cue the choir: it’s time to put the “pussy on the chain wax!”  The sketch is available to watch here.

Pussy on the Chain Wax

SCTV – “Melonville Snooker Championship” (Canada)

Second City Television, a Canadian sketch comedy series which ran from 1976 to 1984, featured an all-star cast of rising Canucks, including John Candy, Eugene Levy, Rick Moranis, and Catherine O’hara.  Many of the sketches were side-splittingly funny; unfortunately, the 1978 segment “Melonville Snooker Championship” was not one of them. 

 

The sketch focuses on a snooker championship, pitting Lenny “Golden Arm” Bouchard (John Candy) against “The Greek Hustler” Alki Stereopolis (Joe Flaherty), at Dwayne & Tino’s Bowling and Billiards bar.2 Both players are a far cry from the formal, polished gentlemen of English snooker.  But, the real grater is announcer Lou Jaffe (Eugene Levy), whose nasal, singsongy voice and random exclamations continue to interrupt the match and ultimately lead to fisticuffs between the two players. 

Full Frontal – “Parko’s Good Sports: Snooker” (Australia)

On the positive, Full Frontal, the Australian sketch comedy series that ran from 1993 to 1997, introduced us to Eric Bana, who eventually stepped away from the funnyman role to headline Hollywood blockbusters, such as Troy, Hulk, and Munich.

But Full Frontal also included the the incredibly unhumorous segment “Parko’s Good Sports: Snooker,” which has our Good Sports host interviewing Milo Kerrigan, a punch-drunk ex-boxer (played by Shaun Micallef) about snooker, a “quiet game requiring a delicate touch and a lot of finesse.” The gag is that Milo is hardly delicate (or coherent). He garbles and babbles; he hits balls off the table and wears the rack on his head; he launches his cue stick into the wall – twice. The one thing he doesn’t do is act remotely funny, which makes me hard-pressed to understand why he was one of Full Frontal’s most popular characters. 

Comedy Central Stand-Up, Asia! – “Mini Billiards” (Singapore)

With a big heart and a small billiards table, the “Mini Billiards” sketch from Comedy Central Stand-Up, Asia! has just enough humor and originality to keep viewers smiling and engaged. The sketch pits GB Labrador, a Pinoy stand-up comedian, against Eliot Chang, an NY-based comedian, in a game of billiards that is played on a desktop table less than a foot long. 

Capitalizing on the popularity of billiards in the Philippines, Mr. Labrador embraces his nationality and declares, “Billiards is our game.” The two comedians then alternate taking shots, which seems much harder for Mr. Chang, who is “not used to small balls.” 

The players’ quips are rather feeble (especially when Mr. Chang invokes Harry Potter), but the editors score humor points with some clever sound and visual effects. And, Mr. Labrador gets in a good laugh when he rebuffs Mr. Chang’s plea for mercy by telling him that he “already has a wealthy country.” 

Chewin’ the Fat: “Ford and Greg on the Couch” (Scotland)

Chewin’ the Fat was a Scottish sketch comedy series that aired 30 episodes of guffaws between 1999 and 2002. In the season’s first episode, one of the segments takes us behind the scenes of the Snooker Semi-Finals at the Crucible to view some of the “lighter moments that have made this tournament so entertaining.”

Yet another sketch lampooning the formality of snooker, this wordless episode is a pastiche of boys behaving badly set to a ragtime soundtrack. The players drop their drawers, pick their wedgies, pick their noses, dance on tables, chalk their faces, give one another piggybacks, mock, jeer, cackle, and act like asses. 

Perhaps the Scots had grown bored with snooker. Their national champion, Stephen Hendry, was so good he won seven world titles in the 1990s. But, otherwise I’m struggling to find the mirth in this puerile send-up. The sketch is available to watch here, starting at 20:18. 

Top Lista Nadrealista – [name of segment unknown] (Yugoslavia)

Historians will recall that in 1991 Slovenia and Croatia became the first republics to declare independence from the former Yugoslavia. Around that same time, Top Lista Nadrealista, a Yugoslav sketch comedy show that ran from 1984 to 1991, aired a segment showing two Belgian members of the European Community Monitoring Mission in Bosnia trying to incite a Bosnian Muslim and a Serb, lifelong friends, to start fighting one another during a game of pool at a Sarajevo bar.

The episode is available to watch below, but only in Serbian without subtitles, so I can’t comment on the humor. But, as in Melonville, billiards begets bedlam.

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  1. Teasing the question whether art imitates life, or life imitates art, “pussy on the chain wax” is now a real phrase in Urban Dictionary.
  2. Largely wasted in this sketch, Mr. Candy returned to billiards in 1984, when he starred in one of the best billiards sketch comedies ever, “The Hustler” from the series The New Show.

 

Jeanette Lee Vs.

“Face it, America. You only watch pool because of Jeanette Lee.”

While billiards has always had its share of colorful personalities, perhaps no other player – certainly, no other woman or American – has possessed such magnetism and star power as the Black Widow, aka Jeanette Lee. Combining unapologetic swagger with knockout looks, an eye-catching wardrobe, and exceptional, rapid-fire, pool-playing prowess, Jeanette Lee captured imaginations, provoked controversy, and generated admiration, all while propelling the popularity of billiards in the 1990s and early 2000s.

Jeanette Lee VsWhereas many of the sport’s global superstars have had their stories told on screen (e.g., Jimmy White the One and Only; The Strickland Story; Shane Van Boening – The South Dakota Kid; Alex Higgins: The People’s Champion), it took more than 30 years for a biopic of this BCA Hall of Famer to appear.  Fortunately, Ursula Liang, director of the award-winning films 9-Man and Down a Dark Stairwell, has gifted us “Jeanette Lee Vs.,” a 50-minute film as part of ESPN’s sports documentary series 30 for 30. 

With its jarring, in-your-face title, Jeanette Lee Vs. makes it clear this is no ordinary life history. This is the account of one woman who has been battling opponents – the kids of Crown Heights, the tight-knit players within the Women’s Professional Billiard Association (WPBA), the hound-doggish media, and her biggest rival, a never-ending onslaught of health maladies – determined to undermine or destroy her. At her core, Ms. Lee is an undeterred, imperturbable fighter, which makes her story so compelling.

Jeanette Lee Vs. begins with Ms. Lee’s upbringing in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Crown Heights. As the only Korean-American girl in a predominantly African-American school, she was mocked with racist taunts, such as “Ching Chong” and “Cholly Wong.” Her father split when she was five; her mother was absent, working around the clock as a registered nurse. She was close with her older sister, Doris, but otherwise developed a chainmail exterior and a fiercely competitive mien. “I wanted to destroy the boys,” she recalls from an early age.

That tough childhood got tenfold worse when she was diagnosed with scoliosis at age 12. “They ripped apart my spine…it destroyed me. I was really tortured…I was in a very bad place,” Ms. Lee recounts. 

Sadly, in what has now been well-documented, the scoliosis was just the beginning of a tortuous and agonizing medical journey.  Now 51, Ms. Lee has had more than 10 neck and back surgeries. In a 2016 CNN profile, she shared, “I have developed multiple conditions including deteriorated discs, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome and severe sciatic pain. I have bursitis in both shoulders and both hips. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis.” And that was before she learned in 2021 that she had Stage 4 ovarian cancer, which even after six rounds of chemotherapy, has not and will not go into remission.

Jeanette Lee Vs. doesn’t skirt the fact that it is not clear how much longer Ms. Lee has to live. But, the documentary also doesn’t overly dwell on these chapters of her biography.  Rather these diseases and their side effects are members of her rogue’s gallery, opponents that she must crush or die trying. Is it any wonder that Ms. Lee was once a spokesperson for Rocawear in their 2008 “I Will Not Lose” campaign?

Billiards DigestBack to young Ms. Lee. The teen years were full of drugs, skipping school, and “punching holes in her ears.” It was only the opening of Chelsea Billiards, a 24/7, 15,000 square foot upscale pool palace, that fortuitously gave Ms. Lee a respite from her rebellion.  One night, she witnessed straight-pool legend Johnny Ervolino playing, and she was mesmerized and hooked. She became a regular denizen and was fortunate to have billiards great Gene Nagy take her “under his wing.”  Though she was “always in pain” and understood billiards was “the last thing she should be doing,” she threw herself into the sport. “Before pool, I wasn’t sure why I was here. I finally found something I loved. Everything changed. I could escape from all the things that made me unhappy.”

As Ms. Lee has often declared in interviews, she turned pro at 21 and became number one in the world 18 months later. It is during this chronicle of time when Jeanette Lee Vs. shines brightest. Her skills and sex appeal drew adulating fans and masturbatory manchilds (seriously – the footage from The Man Show with Adam Corolla putting cornstarch down his pants to ease the genital burn of watching the Black Widow is beyond the pale).

There is no denying Ms. Lee’s incredible billiards skills. She received more than 30 titles and awards between 1993 and 2005, including the WPBA U.S. Open 9-Ball Championship (1994), the 9-Ball Tournament of Champions (1999, 2003), and the gold medal at the World Games 9-Ball Singles in Akita, Japan (2001).

SAM Billiards Digest 2But, as the documentary makes clear, her meteoric rise was also fueled by the times. She discovered billiards right on the heels of The Color of Money, which created a national resurgence of interest in the sport (as well as led to the opening of the aforementioned Chelsea Billiards). ESPN2 had launched in 1993, hungry for programming that would appeal to younger audiences. Women’s billiards became a network staple, anchored by the allure of the Black Widow. For Koreans, who were attacked in the 1992 Los Angeles riots and longed for national icons in a country that now felt more foreign than ever, Ms. Lee personified a can’t stop-won’t stop grit and determination.  And for the rest of America, which wasn’t used to seeing Asians on TV, Ms. Lee was a mystery, a modern-day domineering “dragon queen” (an unfortunate phrase that Ms. Lee said she heard more times than she can count). “I started to own the Black Widow,” says a glinting Ms. Lee.

That same persona, however, also provoked the anger and jealousy of her WPBA peers – some of whom are interviewed on-screen – who dismissed her talent and questioned her style and conduct. “I was thoroughly hated,” Ms. Lee shares.  At one point, one of Ms. Lee’s opponents anonymously sent her a copy of Dr. Seuss’ Yertle the Turtle, accusing her of “stepping on everyone” to get to the top. Allison Fisher, her one-time “nemesis,” doesn’t mask her emotions when she decries the fame heaped upon Ms. Lee. Ms. Fisher matter-of-factly states she was the better player, yet no one seemed to know. 

Fisher QueensI can’t but wonder if, during the interview, Ms. Fisher was thinking about the proposed 2015 documentary The Fisher Queens (about Alison, Mandy, and Kelly Fisher, three unrelated snooker champions), which was never made due to the inability to raise more than $11,000. Apparently, there was a lack of interest in her billiards story.

Ms. Liang recognized the potential minefield she was walking in by asking Ms. Fisher, Loree Jon Jones, Kelly Fisher, and others to participate in the documentary. As Ms. Liang shared in an interview with The Moveable Feast:

[I made] a really specific point of asking each of these women in the interview what their reaction was to us doing a 30 for 30 on Jeanette, knowing that there has not been another 30 for 30 done on another female pool player and I think to a person, they each took a pause. Not that many female pool players are getting a documentary period, so I think they all have their opinions about where she falls in greatness in terms of physical skill and that everyone also puts an asterisk next to that, knowing that her career was derailed in some ways by her physical pain.

But they all [also] acknowledge that Jeanette is the most well-known player out there period and she came in at the right moment and she was not only incredibly visible, but incredibly charismatic and whatever she got for herself, she lifted all boats. They were all making more money because of what she was doing, so I think they understood how much she has given to the sport.

Jeanette Lee Vs. is a chronological account of The Black Widow; at the same time, her life and narrative is a complex web. Ms. Lee is the hero of this tale, which sometimes is almost hagiographic. But, she also was forced into the role of villain and otherized as an Asian-American stereotype. Her survival story is one of hope and incredible perseverance, but is also undergirded by loneliness.  The story is rich and full of interesting chapters, but it’s also incomplete, at least according to Ms. Lee.  Her final sentiments bring no closure, only more questions: “God, if you have a greater purpose for me, tell me. This is not all I was meant to do.”

Jeanette Lee Vs. is available to stream on ESPN. The episode aired in December, 2022.

Dr. Kildare

Many celebrities are known to have picked up a cue stick offscreen. 

A small subset (e.g, Dustin Hoffman, Peter Falk, Jackie Gleason, Buster Keaton) have earned praise, even among the billiards community, for their skills. 

But, at the top of Mount Celebrity sits the true pantheon of pool players – i.e., those who might run 100 balls straight. This exclusive group includes Mark Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and of course, Fred Astaire, who was known to practice 14:1 in his basement up to six hours a day and was friends with BCA Hall of Famers Dan DiLiberto and Ed Kelly, according to former Billiards Digest Contributing Editor George Fels.1

Mr. Astaire’s pool prowess is legendary, though largely unwitnessed by the general public. However, there is one exception. In 1965, in one of his few television roles, Mr. Astaire played Joe Quinlan, a warm-hearted pool shark, across four episodes of the medical drama television series Dr. Kildare. 

Though Dr. Kildare is quaint, maudlin and dated by today’s standards, the four episodes – “Fathers and Daughters” (November 22, 1965), “A Gift of Love” (November 23), “The Tent Dwellers” (November 29), and “Going Home” (November 30) – offer a wonderful lens for watching and appreciating Mr. Astaire, and equally important, for treating billiards with a modicum of respect. 

Dr. Kildare is an NBC medical drama series that ran from 1961 to 1966, for a total of 191 episodes over five seasons. Richard Chamberlain, a hitherto unknown actor,  played the eponymous doctor and quickly became a star and heartthrob. The episodes occur at the fictional Blair General Hospital, where Dr. Kildare tries to learn his profession, deal with patients’ problems, and win the respect of the senior Dr. Leonard Gillespie (Raymond Massey).

In the episode “Fathers and Daughters,” Sister Laurie Benjamin (Laura Devon), a medical missionary nun, returns from her field work with an advanced state of acute stem cell leukemia. She checks into Blair Hospital and is visited by her father, Joe Quinlan (Astaire), an affable, nomadic pool shark, who is in town for the Invitational Tournament of Champions: World’s Foremost Pocket Billiards Stars, with its $4,000 pot (approximately $38,000 today). Sister Benjamin lauds her father as “an artist – the greatest pocket billiard player in the whole world…on some occasions.” Describing his profession to Dr. Kildare, Quinlan jocularly explains, “My working equipment: a two piece pool cue.  The sight of it gives my sister a rash.”

Naturally, Sister Benjamin wishes to conceal the seriousness of her condition from her father; at the same time, her father wishes to downplay the severity of his shortness of breath and unusual chest palpitations, symptoms she soon learns are tied to his coronary heart disease.

In “A Gift for Love,” Quinlan fails to show up for his scheduled EKG.  Seeking to locate the absent patient, Dr. Kildare goes to the local pool room and learns that in only a week it will become the setting for an “elite” matchup, including “Ulysses ‘The Burglar’ Jackson from Newark New Jersey, Phil Carmichael from Detroit, Deacon Otis Potts of Kansas City, and the great Joe Quinlan, 16 superstars in all.”

Quinlan is located and teases us with a couple of shots, but he is ultimately brought back to the hospital, where he befriends Francis Healy (Harry Morgan, who would later become famous as Colonel Potter in M*A*S*H). Healy tells Quinlan there is another patient, Mr. Gaffney, who has taken a lot of money off of Healy in some not-so-friendly games of pool.  Healy asks for Quinlan’s help getting some of his money back. “Gaffney has two-thirds of the money in this state. He’s greedy and looking for blood. You could flub half a dozen shots and still beat this guy with a broomstick in your hand.” Sympathetic to Healy’s situation, Quinlan agrees to play, so long as he personally does have to bet any money.

In the penultimate “The Tent Dwellers” episode, we get to see Astaire, the master, at work. Quinlan plays Gaffney in a straight pool game to 50.  His shots are effortless. There is a beautiful combination that prompts Gaffney to initially say, “You make it and I will eat it like an egg, swallowing the thing whole.” (He makes it, though no cue ball is consumed.) The episode largely serves to enforce both Quinlan’s billiards skills and, more important, his altruism. 

While the medical staff chastise him for risking his health, Quinlan beseeches the doctors to give him a more honest assessment of his daughter’s health. Knowing her condition is worsening and concerned about her mounting hospital expenses, he says to no one, “Spare Laurie for those who need her most. Take a clown like me.”

Finally, in “Going Home,” Quinland disappears from the hospital once more. It’s no secret he has gone to compete in the tournament. Dr. Kildare and Healy follow. Naive to the sport, Dr. Kildare watches with awe as Healy explains the skill required to set up shots and run the table, and the economics behind the game, which often exist outside the main action. Healy surmises that Quinlan has “hocked everything but the sterling hair in his ears” to get in on action with big investors in order to ensure he has the means to pay for his daughter’s medical expenses.

SPOILER ALERT. The final match pits Quinlan against Ulysses Jackson (Harold ‘Red’Baker).2 The back-and-forth match gives both men a chance to demonstrate their skills. (Note: Mr. Astaire reportedly insisted on playing all his own pool on-camera – i.e., no cutaway hand shots – as a condition for appearing in the episodes.) Perspiring and periodically clutching at his chest, Quinlan ultimately wins the match, though he passes away shortly thereafter.  

Sister Benjamin, whose leukemia has miraculously gone into remission, is able to leave the hospital. She retrieves her father’s cue and case as a keepsake of his memories, but not before dispensing some billiards advice to a practicing player.  It’s a fitting coda; a hopeful suggestion that the spirit and power of billiards can transcend the individual and pass to the next generation. 

The four episodes from the fifth season of Dr. Kildare are available to purchase on DVD. They are also streaming online at Stremio; however, if you live in either New York or Los Angeles, you can watch them, as I did, at the Paley Center for Media.

  1. “November: Jelly Roles,” by George Fels, Billiards Digest, November 2012.
  2. According to cuemaker Rick Geschrey, Red Baker was a top pocket billiards and three-cushion player. He “could beat top pros in money games on a regular basis. He competed with the likes [of] Greenleaf, Mosconi, Cochran and Hoppe and many others…Baker was on close terms with many in Hollywood and was often called in as a billiard consultant and stand-in. Close-ups of his hands have appeared in many television and movie sequences.”

Pool Tables: The Perfect Gift?

Perhaps, my most prized physical possession is an eight-foot Olhausen Monarch pool table that I received as a gift when I turned 40. It’s an utter beauty, and it fulfilled a wish that started in college when I cut my first classes to play pool. As it happens, it also sparked my current avocation — blogging about billiards movies and television episodes.

With the holiday season upon us, now may be the time to give the gift of billiards and purchase a pool table – for the mancave, for the spouse-to-be, for the future Mosconi, for the family. The occasion does not matter; if it fits the house and the wallet, a pool table is a must-have. 

Or so I thought until I culled through the annals of pool table presents in pop culture. Unfortunately, the writers and directors behind some of the most relevant gifts in billiards-themed media have a rather different impression.

The 1950s-1960s

The bad press began in 1956, but I cannot tell you why. The economy was strong, unemployment was down to 4.5%, and all that disposable income was fostering a love affair with consumerism.

Nonetheless, in the April 1956 “Bad Companions” episode of The Goldbergs, one of television’s first family sitcoms, Uncle David brings home a new pool table as a “fabulous gift for the whole family.” But, it becomes an instant headache, since neither family nor friends can, or are allowed, to play. David recruits some “professors” from the local pool hall to teach him, unaware they are hustlers. As David’s house becomes ground zero for horse gambling and other nefarious activities, he is ultimately ensnared in a raid and decried by the judge as “the dupe of unsavory characters.” That might put your future pool table munificence in check.

One month later, the “Opportunity Knocks But” episode of The Honeymooners aired. Ralph Kramden’s boss receives a new pool table as an anniversary gift from his wife. Not knowing how to play, he invites Ralph (and ultimately Norton) to come over to teach the finer points of the game. While Ralph seizes on the invitation as an opportunity for endless sycophancy, Norton shoehorns his way into the game so he can pitch business ideas that ultimately lead to Norton getting selected over Kramden for a coveted job.   Now that is bad billiards mojo.

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet rounded out the year with the “Pool Table” episode. After Ozzie buys a pool table from the local department store, his playing plans are continually thwarted as he realizes he does not have a location for it. The pool table’s peregrination goes from the dining room to the kitchen to the garage to the outside yard and even to a neighbor’s house. Ultimately, Ozzie jerry-rigs a pulley system to haul the table up to the attic, but the table’s weight causes it to crash through the floor into the kids’ bedroom, rendering it largely useless for anyone taller than three feet.

Apparently the 1960s were consumed by other notable hobbies and activities, such as playing with GI Joes (1964) and Easy Bake Ovens (1963), watching the first Super Bowl (1966), or contorting to Twister (1966), as I could find no billiards gift-giving exemplars during the decade. 

1970s-1990s

But, by the 1970s, the billiards bestowal was back in cultural vogue, starting with the 1973 Sanford and Son episode “A House is Not a Poolroom,” which opens with Lamont getting his father Fred a pool table for his birthday. The present is so well-received that Lamont can neither get his father away from the table to attend to his family responsibilities, nor can he get any peace and privacy in the house, since his father’s gaggle of friends have now ‘moved in’ to use the table. Sadly, the magnetism of the table becomes such a problem that he must ultimately get rid of it.

Brady Bunch - The HustlerThe 1974 “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch revealed Bobby Brady’s knack with a cue after his father brings home a pool table as a thank-you gift from his boss Mr. Matthews. Bobby trounces his brothers in 9-ball, thereby winning a month of free shoe-cleaning. But the real fun comes when Mr. Matthews visits the house and is subsequently thrashed by Bobby on the table, losing 256 packs of chewing gum in a wager. Unfortunately, for the squeaky-clean Brady clan, the home is no place for such games of sin, and the table is promptly returned.

After The Brady Bunch episode aired, a 30-year drought of billiards benevolence ensued. Pool hustling was all the rage in television and film, and nary a table appears to have been gifted.

2000s – present

That deficit was corrected in the mid-aughts, starting with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston swapping barbs and bile in the 2006 movie The Break-Up, with each partner trying to outmaneuver the other in a bid to keep their luxurious condo. In one seminal scene, Vaughn’s character declares, “My whole life I always wanted my own place with my own pool table. I finally got my own place, but you would not allow me to get my own pool table. I figured I’d rectify that today.” As expected, this self-gifting causes a maelstrom of subsequent damage, with Aniston’s character violently ejecting his possessions from the room.

Finally, there is the little-watched series Gary Unmarried. At the center of the 2008 episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back,” is a pool table, which Gary gave to his ex-wife Allison as a paper anniversary gift, and now he threatens to reveal racy photographs of her if she doesn’t return it to him. Though the table leads to blackmail and burglary, there is a silver lining, as both characters divulge that the true reason they want the table is because of all the good memories associated with it.

Maybe that’s the underlying lesson from almost 70 years of billiards largesse on the silver screen. Regardless of what agonies and horrors are associated with the gift, pool tables are the loci of wonderful experiences.  Movies and television are make-believe, but pool tables as great gifts are most definitely very real.

Design Your Own Billiards Room

At least since 1953, when Pathé News produced the 75-second film “Billiard Balls,” there have been documentaries, and later reality series, detailing the manufacturing and production of all the key components of billiards.

The Cuemaker - Billiards DocumentaryIn recent years, Mysteries of the Museum discussed John Wesley Hyatt’s invention of the celluloid billiard ball in the episode “Lunar Fender Bender, Opera Angels and Billiard Balls”; cue sticks were featured in both the documentary The Cuemaker and the Genuine Article episode “Puzzles and Pool Cues”; multiple series have revealed how pool tables are made (e.g., Furniture to Go – “Pool Table”; Handcrafted America – “Woven Rugs, Sunglasses and Billiard Tables”;  Incredible Inventions – “The Bow, Ferrofluid, The Billiard Table”); there’s even a Pakistani video from Ever Wondered on the making of billiard cue tip chalk.

So, it’s hardly a surprise that with all the attention shined on billiards equipment, producers would turn their attention to the sport’s homemade arena: the game room (or the billiard room, as fans of Clue might call it). Two series currently streaming on Discovery+, Color Splash and Stone House Revival, assume all the billiards gear is present and functional; it’s the room you need to build and design to play the game!

Color Splash – “Game On!”

Color Splash is an American home improvement series that aired on HGTV for eight seasons, from 2007 through 2012. Hosted by the affable and ever-increasingly tattooed designer David Bromstad, Color Splash focuses on giving rooms unforgettable makeovers through the dramatic use of color.

In the July 2007 episode “Game On!,” Mr. Bromstad and his accomplice, color specialist and carpenter Danielle Hirsch, are tasked with transforming an uninspiring, outdated game room into modern “man’s room but also for the family.” The room already has a pool table and an upright Mario Bros. arcade game, but per the wife’s direction, it needs to not only be comfortable, but also “warm and inviting.” 

Mr. Bromstad’s thesis is that a man’s space is “ literally a sectional couch, refrigerator, a TV, a pool table – awesome… everything else is just fluff so we need to make sure it’s not too fluffy.” He then goes deep into picking masculine greens and reds, creating customized valances, and building shelves to organize the electronics.  

But, since the billiards table is still central to the room’s design, he also leaves them with a picture of an eightball that he painted for them. “Because [the owner] absolutely loves pool, I wanted to do something he really loves.” 

Stone House Revival – “1760 Classic Colonial Parlor”

If you own a historic house around Bucks County, Pennsylvania, then the man you want to see is Jeff Devlin and the series you might appear on is Stone House Revival. Hosted by Mr. Devlin, Stone House Revival follows Jeff and his team of restoration experts who work with homeowners to help revive dilapidated structures into modern living spaces while preserving their historic integrity. The series ran from 2015 to 2021 on the DIY Network.

In the May 2016 episode “1760 Classic Colonial Parlor,” Mr. Devlin focuses on a Colonial home in Ivyland, Pennsylvania that was initially built in 1760 and then had a farmhouse added to it in 1810.  Decrepit as it may be, the farmhouse has real entertainment potential. The homeowners wish to convert it into two unique, usable spaces: a parlor and a billiards room.

As we learn from the pop-up historical notes, “billiard tables were popular in colonial America, dating back to 1722.” Mr. Devlin then proceeds to “turn [this] unused space into a really fun, functional billiard room” by adding a one-of-a-kind custom light pendant atop the pool table, adding dentil crown molding around the ceiling as a “nod to the time period,” redoing the floor slats with random width pine to match the parlor room, and exposing the original stone of a cabinet’s interior.  Oh yeah, he also wall mounts a billiard cue rack. 

Unfortunately, the actual billiards table – an unidentified, black-felted wooden one – becomes a bit of an afterthought, assembled in the background and otherwise unaddressed.

Gotham City Grind

In film, sometimes the venue is the star. 

Meticulously selected, elegantly framed, perfectly lit, and cinematographically fine-tuned, the specific locale can be as memorable and essential as the actors, songs, script, or action.

Consider the old Ames Billiards Academy, a second-floor loft in the Claridge Hotel on West 44th in Times Square, that was home to the epic showdown between Fast Eddie Felson and Minnesota Fats in The Hustler. Or, the iconic, vintage Chris’s Billiards in Jefferson Park, Chicago, where Vince first duels with Grady Seasons in The Color of Money. For TruTV’s series The Hustlers, Steinway Billiards in Queens, New York, featured so prominently it was almost an hour-long advertisement. I don’t remember much about Penance except the awesome appearance of Top Shot Billiards in Alberta, where the movie was filmed in entirety.

Presumably, most venues would jump at the chance for this kind of product placement. But, when those starring roles don’t come knocking, there is always the last resort to create one’s own show. Such is the playbook Gotham City Billiards Club (GCBC) adopted in May 2016 when it launched the web series Gotham City Grind, featuring their Avenue U pool hall in Brooklyn as the homebase. 

Unfortunately, there are many good reasons why this path is not well-worn (e.g., cost, production value, lack of human interest, etc).  All of these reasons are on vivid display when one suffers through any of the four webisodes in the series.

Gotham City Grind opens with the voice-over, “This is not your average pool hall.  It may look like it, but Gotham City Billiards has an untold story, and our story begins with some of our usual players.” 

While the proclamation is well-intentioned, the series never actually tells the untold story.  Fine, whatever. The far greater gaffe is presuming that the “usual players” have a story that is interesting to anyone outside the pool hall’s doors. 

The first webisode, “Never Give Up,” focuses on Thomas Rice, a 17-year-old who turned to pool to counter his ADHD and struggles in school. Rice says, “I couldn’t focus in school and as soon as pool came into my life, it changed everything… started focusing better, winning tournaments, hanging out with the right kids not the wrong kids.” He then plays some nineball and prepares for an upcoming tournament.

That’s great, admirable even, but it’s hardly engaging video-watching. Maybe that’s why the webisode then abruptly shifts focus to Brooklyn denizen and actor William DeMeo, who is in town to promote his new film Back in the Day. (He was Jason Molinaro in seasons 5-6 of The Sopranos.) But, this is also a dead-end, an irrelevant cameo, unrelated to Thomas Rice, to GCBC, or even to billiards. We’re basically watching a pool hall promote itself promoting a straight-to-cable film that no one has heard of.

The second webisode, “American Dream,” is even worse; I found myself wistfully hoping for another D-list celebrity pop-up. Instead, we meet Koka Davladse from the Republic of Georgia. He is a “regular player with an infectious laugh” who came to America to study and play pool because “Georgia is dead, no tournaments, no payouts.” He has not seen his family in five years.

Awash with pathos, we then follow Koka’s storyline as it abruptly veers into a ten-round game of nineball against an opponent named Jerry T.  Koka wins, and the narrator rewards us with the platitude, “It takes courage and determination to follow your dreams. You have to want it bad enough. Most won’t even try, but whether you fail or succeed in the process, you have to believe in yourself.”

Stunned by such banality, I could not bring myself to watch the remaining two episodes, “Love for Pool” and “Legacy.” 

If you learn the untold story to GCBC, send it my way; otherwise, don’t waste your time grinding it out with Gotham City Grind.

 

I’ve Got a Secret

Philo Farnsworth’s secret was that he invented electronic television at the age of 14. Clyde Tombaugh’s secret was that he discovered Pluto. And, Samuel J. Seymour’s secret was that he saw John Wilkes Booth assassinate Abraham Lincoln.

Between 1952 and 1967, these three individuals, along with hundreds of others – both celebrities and ‘ordinary’ contestants – appeared on the American CBS panel game show I’ve Got a Secret to see if a quartet of celebrity panelists could guess their special, unusual, embarrassing, amazing or humorous factoid. 

To my knowledge, billiards was the focus of a hat trick of secrets over the show’s 16-year history. Those episodes featured Willie Mosconi (1962), Bill Staton (1965), and Jean Balukas (1966).

Willie Mosconi

On February 5, 1962, a little more than four months after the release of The Hustler, Willie Mosconi, the “brilliant pocket billiard champion of the world,” appeared as a celebrity contestant on I’ve Got a Secret. Palling around with host Gary Moore, who in a sign of the times is smoking a cigarette throughout the exchange, Mr. Mosconi demonstrates his “virtuosity” by doing the butterfly trick shot, pocketing six balls in one shot. He then shares with the audience his “secret”: he taught panelist Bill Cullen to do the trick shot they just witnessed.

The panel – actress Betsy Palmer (who many years later played Jason Voorhee’s mother in Friday the 13th), radio humorist Henry Morgan, former Miss America Bess Myerson, and game show host Bill Cullen – deduce that Mr. Mosconi did something billiards-related in the last 24 hours that could entertain millions, but otherwise fail to guess the secret. 

Once the veil is pulled, Mr. Cullen does indeed make the same shot to the awe of his colleagues. The show ends with Mr. Mosconi running 15 balls on a table (while announcing his record is 526) and then making a popular “railroad” trick shot using three cues and three balls.

Bill Staton

Toward the end of 1965, Bill Staton appeared on the show with the secret that he could sink all 15 balls in one shot.  Ms. Myerson guessed the secret pretty quickly, notwithstanding her reference to the cue as Bill’s “pole.” 

Mr. Staton then proceeds to set up the shot, which combines Mr. Mosconi’s aforementioned six ball trick shot, with carefully placed balls in the corner pockets and the cue strategically nestled between two balls in front of the butterfly sextet. 

As (new) host Steve Allen forewarns, the studio floor is not perfectly straight, so the shot may not work. And, in fact, Mr. Staton sinks only 14 of the 15 balls. Fortunately, the shot was also pre-recorded earlier in the day, so the audience and panel can watch the shot made successfully, both at regular speed and in stop-motion. 

While Mr. Staton appeared as a ‘normal’ contestant, for the billiards community, he became rather famous for his unwavering promotion of the sport, as shared by pool historian R.A. Dyer. Nicknamed “Weanie Beanie” for the hot dog chain he and his brother started, Mr. Staton was a world renowned pool player. He won the World’s Championship One Pocket tournament, the Virginia State Pool Championship five times, and numerous other tournaments. He also appeared on The Tonight Show, The Mike Douglas Show, and The David Frost Show. 

Jean Balukas

Ms. Balukas won the U.S. Open seven years in a row from 1972 through 1978, accumulating six world championship titles and eventually becoming the second woman inducted into the Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame.

But, years before earning all those accolades and victories, she appeared on I’ve Got a Secret in 1966 at the age of just six years old.  Her secret: she gave pocket billiards exhibitions and instructions over the summer. 

The panelists, unchanged since the Mosconi appearance, ruled out singing, acting, telling jokes, working with animals, and being in the circus. But, they were otherwise completely flummoxed.

After little Jean revealed her secret, she then did a brief pool exhibition, including introducing her young sister and student, Laura, who also made some shots. Host Steve Allen summed it beautifully, “That’s what I like: a six year old hustler.”

 

Unfortunately, in 1967, CBS canceled I’ve Got a Secret, along with its other panel shows, What’s My Line? and To Tell the Truth, both of which had also featured Mr. Mosconi, in 1962 and 1958 respectively.

Welcome to the Billiards Zoo

Since the dawn of the green baize, there have been animals playing billiards:  Johnny “Scorpion” Archer. Alex “The Lion” Pagulayan. Jeanette “Black Widow” Lee. Horace “Groundhog” Godwin. Steve “The Whale” Melnyk. The zoological roll call of billiards monikers can go on and on.

The Secret of Magic Island

But, nicknames aside, animals have throughout the years picked up the cue stick to entertain. For example, costumed monkeys were shooting pool in an uncredited film from the 1930s. Far stranger is the 1957 French film, The Secret of Magic Island, in which real rabbits play pool (along with a picture-snapping dog and a motorbike-riding frog). Mister Ed, that famous TV Palomino, pocketed a shot in the eponymous 1964 episode “Ed the Pool Player.”  Today, it seems every animal even wants its 15 fifteen minutes of fame; YouTube  is rife with homemade videos of dogs, cats, and squirrels shooting stick. 

Well, this billiards menagerie better make some room. In the television episodes and short film below, there’s an international vivarium of dogs, chickens, toads, badgers, weasels, pigs, tigers, wolves, and bears ready to pot some shots.

Mad Dogs

Throughout the UK – and splattered across the internet – are kitschy paintings of dogs playing pool in pubs. This canine camp provided the perfect inspiration for the creative trio at Gadzooks Animation. Released in 2019, their film Mad Dogs is a seven-minute, stop-motion, animated film in which a nonet of regional British dogs discuss the quintessentials of British culture while drinking beers and shooting pool in a pub. Mad Dogs was created in response to Article 50, an open invitation to artists, commissioned by Sky Arts, the British 24-hour television channel, to define who the British are as a nation. It is available to watch here. 

The pint-drinking pack includes an English Foxhound, Afghan Hound, West Highland Terrier, English Bulldog, Old English Sheepdog, Scottish Terrier, Welsh Terrier, English Bull Terrier, and a Welsh Corgi. Each speaks with a specific regional accent. The dogs’ personalities are wonderfully distinct, and the dialogue hits the right mix of pride and pretense. 

My only gripe with Mad Dogs is after the English Bull Terrier takes its shot and rips the baize! How this faux pas doesn’t incite the crowd to a heightened level of rabble-rousing rabidity is the real unanswered question.

Chicken Stew

Cartoon history is replete with famous rivalries: Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote. Tweetie Pie and Sylvester the Cat. Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.  To this list, add the chicken trio (Uncle Wattles, Free Range, and Small Fry) and weasel duo (Slim and Glutton) of the Chinese animation series Chicken Stew. 

First aired in 2009, Chicken Stew focuses on the weasels’ harebrained schemes in hapless pursuit of an elusive chicken dinner. In the 2011 episode “Blame It On Billiards,” available to watch (in Chinese) here, Uncle Wattles and Free Range are competing in a friendly, albeit dishonest, game of billiards. Tables are tilted, pockets are relocated, but it’s all in good fun, until Slim and Glutton try to weasel their way into the game. While their disguises work, their plans fall apart. Bombs go off, flying nunchaku come out, cue sticks are brandished, and poor ol’ Glutton gets a multi-billiard ball ass-whupping.1

Wind in the Willows

Noone likes to be told he’s a “social calamity,” least of all Mr. Toad, whose failure to understand the game of bridge leads him to purchase a billiards table, “a game no gentleman’s residence should be without.”

That’s the setup for “Champion of the Baize,” the 1987, Season 3 episode of Wind in the Willows, a British stop-motion animated series based on Kenneth Grahame’s classic children’s novel of the same name. The full episode is available to watch here.

While this dapper amphibian certainly has the means to buy the table, Mr. Toad is too proud to admit he has no idea how to play the game. This leads to some fairly jovial banter with Mole and Rat, who attempt to explain what a rest is, how to chalk one’s cue (or “pole”), and why the object of the game is not to bounce the ball off as many “things” as possible.

But, when two weasel passersby hear the “sound of ivory on ivory,” they challenge Mr. Toad to a game of snooker, and that’s when his vainglory becomes more of a problem. Flattered by the weasels, Mr. Toad is hustled into wagering his motorcar, which he quickly loses to the more skillful opponent. However, in a scene reminiscent of the Fresh Prince episode “Banks Shot,” Mr. Toad’s elderly friend Badger requests a match, feigns ignorance about the required sequence to pot the snooker balls, and then proceeds to hustle the weasel in a 7-0 run, promptly winning back the auto. 

For all its British formality, “Champion of the Baize” is a wonderfully enjoyable television episode that shows a great appreciation for snooker. A considerable number of minutes is devoted to the matches, in which backspin features prominently and the shots are at least somewhat realistic in their execution.

Masha and the Bear

“That’s Your Cue” is a seven-minute billiards episode from the Russian animated television series Masha and the Bear. Join 11.6 million other viewers (!!) to watch the Season 3 episode on YouTube.

First aired in July 2018, “That’s Your Cue” begins with Whiskers n’ Stripes, a Siberian Tiger, visiting his circus friend, a retired Kamchatka brown bear, in the forest and surprising him with a billiards table.  They decide to hold a billiards tournament, and quickly enter the forest to source players.

While they’re gone, three-year-old Masha enters the bear’s house and innocently swaps the billiards balls with a set of numbered blocks. When the tiger and bear return, along with six additional competitors – a Himalayan black bear, two gray wolves, a she-bear, a cat, and Rosie the pig – they are startled to find the balls missing. But, the tiger is undeterred and convinces his furry brethren to improvise and use the blocks as balls instead.  

So begins the elimination tournament that ultimately ends with Rosie pocketing cubes one through seven in a single break and then sinking the eight-cube to beat his gargantuan opponent, the Himalayan bear. 

That rounds out our billiards animal kingdom. To the best of my knowledge, no animals were harmed in the shooting of these billiards sequences…though more than a few had their egos bruised.

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  1. For other cartoon nemeses battling on the baize, check out Tom and Jerry (“Cue Ball Cat”) or Woody Woodpecker and Buzz Buzzard (“Cue the Pool Shark”).

American Chopper – “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike”

Lamentably, many Amercians cannot name a professional billiards player alive today. But, among those who can, one name is likely to arise often: Jeanette Lee, aka The Black Widow.

Though Ms. Lee has lately garnered headlines for her recent announcement of stage 4 ovarian cancer (on top of the scoliosis she has fought against since age 12), her billiards accomplishments are legendary. A former No. 1 female pool player in the world; a three times runner-up at the women’s World Nine-ball Championship; the Women’s Professional Billiard Association (WPBA) Sportsperson of the Year Award in 1998; a gold medal winner for the United States at the 2001 World Games in Akita, Japan; and an inductee into the Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame in 2013.

Those achievements, coupled with her statuesque looks and distinct visual style, have led to her off-the-baize success and fame.  Ms. Lee has appeared in film (e.g., 9-Ball), television (e.g., Arli$$; Cake Boss – “Painters, Pool and Pink,”), and commercials (e.g., Ford Explorer); she has been profiled in Sports Illustrated; she has been photographed for the ESPN Body Issue; she has even authored a book:  The Black Widow’s Guide to Killer Pool: Become the Player to Beat.

So, perhaps it’s not a surprise that Ms. Lee’s cultural stardom also took her to Newburgh, New York, where she joined Paul Teutal Sr. (aka Senior) and his team at Orange County Choppers (OCC) to create a customized Black Widow motorcycle on the reality television series American Chopper.1 

Produced by Pilgrim Films & Television, American Chopper ran for six seasons, initially on the Discovery Channel and then TLC.  Ms. Lee appears in the series’ sixth season on the December 2009 episode, “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike.”

The episode begins with Ms. Lee entering OCC’s retail shop to demonstrate some trick shots, including hitting the 8-ball out of Senior’s mouth into the corner pocket, and then exchanging banter with Senior while playing him in several games of eightball. 

At the end of the games, Ms. Lee shares that ever since the OCC introduced their original Black Widow bike (from the first season of American Chopper), she’s been fielding calls from fans, who mistakenly think it was named after her. So, she wants one, customized for her, that she can take on the road.2 

The bulk of the episode is then focused on the assembly of her chopper. The goal is to leverage the standard Black Widow frame, but add some “wow” to make it truly unique. The decision-making process covers the tank selection, the fabrication of the fenders (with their three-dimensional webbing welding), and the simplification of the seat design.

After two days of assembly, Senior unveils the custom Black Widow bike at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where Ms. Lee is participating in a WPBA tournament.  Ms. Lee looks genuinely thrilled by the chopper. Her husband, George Breedlove, looks a bit more distressed.  Asked for her reaction, Ms. Lee says, “It’s beautiful, sexy, strong, but it’s feminine…it’s hot, it’s a hot bike. I’m feeling some fire.”

The “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike” episode of American Chopper is available to stream on Discovery+.

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1. Interestingly, this was not the first vehicle renovation reality series to include billiards. A few years earlier, the rapper Xzibit “pimped” a 1988 Chevrolet S10 with a built-in pool table on the show Pimp My Ride.

2. In fact, OCC was commissioned by LiquidWick Pool Cues, which signed Ms. Lee to a multi-year contract at the end of 2007, to build the custom bike for her. As is made apparent at the end of the episode, Ms. Lee is not a motorcyclist, even nervously asking what is the “throttle.”