Tag Archives: pool

Green, Bygone…

If you’re looking for the best in Polish cinema, start with the movies of acclaimed director Andrzej Wajda. His films – The Promised Land; The Maids of Wilko; Man of Iron; Katyn – all were nominated for Best International Film Oscars.

There’s also Paweł Pawlikowski (Ida; Cold War), Roman Polanski (Knife in the Water, his debut Polish-language film before he directed classics like Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby), and Krzysztof Kieślowski (the Three Colours trilogy: Blue; White; Red). All should challenge the mind and make for an entertaining evening. Just don’t focus on Gerard Zalewski, the director behind the numbingly boring, made-for-television 1976 Polish billiards film Zielone – minione…, which translates to Green, Bygone…

Ploddingly paced and reeking of overacting, the movie follows a young landowner who returns home to handle a large inheritance. While home, he becomes fascinated by billiards and gambling at the local men’s club. His overconfidence and foolhardy attitude quickly produce a severe gambling addiction and, more problematically, a sizable financial debt owed to some of the local plutocrats. His bad luck and mounting obligations eventually lead to a tragic, though hardly shocking, denouement. Let’s just say when I wasn’t dozing off from boredom, I was annoyingly distracted by the close-ups of the large beads of sweat that seemed permanently grafted to the young landowner’s anxious countenance.

Though Green, Bygone… is plagued with problems, including its clunky and instantly forgettable title in Polish and English, there are two specific aspects that make the film noteworthy.

First, the billiards. For a 65-minute film, there is a surprising amount of billiards on the screen – specifically, Straight Pyramid, a version of Russian billiards that is popular across Russia and several former Eastern Bloc countries, including Poland. In Straight Pyramid, any ball may be used as the cue ball. Players can pocket the ball they struck if it hits another ball first, with the goal being to carom the struck ball off one or more other balls into a pocket. Each frame continues until 14 balls are pocketed, similar to Straight Pool; these 14 balls are then re-spotted into an incomplete pyramid.

The billiards sequences are hardly energetic – certainly you’re better off tuning into Mariusz Skoneczny winning the EEBC Pyramid Tour – but at least it’s exposure for a variant of billiards that is rather uncommon on the screen. (Other examples include the movie Klassik and “The Game Must Go On” episode of the animated series Kikioriki.)

Second, and far more surprising, it’s one of the few billiards films that is adapted from the fiction of a famous author – in this case, the 1855 short story “Notes of a Billiard-Marker” (or “Recollections of a Billiard-Marker”) by Leo Tolstoy. In Tolstoy’s original story, a billiard marker (the person who keeps score and manages the table at a gambling hall) does the narrating, but otherwise, it’s a pretty loyal adaptation. Unfortunately, the powerful themes on display in Tolstoy’s story – the combination of overwhelming guilt, social ruin, and financial loss leading to despair and suicide – get both watered down and over-dramatized in Green, Bygone…

Whether Tolstoy’s story would have fared better under more capable or better-financed directorial hands is hard to know, but borrowing from one of the most influential writers in history gives Green, Bygone… at least a scintilla of respect.

Of course, The Hustler is the most successful and recognized billiards film adapted from a literary work, but the author Walter Tevis is hardly a heavyweight like Tolstoy. Isaac Asimov’s short story “The Billiard Ball” was adapted into a short film (The Billiard Ball), but that was by two students from the University of Akron. Billiards at Half Past Nine, the German novel by Nobel Prize-winning author Heinrich Böll, exists as a film, but let’s face it, this is a #fakebilliardsmovie, not exactly about the sport. To my knowledge, neither Alphonse Daudet’s “A Game of Billiards” nor Ernest Hemingway’s “Soldier’s Home” has made its way to the silver screen. And, sadly, last I checked, none of the books on my Top 10 Wishlist of Billiards Screenplay Adaptations has been greenlit, or even optioned.

Top 10 Superheroes Who Are Super Good at Pool

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It was in a tweet from MCUFilmNews when I first saw the rumor that the supervillain 8-Ball would reportedly appear in Spider-Man: Brand New Day. Even in mid-June, with just six weeks to go before the blockbuster’s release, the rumor persisted. Alas, when the film finally came out, more than a few d-list baddies made cameos, but 8-Ball was sadly not among them.

That same depression had washed over me back in 2016 when the comic book adaptation Deadpool released, grossing $135 million on its opening weekend, making it the most successful R-rated movie release ever. The “pool” in the vigilante’s name referred to a betting pool, not billiards, contrary to the widely circulated image of Deadpool casually sitting on a pool table.

It seems billiards and comic book adaptations are not simpatico. At least, that’s what I had always surmised. But, as I started to dig into the annals of comic book themed movies and television episodes, it turns out that superheroes do have a knack for shooting stick. Well, at least some of them do. So, grab your popcorn and utility belt as I walk you through the Top 10 Superheroes who are Super Good at Pool.

10. Batman and Robin

In the 2017 animated movie Batman vs Two-Face, Gotham’s favorite duo prove that they’re no stranger to billiards, or at least not to a giant-sized billiards death trap courtesy of the Joker. The deadly play starts with Joker’s taunt, “Batman in the corner pocket.” While we can’t evaluate Batman’s backspin, he proves very adept backpedaling on a spinning three-ball to avoid the jumbo spherical menaces. Robin, however, is clearly new to the baize; he barely avoids a careening nine-ball when Batman pulls him to safety. It’s “holy compaction” time for team B&R. (Side note: this wasn’t the first time the Joker showed a proclivity for pool. Remember the broken cue stick scene from The Dark Knight?)

9. Superman

If we’re searching for the O.G. of superhero pool players – the ultimate caped Mosconi – then it must be Superman. And I’m not talking about David Corenswet or Henry Cavill or Brandon Routh or Tom Welling or Dean Cain or Christopher Reeve. I’m referring to George Reeves who played the Man of Steel in the 1950s Adventures of Superman series. In the 1954 episode “Semi Private-Eye,” the Last Son of Krypton shows up at a seedy pool hall to interrogate the local hoodlums and gangsters. I’ve only found stills of the episode, but it’s clear the Big Blue Boyscout knows how to shoot stick, or at least, can crush a cueball with his bare hands.

8. The Incredible Hulk

It’s doubtful the Hulk possesses any natural ability to shoot billiards, but he sure knows how to end a pool game – and I’m not referring to pocketing the eight ball. In the late ‘70s, Marvel’s green goliath appeared on television in CBS’ series The Incredible Hulk. Professional bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno played the Big Guy in fright wig and full green makeup. In the 1978 “Waterfront Story” episode (starting at 19:55), and then again in the 1980 “Long Run Home” episode, the Hulk appears in a local bar – after his alter ego Bruce Banner gets beaten up – and proceeds to break cue sticks, crush billiards balls, and use the bar table to mow down the local yahoos.

7. Wolverine

Not surprisingly, Canada’s baddest-ass, mutton-chopped, cigar-smoking, liquor-swilling, adamantium-boned mutant enjoys pool. While the live-action Logan hasn’t indulged, Wolverine from X-Men: The Animated Series is a frequent patron of the sport. Both in the 1992 episode “Night of the Sentinels, Part Two” and the 1993 episode “Til Death Do Us Part, Part 1,” Wolverine enjoys some billiards until some humans choose to interfere and mess up all the fun. Such distractions lead to all sorts of billiards mayhem from his X-Men compatriots, including Cyclops lasering a table in two and Gambit kinetically charging a billiards ball, turning it into an explosive weapon.

6. The Flash

DC’s speedster The Flash can run around the Earth in about 0.133 seconds. Over the years, he has outrun the concept of death, he has perceived events that last less than an attosecond (i.e., a quintillion of a second), and of course, he has regularly harnessed the power of the Speed Force to travel back in time. But, he might want to skip over 1990. That’s the year the original television series The Flash premiered on CBS. While the series was horrible, the episode “Sins of the Father” did reveal that the Flash can play pool. Or, at least, he can quickly clear a table, clear a rack of cue sticks, and spin a billiards ball so fast that it creates a hole on the table. All of this to save a helpless M. Emmet Walsh from a trio of nogoodniks.

5. Yellow Power Ranger

Since 1993, the color-coded, spandex-wearing Power Rangers superhero team have been entertaining children, and making billions of dollars across the myriad franchise properties for their corporate overseers. Tucked into that 30+ year history is Power Rangers RPM, the sixteenth entry in the franchise, which included the 2009 episode “The Dome Dolls.” In that episode, Summer Landsdown (aka Yellow Power Ranger) is not showcasing her kung fu or flexing the Sabertooth Tiger Dinozord, but rather impressing the boys in a game of pool. Told a certain shot “has never been done before,” she steps to the table, takes her stroke (with terrible form), and makes five balls at the same time. Unfortunately, her mates pass out from some airborne diotoxin before they can witness the accomplishment.

4. Plastic Man

Unlike Marvel’s stultifyingly stuffy Mr. Fantastic, DC Comics’ stretchmaster, aka Patrick “Eel” O’Brian, better known as Plastic Man, is a surreal, slapstick, one-man rubberband. He also got his own animated series: The Plastic Man Comedy/Adventure Show. Though it only lasted five seasons, the “This Is Where We Eat” episode from 1979 features our malleable metahuman escaping an angry mob at Pepe’s Pool Parlor. There he physiologically morphs his body into a cue stick so that his sidekick Hula-Hula can use him to play pool while they search for information on the whereabouts of Plastic Man’s nemesis Dr. Dome. Apparently, maintaining a 58”x1” shape can be challenging, and Plastic Man reverts to his original form after a nice shot by Hula-Hula. (Watch the scene here, starting at 0:54.)

3. Supergirl

Before Milly Alcock’s drunken sot version of Supergirl was getting soused at every red sun bar in the galaxy, the more wholesome Melissa Benoist version was bashfully learning to play pool in the 2020 “Reality Bytes” episode of Supergirl. In the scene, Kara Danvers’ boy-crush friend William Dey promises to take the game “one shot at a time” since Kara has only played eightball once in her life. But, that doesn’t stop Kara from invoking some Kryptonian mojo and pocketing all 15 balls on the opening break.

2. Daredevil

The Man Without Fear may also be known as The Man With Mad Skills, given the double ball ricochet shot he hits in the 2016 “Bang” episode of Daredevil. For the uninitiated: Daredevil, aka Matt Murdock, is a blind lawyer whose other senses are super-augmented as a result of a chemical accident when he was a child. Apparently, those augmented senses include the application of echolocation to enable him to perceive the location of balls on the pool table. While fellow lawyer Karen Page “fails” to teach him the game in the first half of the scene, it’s clear once she leaves, in the second half of the scene, that he was playing the role of the beginner because “she wanted to teach me,” and secretly was a crackshot all along.

1. The Teen Titans

One might think the Titans TV series, with its graphic violence and dark themes, might have a billiards scene among its episodes. But, it is the supergroup’s animated spin-off series, Teen Titans Go!, that overdelivers, with not just a scene, but a whole episode devoted to billiards. The ninth season “Pool Shark” episode (2025) finds our quintet of young Titans egging on their friend King Shark to start playing pool again. Via flashback, we learn that King Shark used to be the “big champ” of the DC Villains Billiards League, in which a who’s-who of DC baddies – including Scarecrow, Doctor Light, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Brainiac, Catwoman, Killer Moth, Poison Ivy, Two Face, Clayface, and Black Manta – used to congregate around the table to shoot stick. King Shark won hundreds of games with his lucky narwhal cue stick, but his overconfidence got the better of him and he lost it in a bet to a mysterious character called The Hand. King Shark never played again. But, coincidentally, the DC Billiards Invitational is happening this weekend, which gives King Shark a chance to redeem himself and for all of us viewers to learn the secret identity of The Hands. The episode is streaming on HBOMax.

That wraps my top 10 list. So, what can we conclude? More than a few of these heroes are likely beatable, but given their penchant for crushing balls bare-handed, I’d recommend throwing the game. A couple of these heroes could likely defeat Shane Van Boening, or at least compete against Florian Kohler for best trick shot. And while HBO’s current Lanterns hasn’t yet featured any billiards, if the TV-based Green Lantern ever emulates his comic book counterpart with a galactic pool stick, we’re all in trouble.

A Quintet of Women-Directed Billiards Short Films

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According to a 2015 study by Dr. Stacy Smith at USC’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, 32% of short films are directed by women. And according to the National Sporting Good Association, 35% of billiards players are women. ChatGPT has reminded me that statistics don’t quite work this way — and that my grasp of conditional probability is dreadful — but I’m going to go ahead and argue that, given those numbers, at least a decent percentage of billiards short films ought to be directed by women. And yet, the fact remains: there is a real paucity in this area.

Of the 183 billiards short films I’ve identified, approximately 10% are directed by women. This includes a few — e.g., Nine-Ball; New York Billiards; Biljar; O’Reilly’s Luck — that I’ve reviewed before in past posts. Well, here’s my attempt to bring a few more to your attention.

Drop Pocket

It took me nine years to track down and finally reconnect with Margaux Hemard, the director of this 2017 Australian short film. But, it was worth it. Created while she attended the Sydney Film School, Drop Pocket is a poignant movie focused on an estranged middle-aged father, who attempts to reconnect with the son he abandoned 20 years ago, over a high stakes pool game. The son is not aware of the stranger’s identity, which creates a very asymmetrical dialogue, as the son shares some resentment about his father, and the father assesses whether to disclose his true intent. In this sense, it reminded me of Penance, another female-directed billiards short film that deals with two characters who may have a close connection.

While billiards is clearly secondary to Ms. Hemard’s exploration of the “possibility of reconciliation after irreparable psychological damage caused by the abandonment of a parent,” the film proves she’s no stranger to capturing the energy of the sport. The use of rapid shots, different angles, blurred backgrounds, and a long tracking shot, not to mention the inclusion of “Hum Along and Dance” by Rare Earth, all bring the billiards to life.

Beyond Billiards (original title: Más Allá del Billar)

Director Florencia DuFou kindly sent me a link to Beyond Billiards, a 2025 student production she created as part of the Acting degree program at the National University of the Arts in Argentina. But, not surprisingly, it was in Spanish, so I needed to use transcription and translation software from Sonix.ai to generate a film I could comfortably review.

The self-funded film focuses on Dolores (played by Ms. DuFou) who is playing billiards with a movie director. Some emotions from the past resurface, and he tries to make a move on Dolores, but is rejected. Her night takes a much stranger turn when Death later shows up at the door, ready to take Dolores. She’s able to stall, and then rebuff him by inviting him to play pool and then getting him to gamble on the likelihood of her making a difficult shot.

This is no Twilight Zone – “A Game of Pool” but it’s commendable what was created with the limited resources they had. And, I’m glad I was introduced to the song “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by the punk band Bauhaus. It was a fitting choice for the film.

The Shaughnessy Standard

Samantha Hussey’s 2024 film has an interesting set-up that falls apart in its execution. Two estranged siblings are reconnected by the death of their father, who decided before he died that the only fair way to split his estate was to have the siblings compete for it in a winner-takes-all single game of pool. It’s a bit of a cruel joke since the father acknowledges in the pre-recorded video that pool is the “one game you’ve never been able to play.” After watching the video, the siblings relocate to the billiards room where they attempt to play. But, the playing is soon eclipsed by a recounting of their fractured relationship and then an urge to settle things – specifically, his ashes – in a very different way. A little more billiards playing would have been appreciated, though admittedly, it’s not that entertaining watching people miss shots.

Scratch

Girl power gets its moment on the baize in Alice Blasingame’s 2024 short film Scratch. A trio of besties bond in billiards as they tell bad jokes, trade anecdotes about substituting in the science classroom, improvise songs about Bill Nye the Science Guy, and find camaraderie in rebuffing predatory bar patron Brad and sticking him with the bar bill. They even recruit a local barfly to be the “Brad buffer.” Two women also bond over using Brad to make an ex-boyfriend jealous. Light on substance and lighter on enjoyable billiards, the film has a female empowerment message, but without a novel twist, it views more like a table scratch.

El Billar

Irene Blei refers to her 1990 short film El Billar as a “graduation project according to current standards.” As Ms. Blei shared with me, “I’d always been interested in animated film, but back then in Argentina there was no formal training in this field—however, I was able to work as a teacher, sharing some of what I’d learned on my own about animation. I applied for a scholarship and was lucky enough to win it.”

The film is pretty straight-forward. A toad and another animal are playing pool. Another toad approaches, but he is rejected because he is a foreigner. Packed within those few minutes is Ms. Blei’s exploration of lip-syncing (in animation), as well as a project to revive traditional Argentinian tales, using the toad as the protagonist. She brings to life phrases about toads, such as “to act like a toad,” “to be a toad from another pond,” and “to grow up like a toad.” Having that context and then rewatching the film gave it a whole new level of meaning.

Today Ms. Blei has directed more than 20 animation shorts, won over 30 awards, been featured in the The Many Wonderful Lives of Argentine Animation at New York’s Museum of the Moving Image, and most amazingly, is the founder of Taller de Cine El Mate, which was the first film school for children and youth in Argentina.

While I don’t wish to make any generalizations about the types of movies women make, I do find it interesting that across this quintet of five films (which were randomly selected, so long as they were billiards short films directed by women that I had not yet reviewed), there are no sketchy hustlers, no brawls, no dingy pool halls. The themes vary considerably, though friendship, reconnection, and working through challenging pasts are all prevalent. Personally, I’d like to see a little more exploration in these areas across the genre, regardless of who directs them.

Dirty Pool

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A common movie trope is the pairing of two adversaries who suddenly find shared ground against a larger enemy. Thor and Loki uniting against the Dark Elves (Thor: The Dark World). Rocky and Apollo partnering to defeat Clubber Lang (Rocky III). Professor X and Magneto setting aside their differences to combat William Stryker (X2: X-Men). Maverick and Iceman channeling their testosterone to fight the Russians (Top Gun).

The list goes on and on. But one entry unlikely to be on your radar are the two pool players who star in the entertaining two-minute animated film Dirty Pool. Created in 2016 by Canadian animator Brent Forrest, the film was a finalist at the 2016 Los Angeles Cinefest and was a winner at the 2016 MindField Film Festival in Los Angeles.

Set in a pool hall with a cool jazz background track, Dirty Pool pits two men against one another in a game of pool. The film begins with all the standard pre-game rituals of billiards, including cue assembly, chalking, and racking. One of the men exudes confidence, the other is nervous Nellie. When one opponent sinks the 8-ball on the break, a minor tussle occurs, setting off a Rube Goldbergian set of escalating events. Bulbs break, cue sticks clatter, a fire extinguisher goes off, and a lone 8-ball hurls across the pool hall breaking the beer steins of a trio of (much) larger men. And, thus, a new shared enemy is born. The film, which Mr. Forrest worked for a year after hours and on weekends, is available to watch here.

I only learned about the film two months ago when Mr. Forrest contacted me about it. He kindly responded to my questions via email. Excerpts of that exchange follow.

Why did you create Dirty Pool?

When I was very young and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a Disney Animator. In my last year of high school, I got an internship at a small studio in Toronto. In time, I started assisting with shots and gradually learned the ins and outs of production and watched as the studio shifted from 2D to 3D. Instead of going to college I stayed there for six years.

In the years since then I have been working “in animation” but mostly doing special effects, compositing, rigging, modelling, editing, basically everything but character work. I still want to animate, but my demo reel doesn’t have much character animation on it, and no one is going to hire an animator without a strong reel. So, I decided to make my own film – focusing strictly on animation. That’s why I used the free Malcolm rig – this wasn’t about rigging or modelling or being a “generalist” (I hate that term), this was all about animation. It’s a passion project, but with a set goal.

You said it’s largely based on a true story. Can you elaborate?

We spent so much time at the pool hall next door, the boss eventually bought a table for the studio. We had our own team on the league, and the relationship between the two players is how I saw my own relationship to my old mentors. This was an idea that was born in the early days of my career, playing pool with other animators from that studio.

Why is the film dedicated to the Charlotte Room?

The Charlotte Room is the pool hall where we used to play. It [closed in 2015], another casualty of the unending condo development in Toronto. I tried to recreate the environment from photos and memory.

You indicated you improved the ending. What changes to the ending did you make?

Originally, the ball just went flying then we cut to the pint glasses being knocked over. My wife suggested I add a series of escalating events with the ball crashing around. Since it didn’t require any more character animation I set up a series of effects shots – a little bit of everything, shattering glass, soft-body dynamics, sparks, fluids, flashing red lights. It took about three weeks to add.

Why do you describe Dirty Pool as a “timeless tale of good vs not so good”?

I see a lot of animated films described as ‘deep testament’ to this that or the other. Mine is just a cartoon. A pratfall, gag upon gag. I wanted to take the piss out of the more serious short animated films. Mine wasn’t about the “duality of man” or the “perseverance of the human spirit,” it was just about fun.

What is your personal experience with pool?

Always make sure everyone is watching when you attempt that huge cross table bank shot. No one will care if you don’t make it but everyone will remember if you do. Oh, and have a little dance prepared for when you sink it.

To learn more about Mr. Forrest or to contact him directly, visit his website.

Top 15 #FakeBilliardsMovie

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In honor of my 150^th blog post, I must turn my attention to the less honorable, seldom discussed, near-underground genre of #FakeBilliardsMovie. Yes, these are the films that peddle in billiards imagery and idiom – pool tables, eight-balls, cue sticks, green baize – to lure in viewers, yet upon closer inspection, have little to nothing to do with the sport. The egregious members of this sinister club are movies that reveal a blatant disrespect for billiards, seizing upon the popular appeal of pool to bamboozle the unsuspecting cinephile.

On occasion, the storyline gives a fleeting nod to billiards, perhaps featuring a lone pool table as part of a billiards bar backdrop. Such is the case with Kevin Spacey’s 1996 directorial debut Albino Alligator, in which a New Orleans bar, pool table and all, provide the venue for a foiled robbery attempt. But, far more often, the billiards is simply a siren’s call, a cinematic fool’s errand that leaves the viewer despondent and depressed. To help rid Hollywood of this subterfuge, I present to you my meticulously researched list of the Top 15 #FakeBilliardsMovie movies, with each malefactor representing a decade of blog posts. Let the countdown begin (and note that all summaries are courtesy of IMDB).

Signage. In 2007, Rick Hammerly directed this 12-minute short film in which a receding hairline, the beginning of crow’s feet and a chance encounter with a young deaf man force the protagonist to confront getting older in today’s youth-conscious world. The poster proclaims, “When life calls the last shot,” while showing the bottom left corner of a pool table, but the game is a ruse, largely irrelevant to the film. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Destiny Stalled. When I first saw the poster to this short film from 2000, I was so keen to watch it that I reached out to the director Susan Johnson because the movie was unobtainable online. Ms. Johnson kindly sent me a password to watch the movie on a private video hosting platform. It’s a touching film about the connection forged between a man and boy at a hospital. But whereas the poster would suggest that billiards is critical to their interplay, the irritating truth is that pool is a transitory thread. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Angels with Dirty Faces. Good versus evil. The priest versus the gangster. Father Connolly versus Rocky Sullivan in a fight over the fate of a group of ‘dead end kids.’ Michael Curtiz’ 1938 drama sizzled on the screen, with James Cagney starring in an Oscar-nominated role as the magnetic local crime boss. So, what’s with the pool hall as the fateful setting for the head-to-head confrontation? Yes, our gang of street urchins frequent a pool hall, but this poster is a cheap shot, ya dirty rat. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Behind the Eight Ball. At times compared to the Marx Brothers, the Ritz Brothers (Jimmy, Harry, and Al) were an American comedy team making movies since the early 1930s. But, in 1942, they crossed the line with the musical comedy Behind the Eight Ball, which had the members of a summer theater group getting mixed up with spies and murder. The film featured a bullet-shooting clarinet, but the poster was cue stick crookery. #FakeBilliardsMovie

8-Ball and 8-Ball. Given the plethora of authentic billiards movies unoriginally named “8-Ball,” it’s borderline criminal that these two foreign films felt compelled to exploit the popular term for no reason remotely related to the sport. The 2013 Finnish film, originally titled 8-Pallo, is about a single mother who, having just been released from prison, is trying to start her life anew. And the 2012 short film from Argentina is about about a man having a personal crisis who seeks solitude in a park, when a passing stranger named 8-Ball takes an unwelcome interest in him. Really? Couldn’t the stranger have been named Agapito or Hecmir? #FakeBilliardsMovie

Belle Speranze. Visual skullduggery hit a new nadir when director Mike Leigh’s 1988 film High Hopes was released at the Venice Film Festival as Belle Speranze. Somehow, this “slice-of-life look at a sweet working class couple in London, Shirley and Cyril, his mother, who’s aging quickly and becoming forgetful, mum’s ghastly upper-middle-class neighbors, and Cyril’s pretention sister and philandering husband” became about playing billiards in dimly-lit pub halls. As boring as the American movie poster is for this film, at least it’s honest. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Behind the 8 Ball (series). Also known as the So You Want… series, this collection of 63 black-and-white live action short films, released between 1942 and 1956, all starred Joe McDoakes as the protagonist. Each film humorously addressed an everyday problem (e.g., So You Want to be in Politics; So Your Wife Wants to Work; So You Want to be a Cowboy). But, no mirth could be found in the prominence of the large 8-ball that features repeatedly in the opening credits of each short. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Quarterlifers. Adam Fortner directed this 2011 drama about “four lifelong friends who are each struggling to learn what’s important in their lives through crazy, heart-warming, and hilarious situations.” OK, I guess with a plotline that insipid, I too might opt to bait a larger audience by featuring pool in the movie poster. At least one of the four amigos buys a local billiards bar and tries to operate it. It’s a start. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Blue Velvet. As much as I enjoyed David Lynch’s discomforting 1984 film, I’m disturbed that the movie’s Italian poster, illustrated by prolific movie poster designer (i.e., 3000+ movie posters) Enzo Sciotti, not only references a rape scene that does not exist in the film (although it is rumored the scene was shot), but trades on the visual iconography of the pool table (which is used in the movie when Frank beats a man senseless on the table while topless girls surround him) to create one of the most repugnant billiards images in cinema. And – again – the scene never even happened! #FakeBilliardsMovie

Carambolages. This 1963 French film from director Marcel Bluwal translates to “carom shots.” As if the cue stick in the top left corner was not sufficiently specious, then certainly the title’s translation into one of the most common strokes in billiards is an act of lexical jugglery, for this comédie noire is about climbing the corporate ladder, not banking in billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovie

8 Ball Bunny. Look, I love the gray hare trickster as much as anyone, but there is no reason this 7-minute animation from 1950 needs to capitalize on billiards fandom with this inane image of a penguin sitting on an 8-ball. According to IMDB, in this short “Bugs helps a penguin go home via New Orleans, Martinique, the Panama Canal and finally the South Pole. But the penguin’s home is in New Jersey.” Maybe if the penguin is a metaphor for New Jersey-born Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame inductee Allen Hopkins, I could buy it. Otherwise, this cunicular con needs to come clean. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Raja Natwarlal. The poster for this 2014 Bollywood drama, directed by Kunal Deshmukh, shows an attractive couple leaning on a pool table, but the film is actually about a small-time con man seeking assistance form his mentor with the intention of settling scores with a gangster. Apparently, the culprit for this visual deceit is prolific movie poster creator Bharat Devaliya. Shame, shame. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Eight Ball. Rick Argall directed this 1991 Australian deception that not only traffics in eight-ball imagery and nomenclature, but also repurposes the sport’s argot with the tagline, “In life the trick is to get an even break.” Pity the uninformed viewer who expects some billiards bravado. This film is about a self-absorbed architect who befriends an ex-convict as they work on building a tourist attraction designed to resemble a huge fish. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Muzi v Nadeji. This 2011 Czech film (translated as Men in Hope) from director Jiri Vejdelek includes one of the most popular (and #NSFW) billiards scenes on the internet. Thousands of people have watched and shared it, likely with little knowledge of its origin. Indeed, the scene is the basis for the movie’s poster, which exploits the intended viewer’s love of both billiards and beautiful, buxom women. Yet, aside from the one scene, this two-hour comedic romance shows no interest in billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Nine Ball Diaries. Of all the #FakeBilliardsMovie transgressors, the top dog is this 2008 documentary on – wait for it – cyclocross, an extreme form of bicycling. Aside from the indignity that the film relies entirely on the softly haloed image of a 9-ball (and includes said ball in its title), the poster simultaneously snubs its own subject, as if to fatuously assume that cyclocross is well-understood. And, lets’ face it, with the exception of Breaking Away, the bicycle-movie genre could probably use some good PR.

I hope this list has raised your mercury level a bit. This sort of affront requires action. Perhaps, you’ll consider a boycott, or a hunger strike. Maybe join a sit-in or march to Hollywood to draw attention to #FakeBilliardsMovie. Of course, if other domestic and global issues seem more important (which is remotely possible), then I encourage you to sit back down on the couch, grab a beer and some popcorn, and watch any of the 200+ legitimate billiards movies, short films, and television episodes I’ve cataloged.

Fresh Off the Boat – “Keep ‘Em Separated”

In my previous blog post, on the 2014 movie Second Chance, I highlighted that it was the first film to originate from Taiwan focused on billiards, which was ironic, given nearly 10% of the Taiwanese population plays billiards, second only to baseball in sports popularity.

For this reason then, it’s hardly surprising that the ABC sitcom Fresh Off the Boat, about a Taiwanese family’s journey from Washington DC’s Chinatown to Orlando, Florida, prominently featured billiards in its March 2016 Season 2 episode, “Keep ‘Em Separated.”

Fresh Off the Boat, now in its third season, is the first American sitcom in more than 20 years to prominently feature an Asian-American family on a major network during a primetime slot. Starring Randall Park as Louis Huang and the comically sharp Constance Wu as his wife Jessica, the show highlights daily life as the family opens a cowboy-themed steak restaurant in 1995.

In “Keep ‘Em Separated,” the premise is that Louis now has a lot of free time because he’s no longer personally responsible for closing the restaurant. That’s creating a lot of tension on the home front, since Louis is continually interrupting Jessica’s ‘girl time’ with her next door BFF Honey. Deciding that he should get back into pool, Jessica surprises her husband by unveiling his retired now re-tipped cue stick, Black Ball Betty, which Louis explains is “not a bo staff [but] a different kind of weapon…a two piece low deflection maple staff pool cue.”

Emboldened by the reunion with Black Ball Betty, Louis – aka Louis Short Pocket – heads over to the Cue Tips Pool Hall, where he has a great night: “Cheap beer, non-stop [George] Thorogood on the jukebox, the smell of Camel Lights and desperation.” This pleases Jessica silly, until she learns that Louis’ billiards partner is a woman named Toni.

The introduction of Toni (Angelique Cabral) provides the episode’s funniest moments. Entering Cue Tips to the sound of Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet,” a “song that can make everything sexy,” Toni struts out in stiletto heels, skin-tight black jeans, and a spaghetti strap top, then delicately blows billows of red chalk dust into the air from the tip of her cue stick.

Jessica, who subscribes to the When Harry Met Sally school of thought that men and women cannot be friends, immediately interrogates Toni, with both needle-sharp questions (“Why did your parents name you Toni? It’s a man’s name.”) and over-the-top comments (“You have no power here, witch…you heard me, demon.”)

The madcap situation continues when Jessica insists that Louis drop Toni and make her his partner instead. Expectations run high as Jessica then enters the pool hall to ZZ Top’s “La Grange” in red heels, black leather pants, and wind (?!) blowing her hair. But, the fantasy quickly crash lands back on Planet Earth, with Jessica swapping the heels for Keds, missing simple shots, and using all the quarters on the table to put Amy Grant on repeat on the jukebox. She laments, “Pool is so boring, there is so much standing around…it’s worse than baseball.”

The episode comes to closure as Jessica ultimately concedes she doesn’t want to be a “wet blanket wife” and realizes that Louis will have far more fun shooting with someone who can play. That said, she still insists, “no touching and always show the wedding ring.”

Unfortunately, while “Keep ‘Em Separated” provides its share of good laughs, it is completely lacking in good pool. Admittedly, I was hopeful, as I first learned about the existence of this episode from Trickshot Tim Chin, who was the billiards technical advisor during filming. But, as Tim posted in his December 2015 blog:

It came together real fast with the director calling me the week beforehand and I was glad I wasn’t busy. I got to coach Randall Park, who plays Louis Huang, and Angelique Cabral, who plays Tony, on how to look like a pool player. Unfortunately, the team didn’t really put my trick shot skills to great use due to the time constraints of filming, but the actors did quite well on their own and improved tremendously in the short time I had with them.

The Fresh Off the Boat “Keep ‘Em Separated” episode is available to purchase through YouTube.

[Wanted!] Running Out

Before IMDB removed their message boards, there was only one comment associated with the billiards movie Running Out. “IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!!!” wrote thejollillama. Similar messages have popped up on the AZBilliards Forum, such as Cuebacca’s post, “What’s the deal with that pool movie, Running Out? I keep checking the internet periodically, but it never seems to become available.”

Fancying myself somewhat of a Sherlock Holmes of billiards-themed cinema, I typically love these laments, as I’ve been able to track down quite a few hard-to-find films and television episodes (e.g., Genuine Article – “Puzzles and Pool Cues”; the Swedish short film Nine Ball; A Paradise Without Billiards). However, after much research and numerous dead-end explorations, all detailed below, Running Out, like the near-mythical treasure chest of Forest Fenn or the golden owl La Chouette d’Or, remains out of reach, a billiards Bigfoot. So I beseech my readers: If you have any information about this movie or the whereabouts of the people involved in its creation, please contact me directly.

Let’s start with what we know. In October 2001, the billiards movie Running Out released at the Riverside Film Festival, followed shortly after at the Inland Empire Film Festival, and then at the High Desert Film Festival. Directed by Byron Cepek for an estimated budget of $50,000, the film focuses on three pool hustlers: Cindy (an upcoming Hollywood starlet), Tanya (a strung-out addict who makes money as a dominatrix), and Rex (a sex addict). The players interact and compete, living with the consequences of their actions, and the playing culminates with an ending that online reviewers described as “incredible,” “intense” and “hard to watch.”

As expected, the film is not available to buy or rent through any standard retail channels or file-sharing sites. Sometimes festival organizers have access to old releases, but not in this case. The High Desert Film Festival no longer exists, nor does the original Inland Empire Film Festival. And the Riverside Film Festival, which recognized Running Out with its Best of Show award, only had files dating back to 2003, according to the event’s Film Programmer Nancy Douglas.

Having exhausted the festivals, I pivoted to the director. Unfortunately, Mr. Cepek only made this one film. No other info is available on Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. While I found a Yahoo email for him in a response he made to a Google Group posting, the email bounced back immediately.

Eric James Niemi wrote the film and played the lead (Rex), though curiously, he has been removed from the IMDB Cast & Crew listing. Apparently, Mr. Niemi studied film at California State University, Fullerton, with Professor Diane Ambruso. According to an article in The Daily Titan, Mr. Niemi had sold a script he had written in Professor Ambruso’s class to an Australian producer.^[1] When that deal fell through, Mr. Niemi revealed that he “started drinking and returned to playing pool for a living…and quickly fell into debt [from gambling].”^[2] This confession seems to coincide with when he wrote and starred in Running Out. Mr. Niemi’s story then takes an odd twist, in which he started selling bootleg copies of Adobe software to make money and protect his family from the loan sharks. He was indicted in November, 2001.^[3] No more information is available.

The other two film leads, Suzy and Tanya, were played by acting unknowns Sarah Davis and Vanessa Davis, respectively. Sarah Davis never made another movie. Vanessa Davis, on the other hand, stopped starring in films, and instead, turned to doing makeup and hair for movies. Nominated for a Primetime Emmy in 2005 for her hairstyling work on Warm Springs, Vanessa may be able to shed light on the film’s mysterious history. Unfortunately, she has been unresponsive to my attempts to reach her at the Atlanta phone number she lists at the top of her online resume.

Most of the remaining actors in Running Out were unknowns who never appeared in another film or who had very limited film careers. There is some speculation that the Tony Watson who played Fat Tony may have been the North Carolina billiards player “Little” Tony Watson, though I’ve been unable to get confirmation.

As for the production companies associated with Running Out, both Reaction Machine LLC and Knight Pictures are no longer in business. Mr. Niemi, who used the alias Eric Knight, was the likely owner of Knight Pictures. Reaction Machine lists Erin Niemi, presumably a relative of Mr. Niemi’s, as the Managing Partner. But, those companies’ dissolution coincides well with Mr. Niemi’s U-turn from screenwriting to software pirating.

I also hit an impasse when I started to sift through the technical and production team. There is no available information after 2003 on the producer Katherine Shattuck, the composer Cody Tyler, or the film editor Jason Blackwell. At the other end of the spectrum, David Eichhorn, the film’s dialogue editor, who has a filmography with 150 credits including three primetime Emmys and numerous Emmy nominations, told me via email that he couldn’t even remember working on Running Out.

The second unit director, Diego Martien, now goes by Diego Porqueras and is the President and CTO of Deezmaker, a California-based manufacturer of 3D printer kits. Mr. Porequeras promptly responded to my inquiry, but only to share that he “lost touch with the person that did [Running Out] and never really saw a cut on it. (It got a bit messy with production).” However, he did share with me a music video he made at that time to test certain concepts from the film.

Having run out of people associated with the film to contact, I considered tracking down the three user reviewers who graciously shared their thoughts on IMDB. But, whiningfilmcritic has not posted since 2002, and hollyhills and rocker247 were one-and-done film critics.

Running Out may lack the recognition of The Player, a better-known “missing” billiards movie that has confounded billiards enthusiasts for more than 40 years. But, if the recent discoveries of the Franklin Expedition Ship or the remains of the U-26 are proof that mysteries can take at least a century to solve, then there is a smidgeon of hope that time has not “run out” for finding this missing movie.

[1]

[2] http://misc.writing.screenplays.narkive.com/0ojQQtRC/eric-james-niemi-on-his-felony-conviction-please-read-this[Note: this link is no longer active]

[3] https://www.justice.gov/archive/criminal/cybercrime/press-releases/2001/niemi_indict.htm

Rated B for Billiards: Top 10 Billiards Bedroom Scenes

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Certainly, ever since Marilyn Chambers got ravished on the snooker table by the gardener of her father’s estate in the 1980 pornographic classic Insatiable, the billiards room has been the locus of many sexual encounters, dalliances, and romps in film. The scenes have ranged from the erotic or coquettish (e.g., Cinderella Liberty) to the brutal and vicious (e.g., Watchmen; Unholy Rollers). Something about balls, sticks, long flat felted surfaces, and the 30-inch height of a pool table that lends itself to cinematic lechery. I therefore present my Top 10 Bedroom Billiards Scenes (though, practically speaking, none of these occur in the bedroom) for your consumption, amusement, and critique. Enjoy! #NSFW

Bedazzled. Director Harold Ramis chose in 2000 to remake the original 1967 Bedazzled by casting Brendan Fraser as Elliot Richards and pin-up goddess Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil in this film about a hopeless dweeb granted seven wishes to snare the girl of his dreams in exchange for his soul. In this early scene from the movie, the Devil seduces Elliot into having a conversation, but not before rendering him tongue-tied with her body-rocking dress and her break that pockets 15 balls in one shot.

Days of Our Lives. At some point in 1992, the daytime soap opera aired an episode, which included this scene, reuniting Carly Manning (Crystal Chappell) and Bo Brady (Peter Reckell), who engage in some truly McCheesy dancing to Joe Cocker’s “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” Of course, Carly didn’t leave a lot else on, as Bo picks her up and mounts her on the table, effortlessly rolling the cue ball into the corner pocket for maximum effect.

Scorned. Shannon Tweed, wife of KISS frontman Gene Simmons and the star of roughly 60 erotic thrillers, doesn’t have time to finish her billiards stroke before Andrew Stevens begins his with a little backdoor billiards in this scene from the ever-missable, softcore 1994 thriller. Amazingly, this film even spawned a sequel, albeit with no billiards scene.

Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure. One year after Scorned, Ms. Tweed is (literally) back on the billiards table in this 1995 straight-to-video softcore film. Dispensing with any pretension of being used to play pool, the billiards table in this scene is simply another setting for Ms. Tweed to disrobe, writhe, gyrate, moan, arch, and express her curious comfort with getting nailed on the baize.

And God Created Woman. Thirty-two years after Roger Vadim directed the French film Et Dieu Créa La Femme (And God Created Woman), he remade the film under the same name in 1988, this time casting the seductive Rebecca De Mornay as the vamp Robin Shea. In this billiards scene, where the “winner says do, and the loser does,” Shea memorializes her victory over James Tiernan (Frank Langella) with the command that he get down on his knees, remove her underwear, and perform oral sex on the table.

Alfie. In this scene from the 2004 film about a cockney womanizer learning the hard way about the dangers of his actions, Alfie (Jude Law) and Lonette (Nia Long) strut around a purple felt billiards table, playing “I Never,” and alternating among shots of pool, shots of 1800 tequila, and shots of Lonette’s cleavage. Jukebox tunes from Teddy Pendergrass (“Love T.K.O.”) and The Isley Brothers (“For the Love of You”) ensure Alfie will do more scoring tonight than just on the table.

Femme Fatale. In 2002, Brian De Palma cast supermodel Rebecca Romjin in this crime drama about an ex con-woman Laure/Lily trying to put her life back in order. The mediocre movie, now largely forgotten, did turn heads and raise the adrenaline with its seductive opening pool table scene. The scantily clad Romjin engages in a slow strip tease that shows no skin, but suggests everything. The sudden juxtaposition of sex and the ensuing violence is equally memorable.

Men in Hope (original title: Muzi v Nadeji). The film poster notwithstanding, this 2011 Czech film has nothing to do with billiards, except for this one lascivious scene in which the bodacious Sarlota (Vica Kerekes) enters the parlor, wearing a skin-tight, eye-poppingly-open, red mini-dress, and is introduced to Ondrej (Jirí Machácek). Along with Ondrej’s father, the trio begin to play three-cushion billiards. Sarlota’s cleavage distracts from the game, but that’s fiddlesticks compared to the delirium subsequently caused by Sarlota shimmying out of her pink underwear and using it as a hair tie, presumably so she can aim better.

Red Shoe Diaries – “Double or Nothing.” Zalman King’s popular erotic Showtime drama series was formulaic with its lite-plot stories of sexual awakening that combined nudity, soft lens cinematography and mood music. In this 1992 episode, the super-sultry Paula Barbieri stars as a woman who is forced to survive by relying on her pool-playing skills…which naturally involves assuming all sorts of positions on a pool table.

The Last Picture Show. Peter Bogdanovich’s 1971 Best Picture about the coming-of-age of a group of 1950s high schoolers is worth watching for countless reasons, but the billiards sex scene is certainly among the most unforgettable. Jacy Farrow (a 21-year-old Cybill Shepherd) lures Abilene (Clu Gallagher), her mom’s older lover, to an empty pool hall, where a brief attempt to play pool is replaced with Abilene having sex with Jacy on the table. The close-ups of Jacy’s hands reaching through the netting of the table’s pockets will stain your memory for some time.

Phew, I’m sweating. Well, if you can still focus your attention, let me know what would be on your Top 10 list. And, no, Two Nude Girls Playing Billiards doesn’t count. Of course, with the forthcoming production of 50 Shades Darker (2017), which may include the highly-gossiped billiards scene (cf. “I am going to spank you, then fuck you over this billiard table.”), I may need to revisit my rankings in the near future.

The New Show – “The Hustler”

FATS: Do you like to gamble, Eddie? Gamble money on pool games?

FATS: Hundred dollars?

EDDIE: Well, you shoot big-time pool, Fats. I mean, that’s what everybody says, you shoot big-time pool. Let’s make it two hundred dollars a game.

FATS: Now I know why they call you Fast Eddie. Eddie, you talk my kind of talk… (moving to the main table) Sausage! Rack ’em up!

As any billiards cinephile knows, these are some of the indelible lines penned by Sidney Carroll and Robert Rossen for the 1961 film The Hustler. The exchange marks the first interaction between Paul Newman (as “Fast” Eddie Felson) and Jackie Gleason (as Minnesota Fats). The dialogue is so precise that the actors’ voices are audible and instantly recognizable from the printed word alone.

Twenty-three years later, in the 1984 “The Hustler” sequence from The New Show, these words are uttered almost verbatim by the same characters, shot in B&W in a cinematographic feel identical to that created by Eugene Shuftan in The Hustler. But, replacing Mr. Newman and Mr. Gleason are two very different actors: Kevin Kline (as Eddie) and John Candy (as Fats). The full sequence is below:

Is this a remake? Are we going to watch a shot-for-shot reenactment, like Gus Van Sant’s 1998 treatment of Psycho?

For those familiar with The New Show, Lorne Michaels’ NBC sketch comedy that aired during the 1983–84 television season, the answer, of course, is no. There is anticipation that though the dialogue, framing, music, and cinematography all mimic the original The Hustler, something is hopefully about to become wildly different and madcap. And, boy does The New Show send-up of The Hustler not disappoint!

Once Sausage has racked the balls, and the two players have lagged for break, Fats prepares to break and…miscues. His ingenuous follow-up response is priceless: “Wait, I wasn’t ready for that. Can I take that again?” For Eddie’s turn, after asking if you need to call balls (“No, you don’t need to call them. Except the 8-ball. That you must call.”), he misses wildly on his break, caroming the cue off of several rails without touching the rack.

And so it goes, turn after turn. As Kenyon Hopkins’ noirish score from The Hustler marks the slow passing of the hours, Eddie and Fats miss, scratch, and scratch some more, until a line of nine balls have been put back on the table, penalizing the players for their ineptitude. Fats shares, “It’s time to get something going here Eddie. Maybe a little old-fashioned bangy ball.”

More hours pass, the hands of the clock rotating speedily, the cigarette butts amassing on the floor, and still the chalkboard reads, “Game One.” The two players, feuding after 16 hours, about whether the $200 bet really counted, collapse on the table, exhausted. Fats proposes, “Let’s clear all the balls off the table except the 8-ball and the cue ball. Whoever sinks it is the winner.” I won’t reveal the ending, but it’s consistent with the previous lunacy.

“The New Show” was intended to mark Mr. Michaels’ return to television, after a five-year hiatus from Saturday Night Live. The comedy show appeared on Fridays, not Saturdays, in prime time, not late night. It was filmed “mock live,”not live, and featured three guest stars, who rotated from show to show, instead of one host. These decisions were intended to differentiate it from SNL. But, even with its incredible rotating cast of characters (Kevin Kline, John Candy, Steve Martin, Catherine O’Hara, Buck Henry, Jeff Goldblum, Gilda Radner, Raul Julia, Penny Marshall, and Laraine Newman), the show was a ratings disaster. It ran for just nine episodes before getting canned as the lowest rated of 94 programs during the 1983-1984 television season.

If you are like me, and you are only experiencing the joy of watching “The Hustler” for the first time via this blog or seeing it recently posted on YouTube, then we collectively owe a huge amount of gratitude to Tor Lowry, a managing member of Zero-X Billiards and the creator of the billiards web series, 14 Days – The Great Pool Experiment.

For over the past year, Mr. Lowry had been on a personal quest to locate “The Hustler.” Other clips from The New Show (e.g., “Roy’s Food Repair”, “The Twilight Zonettes”) had been available on YouTube for some time, but only the first several minutes of “The Hustler” were viewable, prior to Mr. Lowry’s successful sleuthing. (I even reached out to the New York Paley Center for Media, with their library of 160,000 television shows, radio programs and commercials, on Mr. Lowry’s behalf, only to come up empty.) Mr. Lowry finally located someone who had recorded the episode on VHS, and subsequently transferred the recording to YouTube, making it viewable for all.

Given “The Hustler” has already racked up almost 16,000 views in less than a month, there is perhaps hope that this short-lived series may one day be available again to watch.

A Minute with Stan Hooper – “The Hustler”

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The Fox sitcom A Minute with Stan Hooper pretty much came and went in about that much time. Premiering in late 2003, the series was cancelled after the first six episodes aired. That’s too bad. Based on the third episode, entitled “The Hustler,” the sitcom had some comedic promise, attributable in no small part to the offbeat humor of the show’s creators and writers Norm MacDonald (Saturday Night Live) and Barry Kemp (Newhart).

For those who blinked and missed this series, A Minute with Stan Hooper featured Norm MacDonald in the titular role as a famous newspaper columnist turned television commentator, who moves his family from New York to (fictional) small-town Waterford Falls, Wisconsin, where he hopes to connect with middle America in order to grow the viewership of his weekly minute-long television commentaries.

In “The Hustler,” Stan is invited out by Lou Peterson (Garrett Dillahunt from Raising Hope), one of the locals, to “shoot a little pool, drink a little beer” at Jimmy’s Tavern, where they will play billiards for “nickels and dimes.” Feeling this will give him a chance to connect with the town’s denizens, he readily agrees and goes to the bar, where humorously everyone is named Jimmy. But, when he sees Lou unsheathe his cue stick and go through his routine of polishing and chalking, he questions if he is being hustled.

That suspicion increases after Stan sees Lou miss wildly on his shot after the break. Yet, the gaffe elicits “oohs” and “aahs” from the bystanders, and Lou’s good friend Jimmy consoles him with, “That was close.” Stan, who has already admitted he is not very good, botches his next shot, prompting Fred (the ever reliable Fred Willard) to share, “Gents, this has all the making of a great one.”

Confused? So is Stan. The television viewer’s vantage shifts from eye-level to birds-eye, hovering over the pool table, as simple shot after simple shot is horribly missed. When Stan finally makes a gimme in the side pocket, the locals go crazy. Stan dryly retorts, “I’ve made three balls in 90 minutes.”

Finally, as the game hits the three-and-half-hour mark, according to a clock in the tavern, Stan lines up to shoot the 8-ball. Lou, drenched with sweat, shudders, “He’s not going to sink the 8-ball. That’s the hardest one.” And Fred, with an inside reference to Minnesota Fats’ character in The Hustler, says to all, “You are watching an artist. Watch that fat man [Stan] shoot with his fat hands.”

When Stan wins the game by five balls, he is owed “two dimes and a nickel,” which he learns does not equal 25 cents, but is equivalent to $2500, an enormous sum that will force Lou to close his diner to pay the bet. Stan later inquires why they play for such high stakes. The answer, according to Fred, is “they’re simple folks. It makes them feel important. And because no one plays well enough to finish a game, no one has ever lost. Until now.” The remainder of the episode focuses on Stan’s ill-conceived attempts to return the $2500 to Lou. The full episode is available to watch here.

“The Hustler” is not the first television episode to focus on pathetic pool. In the 1996 “City Slackers” episode of Boy Meets World, Eric challenges an opponent to a game of pool to win the heart of a girl, but his plan fails after “15 hours of someone yet sinking a ball.” A far more interesting spin on bad pool is the episode “Water Park” from Malcolm in the Middle, in which Malcolm’s older brother Francis competes with his Commandant to see who can lose in eight-ball in the most spectacular fashion. But, perhaps, the most hilarious take on bad billiards is from the 1984 “The Hustler” skit for The New Show, in which “Fast” Eddie Felson (Kevin Kline) challenges the Fat Man (John Candy) to $200/games of pool, and both proceed to shoot horribly.

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