Tag Archives: pool movies

Green, Bygone…

If you’re looking for the best in Polish cinema, start with the movies of acclaimed director Andrzej Wajda. His films – The Promised Land; The Maids of Wilko; Man of Iron; Katyn – all were nominated for Best International Film Oscars.

There’s also Paweł Pawlikowski (Ida; Cold War), Roman Polanski (Knife in the Water, his debut Polish-language film before he directed classics like Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby), and Krzysztof Kieślowski (the Three Colours trilogy: Blue; White; Red). All should challenge the mind and make for an entertaining evening. Just don’t focus on Gerard Zalewski, the director behind the numbingly boring, made-for-television 1976 Polish billiards film Zielone – minione…, which translates to Green, Bygone…

Ploddingly paced and reeking of overacting, the movie follows a young landowner who returns home to handle a large inheritance. While home, he becomes fascinated by billiards and gambling at the local men’s club. His overconfidence and foolhardy attitude quickly produce a severe gambling addiction and, more problematically, a sizable financial debt owed to some of the local plutocrats. His bad luck and mounting obligations eventually lead to a tragic, though hardly shocking, denouement. Let’s just say when I wasn’t dozing off from boredom, I was annoyingly distracted by the close-ups of the large beads of sweat that seemed permanently grafted to the young landowner’s anxious countenance.

Though Green, Bygone… is plagued with problems, including its clunky and instantly forgettable title in Polish and English, there are two specific aspects that make the film noteworthy.

First, the billiards. For a 65-minute film, there is a surprising amount of billiards on the screen – specifically, Straight Pyramid, a version of Russian billiards that is popular across Russia and several former Eastern Bloc countries, including Poland. In Straight Pyramid, any ball may be used as the cue ball. Players can pocket the ball they struck if it hits another ball first, with the goal being to carom the struck ball off one or more other balls into a pocket. Each frame continues until 14 balls are pocketed, similar to Straight Pool; these 14 balls are then re-spotted into an incomplete pyramid.

The billiards sequences are hardly energetic – certainly you’re better off tuning into Mariusz Skoneczny winning the EEBC Pyramid Tour – but at least it’s exposure for a variant of billiards that is rather uncommon on the screen. (Other examples include the movie Klassik and “The Game Must Go On” episode of the animated series Kikioriki.)

Second, and far more surprising, it’s one of the few billiards films that is adapted from the fiction of a famous author – in this case, the 1855 short story “Notes of a Billiard-Marker” (or “Recollections of a Billiard-Marker”) by Leo Tolstoy. In Tolstoy’s original story, a billiard marker (the person who keeps score and manages the table at a gambling hall) does the narrating, but otherwise, it’s a pretty loyal adaptation. Unfortunately, the powerful themes on display in Tolstoy’s story – the combination of overwhelming guilt, social ruin, and financial loss leading to despair and suicide – get both watered down and over-dramatized in Green, Bygone…

Whether Tolstoy’s story would have fared better under more capable or better-financed directorial hands is hard to know, but borrowing from one of the most influential writers in history gives Green, Bygone… at least a scintilla of respect.

Of course, The Hustler is the most successful and recognized billiards film adapted from a literary work, but the author Walter Tevis is hardly a heavyweight like Tolstoy. Isaac Asimov’s short story “The Billiard Ball” was adapted into a short film (The Billiard Ball), but that was by two students from the University of Akron. Billiards at Half Past Nine, the German novel by Nobel Prize-winning author Heinrich Böll, exists as a film, but let’s face it, this is a #fakebilliardsmovie, not exactly about the sport. To my knowledge, neither Alphonse Daudet’s “A Game of Billiards” nor Ernest Hemingway’s “Soldier’s Home” has made its way to the silver screen. And, sadly, last I checked, none of the books on my Top 10 Wishlist of Billiards Screenplay Adaptations has been greenlit, or even optioned.

Top 10 Superheroes Who Are Super Good at Pool

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It was in a tweet from MCUFilmNews when I first saw the rumor that the supervillain 8-Ball would reportedly appear in Spider-Man: Brand New Day. Even in mid-June, with just six weeks to go before the blockbuster’s release, the rumor persisted. Alas, when the film finally came out, more than a few d-list baddies made cameos, but 8-Ball was sadly not among them.

That same depression had washed over me back in 2016 when the comic book adaptation Deadpool released, grossing $135 million on its opening weekend, making it the most successful R-rated movie release ever. The “pool” in the vigilante’s name referred to a betting pool, not billiards, contrary to the widely circulated image of Deadpool casually sitting on a pool table.

It seems billiards and comic book adaptations are not simpatico. At least, that’s what I had always surmised. But, as I started to dig into the annals of comic book themed movies and television episodes, it turns out that superheroes do have a knack for shooting stick. Well, at least some of them do. So, grab your popcorn and utility belt as I walk you through the Top 10 Superheroes who are Super Good at Pool.

10. Batman and Robin

In the 2017 animated movie Batman vs Two-Face, Gotham’s favorite duo prove that they’re no stranger to billiards, or at least not to a giant-sized billiards death trap courtesy of the Joker. The deadly play starts with Joker’s taunt, “Batman in the corner pocket.” While we can’t evaluate Batman’s backspin, he proves very adept backpedaling on a spinning three-ball to avoid the jumbo spherical menaces. Robin, however, is clearly new to the baize; he barely avoids a careening nine-ball when Batman pulls him to safety. It’s “holy compaction” time for team B&R. (Side note: this wasn’t the first time the Joker showed a proclivity for pool. Remember the broken cue stick scene from The Dark Knight?)

9. Superman

If we’re searching for the O.G. of superhero pool players – the ultimate caped Mosconi – then it must be Superman. And I’m not talking about David Corenswet or Henry Cavill or Brandon Routh or Tom Welling or Dean Cain or Christopher Reeve. I’m referring to George Reeves who played the Man of Steel in the 1950s Adventures of Superman series. In the 1954 episode “Semi Private-Eye,” the Last Son of Krypton shows up at a seedy pool hall to interrogate the local hoodlums and gangsters. I’ve only found stills of the episode, but it’s clear the Big Blue Boyscout knows how to shoot stick, or at least, can crush a cueball with his bare hands.

8. The Incredible Hulk

It’s doubtful the Hulk possesses any natural ability to shoot billiards, but he sure knows how to end a pool game – and I’m not referring to pocketing the eight ball. In the late ‘70s, Marvel’s green goliath appeared on television in CBS’ series The Incredible Hulk. Professional bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno played the Big Guy in fright wig and full green makeup. In the 1978 “Waterfront Story” episode (starting at 19:55), and then again in the 1980 “Long Run Home” episode, the Hulk appears in a local bar – after his alter ego Bruce Banner gets beaten up – and proceeds to break cue sticks, crush billiards balls, and use the bar table to mow down the local yahoos.

7. Wolverine

Not surprisingly, Canada’s baddest-ass, mutton-chopped, cigar-smoking, liquor-swilling, adamantium-boned mutant enjoys pool. While the live-action Logan hasn’t indulged, Wolverine from X-Men: The Animated Series is a frequent patron of the sport. Both in the 1992 episode “Night of the Sentinels, Part Two” and the 1993 episode “Til Death Do Us Part, Part 1,” Wolverine enjoys some billiards until some humans choose to interfere and mess up all the fun. Such distractions lead to all sorts of billiards mayhem from his X-Men compatriots, including Cyclops lasering a table in two and Gambit kinetically charging a billiards ball, turning it into an explosive weapon.

6. The Flash

DC’s speedster The Flash can run around the Earth in about 0.133 seconds. Over the years, he has outrun the concept of death, he has perceived events that last less than an attosecond (i.e., a quintillion of a second), and of course, he has regularly harnessed the power of the Speed Force to travel back in time. But, he might want to skip over 1990. That’s the year the original television series The Flash premiered on CBS. While the series was horrible, the episode “Sins of the Father” did reveal that the Flash can play pool. Or, at least, he can quickly clear a table, clear a rack of cue sticks, and spin a billiards ball so fast that it creates a hole on the table. All of this to save a helpless M. Emmet Walsh from a trio of nogoodniks.

5. Yellow Power Ranger

Since 1993, the color-coded, spandex-wearing Power Rangers superhero team have been entertaining children, and making billions of dollars across the myriad franchise properties for their corporate overseers. Tucked into that 30+ year history is Power Rangers RPM, the sixteenth entry in the franchise, which included the 2009 episode “The Dome Dolls.” In that episode, Summer Landsdown (aka Yellow Power Ranger) is not showcasing her kung fu or flexing the Sabertooth Tiger Dinozord, but rather impressing the boys in a game of pool. Told a certain shot “has never been done before,” she steps to the table, takes her stroke (with terrible form), and makes five balls at the same time. Unfortunately, her mates pass out from some airborne diotoxin before they can witness the accomplishment.

4. Plastic Man

Unlike Marvel’s stultifyingly stuffy Mr. Fantastic, DC Comics’ stretchmaster, aka Patrick “Eel” O’Brian, better known as Plastic Man, is a surreal, slapstick, one-man rubberband. He also got his own animated series: The Plastic Man Comedy/Adventure Show. Though it only lasted five seasons, the “This Is Where We Eat” episode from 1979 features our malleable metahuman escaping an angry mob at Pepe’s Pool Parlor. There he physiologically morphs his body into a cue stick so that his sidekick Hula-Hula can use him to play pool while they search for information on the whereabouts of Plastic Man’s nemesis Dr. Dome. Apparently, maintaining a 58”x1” shape can be challenging, and Plastic Man reverts to his original form after a nice shot by Hula-Hula. (Watch the scene here, starting at 0:54.)

3. Supergirl

Before Milly Alcock’s drunken sot version of Supergirl was getting soused at every red sun bar in the galaxy, the more wholesome Melissa Benoist version was bashfully learning to play pool in the 2020 “Reality Bytes” episode of Supergirl. In the scene, Kara Danvers’ boy-crush friend William Dey promises to take the game “one shot at a time” since Kara has only played eightball once in her life. But, that doesn’t stop Kara from invoking some Kryptonian mojo and pocketing all 15 balls on the opening break.

2. Daredevil

The Man Without Fear may also be known as The Man With Mad Skills, given the double ball ricochet shot he hits in the 2016 “Bang” episode of Daredevil. For the uninitiated: Daredevil, aka Matt Murdock, is a blind lawyer whose other senses are super-augmented as a result of a chemical accident when he was a child. Apparently, those augmented senses include the application of echolocation to enable him to perceive the location of balls on the pool table. While fellow lawyer Karen Page “fails” to teach him the game in the first half of the scene, it’s clear once she leaves, in the second half of the scene, that he was playing the role of the beginner because “she wanted to teach me,” and secretly was a crackshot all along.

1. The Teen Titans

One might think the Titans TV series, with its graphic violence and dark themes, might have a billiards scene among its episodes. But, it is the supergroup’s animated spin-off series, Teen Titans Go!, that overdelivers, with not just a scene, but a whole episode devoted to billiards. The ninth season “Pool Shark” episode (2025) finds our quintet of young Titans egging on their friend King Shark to start playing pool again. Via flashback, we learn that King Shark used to be the “big champ” of the DC Villains Billiards League, in which a who’s-who of DC baddies – including Scarecrow, Doctor Light, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Brainiac, Catwoman, Killer Moth, Poison Ivy, Two Face, Clayface, and Black Manta – used to congregate around the table to shoot stick. King Shark won hundreds of games with his lucky narwhal cue stick, but his overconfidence got the better of him and he lost it in a bet to a mysterious character called The Hand. King Shark never played again. But, coincidentally, the DC Billiards Invitational is happening this weekend, which gives King Shark a chance to redeem himself and for all of us viewers to learn the secret identity of The Hands. The episode is streaming on HBOMax.

That wraps my top 10 list. So, what can we conclude? More than a few of these heroes are likely beatable, but given their penchant for crushing balls bare-handed, I’d recommend throwing the game. A couple of these heroes could likely defeat Shane Van Boening, or at least compete against Florian Kohler for best trick shot. And while HBO’s current Lanterns hasn’t yet featured any billiards, if the TV-based Green Lantern ever emulates his comic book counterpart with a galactic pool stick, we’re all in trouble.

A Quintet of Women-Directed Billiards Short Films

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According to a 2015 study by Dr. Stacy Smith at USC’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, 32% of short films are directed by women. And according to the National Sporting Good Association, 35% of billiards players are women. ChatGPT has reminded me that statistics don’t quite work this way — and that my grasp of conditional probability is dreadful — but I’m going to go ahead and argue that, given those numbers, at least a decent percentage of billiards short films ought to be directed by women. And yet, the fact remains: there is a real paucity in this area.

Of the 183 billiards short films I’ve identified, approximately 10% are directed by women. This includes a few — e.g., Nine-Ball; New York Billiards; Biljar; O’Reilly’s Luck — that I’ve reviewed before in past posts. Well, here’s my attempt to bring a few more to your attention.

Drop Pocket

It took me nine years to track down and finally reconnect with Margaux Hemard, the director of this 2017 Australian short film. But, it was worth it. Created while she attended the Sydney Film School, Drop Pocket is a poignant movie focused on an estranged middle-aged father, who attempts to reconnect with the son he abandoned 20 years ago, over a high stakes pool game. The son is not aware of the stranger’s identity, which creates a very asymmetrical dialogue, as the son shares some resentment about his father, and the father assesses whether to disclose his true intent. In this sense, it reminded me of Penance, another female-directed billiards short film that deals with two characters who may have a close connection.

While billiards is clearly secondary to Ms. Hemard’s exploration of the “possibility of reconciliation after irreparable psychological damage caused by the abandonment of a parent,” the film proves she’s no stranger to capturing the energy of the sport. The use of rapid shots, different angles, blurred backgrounds, and a long tracking shot, not to mention the inclusion of “Hum Along and Dance” by Rare Earth, all bring the billiards to life.

Beyond Billiards (original title: Más Allá del Billar)

Director Florencia DuFou kindly sent me a link to Beyond Billiards, a 2025 student production she created as part of the Acting degree program at the National University of the Arts in Argentina. But, not surprisingly, it was in Spanish, so I needed to use transcription and translation software from Sonix.ai to generate a film I could comfortably review.

The self-funded film focuses on Dolores (played by Ms. DuFou) who is playing billiards with a movie director. Some emotions from the past resurface, and he tries to make a move on Dolores, but is rejected. Her night takes a much stranger turn when Death later shows up at the door, ready to take Dolores. She’s able to stall, and then rebuff him by inviting him to play pool and then getting him to gamble on the likelihood of her making a difficult shot.

This is no Twilight Zone – “A Game of Pool” but it’s commendable what was created with the limited resources they had. And, I’m glad I was introduced to the song “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by the punk band Bauhaus. It was a fitting choice for the film.

The Shaughnessy Standard

Samantha Hussey’s 2024 film has an interesting set-up that falls apart in its execution. Two estranged siblings are reconnected by the death of their father, who decided before he died that the only fair way to split his estate was to have the siblings compete for it in a winner-takes-all single game of pool. It’s a bit of a cruel joke since the father acknowledges in the pre-recorded video that pool is the “one game you’ve never been able to play.” After watching the video, the siblings relocate to the billiards room where they attempt to play. But, the playing is soon eclipsed by a recounting of their fractured relationship and then an urge to settle things – specifically, his ashes – in a very different way. A little more billiards playing would have been appreciated, though admittedly, it’s not that entertaining watching people miss shots.

Scratch

Girl power gets its moment on the baize in Alice Blasingame’s 2024 short film Scratch. A trio of besties bond in billiards as they tell bad jokes, trade anecdotes about substituting in the science classroom, improvise songs about Bill Nye the Science Guy, and find camaraderie in rebuffing predatory bar patron Brad and sticking him with the bar bill. They even recruit a local barfly to be the “Brad buffer.” Two women also bond over using Brad to make an ex-boyfriend jealous. Light on substance and lighter on enjoyable billiards, the film has a female empowerment message, but without a novel twist, it views more like a table scratch.

El Billar

Irene Blei refers to her 1990 short film El Billar as a “graduation project according to current standards.” As Ms. Blei shared with me, “I’d always been interested in animated film, but back then in Argentina there was no formal training in this field—however, I was able to work as a teacher, sharing some of what I’d learned on my own about animation. I applied for a scholarship and was lucky enough to win it.”

The film is pretty straight-forward. A toad and another animal are playing pool. Another toad approaches, but he is rejected because he is a foreigner. Packed within those few minutes is Ms. Blei’s exploration of lip-syncing (in animation), as well as a project to revive traditional Argentinian tales, using the toad as the protagonist. She brings to life phrases about toads, such as “to act like a toad,” “to be a toad from another pond,” and “to grow up like a toad.” Having that context and then rewatching the film gave it a whole new level of meaning.

Today Ms. Blei has directed more than 20 animation shorts, won over 30 awards, been featured in the The Many Wonderful Lives of Argentine Animation at New York’s Museum of the Moving Image, and most amazingly, is the founder of Taller de Cine El Mate, which was the first film school for children and youth in Argentina.

While I don’t wish to make any generalizations about the types of movies women make, I do find it interesting that across this quintet of five films (which were randomly selected, so long as they were billiards short films directed by women that I had not yet reviewed), there are no sketchy hustlers, no brawls, no dingy pool halls. The themes vary considerably, though friendship, reconnection, and working through challenging pasts are all prevalent. Personally, I’d like to see a little more exploration in these areas across the genre, regardless of who directs them.

Extraction, USA

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Here’s the good news: aside from the similar title, there’s no confusing the low-budget, quasi-billiards movie Extraction, USA with the $65 million Chris Hemsworth one-man-army action movie Extraction. In fact, the sum of the “action” in Extraction USA is a man getting beaned in the head with a billiard ball.

Here’s the bad news: if you thought Extraction was a painful watch (and I’m not referring to all the literal pain Hemsworth afflicts on the Bangladeshi hooligans and drug lords), then you’re in for a difficult 90 minutes with Extraction, USA.

Directed by Mike Yonts and released on Tubi last November, Extraction, USA tells the story of Marni (Leanne Johnson), a single mother, and Steph (Marlee Carpenter), a mysterious drifter, who initially connect by hustling pool and then form a romantic relationship that is tested through the discovery of an underground drug ring. Underpinning all their sharking and derring-do is an urgent need to escape Extraction, the metonymic town named for the industry that supports it, and start a new life far, far away.

The industry, whether it’s fracking or something comparable, contaminates the air and water, creating an urban stink and making the city borderline unlivable and mostly impoverished. The typical lament is that there are a “few extraction millionaires and the rest of us fighting over the scraps.” Against this polluted backdrop, it’s no wonder that Leanne hustles pool for a few extra dollars so she can keep her son in school and avoid having him become a “muck kid.”

Then, along comes Steph, a platinum-haired gypsy, whose sojourn somehow has led her to the Time Out Lounge in middle-of-nowhere Extraction, and it’s love at first break. The chemistry dials up to 11 quickly, and pretty soon our sapphic duo are living together, telling lies to Marni’s uber-gullible son, sneaking into deep-pocket pool games, and eventually planning a heist to steal some drugs that “are like rocket fuel for the mucks” to get them to work harder.

Plotwise, it’s preposterous, but nothing is as absurd as the pool-training and pool-playing sprinkled throughout the first half of the film. After learning that Leanne is the best player in town, Steph trounces her and then becomes her Fast Eddie coach, showing her how to make… wait for it… straight-on shots. It’s Pool For Dummies, with high fives abounding after the simplest of shots. In case the nod to The Color of Money was missed, Leanne quotes Paul Newman’s character on two different occasions: “money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”

The games involving hustling are nominally more interesting, solely because of “quake rules” (i.e., if there is a tremor caused by a local extraction and the balls move, they’re played wherever they land). But, those games are filmed unimaginatively, with a sole jump shot breaking the monotony. (I don’t know how much Tammy “Lefty61935” Anderson, the credited “billiards trainer” earned for this film, but she was overpaid.)

It’s not that Extraction, USA lacks heart or grit. The makers of the film said it was “one of the toughest tasks any of us ever attempted. Like most indie film crews, we put in some long days and endured all sorts of uncertainty about locations, vehicles, and funding.”

But, shoestring budgets can yield great films. Look at Rocky or Mad Max or Halloween.(1) So, that’s a challenge to conquer, but not the underlying issue.

Rather, it’s the film’s desire to be a little of everything that ultimately turns it into a mishmash of nothing. Per the makers, “On one level the film is about crime and action, but if you look a little deeper, it says some interesting things about income inequality, the environment, and men and women in the workplace.”

Therein lies the problem. Extraction, USA triples-down on its multitude of identities. Go to the movie’s website, and the three themes (or “flavors”) – heist, romance, dramedy – are highlighted, each with its own movie poster.

In the zeal to genre-bend and create a movie that is intended to appeal to multiple types of viewers, Extraction USA fumbles through its competing storylines, short changing any real dramatic tension or character evolution. And by making billiards seminal to the story’s arc, without investing in making the billiards remotely realistic or interesting, the movie completely fizzles, leaving just the stench of extraction in the air.
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Rocky (1976) was made for $1 million and brought in $225 million worldwide. The franchise has grossed $1.9 billion. Mad Max (1979) cost $300,000 and hauled in $100 million. Halloween (1978) was created for $300,000 and raked in over $70 million worldwide. (source: Collider.com)

Whole Lotta Hustle

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In 1961, when 20th Century Fox released The Hustler, Robert Rossen not only made history by directing the gold standard of billiards movies, but also forever popularized the hustler avocation and its association with pool. Though the term “hustler” had been used by road players throughout the twentieth century, and was also the title of Walter Tevis’ first novel, from which The Hustler was adapted two years later, it was Rossen’s movie that permanently injected the hustler into billiards pop culture.

Over the last 63 years, the “hustler” appellation has appeared in more than two dozen billiards movie and television episode titles, ranging from short films (e.g, The Hustle) to international films (e.g., Io, Chiara e lo Scuro, aka The Pool Hustlers); from sketch comedies (e.g., “The Hustler of Money”) to documentaries (e.g., Raising the Hustler); from games shows (e.g., Minnesota Fats Hustles the Pros) to reality shows (e.g., The Hustlers).

The films and shows below are all members of that titular tribe of “hustlers,” tipping their cultural hat to Rossen’s original masterpiece. They all have a whole lotta hustle, even if, unfortunately, most don’t have that much else about which to boast.

MADtv – “The Hustler” (1999)

Never able to fully compete with Saturday Night Live, the sketch comedy show MADtv nonetheless developed a cult following for its lowbrow humor and hot takes on celebrity culture. During the show’s fourth season, comic big man Will Sasso donned the pinstripes and assumed the Minnesota Fats role in the four-minute “The Hustler” sketch.

Essentially, a fat man walks into a pool hall and attempts to convince a local patron that he’s no hustler, just “passing the hours playing the game I love.” He offers to play a game for $5, and he loses. For $20, he loses again. The gag is that he keeps upping the amount and losing, eventually paying out one million dollars. But, when it’s time to complete the hustle and rein in his patsy, his opponent leaves with all the cash. It’s a cute concept, but the predictable joke falls flat quickly. For a far funnier take on The Hustler, watch The New Show with its identically named sketch, “The Hustler.”

Malcom & Eddie – “Do the K.C. Hustle” (1996)

During the 1990s renaissance of black sitcoms, Malcolm & Eddie may not have made anyone’s top five list. Nonetheless, there was far worse watching than this UPN series which paired the responsible and cocksure Malcolm (Malcolm Jamal-Warner, following up his wild success on The Cosby Show) with the fast-talking and frenetic Eddie (Eddie Griffin), who together open a sports bar called McGee’s.

The “Do the K.C. Hustle” episode focuses on a billiards rematch between Malcolm and his old college friend Preston Alexander, now a self-assured millionaire. Preston pokes Malcolm’s ego, getting him to wager $5,000 on a game; only after the deal is sealed does Preston perform some incredible pool shots and Maclom realizes he’s been hustled.

The episode veers in some strange directions involving lingerie and an oversized masseuse, but it’s the wonderful cameo of Richard Pryor as Coach Uncle Bucky that saves the day. Appearing on a power-operated mobility scooter due to his multiple sclerosis, Pryor’s voice is shaky, but his comedic delivery remains spot-on. Though Pryor doesn’t pick up the cue, he doles out good enough advice that Malcolm has the confidence to (1) play without wearing women’s underwear (!!); and (2) make a beautiful multi-ball, multi-rail trick shot to end the game and win the $5,000.

Special kudos to Chef Anton, the episode’s billiards technical advisor, who became the first two-time United States Trick Shot Champion of Pool.

Out of the Blue – “The Hustler” (1979)

With only eight total episodes airing, Out of the Blue is a sitcom trainwreck. The deeply unfunny series starred Jimmy Brogan as Random, an angel-in-training who is assigned to live with (and act as guardian angel for) a suburban Chicago family. (How anyone thought this premise could be humorous is mystifying, but then again, Touched by an Angel ran for almost a decade.)

In “The Hustler,” the Richards family needs to come up with an extra $20 to buy their aunt a sweater. Older son Chris thinks he can make it playing pool, but is quickly hustled. Random cringingly explains, “He let you win a few times. That’s how a hustler sets you up. You’re known as a pigeon. You flew right into his coop.” Lesson learned, Random then gives the hustler a taste of his own medicine, performing the famous six ball butterfly trick shot and quipping, “You’ve heard of Minnesota Fats? They call me Pearly Gates Slim.” (For a more original and funnier permutation of billiards legend Minnesota Fats’ name, watch the Aurora Skittle Pool commercial (1970), featuring comedian Don Adams as “Wisconsin Skinny.”)

I might be more forgiving of this dreck were it not for the deplorable lack of billiards realism. In the first game, Chris’ opponent calls the ball in the corner pocket and then hits it into the side. The cue ball then magically moves to a different part of the table and many of the balls formerly on the table are now mysteriously pocketed. The second game is even worse, as the butterfly shot clears the table, though only six balls went in. The full episode is available to watch below.

Small Time Hustle (2011)

Some time between 1961 and 2011, “hustle” must have become so vulgarized as to have lost its meaning, or else I’m not understanding Rian Lehman’s short film, Small Time Hustle. This wearying film features a couple of small town locals playing pool, sometimes winning money and sometimes losing money. Everyone looks bored, the pool playing is repetitive (as is the music), and there’s no hustle, just a cashier who proves to be a better shot than his opponents. The saving grace is a colorful final 9-ball shot in which the eight ball is first pocketed, and then the ball’s backspin pockets the 9-ball in the opposite side pocket.

Takes Two to Hustle (2014)

Johnny Bastoni and Ace Maserati are respectively the billiards hotshot wildman and his protective gorilla sidekick, who make money hustling pool and earning street cred. In fact, they’re such local legends that one fan is seeking to make a documentary about them. At least, that’s the premise of Alberto D’Onofrio’s Canadian short film Takes Two to Hustle.

Except, in mere minutes, all plausibility is thrown out the window. The only hustle we see Ace make is winning $100 and proclaiming “this is the life!” As for the “crazy motherfucker Bastoni who is scared of nothing and can shred you to pieces,” he comes across as intimidating as a middle school science teacher. The urban folklore seems a far cry from the pathetic reality of these two “heroes of the street.” Remind me why anyone would want to watch a documentary about them?

The Hustler (2013)

Catalan screenwriter David Bertran made waves in 2017 with his short film Coming to Terms that won 45 Awards and was officially selected in 103 film festivals. His first short film, The Hustler is far less well-known, and unfortunately seems unavailable to locate or watch. According to IMDB, the movie is about when “a real estate millionaire, his trophy wife and a hustler engage in a game of pool, things do not always go according to the plan.” (Update: since publishing this post, I connected with the director, who shared this was a student film that “did not pan out.”)

The Real Hustler (2017)

Even less is known about Felipe Lopez’ short film The Real Hustler, which promises, “Pool is a hustlers’ game. One can be the hustler, but someone has to be the mark.” If you have any information about this movie or the whereabouts of the people involved in its creation, please contact me directly.

The Hustle (TBD)

Lest you conclude the hustler’s heyday has run its course, there was a casting call eight months ago in Houston, Texas for The Hustle, a short film that “follows the story of Jake, a confident, seasoned pool hustler who believes he’s unbeatable. One night, he struts into a pool hall, exuding confidence and charm, and quickly hustles a couple of overconfident guys. However, his night takes an unexpected turn when he meets Rebecca, a seemingly casual player who is more than meets the eye.” (Note: since publishing this post, the director released a brief teaser reel on Instagram. No pool yet, unfortunately.)

And, just in case you’re not convinced that the billiards hustler has become as ubiquitous in pop culture as the criminal mastermind, the charming outlaw, and the ice queen, I leave you with the trailer for Custer Hustler, a pool movie that was never actually made.

Swamper

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In the moving industry, a swamper is slang for an unskilled laborer who assists in the loading and unloading of packed furniture, boxes, and other objects. Jay Thurlow, the protagonist of Philip Neumann’s 2021 Canadian movie Swamper, is a swamper, and it’s not pretty.

For every occasional generous gratuity he receives, he must also clean out the fecal matter left in the truck by homeless people; double-check his employer which tries to short-change him on his hourly pay; haul sofas up treacherous cliffs; accept verbal abuse from clients; and turn a blind eye to a murderous, ill-tempered partner.

And that’s just the tip of the cue stick when it comes to Jay’s bad luck and difficult life.

He must also deal with a dying mother, an unemployed alcoholic father, a violent landlord, and a demanding girlfriend. He gets fired, dumped, conned, beaten, and repeatedly threatened. On the positive, someone offers to purchase his eyeball for $20,000.

On top of, or perhaps as a result of, these woes and vices, Jay also has a billiards gambling problem. He’s a pool shark, who easily rattles; a hustler who can’t finish the hustle; a talent who can’t get out of his own way. He’s metaphorically running the table and still scratching on the 8-ball.

Apparently, being an indigenous teen from a broken family is hard, which seems to be core to the movie’s muddled message. But, within this miasma, there is optimism. Brandon Moon, who plays Jay, injects his character with an innocent and heartfelt pertinacity. He is repeatedly knocked down, but never knocked out.

This persistence is central to Jay’s pool game. Whether it’s 8-ball or 9-ball, one pocket against Manitoba Fats or straight pool (“Who the fuck plays straight pool anymore?”) against Ronnie the Rooster, billiards is Jay’s lifeline to a possibly better world.

We root for Jay, even if it’s just to get a momentary respite from his hapless existence. But, oddly, Swamper does not reward the audience, which is one of the film’s fundamental problems. The character arcs are horizontal lines with narratives that fade, rather than conclude. Enjoyable scenes are intermittently scattered throughout an otherwise unsatisfying and exhausting viewing experience.

As for the pool, there are some clear nods to The Hustler and The Color of Money, from the black-and-white filming to the fanboy obsession with specific cue sticks, such as a Kevin DeRoo versus a vintage Meucci, to the aforementioned fat man opponent. The pool-playing is authentic, but it lacks dramatic tension, especially during the culminating $10,000 8-Ball Tournament, which unfortunately makes Swamper a far cry from the genre’s giants it so obviously idolizes.

Sadly, Swamper does have one thing in common with its billiard film predecessors. Just as The Hustler filmed at Ames Pool Hall (which closed five years after the film in 1966), and The Color of Money filmed at St. Paul’s Billiards (now closed), Swamper filmed at Guys & Dolls Billiards in Vancouver…and which is also now closed.

Swamper is not currently available to watch online. A huge thank you to Alex Quinn, actor and producer of Swamper, for sharing a private copy of the film with me to watch.

The Player: Released At Last!

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When Heinrich Schliemann discovered Troy in the 1870s, observers were disappointed that the archaeological site’s grandeur did not align with its portrayal in Homer’s Iliad. When Howard Carter discovered King Tut’s tomb in 1922, many were initially underwhelmed by its small size, and later, by its absence of secret chambers.

Sometimes, reality falls well short of expectation.

That’s certainly the truth behind the recent discovery of The Player, a billiards movie released in November 1971 and considered forever lost. For more than 50 years, billiards enthusiasts have talked about the legendary film, starring Minnesota Fats as “the greatest pool hustler in the greatest pool movie.” The film was the El Dorado of the billiards film genre, often discussed but rarely, if ever, seen, except by a select few who may have viewed it during the one week it played at one of a handful of Ogden-Perry Theatres half a century ago.

Like so many others, I had devoted considerable time to tracking down the film. I even discovered a two-minute trailer. It was like staring at a blurred photo of a head emerging from Loch Ness – proof of an existence just beyond grasp, or maybe a hoax about a film that was never finished. But, ultimately, all my sleuthing proved fruitless, all my leads were dead-ends, and I discontinued the search about 10 years ago. It was the opinion of this billiards film historian that The Player was gone for good.

That denouement – that acceptance of truth – was detonated two months ago when the folks at FT Depot, a film restoration community, dropped a billiards bomb by unexpectedly releasing the complete version of The Player, available here.

The story of that release, which is discussed in detail on the YouTube site, is infinitely more engaging and entertaining than the actual movie. An abandoned print, a delinquent drive-in operator, a storage room filled with rain puddles, Vinegar Syndrome, physical distortion – it’s a cinematic billiards miracle, a feat almost as incredible as Willie Mosconi’s 526-ball run or Efren Reyes’ history-making Z-shot at the 1995 Sands Regency 9-Ball Open.

As for The Player, it’s hard to overstate the awfulness of this film.

Created as a decade-late response to The Hustler, which starred Jackie Gleason as the fictional, corpulent pool shark Minnesota Fats, Thomas DeMartini’s The Player featured the real Minnesota Fats (aka Rudolf Wanderone) in his film debut. Though Fats was central to the film’s marketing, he only appears in three scenes, all of which basically consist of him, playing himself, sauntering around the table, knocking in balls and making dazzling trick shots.

The rest of the movie focuses on a respected pool player Lou Marchesi, whose life begins to crumble through his association with Sylvia, a beautiful and sophisticated woman who refuses to understand or accept his way of life.

The movie largely ping pongs between uninterrupted matches of 9-ball, 14.1, and one-pocket, primarily filmed at the former Shopper’s Pool Room in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and cringe worthy scenes between Lou and Sylvia. The characters are wooden, the script is soporific, the drama is turgid, the pacing is terrible, the filming is poor, and there are almost two relentless hours of reusing the same musical riffs, with the sole exception being the inclusion of Shorty Rogers’ jazzy tune, “The Player.”

Fats is, by far, the most entertaining aspect of the movie, which says something given his limited screen time and lack of acting. (He does have one of the film’s best lines, when he expresses concern to Lou about his overbearing girlfriend and deadpans, “you better dust this tomato off.”)

Throughout the 1960s, producers had allegedly approached Fats about making another great pool movie to follow on the success of The Hustler. He turned down many scripts until he found one that was perfect and realistic with The Player.

I’m pretty sure that story is bogus, but like so much with Fats, who is famous for claiming that Jackie Gleason’s character (created by Walter Tevis) was modeled after him, sometimes the fiction is more entertaining than the facts.

That’s also the story of The Player, a film whose mythology has proven to be far more interesting than its actual content. As appreciative as I am to the technical wizards at FT Depot, I can’t help but wonder if this film was better left in that storage room, shrouded in mystique and deserving not to see another day.

The One-Acts – “Third and Oak: Pool Hall”

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Here’s an all-star lineup:

Anthony Quinn, who won Best Supporting Oscars both for Viva Zapata! and Lust for Life and received Best Actor Oscar nominations for Zorba the Greek and Wild is the Wind.
Fielder Cook, a director who won three Emmys and received five additional Emmy nominations.
Marsha Norman, who received the 1983 Pulitzer Prize for Drama for her play ‘night, Mother.
James Earl Jones, an actor so accomplished that he won the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) including a Lifetime Achievement Honorary Academy Award.
Mario Van Peebles, the director and star of New Jack City (and son of pioneering director Melvin Van Peebles).

That quintet teamed up in November 1989 for “Third and Oak: Pool Hall,” a don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it, one-time only performance. The show was a televised live theater production that was one of four episodes aired as part of the Arts & Entertainment Network’s anthology series American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts.

While “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is hardly the masterpiece that such a quintet seems capable of, the episode still makes for a gem in the annals of billiards television and for some powerful viewing, if you can find it. (More on that later.)

“Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is based on Ms. Norman’s one-act play of the same name. The year is 1978, and the setting is a run-down second floor pool room in Louisville, Kentucky. Mr. Jones plays Willie, the pool hall’s proprietor. Mr. Van Peebles plays “Shooter” Stevens, a radio DJ who is named after his father (Shooter), a nomadic and exceptionally-skilled pool shark until he lost a game and jumped off a bridge to his death.

The elder Shooter and Willie, along with an unseen man named George, were best friends, “more like triplets” or “three blind mice,” as they were often prone to trouble. The younger Shooter is married to George’s daughter Sandra (another unseen character), but their relationship is strained, due to Shooter’s flirtatious proclivities and Sandra’s spending habits. Shooter complains, “I’m a 100% certified wholly-owned slave boy, courtesy of MasterCard.”

Those tensions and connections create a fraught relationship between Willie, the demanding surrogate father figure, and the young Shooter, who questions Willie’s ongoing commitment to George and the pool hall as well as fears being stranded once Willie moves.

If that all sounds a bit soap operatic, you’re not off base. The play is rather convoluted and an excessive amount of banter is devoted to secondhand characters the audience never meets. I doubt I would go watch it off-Broadway.

But, this is James Earl Jones, the O.G. of basso profundos, the voice behind Vader, the man behind Mustafa. He utters his lines with such “gravel and gravitas” that he mesmerizes, even in a semi-forgettable role.¹ He is the uber-paterfamilias, even to a child not his own. Moreover, his presence contrasts well with the uncorked energy of Mario Van Peebles, who is helter-skelter, always in motion, ever circling the pool table and setting up shots, but never finishing them. In short, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” works not because of the story, which is both overly complicated and prosaic, but because of the actors’ chemistry and their visceral tension, each one step away from snapping.

Mr. Quinn, the on-screen pre- and post-host of all four episodes of American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts, shares that Ms. Norman always walked by the real pool hall at Third and Oak, but never went in. She “imagined the life inside of the places we don’t go into.” It’s that imagination that is the root of the problem.

For starters, there are fundamental racial problems associated with a white woman who is unwilling (or afraid) to go into a black-owned poolroom, but feels comfortable giving voice to its patrons. But aside from that mega hitch, Ms. Norman’s choice never to enter the poolhall means there is no attempt to really understand the mind of the road player, the argot of the pool table, and the impact such a life could have on family and friends. We are left with make-believe, a thin drama that only works because the actors can overcome it.

Billiards enthusiasts, whose hopes may have been raised given the paucity of plays that reference billiards (never mind include “pool” in their title), will undoubtedly feel discontented. With the exception of a brief mention of Ralph Greenleaf and Willie Hoppe, neither the dialogue nor the action reveals any familiarity with the sport. As mentioned earlier, Shooter repeatedly picks up a cue, but he rarely follows through. In fact, there is a scene toward the end in which Shooter attempts to make his father’s famed trick shot, but as he never sets up the shot the same way, it’s an embarrassing attempt at verisimilitude.

Intrigued? Curious to watch? Unfortunately, unless you live in Los Angeles or New York City, you may be shit outta luck. “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is not available anywhere to stream or purchase, and I could not find any bootleg versions online. However, if you’re in LA or NYC, the Paley Center for Media has the episode in their archives for public viewing.

“James Earl Jones: A voice for the ages, aging gracefully,” The Washington Post, September 17, 2014.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 1)

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As the popularity of billiards has intermittently waxed and waned over the past century, numerous billiards magazines and journals from around the world have aspired to keep an ear to the baize for its fan base. By my count, almost 100 different publications have reported on the sport.

They span a lifetime: from Billiards Magazine, the industry’s pioneer which launched in 1913, to its current incarnations, such as Billiards Digest, Pool & Billiard, SPM Media, and Snooker Scene. They have spanned the globe: from Cue’s (Japan) and d’Billiard (Indonesia) to Billiard World (Russia) and Bubbles (Croatia). And, they have tackled the sport at every angle: from the highly quantitative (Accu-Stats) to the questionably (in)appropriate (Billiards Table Talk).

For the sports’ professionals, the magazines have provided visibility and exposure to a larger audience, albeit not that large or for that long with many of these publications. Nonetheless, to paraphrase Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, it “is the thrill that’ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of ~~the Rollin’ Stone~~ a billiards magazine.”

But, the story gets much more interesting when we leap beyond those 100 billiards publications (of which perhaps 10 are in print today). The global print and digital magazine industry was approximately $90B in 2020. There were 7,416 print consumer magazine titles in the US alone in 2020. I have no idea how many there were in the world.

All those different titles create a massive opportunity both for showcasing the sport’s stars to a non-billiards fanbase, and for reminding the world of the visual, emotional, and metaphoric power of the game. Seeing is believing, and the surest way to ensure the long-term survival of the sport is to keep it front and center, however, whenever, and wherever.

Excluding the aforementioned billiards publications, I have found 173 non-billiards magazines that either feature billiards or billiards professionals on their covers. Once again, they cover 100 years, criss-crossing the globe and infiltrating news, music, culture, and every other magazine genre. To make sense of such a motley mélange of magazines, I created the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. (Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be in the next blog post.) Call it the alt-Ellies, phenolic resin, chalk dust, and all.

BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

Having grown up with Sports Illustrated covers plastering my bedroom walls, I still cannot forgive the US magazine for failing to feature billiards on its cover. It’s not because it’s niche; chess, bowling, and ballooning have all graced the cover. At least SI ran a story on Jeanette Lee, entitled “The Little Blessings of the Black Widow,” in the October 7, 2021 issue.

Fortunately, the China edition of Sports Illustrated did not make the same mistake. A 2010 cover features Chinese snooker player Ding Juhui, the most successful Asian player in the sport’s history. Having recently won the 2009 Pukka Pies UK SnookerChampionship, Mr. Juhui was ranked fifth in the world at the time of this issue.

Runner-up: Sportstar, the monthly Indian sports magazine, featured national star Pankaj Advani on its cover both in September 2009 and November 2014.

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

For countries, such as the United States or France, that publish upwards of 7,000+ magazine titles per year, it’s not surprising to see billiards imagery sprinkled across a smattering of titles. But, for less obvious countries, where the number of magazine titles published is under 1,000, seeing billiards imagery is like sinking the 8-ball on the break.

This award goes to the 2022 issue of наш спорт, a Belarus publication that translates to Our Sport. Not sure who is gracing the cover, but the magazine is dedicated to the “promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the education of a healthy harmonious personality, the priority value of which is an active, healthy and long life.”

Runner-up: The Italian magazine Grazia did its first international spinoff with a Bulgarian edition. A 2022 issue features model Elsa Matiz “playing to win” (assuming she catches that 8-ball).

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

There are lots of lists of celebrities shooting billiards. I recently wrote about Fred Astaire, a maestro of the sport, who made his own shots across four episodes of Dr. Kildare.

This award, however, has zero to do with billiards skill; it has everything to do with that feral combination of hot Hollywood bods, suggestive, physical contortions, and all the sexual innuendo packed into stroking shafts and pocketing balls.

There was a lot out there to ogle, but it’s a tie between a leopard print lingerie-clad Neve Campbell gracing the 1999 cover of the Dutch magazine Veronica and Bradley Cooper giving us his baby blue stare on the 2015 cover of Vanity Fair.

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

I may have discovered more than 300 billiards movies, TV episodes and short films, but I freely admit most are unlikely to receive more than an ⅛ page vertical of magazine copy. Ever. Never mind a cover.

Of course, The Color of Money was no ordinary film. It was a sequel, directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese 25 years after the Oscar-winning original, that paired two generations of megawatt stars, Paul Newman and Tom Cruise, fresh off of Top Gun.

Not surprisingly, this category’s winner, the November 1986 issue of Life, salutes that film by offering a “private visit with the new hustler and the old pro.”

Runner-up: While it’s tempting to award the December 1986 issue of US, or the November 1986 issue of American Cinematographer, which both focused on TCOM, the award goes to a 1989 Chicago Tribune – TV Week, which shows James Earl Jones and Mario Van Peebles starring in the little-known billiards episode, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall.”

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

The audience for niche interests is wildly varied, vast, and boundless. Not surprisingly, niche magazines are ready and waiting to satiate these sub-groups’ desires for content. And, there are some really niche mags out there: Emu Today & Tomorrow (emu farming), PRO (portable restroom operators), Girls and Corpses (‘nuff said).

While billiards has never graced the cover of Elevator World, it has extended its reach into some non-mainstream areas of interest. Flex, an American bodybuilding magazine with a peak estimated circulation of 78,000, wins this award with its March 1986 cover featuring strongman Albert Beckles. He may be “on the ball,” but I’m afraid he’s going to crush that cue stick into wood chippings.

Runner-up: Apparently, in Greece, haircuts are associated with billiards. At least, that’s my conclusion from the 2020 cover of The B. Mag, a Greek magazine devoted to the barber industry, which gives new meaning to the pool lingo, “a close cut.”

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

Aside from his countless appearances on sports magazines, Michael Jordan appeared on the cover of everything from GQ and Ebony to Time and Cigar Aficionado. It’s a great sign when athletes can raise their profile beyond the pages of their industry’s publications.

Winning this category is the 2002 issue of FWD, a Pinoy men’s magazine, which featured Efren “Bata” Reyes and the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee sharing the cover. Their joy is evident; it’s equally shared by us billiards fans.

Runner-up: The 2015 Autumn issue of Whiskeria, a British magazine devoted to unlocking the mystery of whisky, is remarkable for featuring Michaela Tabb on its cover. Not only is she a snooker personality in the world’s leading whisky magazine, but she’s a snooker referee!

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

We’re currently exploring universities for my son. There are a myriad of factors to consider when applying: location, tuition, size, culture, Greek life, academic disciplines, etc. But, the prevalence of billiards? That’s a criterion I had not considered.

Whether to appeal to the student body or their alumni, various universities over the years have chosen to highlight billiards in their public relations. But, no university has done it better than our category winner, Black Hills State University, which put Shane Van Boening on the cover of their Fall 2022 Alumni Magazine. Though the “South Dakota Kid” did not attend the Spearfish, South Dakota based university, he’s about as close to a local legend as the school can ask for.

Runner-up: Kudos to the University of Michigan for its cover story on union renovations stripping away 97 years of pool hall history in their January 2018 issue of The Statement.

MOST UNINSPIRING USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

Milton Friedman’s 1953 essay ‘The methodology of positive economics,’ with its famous expert pool-player analogy, is one of the most cited and influential pieces of writing in twentieth-century economics. While the essay is controversial, it’s proof-positive of the widespread metaphoric application of billiards. But, just because billiards can be applied, does not mean it should be…

Claiming the win in this category is the March 2006 of Insurance Journal, a magazine devoted to the property and casualty insurance industry. Under the headline, “Rack ‘Em Up,” the cover features an off-camera player aiming at the 14-ball in a story about the “most popular pockets for accountants’ liability claims.” Talk about a crisis in mixed metaphors.

Runner-up: I’m still scratching my head to understand why the January/February 2017 issue of The Smart Manager, India’s first management magazine, shows billiard balls, cue, and chalk in a cover story on the future of management development programs.

MOST LIKELY TO IMPRESS BOB VILLA

Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

Handcrafted America. Incredible Inventions. The Genuine Article. Furniture To Go. All of these television series have dedicated episodes to the craftsmanship and assembly of billiards tables and cues. No wonder a number of magazines in the Home Improvement sub-genre have similarly devoted cover stories to such a topic.

The category winner is the November-December 1966 issue of Workbench, a magazine about the use of tools and working with wood. The magazine’s strapline invites readers to “construct your own professional-type home pool table.” Three cheers for the Cleaver family shooting pool, but the icing for me was the billiard ball-themed masthead (albeit with two 4-balls).

Runner-up: Seven years after the Workbench issue, Popular Mechanics followed suit in January 1973 with a cover story about “how to build a deluxe pool table for $107.” Yet, somehow this DIY solicitation is much less inviting.

That concludes Part 1 of our Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. I’ll share the remaining winners in my next blog post. Until then, if you stumble across any billiards imagery gracing the cover of a non-billiards magazine, please send it my way. Maybe there is a pool-playing potato farmer out there, just waiting to make the cover of Spudman.

Hard Luck Love Song

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Avril Lavigne recently revealed that she is planning to turn her 2002 globe-spanning, Grammy-nominated, pop-punk anthem “Sk8er Boi” into a feature film.¹

I’m no advisor to the stars, but she might want to reconsider that creative gamble. The landscape of ‘songs made into movies’ is largely a cinematic wasteland. Sure, the film Yellow Submarine was genius, Sam Peckinpah’s Convoy did decently, and Arthur Penn earned an Oscar nomination for directing Alice’s Restaurant, even if the film was a box office flop. But, outliers aside, the 80+ films in the genre represent a hodgepodge of ‘never heard of it’ and ‘wished I hadn’t watched it.’

Unfortunately, the 2020 billiards movie Hard Luck Love Song only adds to the genre’s detritus.

Helmed by first-time director Justin Corsbie, Hard Luck Love Song is based on the 2006 folk song “Just Like Old Times” by American songwriter Todd Snider. Told in the first person, the song is the story of a pool hustler and a hooker, who having not seen one another in years, get reconnected when he sees an ad for her services in the weekly Scene. Little of the hustler’s backstory is revealed, except that he “won a tournament last week in Oklahoma City” and “hustled half of this town tonight.”

In Mr. Corsbie’s film, Jesse (Michael Dorman) is a struggling country music singer/songwriter, who is finally able to put a little cash in his pocket after overtly hustling some California locals in pool. Warned, but feeling confident, he registers for a tournament on the wrong side of town, which pits him against the heavily tattooed neighborhood chieftain Rollo (an unrecognizable Dermot Mulroney). Rather than settling for just the tournament’s pot, Jesse hustles Rollo for an additional $2000 and then narrowly escapes.

Back in his motel room and flush with cash, the movie now picks up where the song starts:

There’s a Coke machine glowin’ through the parking lot

Call it a room with a view

Best night of pool that I ever shot

I made a lot of money too

Enter Carla (Sophia Bush), the aforementioned prostitute. Jesse and Carla have real chemistry, and for a hot moment, the song/movie really works. But, after their rendezvous is interrupted by a police officer, who learns these crazy kids went to high school together in 1982, the song ends, and so does any coherence in the movie.

A third act introduces Eric Roberts as an avuncular bar proprietor and Wu-Tang Clan’s RZA as a former boyfriend, but basically it’s a bunch of insipid dialogue that leads to a completely preposterous fight scene, in which Rollo proves pool hustling is no way to make a living.

There is also no further pool-playing, which makes me question the classification of Hard Luck Love Song as a billiards movie, but given the lackluster pool scenes in the film’s first act, it’s probably just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen Kelly Bundy more convincingly portray pool hustling in Married… with Children than what passes for billiards in this movie. There are no styled shots, no set-ups, not even the de rigueur trick shot. When Rollo remarks that he’s never seen someone run a table like Jesse has, it makes you wonder what version of Skittle Pool he’s been playing.²

For a better (albeit hardly great) billiards movie originating from a song, check out The Baron and the Kid, based on Johnny Cash’s 1980 song, “The Baron.” While predictable and paper-thin, the film takes its billiards seriously (thanks, in no small part, to the technical advising of Mike Massey).

Hard Luck Love Song is available to stream on Amazon Prime.

_________________

1. Avril Lavigne Teases ‘Sk8er Boi’ Movie That Will Take Hit Song ‘to the Next Level’

2. According to Dr. Dave Alciatore, the pros break and run in 8-ball between 20-50% of the time. Seems mighty peculiar our friend Rollo had never seen a run.

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BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

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Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

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Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

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