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Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 2)

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In my previous post, I announced Part One of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. These are magazine covers from the past 100 years, from around the world, that feature either billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.

Billiards magazine cover: Tattoos Down Under (2003, Australia) Unlike the recently maligned Golden Globes ceremony, my awards were received positively; readers expressing gratitude, enthusiasm, and the reluctant agreement that billiards does not often receive the respect it deserves. As D.C. Walker shared on Facebook, “Anyone that thinks [billiards] is not a sport has obviously never played in a week-long tournament and made it to the $$$$. It’s mentally and physically draining.”

I thought I had maxed out with my original treasure trove of 163 covers, but just over the past two weeks, the number of eligible covers increased 15% to 187. New entrants include a cover of The Sportsman from 1928; a 2021 cover of Das Heu, a German magazine devoted to the fields of self-publishing and graphic design; and a 2003 cover of the Australian magazine Tattoos Down Under.

So, lest my opening monologue drown out the awards, let’s jump right into the second half of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards.

BEST SUNDAY MAGAZINE SUPPLEMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE BILLIARDS

Winner: The New York Times Magazine (February, 1992)

Billiards magazine cover: New York Times Magazine (1992)Sunday magazine supplements to daily newspapers have been around since The San Francisco Chronicle made history in 1869.  The content is not as timely or current, and the articles cover a wide range of topics, including (once in a 2-ball-blue moon) billiards.  On February 23, 1992, The New York Times Magazine – our award winner – featured “The Striking Viking” Ewa Mataya on its cover and a story on her “campaign to change the game’s image.” Talk about a noble cause true to my heart.

Runner-up: In April, 1975, the cover of the Arkansas Gazette featured Telly Savalas leaning over a pool table. And, before you make any cue ball jokes, remember that Kojak plays pool (from the episode “Before the Devil Knows.”)!

MOST INTERESTING BILLIARDS CURE FOR READING APATHY

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine (November, 2011)

Billiards magazine cover: Alfred Hitchcock Mystery (2011)Given people between the ages of 15 and 44 read for an average of 10 minutes or less per day, it’s hard to imagine who is the audience for the estimated 5,000 literary magazine titles currently in production.  

But, if anything can turn around the reading blues, it’s a billiards story, starting with this award-winner, the 2011 issue of Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, with its “Slip Knot” cover story by author David Edgerley Gates. While I was drawn in by the bold artwork, it was the teaser that seduced me, “The pool hall was packed, and the fix was in.” 

Runner-up: Real Detective looks like first-class trash, but I’d be lying if I said the cover of the August 1985 issue, with a barely-clad woman supine on a pool table, didn’t leave me wanting to peek inside.

BEST COVER PREDATING THE BILLIARDS RENAISSANCE

Winner: Uhu (March 1925, Germany)

Billiards magazine cover: Uhu (1925, Germany)The Hustler came out in 1961, ushering in the modern Billiards Renaissance and extricating the sport from the confines of a few to the imagination of many. Or, so the story goes. But, as pre-1961 covers demonstrate, billiards has been around for a long time, knocking on the doors of everything from our private estates to our public barrooms. 

With its playful carom billiards cover, featuring a cue-ball headed player whispering to his table-bound brethren, the March 1925 issue of Uhu is the category’s winner. Uhu was a German monthly magazine published between 1924 and 1934 that focused on culture and science.

Runner-up: Emmett Watson illustrated the January 25, 1941 cover of The Saturday Evening Post. With Japan having recently attacked Pearl Harbor, and Hitler turning his attention to the Soviet Union, the world was indeed behind the eight ball.

MOST OVERDUE AN AVN AWARD

Winner: Screw (October, 1976)

Billiards magazine cover: Screw (1974)Billiards and sex have been bed partners between the pages and on the covers of magazines at least since 1936, when a coquettish young woman focused our attention on her derriere on the cover of Stolen Sweets. 

But, to bring home the AVN, more than a flirtatious wink is required. (Sorry, Playboy.) The #NSFW winner is the October 1976 cover of Screw, Al Goldstein’s “raunchy, obnoxious, usually disgusting, and sometimes political” pornographic magazine. (To be clear, this award in no way endorses the rather dangerous game of pocket pool being played.)

Runner-up: The May 2021 cover of Quiver, which showcases “kink, goth and the darker side of sexy” as well as a terrible cue stick grip and bridge.

BEST POLITICAL USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Co-Winners: Der Spiegel (January, 2017, Germany) and India Today – Tamil (2013, India)

Billiards magazine cover: Der Spiegel (2017, Germany) Billiards magazine cover: India Today (2013, India)Years ago, I saw a 1942 World War 2 poster in which an 8-ball careens toward a trio of billiard balls imprinted with the faces of Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito. “Production will put them behind the eight ball,” rallies the poster. It’s visually arresting, an ingenious integration of billiards imagery and lingo and political content and messaging.

This category’s co-winners are similarly creative with their billiards-themed, politically-charged cover illustrations.  Four days after President Trump’s 2017 inauguration, the German news magazine Der Spiegel published its issue with an American billiards ball aimed at a rack of billiards balls emblazoned with flags from other countries. The cover story translates to, “The New World Order.”

Similarly, in a 2013 issue of India Today (Tamil), a cue ball with the initials CBI (for Central Bureau of Investigation, the premier investigating agency of India) is aimed at a rack of balls with faces. I don’t recognize the individuals, but can only assume they are a gaggle of corrupt politicians.

MOST WELCOMING FOR RETIREMENT

Winner: The Go (June-August, 2018)

Billiards magazine cover: The Go (2018)According to Connelly Billiards in Tucson, Arizona, “Billiards tables are very popular in retirement homes and assisted living facilities…When seniors engage in activities that require them to problem-solve, as billiards does, it can prevent the cognitive decline that can lead to dementia.”

While I cannot validate that assertion with actual statistics, the magazine covers of various retirement communities do hint at the prominence of pool. The easy winner in this category is the June-August 2018 cover of The Go, the magazine for Longmont, Colorado senior services. The issue profiles Dorothy, a Longmont native who plays billiards with her granddaughters. Go grandma!

Runner-up: The September 2022 issue of Kokomo, a regional magazine focused on Kokomo, Indiana, highlights the city’s lively senior citizens center, which includes a pool room with multiple tables.

MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD HURT

Winner: Comics & Science (January, 2022, Italy)

Billiards magazine cover: ComicsScience (2022, Italy)Billiards is a sport of geometry and physics (but not chemistry, making the April 2017 cover of Chemistry – A European Journal a bit perplexing). The math and science has been illustrated in numerous billiards television episodes and short films, ranging from Donald in Mathmagic Land to the “Let’s Play Long Billiards” episode of Discover Science.

Among magazines, the category winner is the January 2022 issue of Comics & Science, an Italian publication that pairs authors with researchers to express concepts and problems faced by the scientific community in the language of comics. This cover story focuses on Maryam Mirzakhani, a pioneering mathematician, who explored questions such as what trajectory does the ball make when bouncing off the table? Is it possible to find a billiard table where, given the starting point of the ball, there are inaccessible points?

Runner-up: Scientific American is the O.G. of this category. The January 1994 cover shows a cue ball breaking a rack and tracking the motions of the balls. The intractable problem: how to calculate the paths the ball will take.

MOST LIKELY TO STEAM UP THE ROOM

Winner: Maxim (April, 2011, South Korea)

Billiards magazine cover: Maxim (2011, South Korea)Billiards does not tend to make the top 10 lists for sports with the sexiest male athletes or female athletes. Perhaps true, but check out Jennifer Baretta (FHM), Shanelle Lorraine (Maxim) or Mark Selby and Judd Trump (in a commercial for Chinese fashion label K-Boxing), and you might reconsider.

Sizzling eyeballs in this category is Cha Ya Rum on the April 2011 cover of the South Korean edition of Maxim. She has been called the “Goddess of Billiards” for her celebrity-style looks. She won gold for 9-ball singles in the 2009 Asian Indoor Games.

Runner-up: Published in India, The Man is the luxury magazine for the discerning male. The January 2011 issue features Pankaj Advani, the “golden boy of billiards,” and posits the question, “Is he the last gentleman alive?”

BEST PAIRING OF MUSIC AND BILLIARDS

Winner: Monkees Monthly (April, 1969, UK)

Billiards magazine cover: Monkees Monthly (1969, UK)Billiards and music collaborate wonderfully, like Rodgers and Hammerstein, David Bowie and Queen, or Chas & Dave in their 1986 hit “Snooker Loopy.” Musicians write about billiards, they create videos about billiards, they feature billiards in their album cover art, and they certainly play billiards. 

It’s only natural that musicians would star with their cue sticks on the covers of music magazines.  Award-winning exhibit A: the April 1969 issue of Monkees Monthly, featuring lead singer Davy Jones poised and ready to take his shot (and melt fans’ hearts everywhere). 

Runner-up: Aaron Taylor may not be well-known, but under his stage name, MC Eiht, the rapper has built a huge following. When The Source put him on its February 1995 cover, they seized the literal moment and situated him at a pool table, surrounded by 8-balls. 

BEST OPPORTUNITY TO INTRO THE LITTLE TOTS TO BILLIARDS

Winner: Billiken (1930, Argentina)

Billiards magazine cover: Billiken (1930, Argentina)In late 2020, I published a blog post entitled, “The Billiards Industry Needs Its Bobby Brady.” The title was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the memorable Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.” But, the article’s larger point was that to inspire the next generation of pool players, pop culture needed to portray and embrace the pre-adult billiard-playing population. 

A smart avenue, albeit not a popular one, is showcasing billiards on the cover of children’s magazines. To my knowledge, the best-known examples – e.g., Highlights, Ranger Rick, National Geographic Kids – have eschewed billiards. Thankfully, Billiken, a Spanish language magazine first published in 1919 and still in print today, chose otherwise. This Argentinian publication’s 1930 cover, featuring a determined, diapered baby attempting to pocket a ball, is this category’s winner de oro.

Runner-up:  The Indian magazine Dimdima targets readers between the ages of 8 and 16.  Thanks to its October 2013 cover story, that demographic will be a little wiser about billiards and the Indian snooker sensation Aditya Mehta.

That concludes the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. While I was only able to honor a small number of the eligible covers, I encourage you to view the full lot and send me any you stumble across that I am missing. After all, if billiards can grace the cover of Alaska Business Monthly, I’m pretty sure it can pop up anywhere.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 1)

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As the popularity of billiards has intermittently waxed and waned over the past century, numerous billiards magazines and journals from around the world have aspired to keep an ear to the baize for its fan base. By my count, almost 100 different publications have reported on the sport. 

billiards magazineThey span a lifetime: from Billiards Magazine, the industry’s pioneer which launched in 1913, to its current incarnations, such as Billiards Digest, Pool & Billiard, SPM Media, and Snooker Scene. They have spanned the globe: from Cue’s (Japan) and d’Billiard (Indonesia) to Billiard World (Russia) and Bubbles (Croatia). And, they have tackled the sport at every angle: from the highly quantitative (Accu-Stats) to the questionably (in)appropriate (Billiards Table Talk). 

For the sports’ professionals, the magazines have provided visibility and exposure to a larger audience, albeit not that large or for that long with many of these publications.  Nonetheless, to paraphrase Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, it “is the thrill that’ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin’ Stone a billiards magazine.”

But, the story gets much more interesting when we leap beyond those 100 billiards publications (of which perhaps 10 are in print today). The global print and digital magazine industry was approximately $90B in 2020. There were 7,416 print consumer magazine titles in the US alone in 2020. I have no idea how many there were in the world.

All those different titles create a massive opportunity both for showcasing the sport’s stars to a non-billiards fanbase, and for reminding the world of the visual, emotional, and metaphoric power of the game. Seeing is believing, and the surest way to ensure the long-term survival of the sport is to keep it front and center, however, whenever, and wherever.

Excluding the aforementioned billiards publications, I have found 173 non-billiards magazines that either feature billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.  Once again, they cover 100 years, criss-crossing the globe and infiltrating news, music, culture, and every other magazine genre.  To make sense of such a motley mélange of magazines, I created the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. (Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be in the next blog post.) Call it the alt-Ellies, phenolic resin, chalk dust, and all. 

BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

Having grown up with Sports Illustrated covers plastering my bedroom walls, I still cannot forgive the US magazine for failing to feature billiards on its cover. It’s not because it’s niche; chess, bowling, and ballooning have all graced the cover.  At least SI ran a story on Jeanette Lee, entitled “The Little Blessings of the Black Widow,” in the October 7, 2021 issue.

Fortunately, the China edition of Sports Illustrated did not make the same mistake. A 2010 cover features Chinese snooker player Ding Juhui, the most successful Asian player in the sport’s history. Having recently won the 2009 Pukka Pies UK SnookerChampionship, Mr. Juhui was ranked fifth in the world at the time of this issue.

Runner-up: Sportstar, the monthly Indian sports magazine, featured national star Pankaj Advani on its cover both in September 2009 and November 2014.

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

For countries, such as the United States or France, that publish upwards of 7,000+ magazine titles per year, it’s not surprising to see billiards imagery sprinkled across a smattering of titles. But, for less obvious countries, where the number of magazine titles published is under 1,000, seeing billiards imagery is like sinking the 8-ball on the break. 

This award goes to the 2022 issue of наш спорт, a Belarus publication that translates to Our Sport. Not sure who is gracing the cover, but the magazine is dedicated to the “promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the education of a healthy harmonious personality, the priority value of which is an active, healthy and long life.”

Runner-up: The Italian magazine Grazia did its first international spinoff with a Bulgarian edition. A 2022 issue features model Elsa Matiz “playing to win” (assuming she catches that 8-ball).

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

There are lots of lists of celebrities shooting billiards. I recently wrote about Fred Astaire, a maestro of the sport, who made his own shots across four episodes of Dr. Kildare. 

This award, however, has zero to do with billiards skill; it has everything to do with that feral combination of hot Hollywood bods, suggestive, physical contortions, and all the sexual innuendo packed into stroking shafts and pocketing balls.

There was a lot out there to ogle, but it’s a tie between a leopard print lingerie-clad Neve Campbell gracing the 1999 cover of the Dutch magazine Veronica and Bradley Cooper giving us his baby blue stare on the 2015 cover of Vanity Fair. 

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

I may have discovered more than 300 billiards movies, TV episodes and short films, but I freely admit most are unlikely to receive more than an ⅛ page vertical of magazine copy. Ever. Never mind a cover.

Of course, The Color of Money was no ordinary film. It was a sequel, directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese 25 years after the Oscar-winning original, that paired two generations of megawatt stars, Paul Newman and Tom Cruise, fresh off of Top Gun.

Not surprisingly, this category’s winner, the November 1986 issue of Life, salutes that film by offering a “private visit with the new hustler and the old pro.” 

Runner-up: While it’s tempting to award the December 1986 issue of US, or the November 1986 issue of American Cinematographer, which both focused on TCOM, the award goes to a 1989 Chicago Tribune – TV Week, which shows James Earl Jones and Mario Van Peebles starring in the little-known billiards episode, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall.”

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

The audience for niche interests is wildly varied, vast, and boundless. Not surprisingly, niche magazines are ready and waiting to satiate these sub-groups’ desires for content. And, there are some really niche mags out there: Emu Today & Tomorrow (emu farming), PRO (portable restroom operators), Girls and Corpses (‘nuff said). 

While billiards has never graced the cover of Elevator World, it has extended its reach into some non-mainstream areas of interest. Flex, an American bodybuilding magazine with a peak estimated circulation of 78,000, wins this award with its March 1986 cover featuring strongman Albert Beckles.  He may be “on the ball,” but I’m afraid he’s going to crush that cue stick into wood chippings.

Runner-up: Apparently, in Greece, haircuts are associated with billiards. At least, that’s my conclusion from the 2020 cover of The B. Mag, a Greek magazine devoted to the barber industry, which gives new meaning to the pool lingo, “a close cut.”

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

Aside from his countless appearances on sports magazines, Michael Jordan appeared on the cover of everything from GQ and Ebony to Time and Cigar Aficionado. It’s a great sign when athletes can raise their profile beyond the pages of their industry’s publications.

Winning this category is the 2002 issue of FWD, a Pinoy men’s magazine, which featured Efren “Bata” Reyes and the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee sharing the cover. Their joy is evident; it’s equally shared by us billiards fans.

Runner-up: The 2015 Autumn issue of Whiskeria, a British magazine devoted to unlocking the mystery of whisky, is remarkable for featuring Michaela Tabb on its cover. Not only is she a snooker personality in the world’s leading whisky magazine, but she’s a snooker referee!

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

We’re currently exploring universities for my son. There are a myriad of factors to consider when applying: location, tuition, size, culture, Greek life, academic disciplines, etc. But, the prevalence of billiards? That’s a criterion I had not considered.

Whether to appeal to the student body or their alumni, various universities over the years have chosen to highlight billiards in their public relations. But, no university has done it better than our category winner, Black Hills State University, which put Shane Van Boening on the cover of their Fall 2022 Alumni Magazine. Though the “South Dakota Kid” did not attend the Spearfish, South Dakota based university, he’s about as close to a local legend as the school can ask for.

Runner-up: Kudos to the University of Michigan for its cover story on union renovations stripping away 97 years of pool hall history in their January 2018 issue of The Statement. 

MOST UNINSPIRING USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

Milton Friedman’s 1953 essay ‘The methodology of positive economics,’ with its famous expert pool-player analogy, is one of the most cited and influential pieces of writing in twentieth-century economics. While the essay is controversial, it’s proof-positive of the widespread metaphoric application of billiards. But, just because billiards can be applied, does not mean it should be…

Claiming the win in this category is the March 2006 of Insurance Journal, a magazine devoted to the property and casualty insurance industry. Under the headline, “Rack ‘Em Up,” the cover features an off-camera player aiming at the 14-ball in a story about the “most popular pockets for accountants’ liability claims.” Talk about a crisis in mixed metaphors.

Runner-up: I’m still scratching my head to understand why the January/February 2017 issue of The Smart Manager, India’s first management magazine, shows billiard balls, cue, and chalk in a cover story on the future of management development programs.

MOST LIKELY TO IMPRESS BOB VILLA

Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

Handcrafted America. Incredible Inventions. The Genuine Article. Furniture To Go. All of these television series have dedicated episodes to the craftsmanship and assembly of billiards tables and cues. No wonder a number of magazines in the Home Improvement sub-genre have similarly devoted cover stories to such a topic.

The category winner is the November-December 1966 issue of Workbench, a magazine about the use of tools and working with wood. The magazine’s strapline invites readers to “construct your own professional-type home pool table.” Three cheers for the Cleaver family shooting pool, but the icing for me was the billiard ball-themed masthead (albeit with two 4-balls).

Runner-up: Seven years after the Workbench issue, Popular Mechanics followed suit in January 1973 with a cover story about “how to build a deluxe pool table for $107.” Yet, somehow this DIY solicitation is much less inviting.

That concludes Part 1 of our Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. I’ll share the remaining winners in my next blog post.  Until then, if you stumble across any billiards imagery gracing the cover of a non-billiards magazine, please send it my way.  Maybe there is a pool-playing potato farmer out there, just waiting to make the cover of Spudman.

Dr. Kildare

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Many celebrities are known to have picked up a cue stick offscreen. 

A small subset (e.g, Dustin Hoffman, Peter Falk, Jackie Gleason, Buster Keaton) have earned praise, even among the billiards community, for their skills. 

But, at the top of Mount Celebrity sits the true pantheon of pool players – i.e., those who might run 100 balls straight. This exclusive group includes Mark Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and of course, Fred Astaire, who was known to practice 14:1 in his basement up to six hours a day and was friends with BCA Hall of Famers Dan DiLiberto and Ed Kelly, according to former Billiards Digest Contributing Editor George Fels.1

Mr. Astaire’s pool prowess is legendary, though largely unwitnessed by the general public. However, there is one exception. In 1965, in one of his few television roles, Mr. Astaire played Joe Quinlan, a warm-hearted pool shark, across four episodes of the medical drama television series Dr. Kildare. 

Though Dr. Kildare is quaint, maudlin and dated by today’s standards, the four episodes – “Fathers and Daughters” (November 22, 1965), “A Gift of Love” (November 23), “The Tent Dwellers” (November 29), and “Going Home” (November 30) – offer a wonderful lens for watching and appreciating Mr. Astaire, and equally important, for treating billiards with a modicum of respect. 

Dr. Kildare is an NBC medical drama series that ran from 1961 to 1966, for a total of 191 episodes over five seasons. Richard Chamberlain, a hitherto unknown actor,  played the eponymous doctor and quickly became a star and heartthrob. The episodes occur at the fictional Blair General Hospital, where Dr. Kildare tries to learn his profession, deal with patients’ problems, and win the respect of the senior Dr. Leonard Gillespie (Raymond Massey).

In the episode “Fathers and Daughters,” Sister Laurie Benjamin (Laura Devon), a medical missionary nun, returns from her field work with an advanced state of acute stem cell leukemia. She checks into Blair Hospital and is visited by her father, Joe Quinlan (Astaire), an affable, nomadic pool shark, who is in town for the Invitational Tournament of Champions: World’s Foremost Pocket Billiards Stars, with its $4,000 pot (approximately $38,000 today). Sister Benjamin lauds her father as “an artist – the greatest pocket billiard player in the whole world…on some occasions.” Describing his profession to Dr. Kildare, Quinlan jocularly explains, “My working equipment: a two piece pool cue.  The sight of it gives my sister a rash.”

Naturally, Sister Benjamin wishes to conceal the seriousness of her condition from her father; at the same time, her father wishes to downplay the severity of his shortness of breath and unusual chest palpitations, symptoms she soon learns are tied to his coronary heart disease.

In “A Gift for Love,” Quinlan fails to show up for his scheduled EKG.  Seeking to locate the absent patient, Dr. Kildare goes to the local pool room and learns that in only a week it will become the setting for an “elite” matchup, including “Ulysses ‘The Burglar’ Jackson from Newark New Jersey, Phil Carmichael from Detroit, Deacon Otis Potts of Kansas City, and the great Joe Quinlan, 16 superstars in all.”

Quinlan is located and teases us with a couple of shots, but he is ultimately brought back to the hospital, where he befriends Francis Healy (Harry Morgan, who would later become famous as Colonel Potter in M*A*S*H). Healy tells Quinlan there is another patient, Mr. Gaffney, who has taken a lot of money off of Healy in some not-so-friendly games of pool.  Healy asks for Quinlan’s help getting some of his money back. “Gaffney has two-thirds of the money in this state. He’s greedy and looking for blood. You could flub half a dozen shots and still beat this guy with a broomstick in your hand.” Sympathetic to Healy’s situation, Quinlan agrees to play, so long as he personally does have to bet any money.

In the penultimate “The Tent Dwellers” episode, we get to see Astaire, the master, at work. Quinlan plays Gaffney in a straight pool game to 50.  His shots are effortless. There is a beautiful combination that prompts Gaffney to initially say, “You make it and I will eat it like an egg, swallowing the thing whole.” (He makes it, though no cue ball is consumed.) The episode largely serves to enforce both Quinlan’s billiards skills and, more important, his altruism. 

While the medical staff chastise him for risking his health, Quinlan beseeches the doctors to give him a more honest assessment of his daughter’s health. Knowing her condition is worsening and concerned about her mounting hospital expenses, he says to no one, “Spare Laurie for those who need her most. Take a clown like me.”

Finally, in “Going Home,” Quinland disappears from the hospital once more. It’s no secret he has gone to compete in the tournament. Dr. Kildare and Healy follow. Naive to the sport, Dr. Kildare watches with awe as Healy explains the skill required to set up shots and run the table, and the economics behind the game, which often exist outside the main action. Healy surmises that Quinlan has “hocked everything but the sterling hair in his ears” to get in on action with big investors in order to ensure he has the means to pay for his daughter’s medical expenses.

SPOILER ALERT. The final match pits Quinlan against Ulysses Jackson (Harold ‘Red’Baker).2 The back-and-forth match gives both men a chance to demonstrate their skills. (Note: Mr. Astaire reportedly insisted on playing all his own pool on-camera – i.e., no cutaway hand shots – as a condition for appearing in the episodes.) Perspiring and periodically clutching at his chest, Quinlan ultimately wins the match, though he passes away shortly thereafter.  

Sister Benjamin, whose leukemia has miraculously gone into remission, is able to leave the hospital. She retrieves her father’s cue and case as a keepsake of his memories, but not before dispensing some billiards advice to a practicing player.  It’s a fitting coda; a hopeful suggestion that the spirit and power of billiards can transcend the individual and pass to the next generation. 

The four episodes from the fifth season of Dr. Kildare are available to purchase on DVD. They are also streaming online at Stremio; however, if you live in either New York or Los Angeles, you can watch them, as I did, at the Paley Center for Media.

  1. “November: Jelly Roles,” by George Fels, Billiards Digest, November 2012.
  2. According to cuemaker Rick Geschrey, Red Baker was a top pocket billiards and three-cushion player. He “could beat top pros in money games on a regular basis. He competed with the likes [of] Greenleaf, Mosconi, Cochran and Hoppe and many others…Baker was on close terms with many in Hollywood and was often called in as a billiard consultant and stand-in. Close-ups of his hands have appeared in many television and movie sequences.”

Pakners

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Two types of people are likely to love the 2003 Philippine billiards movie Pakners. 

The first group are those who deify Efren Reyes, one of the stars of the film. And by “deify,” I don’t mean the aficionados who worship his billiards genius; I mean those who truly worship him, who “see him as one of their own, a man who has pulled himself up from poverty to become world-famous.”1

The second group are those who love Philippine cinema. They appreciate the historic importance of Mr. Reyes, in his cinematic debut, and Fernando Poe Jr., the King of Philippine film, headlining a movie together. They appreciate the bonhomie of their Pinoy heroes, almost folkloric on the screen. They appreciate the familiar neighborhood characters, settings, and sounds.2

For those of us not fitting either grouping, Pakners is likely to be a painful viewing experience, except for the ending at the San Miguel Beer 9-Ball Invitational Doubles Challenge, where both Mr. Reyes and Mr. Poe showcase some spectacular pool.

But, I’ll rewind, as some additional background may be helpful here, especially if the two co-stars’ names are unfamiliar.

Let’s start with “The Magician” Efren “Bata” Reyes, widely considered to be the G.O.A.T. of billiards. The Babe Ruth of the Baize. The Pelé of Pool.  The Tiger Woods with the Táku. His story of humble upbringings and meteoric billiards feats has been told countless times. (A good starting point is the documentary Probe Profile on Efren Reyes.) So much of his likability stems not just from his mind-boggling talent, but his modesty, humility, and generosity, all magnified by his famous toothless grin and his everyday attire.

Mr. Poe is likely less well-known to non-Filipinos, but “Da King” is a national icon, having appeared in 300 films between 1955 and 2003. He often portrays a champion of the poor and downtrodden, an on-screen Robin Hood. His movies have earned him five FAMAS Awards, a record that led to his induction into the FAMAS Hall of Fame in 1988.

Pakners, therefore, represents the pairing of two kings of their crafts. (It was also the last film Mr. Poe made before his run for presidency and then death later in 2004.) For many, seeing the two icons together on the same screen was exhilarating and groundbreaking.  The movie didn’t require great plot or dialogue or direction to wow its built-in fan base.

But, for the rest of us, it did, and regrettably, Pakners comes up very short.

Manuel Diyamunga (Efren Reyes) is an innocent baker and a fish-out-of-water, who is conned out of his savings when he travels to the big city. Fortunately, he is befriended by Nanding Escalante (Fernando Poe Jr), a soft-spoken jeepney driver. The duo realize they have a shared affinity for billiards and seize upon the sport as a way both for Manuel to recover his losses and Nanding to avenge an earlier humiliation he suffered that shut down his billiards career.

Along the way, the gents do some singing and some jabbing (not sure which is more amusing: Mr. Reyes warbling a tune or throwing some rat-a-tat punches), and they find some lady loves, but mainly they play some pool. Sure, there are some bad guys on the periphery, but they’re as effective as Keystone Kops. 

Fast-forward past the terrible sound effects and lame fight sequences and Pakners culminates with the aforementioned San Miguel doubles tournament. The pair face the US opponents of Jackson and McGrady (perhaps, a reference to Keith McCready, who was Tom Cruise’s nemesis in The Color of Money). Finally, there is some beautiful billiards, including a couple of the impossible shots that we forever associate with Mr. Reyes. It’s a splendid reward, but it’s hardly worth the watch.

  1. “The Magician,” The Atlantic, March, 2005.
  2. “A Romp in the ‘Hood,” PhilStar Global, June 2003.
  3. The sponsorship by San Miguel, one of the largest conglomerates in the Philippines, is not insignificant. In 1998, Mr. Poe notably did his first product endorsement ever with San Miguel. Years later, Mr. Reyes did his first commercial for San Miguel. The corporation was also a big supporter of Pakners.

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A final note: my viewing experience was unquestionably compromised by Veed, the translating and subtitling software I used to convert the original Filipino version of Pakners I found online to something I could watch.  However, when the software spits out subtitles, such as, “…your turtle who is having a hard time here at home kiss BoiBoiBoy water for…” then it’s probably time to take up Duolingo.

Pool Tables: The Perfect Gift?

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Perhaps, my most prized physical possession is an eight-foot Olhausen Monarch pool table that I received as a gift when I turned 40. It’s an utter beauty, and it fulfilled a wish that started in college when I cut my first classes to play pool. As it happens, it also sparked my current avocation — blogging about billiards movies and television episodes.

With the holiday season upon us, now may be the time to give the gift of billiards and purchase a pool table – for the mancave, for the spouse-to-be, for the future Mosconi, for the family. The occasion does not matter; if it fits the house and the wallet, a pool table is a must-have. 

Or so I thought until I culled through the annals of pool table presents in pop culture. Unfortunately, the writers and directors behind some of the most relevant gifts in billiards-themed media have a rather different impression.

The 1950s-1960s

The bad press began in 1956, but I cannot tell you why. The economy was strong, unemployment was down to 4.5%, and all that disposable income was fostering a love affair with consumerism.

Nonetheless, in the April 1956 “Bad Companions” episode of The Goldbergs, one of television’s first family sitcoms, Uncle David brings home a new pool table as a “fabulous gift for the whole family.” But, it becomes an instant headache, since neither family nor friends can, or are allowed, to play. David recruits some “professors” from the local pool hall to teach him, unaware they are hustlers. As David’s house becomes ground zero for horse gambling and other nefarious activities, he is ultimately ensnared in a raid and decried by the judge as “the dupe of unsavory characters.” That might put your future pool table munificence in check.

One month later, the “Opportunity Knocks But” episode of The Honeymooners aired. Ralph Kramden’s boss receives a new pool table as an anniversary gift from his wife. Not knowing how to play, he invites Ralph (and ultimately Norton) to come over to teach the finer points of the game. While Ralph seizes on the invitation as an opportunity for endless sycophancy, Norton shoehorns his way into the game so he can pitch business ideas that ultimately lead to Norton getting selected over Kramden for a coveted job.   Now that is bad billiards mojo.

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet rounded out the year with the “Pool Table” episode. After Ozzie buys a pool table from the local department store, his playing plans are continually thwarted as he realizes he does not have a location for it. The pool table’s peregrination goes from the dining room to the kitchen to the garage to the outside yard and even to a neighbor’s house. Ultimately, Ozzie jerry-rigs a pulley system to haul the table up to the attic, but the table’s weight causes it to crash through the floor into the kids’ bedroom, rendering it largely useless for anyone taller than three feet.

Apparently the 1960s were consumed by other notable hobbies and activities, such as playing with GI Joes (1964) and Easy Bake Ovens (1963), watching the first Super Bowl (1966), or contorting to Twister (1966), as I could find no billiards gift-giving exemplars during the decade. 

1970s-1990s

But, by the 1970s, the billiards bestowal was back in cultural vogue, starting with the 1973 Sanford and Son episode “A House is Not a Poolroom,” which opens with Lamont getting his father Fred a pool table for his birthday. The present is so well-received that Lamont can neither get his father away from the table to attend to his family responsibilities, nor can he get any peace and privacy in the house, since his father’s gaggle of friends have now ‘moved in’ to use the table. Sadly, the magnetism of the table becomes such a problem that he must ultimately get rid of it.

Brady Bunch - The HustlerThe 1974 “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch revealed Bobby Brady’s knack with a cue after his father brings home a pool table as a thank-you gift from his boss Mr. Matthews. Bobby trounces his brothers in 9-ball, thereby winning a month of free shoe-cleaning. But the real fun comes when Mr. Matthews visits the house and is subsequently thrashed by Bobby on the table, losing 256 packs of chewing gum in a wager. Unfortunately, for the squeaky-clean Brady clan, the home is no place for such games of sin, and the table is promptly returned.

After The Brady Bunch episode aired, a 30-year drought of billiards benevolence ensued. Pool hustling was all the rage in television and film, and nary a table appears to have been gifted.

2000s – present

That deficit was corrected in the mid-aughts, starting with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston swapping barbs and bile in the 2006 movie The Break-Up, with each partner trying to outmaneuver the other in a bid to keep their luxurious condo. In one seminal scene, Vaughn’s character declares, “My whole life I always wanted my own place with my own pool table. I finally got my own place, but you would not allow me to get my own pool table. I figured I’d rectify that today.” As expected, this self-gifting causes a maelstrom of subsequent damage, with Aniston’s character violently ejecting his possessions from the room.

Finally, there is the little-watched series Gary Unmarried. At the center of the 2008 episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back,” is a pool table, which Gary gave to his ex-wife Allison as a paper anniversary gift, and now he threatens to reveal racy photographs of her if she doesn’t return it to him. Though the table leads to blackmail and burglary, there is a silver lining, as both characters divulge that the true reason they want the table is because of all the good memories associated with it.

Maybe that’s the underlying lesson from almost 70 years of billiards largesse on the silver screen. Regardless of what agonies and horrors are associated with the gift, pool tables are the loci of wonderful experiences.  Movies and television are make-believe, but pool tables as great gifts are most definitely very real.

Gotham City Grind

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In film, sometimes the venue is the star. 

Meticulously selected, elegantly framed, perfectly lit, and cinematographically fine-tuned, the specific locale can be as memorable and essential as the actors, songs, script, or action.

Consider the old Ames Billiards Academy, a second-floor loft in the Claridge Hotel on West 44th in Times Square, that was home to the epic showdown between Fast Eddie Felson and Minnesota Fats in The Hustler. Or, the iconic, vintage Chris’s Billiards in Jefferson Park, Chicago, where Vince first duels with Grady Seasons in The Color of Money. For TruTV’s series The Hustlers, Steinway Billiards in Queens, New York, featured so prominently it was almost an hour-long advertisement. I don’t remember much about Penance except the awesome appearance of Top Shot Billiards in Alberta, where the movie was filmed in entirety.

Presumably, most venues would jump at the chance for this kind of product placement. But, when those starring roles don’t come knocking, there is always the last resort to create one’s own show. Such is the playbook Gotham City Billiards Club (GCBC) adopted in May 2016 when it launched the web series Gotham City Grind, featuring their Avenue U pool hall in Brooklyn as the homebase. 

Unfortunately, there are many good reasons why this path is not well-worn (e.g., cost, production value, lack of human interest, etc).  All of these reasons are on vivid display when one suffers through any of the four webisodes in the series.

Gotham City Grind opens with the voice-over, “This is not your average pool hall.  It may look like it, but Gotham City Billiards has an untold story, and our story begins with some of our usual players.” 

While the proclamation is well-intentioned, the series never actually tells the untold story.  Fine, whatever. The far greater gaffe is presuming that the “usual players” have a story that is interesting to anyone outside the pool hall’s doors. 

The first webisode, “Never Give Up,” focuses on Thomas Rice, a 17-year-old who turned to pool to counter his ADHD and struggles in school. Rice says, “I couldn’t focus in school and as soon as pool came into my life, it changed everything… started focusing better, winning tournaments, hanging out with the right kids not the wrong kids.” He then plays some nineball and prepares for an upcoming tournament.

That’s great, admirable even, but it’s hardly engaging video-watching. Maybe that’s why the webisode then abruptly shifts focus to Brooklyn denizen and actor William DeMeo, who is in town to promote his new film Back in the Day. (He was Jason Molinaro in seasons 5-6 of The Sopranos.) But, this is also a dead-end, an irrelevant cameo, unrelated to Thomas Rice, to GCBC, or even to billiards. We’re basically watching a pool hall promote itself promoting a straight-to-cable film that no one has heard of.

The second webisode, “American Dream,” is even worse; I found myself wistfully hoping for another D-list celebrity pop-up. Instead, we meet Koka Davladse from the Republic of Georgia. He is a “regular player with an infectious laugh” who came to America to study and play pool because “Georgia is dead, no tournaments, no payouts.” He has not seen his family in five years.

Awash with pathos, we then follow Koka’s storyline as it abruptly veers into a ten-round game of nineball against an opponent named Jerry T.  Koka wins, and the narrator rewards us with the platitude, “It takes courage and determination to follow your dreams. You have to want it bad enough. Most won’t even try, but whether you fail or succeed in the process, you have to believe in yourself.”

Stunned by such banality, I could not bring myself to watch the remaining two episodes, “Love for Pool” and “Legacy.” 

If you learn the untold story to GCBC, send it my way; otherwise, don’t waste your time grinding it out with Gotham City Grind.

 

I’ve Got a Secret

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Philo Farnsworth’s secret was that he invented electronic television at the age of 14. Clyde Tombaugh’s secret was that he discovered Pluto. And, Samuel J. Seymour’s secret was that he saw John Wilkes Booth assassinate Abraham Lincoln.

Between 1952 and 1967, these three individuals, along with hundreds of others – both celebrities and ‘ordinary’ contestants – appeared on the American CBS panel game show I’ve Got a Secret to see if a quartet of celebrity panelists could guess their special, unusual, embarrassing, amazing or humorous factoid. 

To my knowledge, billiards was the focus of a hat trick of secrets over the show’s 16-year history. Those episodes featured Willie Mosconi (1962), Bill Staton (1965), and Jean Balukas (1966).

Willie Mosconi

On February 5, 1962, a little more than four months after the release of The Hustler, Willie Mosconi, the “brilliant pocket billiard champion of the world,” appeared as a celebrity contestant on I’ve Got a Secret. Palling around with host Gary Moore, who in a sign of the times is smoking a cigarette throughout the exchange, Mr. Mosconi demonstrates his “virtuosity” by doing the butterfly trick shot, pocketing six balls in one shot. He then shares with the audience his “secret”: he taught panelist Bill Cullen to do the trick shot they just witnessed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYwSxZKOhDs

The panel – actress Betsy Palmer (who many years later played Jason Voorhee’s mother in Friday the 13th), radio humorist Henry Morgan, former Miss America Bess Myerson, and game show host Bill Cullen – deduce that Mr. Mosconi did something billiards-related in the last 24 hours that could entertain millions, but otherwise fail to guess the secret. 

Once the veil is pulled, Mr. Cullen does indeed make the same shot to the awe of his colleagues. The show ends with Mr. Mosconi running 15 balls on a table (while announcing his record is 526) and then making a popular “railroad” trick shot using three cues and three balls.

Bill Staton

Toward the end of 1965, Bill Staton appeared on the show with the secret that he could sink all 15 balls in one shot.  Ms. Myerson guessed the secret pretty quickly, notwithstanding her reference to the cue as Bill’s “pole.” 

Mr. Staton then proceeds to set up the shot, which combines Mr. Mosconi’s aforementioned six ball trick shot, with carefully placed balls in the corner pockets and the cue strategically nestled between two balls in front of the butterfly sextet. 

As (new) host Steve Allen forewarns, the studio floor is not perfectly straight, so the shot may not work. And, in fact, Mr. Staton sinks only 14 of the 15 balls. Fortunately, the shot was also pre-recorded earlier in the day, so the audience and panel can watch the shot made successfully, both at regular speed and in stop-motion. 

While Mr. Staton appeared as a ‘normal’ contestant, for the billiards community, he became rather famous for his unwavering promotion of the sport, as shared by pool historian R.A. Dyer. Nicknamed “Weanie Beanie” for the hot dog chain he and his brother started, Mr. Staton was a world renowned pool player. He won the World’s Championship One Pocket tournament, the Virginia State Pool Championship five times, and numerous other tournaments. He also appeared on The Tonight Show, The Mike Douglas Show, and The David Frost Show. 

Jean Balukas

Ms. Balukas won the U.S. Open seven years in a row from 1972 through 1978, accumulating six world championship titles and eventually becoming the second woman inducted into the Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame.

But, years before earning all those accolades and victories, she appeared on I’ve Got a Secret in 1966 at the age of just six years old.  Her secret: she gave pocket billiards exhibitions and instructions over the summer. 

The panelists, unchanged since the Mosconi appearance, ruled out singing, acting, telling jokes, working with animals, and being in the circus. But, they were otherwise completely flummoxed.

After little Jean revealed her secret, she then did a brief pool exhibition, including introducing her young sister and student, Laura, who also made some shots. Host Steve Allen summed it beautifully, “That’s what I like: a six year old hustler.”

 

Unfortunately, in 1967, CBS canceled I’ve Got a Secret, along with its other panel shows, What’s My Line? and To Tell the Truth, both of which had also featured Mr. Mosconi, in 1962 and 1958 respectively.

The #FakeBilliardsMovies Global Conspiracy

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Nero faked his own death.  Tupac is alive. The earth is flat. Planet X will destroy us.

From the New World Order to the New England Patriots, we are awash in global conspiracies. It doesn’t take much “evidence” to make a small group apoplectic, obsessed that unseen puppeteers and power-brokers are rewiring the world in their special interests.

I’m not a conspirophile (though I, too, have a hard time explaining the launch of New Coke). But, I am increasingly concerned that there is a nefarious, multinational effort underway to discredit the sport of billiards by hawking its iconic imagery and idiom in #FakeBilliardsMovies. 

#NotABilliardsMovieI first wrote about this trend in 2017, when I identified 15 films that perpetuated this flimflam. (Public Pool Enemy No. 1?  The 9 Ball Diaries.) Now, five years later, this pandemic of promoting pool in non-billiards movies has reached preposterous proportions.  From Africa to Asia, from North to South America, the global film industry appears to be cashing in on this cinematic chicanery to entice wide-eyed watchers.

It must stop! No more can movie moguls double-down on such double-dealing. Join my cue sport crusade in outing this planetary panoply of #FakeBilliardsMovies!  Let the impersonator roll call begin! (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)

Aftermath

Hopes were high that I had uncovered the first billiards movie from Sri Lanka. But, Aftermath, the debut 2020 short film from director Navi Rafaelle, is about a professional group of thieves whose bank heist goes sideways.  P.S. to the Polo-wearing bank robber on the far left: don’t bring a cue stick to a gunfight. #FakeBilliardsMovies

90ML

90ML is a 2019 Telugu-language romcom from India about a man with fetal alcohol syndrome who needs to drink 90 milliliters of liquor three times a day to survive.  Like the circular reflection inside a gemstone, the poster’s assisted pool player aiming at nothing is a surefire sign of a sham. The Deccan Chronicle panned the movie, calling it a “bad drink.”  I call it a bad break for billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

The Devils: The Comeback

Originally titled El-shayatin: El-Awdah, this 2007 thriller from Egypt focuses on agent No. Zero, who must recruit his old team to stop a smuggling ring from stealing the treasures of Egypt. Apparently, this effort requires posturing around a pool table. No one notices that No. Zero is not who he says to be. I can only hope movie watchers see through this billiards ruse and realize it’s not what it appears to be either. #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

Where I Grow Old

To its credit, Marília Rocha’s 2016 Brazilian film, originally titled A Cidade onde Envelheço, racked up a number of awards and nominations.  The movie is about two young Portuguese women who try to put down roots in Brazil. They wrestle with questions of friendship, identity, and belonging; contrary to what the poster may have you believe, they do not wrestle with questions of billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Red Rope

Scholars believe billiards arrived in the Old West by the 1840s. While it’s historically accurate to show a cowboy with a cue stick in this 1937 Western, it’s technically treacherous to show him shooting at the one-ball, cueball nowhere to be found. That’s a red flag for The Red Rope. I sure hope the competing outlaws Rattler Haynes and Grant Brade fire guns better than they play pool.  #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

The Perfect Player

I can’t tell you much about the Nigerian movie The Perfect Player. The film is neither listed in the Nollywood Movie Database, nor in the IMDB profile of its star, Ray Emodi.  Search for it on YouTube, however, and there are several “seasons” of this movie, available to watch in entirety.  One thing I can tell you (after rapidly scrolling through all those full seasons): there’s no billiards! #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Continent

Director Han Han’s 2014 movie was no sleeper.  Grossing more than $100 million, the Chinese film wowed audiences in festivals across Canada, Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong and South Korea. But, for a movie that purports to be about three men going on a road trip to the Western most end of China who face “crises of love, friendship, and faith on their journey,” it’s a mystery why the poster focuses on billiards (or what happened to the other two men). #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

Carambola

I was so convinced that Ferdinando Baldi’s 1974 Italian film Carambola (and its 1975 sequel Carambola Filotto…Tutti in Buca) was a billiards movie that I purchased an enlargement of the poster for my basement. But, like countless other saps, I was snookered. Carambola has nothing to do with three-cushion carom, save for an early (albeit excellent) scene. The movie is about an ex-soldier, who happens to be a billiards champion, investigating arms trafficking across the U.S.-Mexican border.  #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

Diamonds are Brittle

This 1965 French film from Nicolas Gessner does not tread lightly on the baize. The lead character is a passionate billiards player, who decides to rob a bank to spice up his life. The movie’s original title, Un milliard dans un billard, translates to, “A billion in a pool table.” The movie’s posters – both French and Hungarian – use evocative billiards illustrations. Put all these elements together and it’s a cinematic combo that can cozen even the most discerning skeptic. Unfortunately, aside from a pool table with a secret compartment for conveniently hiding diamonds, it’s billiards bosh. #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

The New Adventures of the Elusive Avengers

Continuing the story of “The Elusive Avengers,” this 1968 Russian movie seems to have it all: a posse of young Red Partisans, including two orphan siblings; a fight with the White Guard; a secret map; agents in disguises; escape boats; intercepted airplanes; an ally with the wonderful name Bubba Castorsky; and – wait for it – a detonating pool ball. Somehow, with all those action and espionage elements, it’s the pool ball that makes it onto the movie poster.  Fal’shivyy bil’yardnyy fil’m! #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

Pasanga 2

Next to the US, the country most culpable for committing cinematic cue stick cons is India. Aside from the aforementioned 90ML, there is Raja Natwarlal, Beejam, Disco Raja, Tagaru, and Naanum Rowdy Dhaan. But, it’s Pasanga 2, a 2015 Indian Tamil-language film which focuses on the issue of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder amongst kids, that really gets in my craw. Children, my god! Aren’t there parental permissions or labor laws that prevent this kind of crookery? It’s no wonder the sport is losing its youth.  #FakeBilliardsMovies

Dead to the World

I will bring my jeremiad to a close with Freddie Hall’s 2018 UK short film, Dead to the World.  This “comedy” is about “three broken individuals trying to be better people, fight their basest instincts and hold on to their jobs.” But, there’s nothing funny about its appropriation of snooker. Maybe this poster is prophetic? A billiards bodement that forecasts the sports’ fate in film? #FakeBilliardsMovies

 

I don’t have the answers, only my global conspiracy theory, easy to ignore but hard to dispute. But, if this pool piracy doesn’t stop, then, to quote Mr. Hall, our sport may indeed become “dead to the world.”

Will you raise your cue stick in support? And, if not, will you at least join me in watching hundreds of legitimate billiards movies, TV episodes, and short films?  

American Chopper – “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike”

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Lamentably, many Amercians cannot name a professional billiards player alive today. But, among those who can, one name is likely to arise often: Jeanette Lee, aka The Black Widow.

Though Ms. Lee has lately garnered headlines for her recent announcement of stage 4 ovarian cancer (on top of the scoliosis she has fought against since age 12), her billiards accomplishments are legendary. A former No. 1 female pool player in the world; a three times runner-up at the women’s World Nine-ball Championship; the Women’s Professional Billiard Association (WPBA) Sportsperson of the Year Award in 1998; a gold medal winner for the United States at the 2001 World Games in Akita, Japan; and an inductee into the Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame in 2013.

Those achievements, coupled with her statuesque looks and distinct visual style, have led to her off-the-baize success and fame.  Ms. Lee has appeared in film (e.g., 9-Ball), television (e.g., Arli$$; Cake Boss – “Painters, Pool and Pink,”), and commercials (e.g., Ford Explorer); she has been profiled in Sports Illustrated; she has been photographed for the ESPN Body Issue; she has even authored a book:  The Black Widow’s Guide to Killer Pool: Become the Player to Beat.

So, perhaps it’s not a surprise that Ms. Lee’s cultural stardom also took her to Newburgh, New York, where she joined Paul Teutal Sr. (aka Senior) and his team at Orange County Choppers (OCC) to create a customized Black Widow motorcycle on the reality television series American Chopper.1 

Produced by Pilgrim Films & Television, American Chopper ran for six seasons, initially on the Discovery Channel and then TLC.  Ms. Lee appears in the series’ sixth season on the December 2009 episode, “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike.”

The episode begins with Ms. Lee entering OCC’s retail shop to demonstrate some trick shots, including hitting the 8-ball out of Senior’s mouth into the corner pocket, and then exchanging banter with Senior while playing him in several games of eightball. 

At the end of the games, Ms. Lee shares that ever since the OCC introduced their original Black Widow bike (from the first season of American Chopper), she’s been fielding calls from fans, who mistakenly think it was named after her. So, she wants one, customized for her, that she can take on the road.2 

The bulk of the episode is then focused on the assembly of her chopper. The goal is to leverage the standard Black Widow frame, but add some “wow” to make it truly unique. The decision-making process covers the tank selection, the fabrication of the fenders (with their three-dimensional webbing welding), and the simplification of the seat design.

After two days of assembly, Senior unveils the custom Black Widow bike at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where Ms. Lee is participating in a WPBA tournament.  Ms. Lee looks genuinely thrilled by the chopper. Her husband, George Breedlove, looks a bit more distressed.  Asked for her reaction, Ms. Lee says, “It’s beautiful, sexy, strong, but it’s feminine…it’s hot, it’s a hot bike. I’m feeling some fire.”

The “Jeanette Lee Black Widow Bike” episode of American Chopper is available to stream on Discovery+.

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1. Interestingly, this was not the first vehicle renovation reality series to include billiards. A few years earlier, the rapper Xzibit “pimped” a 1988 Chevrolet S10 with a built-in pool table on the show Pimp My Ride.

2. In fact, OCC was commissioned by LiquidWick Pool Cues, which signed Ms. Lee to a multi-year contract at the end of 2007, to build the custom bike for her. As is made apparent at the end of the episode, Ms. Lee is not a motorcyclist, even nervously asking what is the “throttle.”

Gamblin’

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When you think of the Baldwins, Daniel may not be the first of the four brothers that comes to mind. 

There’s Alec, of course.  

There’s Stephen, who starred in The Usual Suspects before he found religion and became a born-again Evangelical. 

There’s Billy, the former fashion model and MTV heartthrob, who steamed up the screen with Sharon Stone in Sliver and much more recently got all crazy weird in Too Old to Die Young. 

Lastly, there is Daniel, who having made the reality TV circuit on Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Celebrity Wife Swap, I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!, and Celebrity Big Brother, now appears in a lot of movies no one has heard of.  

Gamblin' movie posterBut in the late ‘90s, Daniel was everywhere. He’d already spent three years as Detective Beau Felton in the award-winning NBC TV series Homicide: Life on the Street. He closed out the millennium by appearing in more than 20 movies, sharing billing with popular stars such as James Woods, Ray Liotta, and Steve Buscemi.

One of those was the short billiards film Gamblin’. According to director Wayne Orkline, it wasn’t even initially intended to be a released movie. “I made it as a calling card to Hollywood…to show to studio people who might then be interested in making other films of mine,” Mr. Orkline shared with me in a  video interview a couple of years ago.

Getting Mr. Baldwin to star in Gamblin’ was a “fluke,” according to Mr. Orkline. “A friend was an acquaintance of Daniel’s. He sent him the script.  Two weeks later, my phone rings, ‘This is Daniel Baldwin. I like this script. I want to do this.’ At the time, he was making big movies [e.g, John Carpenter’s Vampires]. He said if I gave him some kind of ownership of the movie, he’d do it for free. Once he came on board, everything else came together.”

The concept for Gamblin’ – specifically, how the addiction of gambling can lead to very bad decisions – had been rattling around in Mr. Orkline’s mind for years. “I always loved sports gambling. Growing up on the East Coast, we would gamble on basketball, football games.  As I was doing it for fun, I would meet people who really had a gambling problem. I started seeing patterns. This is an addiction. Always stuck with me. I would see people do things that they wouldn’t normally do to gamble, and I thought to myself, ‘How far would a person go?’”

Without spoiling the film, the answer to that question is pretty damn far. Pike (Daniel Baldwin) is $56,000 in debt to Pappy (Carmen Angenziano). To erase the debt, Pike must beat Pappy, two out of three, in nineball. But, if he loses, he must have sex with a young woman in the room whom he knows well, but is otherwise unidentified, while Papi watches. 

The whole film occurs  in a single, dingy  billiards room, where the lighting and camera angles create a claustrophobic atmosphere.  Once the rules of the bet have been established, most of the movie’s dialogue either focuses on Pike’s futile negotiation efforts or his female compatriot’s ever-increasing pressure to win.  

Given a full day of filming was devoted to pool shots and Mr. Baldwin is comfortable with a cue stick, the primary action is watching balls get pocketed and the players’ various reactions as they inch closer to the endgame, and of course, the denouement’s sinister reveal.

The movie premiered at the LA Shorts Film Festival in 2000 to an estimated crowd of 300 people. One day later, Showtime called, saying they wanted to license the film for heavy rotation on the Sundance Channel for two years. They even picked up the music licensing costs, which were substantial, given the movie features tracks from The Rolling Stones, The Allman Brothers, and John Lee Hooker.  But after renewing it through 2005, Showtime permanently shelved it. (I was only able to watch Gamblin’ thanks to Mr. Orkline generously mailing me a copy.)

Unfortunately, Gamblin’ didn’t open as many doors as Mr. Orkline had hoped. He went up to Canada to work again with Mr. Baldwin on Fall: The Prince of Silence, but it was a bust. Though the two remain friends, they didn’t collaborate again. Today, Mr. Orkline writes and assists his girlfriend, the actress Kelly Mullis. 

Nonetheless, the experience of making Gamblin’ was a great joy for Mr. Orkline. Throughout our interview, he warmly and  vividly spoke about the film’s creation, recounting nuanced details from twenty years ago. 

Perhaps most rewarding was the subsequent call he got from veteran director John Carpenter (The Thing; Escape from New York; Halloween), one of Mr. Orkline’s cinematic influences. “Wayne, I loved it. I didn’t see the end coming. It was sick and twisted.”

I’m gambling Mr. Orkline didn’t see that call coming.