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Top 15 Billiards Album Covers

According to Google Search Console, one of the most common queries that leads people to my blog is billiards songs. Perhaps they’re a fan of the lyrics to Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May,” or fondly remember the video for George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone.” Then, I hit them with my Top 10 Billiards Songs and Video list, and it’s a whole another level of billiards music mania.

But, if the lyrics and videos take you down one pool pocket, then the design of the album covers will steer you down a very different one. With the exception of Huey Lewis & the News’ third album, Sports, featuring an innocuous barroom pool table in the bottom left corner of the cover, and consisting of four top-ten hits (e.g., “Heart and Soul,” “Heart of Rock and Roll”), most covers featuring billiards are likely to be unfamiliar. Indeed, most of these bands, which span 14 genres across 11 countries over 50 years, are likely to be unfamiliar. Nonetheless, the portrayal of billiards in pop culture – whether in film, music, art, comics, advertising, or some combination – continues to reveal the richness of the sport and its global appeal. I therefore present my Top 15 Billiards Album Covers. (If you want to really go geek, take a peek at my Billiard Album Covers Pinterest page to see the other 125 that I ruled out.)

Wilson Pickett: Pickett in the Pocket

Funk/soul/R&B singer and songwriter Wilson Pickett was a prolific music man with more than 50 songs that made the R&B charts. Pickett in the Pocket, his 1974 release for RCA, doesn’t feature any of his famous standards, such as “In the Midnight Hour” or “Funky Broadway,” though the album’s lesser-known “Take Your Pleasure Where You Find It” is considered a mammoth funk hit. But, the album cover reeks of cool, from the alliterative, pool-themed album name, to the photo of Pickett, wearing a satin red tailored, single-breasted jacket, while he patiently waits his turn at the table, with two fine ladies adorning each side of him. Perhaps, he’s so relaxed because he has a two ball lead with solids? Or, as the back cover suggests, maybe it’s because he’ll be giving one-on-one lessons to one of the women after the game.

Benny Holst / Jytte Pilloni / Katrine Jensenius / Delta Blues Band: Så Længe Mit Hjerte Slår (En Nat Med John Mogensen)

Yeah, that’s a mouthful. This 1985 rock-and-blues release from Denmark features studio recordings from the cabaret “Så længe mit hjerte slår.” For the life of me, I can’t figure out the band or album’s connection to billiards, or why the blonde feels compelled to sit on the table. Nonetheless, this cover makes the cut because of its focus on Keglebillard med huller (or Skittle Pool). In this billiards variant, players score points by knocking over the pins or by sinking balls in pockets according to local rules. And if pin billiards is now your jam, check out the Italian billiards film Io, Chiara e lo Scuro (The Pool Hustlers) that includes the nine-pin game goriziana at its center.

Novo Fasili: Tvoje I Moje Godine

For 30 years, the Croatian pop group Novo Fasili has been getting fans to shake their hips with their music style that combines ballad, Schlager, and Europop. By the 1980s, they were the most popular band to emerge from the former Yugoslavia. Like the previous album cover, the Tvoje I Moje Godine LP features band members sitting on the billiards table, but I can overlook such stupidity given the clever use of the billiards balls to spell the band’s initials “NF,” a lexical feat not captured on any other album cover I reviewed. Now the only question is how did the table wind up with 23 billiards balls?

Bennewitz Quartet: Haydn, Mozart, Dittersdorf & Vanhal: An Evening in Vienna 1784

While it’s hardly visually interesting, the album cover for the Bennewitz Quartet’s tribute to the “Viennese Classical” circle of composers remains noteworthy for several reasons. First, it’s the only classical music LP cover I discovered that features billiards. Second, it’s one of the few album covers that focuses on carom billiards (with its pocketless table); another that didn’t make the list is the cover to the 1989 album Hotel Štístko Blues from the Czech blues band ASPM. Finally, it’s a tip of the cue stick to Mozart, who unlike the other three composers, was a noted billiards aficionado who played the sport regularly and even owned a billiards table in his apartment in Vienna.

11. Feed Me: High Street Creeps

In the world of Electronic Dance Music (EDM), visual branding is very powerful. Think of Deadmau5’s mouse head or Marshmello’s giant white marshmallow helmet. Feed Me (aka Jonathan Gooch) is no exception. The former graphic designer created his trademark green monster as his visual embodiment. Now, what’s a bit harder to explain is why this green monster is playing a game of snooker with Gooch on the cover of his 2019 release High Street Creeps. Gooch has said in interviews that he grew up in England surrounded by pub culture, where snooker is commonplace, but I’m pretty sure the rule of one foot on the ground still applies. Sorry, Green Monster.

Dolla Bill: “Old Schoolin’” |. Nightblaze: “State of Grace”

Billiards and sex have been bed partners for a long time. (See my blog post, “Rated B for Billiards: Top 10 Billiards Bedroom Scenes.”) So, it’s hardly surprising that sex, or at least hot women, would feature prominently on some covers. Tying for 10th place are two EP covers that have little in common other than the lovelies at the tables. In 2018, the North Carolina rapper Dolla Bill released his single “Old Schoolin’” with its fat bass pulse, flashes of electric piano…and a corseted woman lying prone on a billiard table while her stiletto heel naughtily lifts up the back of her dress. Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, and the Italian melodic rock band Nightblaze released “State of Grace,” the first single from their upcoming new album. Supposedly it’s a reimagining of their signature sound, but I’m still a bit bedazzled by the buxom beauty in the barroom who probably holds a pool cue as well as she holds that smoking semi-automatic.

The Intellectuals: Half-A-Live

The Intellectuals are a garage punk/rock band from Denmark who adopted a vintage pulp aesthetic for their 1986 album Half-A-Live. The LP cover leans into retro cartoon imagery popular with the punk genre (e.g., The Cramps, Crypt Records). In this case, the cover features a sailor and a roughneck playing carom billiards, while a bartender looks on. Absurdity abounds, from the juxtaposition of the band’s name with the cartoon characters, to the surreal, distorted table that sends the balls flying. That table would probably fit well in this collection of Top 7 Billiards Tables Not For Sale.

Victor Fantastic Orchestra: Off Vocal Selection Shinji Tanimura / Takao Horiuchi Works

If you’re a fan of J-Pop, you may sway to the Victor Fantastic Orchestra, a Japanese instrumental ensemble that plays orchestral renditions of classic J-Pop songs. But, you don’t have to love the genre to groove to the great cover of their 1986 album, Off Vocal Selection. Incorporating bold shapes and lines and a palette that riffs on the color of traditional pool table cloth, the album cover is positively retro-futuristic. This is what it means for pool to be hipster cool. It’s what Tubbs and Crockett would look like playing billiards in an episode of the spinoff Tokyo Vice.

Brainstory: Sounds Good. |. Rez Doggz: Underdoggz

Animals playing pool is nothing new. Think of the Mr. Ed episode, “Ed the Pool Player.” Or, my blog post, “Welcome to the Billiards Zoo.” But, canine-headed humanoids? That’s a first. Except when it comes to album covers, where cynocephali are apparently not so unique. Brainstory, the psychedelic soul trio from Los Angeles, released Sounds Good in 2024. Even with the red cloth pool table, the album cover’s bar room is unmemorable, except, lo and behold, there are three pool playing patrons with dog heads. That idea may be as crazy as a rabid Rottweiler, yet six years earlier, Rez Doggz, a group of Mi’kmaq Hip-Hop artists from the First Nation reserve of Gesgapegiag, released their album Underdoggz, which similarly featured a pack of weredogs shooting stick and having a grand old time at the local watering hole.

Nationaleatern: Rockormen

Recorded during a series of live performances in 1978 from the Swedish progressive rock band Nationleatern, Rockormen, which translates to “The Rock Snake,” features on the cover a billiards table with some surreal serpentine spectators and an arrangement of billiards balls with faces on them. It feels ghastly and uncomfortable. The faces may be based on real political targets, much as the band’s music often had political themes. (A similar use of representing political figures as billiards balls first appeared in a 1942 war poster, and then again on the 2013 magazine cover of India Today – Tamil. See the award Best Political Use of Imagery on a Magazine Cover.)

Zekk: “Platinum Gacha”

The future is 9-ball, at least for the twenty-something South Korean EDM DJ, Zekk, who made it the focus of the cover to his 2019 single, “Platinum Gacha.” The anime illustration, foregrounding a spectacularly-fonted 9-ball, suggests a dystopia, where guards with robotic, stormtrooper-like heads act as billiards match overseers and hover dangerously close to the players. It’s not quite the futuristic billiards world Lex Marinos visualized in Hard Knuckle, though the player looks like she’d be comfortable in Bai Xinyu’s 2019 ultramodern billiards drama Metal Billiards.

Jamie J. Marquez: Moon Striker | Eloy: Performance

Space is the place, at least according to Spanish guitarist Jamie J. Marquez and German prog rockers Eloy. On the cover of his 2014 solo album Moon Striker, Marquez takes us on an extraterrestrial journey, where a three-eyed alien, with nice form and a solid bridge, takes aim at the Earth (ball) in an interstellar game of carom billiards. Back in the Milky Way (maybe?), Eloy’s 1983 album Performance shows on the cover a human in a spacesuit playing billiards with glow-in-the-dark cue sticks and balls stamped with mathematical symbols. There hasn’t been this much planetary pool since Paul McCartney and the Wings went astro-minimal on the cover of their 1975 album, Venus and Mars.

Butaotome: Billiards

Across the top of the cover, in bold katakana, is written a title that translates to “Billiards.” Of course, Butaotome’s 2017 album was going to secure a top spot on this list. The band, a product of the country’s independently produced doujin music scene, embraces the visuality of billiards, even if there’s no direct linkage to the music or musicians. Floating billiard balls surround a woman in a red kimono descending from an escalator. The bright colors evoke Japanese ‘60s pop art, though there is also an anime influence. The modern setting, perhaps a shopping mall, also feels surreal, as the linearity of the mechanical escalator intersects with the randomness of the weightless balls.

Richard Elliot: Ricochet

Smooth jazz makes my skin crawl, but I’m happy to give saxophonist Richard Elliot a second listen, simply because of the cover for his 2003 album Ricochet. The illustration shows a vibrant group of people gathered around pool tables to play or watch. The picture is crawling with motion and energy. While Hollis King is credited as the art director for the album, the actual illustrator is unidentified. But, looking at the stylized figures, with their elongated limbs, I’d bet my Olhausen that the artist was heavily influenced by Ernie Barnes, the iconic artist who is most famous for his painting “Sugar Shack,” which was the backdrop for the credits of the sitcom Good Times. Barnes was enamored with billiards; in fact, he did a whole series of paintings that occurred in pool halls, such as Main Street Pool Hall and Pool Player. I’m sure he would have loved Ricochet, too.

Black Label Society: Shot to Hell

Zakk Wylde, the long-time guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne, formed his band Black Label Society in 1998. On the cover of their seventh studio album, Shot to Hell (2006), they dabbled with paged imagery, as many heavy metal bands tend to do, but this time with light-hearted humor. The cover features a trio of nuns playing billiards. The first is focused intently on her shot, aiming the cueball at an eightball emblazoned with a skull on it; the other two are wistfully praying, perhaps to the Good Lord of the Baize. It’s sacrilege, of course, but with the nun’s upturned grin and the vibrant halo of colors surrounding the monastic trinity, I’m inclined to think this shot is going in. By the way, if sisters shooting stick is your salvation, then watch the “Armando and the Pool Table” episode of The Flying Nun, or purchase The Original 2021 Nuns Having Fun wall calendar.

******

So, there’s my list. I’m sure I made some enemies with my omissions. I had to say no to some intimidating folks (e.g., Shandy, “Bish Bosh Bash”)…and to some not-so-intimidating folks (e.g., Elizabeth Barraclough, Hi). That’s the nature of the job. What would you have included on your list? Most important, the next time you’re shopping for albums – wait, does anyone shop for albums? – keep your eyes open for similar great Billiards Album Covers.

Ronnie O’Sullivan: Seventh Heaven

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I have uncovered a blogging blind spot.

While I’ve posted about billiards players, from Jeanette Lee to Alex HIggins, from Willie Hoppe to Willie Misconi, from Cisero Murphy to Wilson Jones, I’ve noticed a glaring omission.

Not only is this player the focus of two separate documentaries and (loosely) one parody movie, but he also has traveled across the ocean for a documentary mini-series on pool hustlers, headlined his own TV show, co-authored three crime novels, and been involved in multiple video games.

Yet, in 13 years of blogging, I’ve never written about him until now.

To “The Rocket” Ronnie O’Sullivan, I say I’m sorry. You will be the focus of a lot more blog entries coming soon.

But, now that I’ve appropriately apologized, I’m tasked with reviewing Ronnie O’Sullivan: Seventh Heaven, the first major documentary to profile the seven-time World Snooker Champion, and it’s not too pretty.

Produced by Eurosport and aired in 2022, Seventh Heaven is a one-on-one interview between O’Sullivan and Alan McManus, a retired professional snooker player, who is now a Eurosport pundit. Chronicling O’Sullivan’s life, primarily from his first World Championship win in 2001 against John Higgins to his seventh win in 2022 against Judd Trump, Seventh Heaven blurs the line between documentary and hagiography. Enraptured with O’Sullivan’s career and accomplishments, McManus gushes and glows with admiration and adulation for the Rocket. His feats and records are magnificent; his faults and shortcomings are minimized, if not ignored. Indeed, this is the story of St. Ronnie ascending the pearly gates.

To be clear, O’Sullivan’s accomplishments are beyond incredible. His skills on the table, which are wonderfully clipped throughout the film as each World Championship win is packaged to perfection, are jaw-dropping. His 147 maximum break at the 1997 World Championship is a Guinness record in competitive play. He has achieved more than 1300 century breaks in his career. He has also won a record eight Masters titles and a record eight UK Championship titles for a total of 23 Triple Crown titles, the most achieved by any player.

For those who follow the sport, O’Sullivan’s superhuman skill is not news. And, indeed there is joy in watching Seventh Heaven as a highlight reel. But, how much more interesting would this documentary have been if it had adequately dressed O’Sullivan’s darker side, such as his drug and alcohol abuse, his experienced depression, or his controversial comments that have led to him getting disciplined multiple times?

Thankfully, there are a handful of times when McManus presses pause on the canonizing, such as when O’Sullivan discusses the loss of his father, his “backbone,” when a “part of [him] disappeared…and [he] lost his mojo.” Or, O’Sullivan briefly speaks about his panic attacks in 2000 that led to his first “snooker depression” against John Higgins. McManus even tsk-tsks O’Sullivan for disrespecting Alan Robidoux at the 1996 World Championship when he started to play him left-handed.

But, these moments are fleeting. Too much of Seventh Heaven is a paean to the Saint of Snooker. It’s a greatest hits of World Championship footage that is otherwise overcrowded by surface-level homilies and genuine reflections that don’t exactly rock the baize.

If you’re a snooker fanatic, Seventh Heaven is probably canonical viewing; for the rest of us, let’s hope Ronnie O’Sullivan: The Edge of Everything, the documentary from Studio 99 that aired one year later, proves to be a more compelling watch.

Night To Be Gone

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Tell me if this sounds familiar:

A guy walks into a pool hall, plays some games for money, and promptly loses. With a little luck, he wins on an “impossible” shot and then doubles his earnings by again making the same impossible shot. Feeling cocksure, he seeks out the best known player in town for a much bigger pot. He goes on a roll, winning multiple games, but then gets psychologically battered and ultimately loses everything. Determined to regain his stature, he tries to make some quick buck hustling. It goes well for a while, until he hustles the wrong person and gets his arms fractured. A woman rehabilitates him, loves him, and helps him regain his confidence. He returns to finally beat the best known player, but his victory comes with a very painful price.

Of course, I’m summarizing The Hustler. Except I’m not. (Perhaps, the fractured arms rather than broken thumbs was the giveaway). I’m actually describing Night To Be Gone, an English-language billiards movie from Loren David Marsh that first released in Germany in January 2024, and is now available to watch on Amazon Prime.

Night To Be Gone is the story of Omer (Alpha Omer Cissé), a young West African refugee with a difficult family history, and Carine (Sylvaine Faligant), a recovering heroin addict from Marseille. They are itinerant grifters who both bring a lot of metaphoric baggage to the baize. Pool hustling is a path to fast cash. They arrive in Berlin so they can ultimately challenge The Sultan, a notorious and mysterious pool hustler to an all-night showdown of 10-ball with a minimum pot of 10,000 Euros. Each game is 1,000 Euros, and the match is not over until the money runs out or both players decide to quit. Not surprisingly, they get hustled by The Sultan, who preys on their egos and erodes their cool veneer with racist and suggestive taunts. They lose all their money, forcing them to re-evaluate their get-rich-quick plans and ultimately their relationship with one another.

Let me start with the favorable, as there are a handful of elements in Night To be Gone that are impressive – and distinct from The Hustler. The boldest and most interesting decision is that Omer is a dark-skinned, outsider from West Africa. He is an alien, a cypher to everyone he meets. But, this allows Omer to engage in some very intentional social engineering. Pool hustling is already a form of psychological manipulation. Omer compounds it by assuming racial identities that further this psychological influence. (This is both ironic and interesting, given the Sultan’s “African Prince” jeers contributed to Omer’s initial unraveling.) Among the conservative Bavarian businessmen, Omer is a welfare recipient. Playing against the liberals, he is a poor African whose village burned down. He is a drug dealer in one game, a bebopping hipster in another. Ever the racial chameleon, Omer engages people in underestimating him, which becomes their weakness, at least until it backfires on Omer when two Bauerntrampel don’t appreciate being hustled.

Night To Be Gone is also a beautifully shot film. With its atmospheric black-and-white photography by Vlad Margulis and Florian Wurzer, and its eerie electronic scoring by Paul Brody, the film evokes a noirish 1940s aesthetic. Further contributing to this style is the movie’s pacing, selection of settings, and unsettling camera techniques. It works especially well for the filming of the billiards shots. Nothing feels rushed or manic; the shots are not contrived. It’s a game played for an audience of no one.

Unfortunately, these positives get overshadowed by billiards movie déjà vu, that gnawing sense we’ve seen this exact movie before. Night To Be Gone doesn’t feel like a tribute to The Hustler, certainly not the way the recently-reviewed Mr Doom felt like an ode to The Color of Money. Rather, Night To be Gone feels like it’s trying to be The Hustler. As such, there is no suspense, no uncertainty, no question what will happen or how it will end.

Arguably, Night To Be Gone is better classified as a remake of The Hustler. The British director Mark Murphy says, “a successful remake requires a delicate balance. It must simultaneously respect the original, bring something new to the table and feature effective casting. When these elements coalesce, the end product is a film that pays tribute to its predecessor while confidently standing on its own.”

In this case, the “something new” is race – not just the casting of Omer, but the use of race as it pertains to hustling. Such terrain has been covered in other con artist/hustling movies – e.g., White Men Can’t Jump; Six Degrees of Separation; The Distinguished Gentleman – but never in billiards.

This feels like an accurate take on Night To Be Gone, except the director Marsh disputed it, claiming The Hustler is “an inspiration,” nothing more. If it’s not a remake, why does it feel like one? If it is a remake, why not lean into it?

Ultimately, it probably doesn’t matter. This cinematic conjecture is the milieu of film critics who can work themselves into a tizzy parsing meaning and pontificating to an audience of no one, when the real question is whether the film is entertaining. And, on that topic, Night To Be Gone holds its own.

Mr Doom: Behind the 8 Ball

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Every pool hustling movie lives in the shadow of The Hustler and its sequel The Color of Money, the modern apotheosis of the genre, which is ironic given the film was released almost 40 years ago. Most of these films are cinematic wannabes, kowtowing to TCOM without much originality or innovation.

Certainly, that was the reaction within the billiardsphere earlier this month when it was announced that Robert DeNiro and Jenna Ortega would star in Shutout, a forthcoming movie about a seasoned hustler guiding a talented young player in the world of high-stakes pool. To quote Billiards_Watch from the AZ Billiards Forum, “That’s the most played out script and looks to be another Hollywood recycle…This is The Color of Money remade except it’s rebranded with another title.”

So, director Leif Johnson is walking the plank a bit with his new billiards movie, Mr Doom: Behind the 8 Ball. Released on Amazon this past March, Mr Doom doesn’t try to hide its lineage; on the contrary, the film embraces it, starting with the title, which is an overt reference to the name of Vince’s Balabushka cue in TCOM. The film’s marketing is even more explicit, referring to Mr Doom as “reimagining The Color of Money in a small-town setting.”

While the idolatry is on full display, Mr Doom ultimately carves out original ground and a touching story about the unlikely friendship between the film’s two main characters, Charlie and Jack, that both harkens to the relationship between Fast Eddie and Vince and still feels distinctly different.

Charlie (Danny Parsons) is the Fast Eddie of this pairing. Emitting a smoothness somewhere between Jason Statham and Idris Elba, Charlie is a seasoned hustler, who sees an opportunity to score big if he can tame Jack (Danny Sutcliffe), a self-destructive sot who is surprisingly adept with a cue stick. Jack is the movie’s Vince, except he looks like a Northern English Wavy Gravy; a hippie version of “Bobby Elvis” Munson from Sons of Anarchy; a drunken mix of Captain Lou Albano and The Dude from The Big Lebowski. Except the megawatt smile and the arm candy named Carmen have been replaced with a rats nest of a food-caked beard and a front-seat handjob from a hooker.

Initially, Charlie and Jack seem like they’re from different worlds. Disgusted by Jack’s boorishness and vulgarity, Charlie hustles him, taking advantage of Jack’s inebriation while pretending to also drink. (There is also a drunken spinoff of Vince’s “Werewolves of London” chest-thumping scene from TCOM.) Having humiliated Jack, Charlie then attempts to harness him, putting him in his debt while teaching him how to hustle pool. Echoes of TCOM abound.

But, the movie turns an emotional corner as we realize beneath Charlie’s cool exterior is his own wreckage of ruined relationships; similarly, behind Jack’s ogrish veneer are pockets of warmth and loyalty to something other than a vodka bottle. As their two backstories collide into one another, a fragile tie starts to unite them and ultimately cements itself in a final 9-ball match against a former partner of Charlie’s.

Interspersed throughout Mr Doom is a hefty dose of blackball (English 8-ball) and 9-ball, which is interesting, given the tendency of most British billiards films to focus exclusively on snooker. (Perhaps, a bit more puzzling is the decision to film with a spotted cue ball.) While the games aren’t novel, the filming of the games is fast-paced and dynamic, a style intended to emulate that of Edgar Wright, according to Mr. Johnson.

I’d be challenged to call Mr Doom groundbreaking or even a great movie. But, for those that enjoy entertaining characters, a well-crafted story, and a fresh take on a familiar film, then Mr Doom is worth the watch.

ChuckleVision – “Big Break”

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I’ll give the viscount credit. He’s got a lot of patience.

Consider: mud is tracked all over his Persian rug; his early Bronze Age sculpture gets broken; his Carrara marble cherub statue is stolen then damaged; the foundation of his mansion partially collapses; his Rembrandt painting is used as a serving tray; and he is deluded into thinking his pet fish was fried and served for lunch.

But, all of that pales into comparison to the real horror committed by Barry and Paul Chuckle, the two brothers who have been contracted to install the viscount’s new snooker table .

That’s the premise of the “Big Break” episode of ChuckleVision, a British children’s comedy series that ran for 292 episodes from 1987 to 2009. It starred real-life brothers, Barry and Paul Elliott, as the Chuckle brothers, a pair of endearing half-wits who often get into laughable trouble due to Paul’s oversized confidence and Barry’s attempts to clean up his mess. “Big Break,” presumably named after the popular Big Break snooker game show, aired in 2007.(1) The full episode is available to watch here.

For children watching this episode, there are some obvious lessons. Don’t serve food on a Rembrandt. Don’t serve food from Barney’s Chippy to “a bunch of posh people.” But, the snooker care lessons may be a little more obfuscated, so let’s dig in.

For starters, you really don’t need to worry about two dunderheads absconding with your snooker table. It’s just too heavy. Given the viscount’s social standing, he presumably ordered the installation of a full-size 12’x6’ snooker table. Even if the Chuckle brothers mistakenly built it on the patio rather than in the basement, they could never undo the mistake by moving it by themselves, as it weighs approximately 2,755 pounds.

Now, admittedly, the table does look rather small, so perhaps the viscount cheaped out and bought a six- or seven-foot table. Even at that size, the table would weigh 375-450 pounds, much too much for Paul and his pipsqueak brother to carry.

Even if one could move a fully assembled snooker table, never try to move it down stairs without taking it apart. Barry surfaces unharmed when the table he’s carrying down the stairs falls. But, in practice, even a small table would have a gravitational acceleration of 9.8 m/s² (assuming a 10-foot vertical drop), which would release 6000 joules of energy – the equivalent of a severe car accident or a significant blunt trauma event.

But, somehow the Chuckle brothers do get the fully installed table into the basement, only to put it in a room with insufficient space around the table to properly set up shots. At a minimum, this table requires a 15’x12’ sized room; instead the table is stuck in a tight storage room. It’s no wonder Paul damages the walls attempting to pot a ball.

The large hole in the wall introduces a new problem, which is compounded by the mansion’s collapsing foundation. The table is now exposed to outside temperatures. But, indoor tables, made of hardwoods, felt, and other delicate materials that are prone to damage, require a controlled indoor environment with a constant temperature and low humidity levels. No one is playing world professional snooker on this table. It doesn’t require a 21 degree Celsius playing surface, but surely greater temperature control is necessary.

Finally, wherever you install your table, don’t put it directly under a fish tank. Water can cause stains, warping and, worse, mildew. Even our lamebrain contractors know that, as it’s only when the tank’s water starts pouring out of the ceiling onto the table does Barry suggest to the viscount an alternative to playing snooker: “How about some pool?”

*****

“Big Break” was not the first ChuckleVision episode to reference snooker. As early as the season one (1987) “Sport” episode, the brothers were reporting on the sport.

Extraction, USA

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Here’s the good news: aside from the similar title, there’s no confusing the low-budget, quasi-billiards movie Extraction, USA with the $65 million Chris Hemsworth one-man-army action movie Extraction. In fact, the sum of the “action” in Extraction USA is a man getting beaned in the head with a billiard ball.

Here’s the bad news: if you thought Extraction was a painful watch (and I’m not referring to all the literal pain Hemsworth afflicts on the Bangladeshi hooligans and drug lords), then you’re in for a difficult 90 minutes with Extraction, USA.

Directed by Mike Yonts and released on Tubi last November, Extraction, USA tells the story of Marni (Leanne Johnson), a single mother, and Steph (Marlee Carpenter), a mysterious drifter, who initially connect by hustling pool and then form a romantic relationship that is tested through the discovery of an underground drug ring. Underpinning all their sharking and derring-do is an urgent need to escape Extraction, the metonymic town named for the industry that supports it, and start a new life far, far away.

The industry, whether it’s fracking or something comparable, contaminates the air and water, creating an urban stink and making the city borderline unlivable and mostly impoverished. The typical lament is that there are a “few extraction millionaires and the rest of us fighting over the scraps.” Against this polluted backdrop, it’s no wonder that Leanne hustles pool for a few extra dollars so she can keep her son in school and avoid having him become a “muck kid.”

Then, along comes Steph, a platinum-haired gypsy, whose sojourn somehow has led her to the Time Out Lounge in middle-of-nowhere Extraction, and it’s love at first break. The chemistry dials up to 11 quickly, and pretty soon our sapphic duo are living together, telling lies to Marni’s uber-gullible son, sneaking into deep-pocket pool games, and eventually planning a heist to steal some drugs that “are like rocket fuel for the mucks” to get them to work harder.

Plotwise, it’s preposterous, but nothing is as absurd as the pool-training and pool-playing sprinkled throughout the first half of the film. After learning that Leanne is the best player in town, Steph trounces her and then becomes her Fast Eddie coach, showing her how to make… wait for it… straight-on shots. It’s Pool For Dummies, with high fives abounding after the simplest of shots. In case the nod to The Color of Money was missed, Leanne quotes Paul Newman’s character on two different occasions: “money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”

The games involving hustling are nominally more interesting, solely because of “quake rules” (i.e., if there is a tremor caused by a local extraction and the balls move, they’re played wherever they land). But, those games are filmed unimaginatively, with a sole jump shot breaking the monotony. (I don’t know how much Tammy “Lefty61935” Anderson, the credited “billiards trainer” earned for this film, but she was overpaid.)

It’s not that Extraction, USA lacks heart or grit. The makers of the film said it was “one of the toughest tasks any of us ever attempted. Like most indie film crews, we put in some long days and endured all sorts of uncertainty about locations, vehicles, and funding.”

But, shoestring budgets can yield great films. Look at Rocky or Mad Max or Halloween.(1) So, that’s a challenge to conquer, but not the underlying issue.

Rather, it’s the film’s desire to be a little of everything that ultimately turns it into a mishmash of nothing. Per the makers, “On one level the film is about crime and action, but if you look a little deeper, it says some interesting things about income inequality, the environment, and men and women in the workplace.”

Therein lies the problem. Extraction, USA triples-down on its multitude of identities. Go to the movie’s website, and the three themes (or “flavors”) – heist, romance, dramedy – are highlighted, each with its own movie poster.

In the zeal to genre-bend and create a movie that is intended to appeal to multiple types of viewers, Extraction USA fumbles through its competing storylines, short changing any real dramatic tension or character evolution. And by making billiards seminal to the story’s arc, without investing in making the billiards remotely realistic or interesting, the movie completely fizzles, leaving just the stench of extraction in the air.
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Rocky (1976) was made for $1 million and brought in $225 million worldwide. The franchise has grossed $1.9 billion. Mad Max (1979) cost $300,000 and hauled in $100 million. Halloween (1978) was created for $300,000 and raked in over $70 million worldwide. (source: Collider.com)

Whole Lotta Hustle

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In 1961, when 20th Century Fox released The Hustler, Robert Rossen not only made history by directing the gold standard of billiards movies, but also forever popularized the hustler avocation and its association with pool. Though the term “hustler” had been used by road players throughout the twentieth century, and was also the title of Walter Tevis’ first novel, from which The Hustler was adapted two years later, it was Rossen’s movie that permanently injected the hustler into billiards pop culture.

Over the last 63 years, the “hustler” appellation has appeared in more than two dozen billiards movie and television episode titles, ranging from short films (e.g, The Hustle) to international films (e.g., Io, Chiara e lo Scuro, aka The Pool Hustlers); from sketch comedies (e.g., “The Hustler of Money”) to documentaries (e.g., Raising the Hustler); from games shows (e.g., Minnesota Fats Hustles the Pros) to reality shows (e.g., The Hustlers).

The films and shows below are all members of that titular tribe of “hustlers,” tipping their cultural hat to Rossen’s original masterpiece. They all have a whole lotta hustle, even if, unfortunately, most don’t have that much else about which to boast.

MADtv – “The Hustler” (1999)

Never able to fully compete with Saturday Night Live, the sketch comedy show MADtv nonetheless developed a cult following for its lowbrow humor and hot takes on celebrity culture. During the show’s fourth season, comic big man Will Sasso donned the pinstripes and assumed the Minnesota Fats role in the four-minute “The Hustler” sketch.

Essentially, a fat man walks into a pool hall and attempts to convince a local patron that he’s no hustler, just “passing the hours playing the game I love.” He offers to play a game for $5, and he loses. For $20, he loses again. The gag is that he keeps upping the amount and losing, eventually paying out one million dollars. But, when it’s time to complete the hustle and rein in his patsy, his opponent leaves with all the cash. It’s a cute concept, but the predictable joke falls flat quickly. For a far funnier take on The Hustler, watch The New Show with its identically named sketch, “The Hustler.”

Malcom & Eddie – “Do the K.C. Hustle” (1996)

During the 1990s renaissance of black sitcoms, Malcolm & Eddie may not have made anyone’s top five list. Nonetheless, there was far worse watching than this UPN series which paired the responsible and cocksure Malcolm (Malcolm Jamal-Warner, following up his wild success on The Cosby Show) with the fast-talking and frenetic Eddie (Eddie Griffin), who together open a sports bar called McGee’s.

The “Do the K.C. Hustle” episode focuses on a billiards rematch between Malcolm and his old college friend Preston Alexander, now a self-assured millionaire. Preston pokes Malcolm’s ego, getting him to wager $5,000 on a game; only after the deal is sealed does Preston perform some incredible pool shots and Maclom realizes he’s been hustled.

The episode veers in some strange directions involving lingerie and an oversized masseuse, but it’s the wonderful cameo of Richard Pryor as Coach Uncle Bucky that saves the day. Appearing on a power-operated mobility scooter due to his multiple sclerosis, Pryor’s voice is shaky, but his comedic delivery remains spot-on. Though Pryor doesn’t pick up the cue, he doles out good enough advice that Malcolm has the confidence to (1) play without wearing women’s underwear (!!); and (2) make a beautiful multi-ball, multi-rail trick shot to end the game and win the $5,000.

Special kudos to Chef Anton, the episode’s billiards technical advisor, who became the first two-time United States Trick Shot Champion of Pool.

Out of the Blue – “The Hustler” (1979)

With only eight total episodes airing, Out of the Blue is a sitcom trainwreck. The deeply unfunny series starred Jimmy Brogan as Random, an angel-in-training who is assigned to live with (and act as guardian angel for) a suburban Chicago family. (How anyone thought this premise could be humorous is mystifying, but then again, Touched by an Angel ran for almost a decade.)

In “The Hustler,” the Richards family needs to come up with an extra $20 to buy their aunt a sweater. Older son Chris thinks he can make it playing pool, but is quickly hustled. Random cringingly explains, “He let you win a few times. That’s how a hustler sets you up. You’re known as a pigeon. You flew right into his coop.” Lesson learned, Random then gives the hustler a taste of his own medicine, performing the famous six ball butterfly trick shot and quipping, “You’ve heard of Minnesota Fats? They call me Pearly Gates Slim.” (For a more original and funnier permutation of billiards legend Minnesota Fats’ name, watch the Aurora Skittle Pool commercial (1970), featuring comedian Don Adams as “Wisconsin Skinny.”)

I might be more forgiving of this dreck were it not for the deplorable lack of billiards realism. In the first game, Chris’ opponent calls the ball in the corner pocket and then hits it into the side. The cue ball then magically moves to a different part of the table and many of the balls formerly on the table are now mysteriously pocketed. The second game is even worse, as the butterfly shot clears the table, though only six balls went in. The full episode is available to watch below.

Small Time Hustle (2011)

Some time between 1961 and 2011, “hustle” must have become so vulgarized as to have lost its meaning, or else I’m not understanding Rian Lehman’s short film, Small Time Hustle. This wearying film features a couple of small town locals playing pool, sometimes winning money and sometimes losing money. Everyone looks bored, the pool playing is repetitive (as is the music), and there’s no hustle, just a cashier who proves to be a better shot than his opponents. The saving grace is a colorful final 9-ball shot in which the eight ball is first pocketed, and then the ball’s backspin pockets the 9-ball in the opposite side pocket.

Takes Two to Hustle (2014)

Johnny Bastoni and Ace Maserati are respectively the billiards hotshot wildman and his protective gorilla sidekick, who make money hustling pool and earning street cred. In fact, they’re such local legends that one fan is seeking to make a documentary about them. At least, that’s the premise of Alberto D’Onofrio’s Canadian short film Takes Two to Hustle.

Except, in mere minutes, all plausibility is thrown out the window. The only hustle we see Ace make is winning $100 and proclaiming “this is the life!” As for the “crazy motherfucker Bastoni who is scared of nothing and can shred you to pieces,” he comes across as intimidating as a middle school science teacher. The urban folklore seems a far cry from the pathetic reality of these two “heroes of the street.” Remind me why anyone would want to watch a documentary about them?

The Hustler (2013)

Catalan screenwriter David Bertran made waves in 2017 with his short film Coming to Terms that won 45 Awards and was officially selected in 103 film festivals. His first short film, The Hustler is far less well-known, and unfortunately seems unavailable to locate or watch. According to IMDB, the movie is about when “a real estate millionaire, his trophy wife and a hustler engage in a game of pool, things do not always go according to the plan.” (Update: since publishing this post, I connected with the director, who shared this was a student film that “did not pan out.”)

The Real Hustler (2017)

Even less is known about Felipe Lopez’ short film The Real Hustler, which promises, “Pool is a hustlers’ game. One can be the hustler, but someone has to be the mark.” If you have any information about this movie or the whereabouts of the people involved in its creation, please contact me directly.

The Hustle (TBD)

Lest you conclude the hustler’s heyday has run its course, there was a casting call eight months ago in Houston, Texas for The Hustle, a short film that “follows the story of Jake, a confident, seasoned pool hustler who believes he’s unbeatable. One night, he struts into a pool hall, exuding confidence and charm, and quickly hustles a couple of overconfident guys. However, his night takes an unexpected turn when he meets Rebecca, a seemingly casual player who is more than meets the eye.” (Note: since publishing this post, the director released a brief teaser reel on Instagram. No pool yet, unfortunately.)

And, just in case you’re not convinced that the billiards hustler has become as ubiquitous in pop culture as the criminal mastermind, the charming outlaw, and the ice queen, I leave you with the trailer for Custer Hustler, a pool movie that was never actually made.

Break (2024)

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After watching Break, Will Wernick’s tedious and hackneyed film that released earlier this year, I asked ChatGPT to create the most cliched billiards movie possible. The similarities to Break were striking, but not surprising.

Break follows the story of Eli King, a twenty-something from Southfield, Michigan, who balances multiple jobs while caring for his family. His life takes a dramatic turn after a game of 8-ball with a local frat boy turns violent. He is suddenly thrust into Detroit’s billiards underbelly, where shady characters and doting old-timers spend their days and nights at the Loving Touch Pocket Billiards hall. There, he discovers his runaway father’s legacy as a pool legend. He embarks on a transformative journey, which will encompass highs and lows, love and violence, and, of course, the ultimate, winner-takes-all match of 9-ball against evil Jimmy, the man responsible for forcing his father to leave town.

ChatGPT pitched me the (fake) movie Cue of Destiny. “Small-town prodigy Jake Daniels reluctantly enters the high-stakes world of underground billiards to escape his dead-end life, guided by his estranged father, a disgraced pool hustler. Facing colorful rivals and his own insecurities, Jake must overcome impossible odds to take on Vincent “Viper” Kane, the man who destroyed his father’s career. With a heart-stopping final shot, Jake redeems his family’s name, wins the championship, and forges his own path as a legend in the making.”

Aside from the fact that Cue of Destiny is at least an original title, as opposed to Break, which may have cribbed its title from Sam Elkins’ superior billiards movie Break (2020), the two movies read like cinematic kissing cousins. Their shared DNA consists of every recycled billiards trope, two-dimensional character, and watered-down plot idea imaginable.

Taking the comparison a step further, I asked ChatGPT for some sample dialogue from Cue of Destiny. The billiards screenwriter in the ether replied,”Pool ain’t just about sinking balls, kid. It’s about controlling the table. Same as life—if you don’t own the table, someone else will own you.”

As for Break, the three-person writing team scripted a similarly clichéd zinger, “Learn how to play the game or the game will play you…Keep your life clean, the game will work out.”

The shame is if you remove the derivative dialogue, the cardboard characters, and the atrocious acting from the lead (Darren Weiss, who is also the executive producer), you’re left with a film that genuinely seems to enjoy billiards, or at least, the filming of billiards.

A variety of camera angles and filming techniques were used to capture the motion of the balls and the beauty of pocketing shots. There are some great bank shots, some well-crafted shot sequences, and a particularly sweet double bank shot with just the right amount of English.

We know director Will Wernick likes billiards, or at least terrorizing people in upside down pool halls, as evidenced in his 2017 horror flick Escape Room. But, more likely, credit goes to cinematographer Akis Konstantakopoulos and editor Daniel Gibb, as well as billiards coaches (and presumably technical advisors) Steve Sherman and Spencer Ladin. (According to an interview with Weiss, Ladin also spent about three hours a day, three days a week for three months teaching Weiss how to shoot billiards.) Sportsman Family Billiards in Englewood, Los Angeles, also proved a great locale as the venue standing-in for Loving Touch Pocket Billiards.

Other callouts go to actress Braedyn Burner, who makes the most of her flimsy character Millie, the overnight love interest of Eli, and veteran actor Jeff Kober, who plays evil Jimmy. Kober is an Emmy-winning actor (General Hospital), who played a number of unredeemable and far more memorable characters in shows such as Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, and Out of Bounds. He’s the C-list headliner for Break, much like Rutger Hauer was the marquis (and more recognizable) name that helped the other Break (2020) stand out from the billiards pack.

Unfortunately, neither a few good actors, nor an affinity for billiards, can save this otherwise miserable movie from the billiards trash-heap. To quote ChatGPT one more time, “I guess some tables just aren’t meant to be won.” The same is true for billiards movies.

Break is available to stream on Amazon Prime. You can watch the trailer below.

Be Careful of the #FakeBilliardsMovie Scam

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The news is overflowing with headlines about scams. “Real estate scams are on the rise,” declares Fox News. “Rental scams are on the rise,” says Forbes. “Investment scams,” “Employment scams,” and “Facebook scams” are all soaring.

And those are the obvious ones. We’re also seeing rises in “Homecoming mum scams,” “Toll payment scams,” and, heaven forbid, “Pig butchering scams,” to name just a few news-grabbers.

Yet, somehow within this swamp of scams, scant attention has been given to a trend that I first highlighted in 2017, and again two years ago: the #FakeBilliardsMovie scam. It wears many guises, but beneath its mask of misinformation, the FakeBilliardsMovie is a cultural con artist, a cinematic charlatan, a billiards bilker.

Look at this latest set of 15 visual sirens, but hold onto the rail and don’t get lured. Join the crusade and help me banish these bunco artists of the baize. (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)

15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)

For a fleeting moment, I felt like Howard Carter must have in 1922 when he discovered King Tut’s tomb. After years of searching, I had stumbled across Ardh el-Khof, the first Egyptian billiards movie known to man (or, at least, to me). But, this unearthing proved a hoax. Beneath the billiards artifice, this 1999 film is about a police officer who is assigned to a secret mission as an undercover drug dealer and slowly loses his identity. So, it’s not only a sham, but a ripoff of the exceptional Deep Cover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

14. On Time

No doubt, Lilly Rikhter is multi-talented. Award-winning actress. Model. DJ. Thai boxer and powerlifter. Fitness bikini champion. But, even with all those accomplishments under her belt, and – let’s call it what it is – her assets on display, that’s not enough to give On Time a second look, especially when it shamelessly snookers you into thinking it’s a billiards film. On the contrary, this 2023 Spanish short film is about a woman framed for murder and her attempt to distance herself from the crime. #FakeBilliardsMovie

13. Bitterroot

In southwestern Montana, between the Bitterroot Range and Sapphire Mountains, lies the Bitterroot Valley. This area is not only the primary shooting location for the TV series Yellowstone, but also ground zero for the eponymous Western Noir short film, currently in post-production. Bitterroot looks like it’s where time forgot to pass. Somewhere between that wagon wheel and the pool table a billiards movie awaits with a slow drawl and a mean draw…except apparently not. Rather, this film is about some local townsfolk who are split over how to handle the disappearance of a greedy businessman. #FakeBilliardsMovie

12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)

The blood-stained cue stick separating the cue ball from the other balls had me crossing fingers that the 2022 Iranian movie Cue Ball was some kind of Agatha Christie / Walter Tevis cinematic stepchild. The enigmatic characters seem unruffled by whatever horror transpired on this table. But, more likely, the billiards is a red herring. The movie, about a young man named Ala who carries a big wound from his past, appears to have nothing to do with billiards. The only “break” you’ll hear in this film is from characters “breaking” away from family traditions and overbearing relatives. #FakeBilliardsMovie

11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)

Almost 50 years before 50 Shades of Grey had Anastasia Steele playing naughty S&M games with Christian Grey, Spanish director Carlos Aured was making his own risque, softcore movie filled with sexual games and experiments. Aured’s film is about an attractive woman who introduces a married couple to a new sexual life. Hard to imagine what kind of game entails shooting billiards balls at the nether regions of a woman tied supine to a table, but I’m pretty confident it’s not one of standard billiards variants. #FakeBilliardsMovie

10. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan

The marketers of Naanum Rowdy Dhaan apparently couldn’t limit their lies to one poster; they doubled-down on their duplicities, spreading their half-truths across two posters. This 2015 Indian Tamil-language romantic action comedy film couldn’t give two billiards balls about the sport, contrary to the posturing of the film’s stars Vijay Sethupathi and Nayanthara. Oddly-held cue sticks notwithstanding, the movie is about the son of a police inspector, who becomes involved in illegal activities and falls in love with a deaf woman on a quest to get revenge against a ruthless gangster. #FakeBilliardsMovie

9. Juke Joint

Between 1915 and the early 1950s, more than 500 “race films” were created and produced outside the Hollywood system for black audiences and featured black casts. Juke Joint is a 1947 Bert Goldberg race film. Like most of those 500+ films, this one was assumed lost. The good news is a print was found in a warehouse in 1983; the bad news is that its unearthing was accompanied by such a misleading lobby card. Never mind that the pictured table seems to be missing quite a few colored balls. The greater outrage is that the movie is not about billiards; it’s about a con artist and his dim-witted sidekick who hustle their way into a boarding house where they are entrusted to give “poise lessons” to an aspiring beauty queen named Honey Dew. #FakeBilliardsMovie

8. Deux Soeurs

French Polynesia is known for its stunning beaches and resorts, not its film output. Its island Tahiti has been the location for many films (e.g., Point Break, Soul Surfer, Mutiny on the Bounty), but the country of origin for a film? Not too often. That’s why I was initially giddy to discover Deux Souers, a French Polynesia short film released in 2022. The poster suggests mystery, secrets, control, and of course, billiards. After all, the billiards table literally foregrounds the entire picture! Yet, the poster ultimately delivers only disappointment, as in, “I’m super disappointed that this movie, which has a character recounting her sister’s story, from her rebirth as a woman to the assault that will lead to her death, has absolutely zero to do with billiards.” #FakeBilliardsMovie

7. Iya Aimodi

Eight thousand miles away from Hollywood a completely different, vibrant film industry exists within Nigeria. It’s called Nollywood, and it releases more than 2500 films per year. In 2023, one of those films was Iya Aimodi, and from the looks of the poster, it was about a whole different type of action happening on the billiards table. Whether the nookie is real, the billiards is not, unfortunately. This Yoruban movie is about a woman who infiltrates the marriage of a young couple by posing as a maid so she can claim vengeance and justice for past wrongs. Yeah, that’s precisely what jumps out at me from this poster!?! #FakeBilliardsMovie

6. The Split

After filming the spectacular The Dirty Dozen in 1967, Jim Brown, Donald Sutherland, and Ernest Borgnine reunited one year later, along with Warren Oates, Jack Klugman, Julie Harris, and Gene Hackman, to film The Split. Based on a half-million dollar heist that goes sideways when the money disappears and the crew start blaming one another, the movie sounds fantastic…so why did the marketers need to taint it with this ridiculous lobby card? I’m not sure which is the greater crime: the stolen $500,000 or Jim Brown’s risible bridge. And for an extra 100 C-notes, please explain why there appear to be two 14-balls on the table. #FakeBilliardsMovie

5. Squadra Antiscippo

If I were to update my blog post, “Top 10 Billiards Brawls,” I might need to swap in Squadra Antiscippo, a 1976 Italian police drama, that appears to provide a healthy dose of pool pandemonium. Does that guy in the blue jeans really have a cue ball in his mouth? But, bedlam aside, this is not a billiards movie; it’s a film about an undercover cop who finds and arrests a series of purse snatchers until he discovers an American at the top of an evil ring of thieves. #FakeBilliardsMovie

4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)

Lasting only four episodes, this 2016 Russian melodrama TV series focused on Igor and Olga, two unremarkable and unrelated individuals who have a chance encounter in a sanatorium, where each of them wanted to find peace from the bustle of everyday reality. Here, they awaken to a new world of happiness and unknown feelings, which seems to include a meet-cute where the man stereotypically shows the woman how to aim a shot in a game of Russian pyramid. I hope she becomes as good as Anastasia Luppova; otherwise I’m decrying this Russian ruse. #FakeBilliardsMovie

3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion

We’re knee-deep into global examples of movie marketers misleading audiences with their underhanded usage of billiards imagery. The panache of pool can beguile the best of us into watching anything: cheesy rom-coms, melodramatic morality tales, cop stories, Westerns, comic book capers, you name it. But, I think the 2019 South Korean film Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion takes the prize. Yep, it’s a Korean porno. So, the next time someone says, “Sex sells,” remember: “Billiards sells, too.” #FakeBilliardsMovie

2. Hermosa Justicia

I don’t want to overreact to the poster of the 2023 Costa Rican film Hermosa Justicia. After all, this is the country of pura vida. Besides, billiards and leather-clad superheroines sounds like a great combination shot. But, this story of two costumed women uniting to take down the villainous Dr. Olman, who has recently escaped from prison, has as much to do with billiards as Catwoman had to do with good movie-making. It’s cinematic capriccio, a case of disguised identity, just like our two masked crusaders. #FakeBilliardsMovie

1. Bones | Big Bang Theory

Here’s my rule: if you’re going to market a TV show with billiards, feature the sport in at least one episode. Maybe I can cut Bones some slack. The Fox series aired in 2005-2006 and only had 22 episodes. At least one scene featured FBI Agent Seeley Booth burning the midnight oil in a pool hall. But, there’s no forgiving The Big Bang Theory, that primetime juggernaut with 279 episodes and average viewership often north of 15 million. If a short film can be made about Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi story “The Billiard Ball,” and multiple TV shows can discuss the physics of pool, then surely Sheldon Cooper can pick up a cue stick just once and give the game a quantum physics makeover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

So, where do we go from here? Call the FTC to report false advertising? Reach out to Scambusters? I’ve read naked potholing can be an effective protest strategy (at least in Saskatchewan). I’m admittedly a bit dejected from trying to denounce this dupery for the past seven years, but I have another idea: grab some popcorn and check out any of the 300+ legitimate billiards movies, TV shows, short films and web episodes!

Billiards Short Films, 2023

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An argument can be made that 2023 was a great year for film.

The industry rebounded from the pandemic with domestic box office ticket sales surpassing $9 billion. A slew of A-list directors – Scorsese, Miyazaki, Mann, Fincher, (Ridley) Scott, Linklater, Gerwig – released new movies. And, of course, there was the Barbenheimer phenomenon, which not only suggested audiences can tolerate more than MCU blockbusters, but also that cinematic portmanteaus are going to be the new normal.

It was certainly a better-than-average year for billiards short films, with five notable entries from around the world releasing in 2023. While they’re not on the level of the genre’s more recent standard-bearers, such as Petrichor, 8, or Inglorious Billiards, they comprise an enjoyable 41 minutes of billiards film watching.

The Ballad of Rich and Champ

If Robert Rodriguez (Sin City; From Dusk till Dawn) was back in film school, he might have made a movie like The Ballad of Rich and Champ. Written and directed by Caleb Voyles, who completed his Film Production Master’s programs at Florida State University and FullSail University in 2022, Ballad is a homage to 1970s American Cinema, and perhaps, to Mr. Rodriguez, who had too much fun reminding audiences of 70s grindhouse films with his 2007 tribute Planet Terror.

In Ballad, Voyles plays loosely with saturated colors, wardrobes, funky music, a fake trailer (Pieta: A Meditation on Suffering), and plenty of cinema techniques that defined the low-budget, drive-in b-movie blessings that have resurfaced in popularity today thanks to Rodriguez and especially Quentin Tarantino.

The plot is generic, but that’s nothing new. A pair of hustlers – Rich and Champ – have a regular night at the billiards table turn deadly when an opponent makes clear this will be Champ’s last game. There’s a moderate amount of billiards playing – nothing memorable – but the film style and original soundtrack keep you smiling. The full billiards short film is available to watch here.

The Caligo Cuckoo

The Caligo Cuckoo may be missing Rod Serling’s famous opener, but there’s no mistaking the film’s deep admiration of The Twilight Zone. Director Kai Patterson shared, “I loved how each story [of The Twilight Zone would transport you to another dimension with endless possibilities, usually with some kind of sinister twist in the end. They felt like old ghost stories you’d tell your friends around a campfire, cautionary tales of sorts. The show made a huge impact on me at a very young age and I wanted to create a film that gave me the same feeling today.”

Patterson’s paean seemingly extends beyond The Twilight Zone to the famous 1961 episode “A Game of Pool,” in which Jack Klugman and Jonathan Winters played a game of billiards with life-altering consequences. While definitely not a remake (we’ll leave that to the 1985 “A Game of Pool” episode of the revised Twilight Zone), Cuckoo also pits two players against one another in the middle of the night in which “a quick game of pool can change your life.”

Cuckoo is a well-crafted film. Only 15 minutes long, Patterson maximizes every minute to create mood and tension, as well as build to the climactic reveal. To capture all the nuance, it deserves more than one watch, and will probably have you thinking twice about the concept of “stepping into another man’s shoes.” The full billiards short film is available to watch here.

Smoking Dolphins

While the entirety of Smoking Dolphins is shot around a snooker table inside a rundown social club, the film has nothing to do with billiards. Nor is it about smoking dolphins, though most of the film is a buildup to the incredulous story of a pair of dolphins who are able to – almost – sneak a smoke in the midst of ignorant onlookers. It’s a preposterous tale, made all the more absurd by the ratatat storytelling from the film’s two oddball protagonists, who only reveal their ulterior motives at the end.

As director Sean Lyons shares, Smoking Dolphins honors “the eccentric locals who, more often than not, chose to spend their time regaling customers with the same old stories, most of which were either embellished to the nth degree or completely fabricated.

”But, it’s also a sharp-barbed satire of Brexit and, in particular, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Lyons criticizes for his daily lies and scandals. Lyons channeled his frustration in making the film. “I saw the parallels of the bullshit spewed by characters in the script and by those leading the country. A lot of advice you hear is to make a film about something you care about deeply…Seeing those parallels opened a door…to make a film and a subject I feel strongly about.” The full billiards short film is available to watch here.

Spiel Des Lebens (Game of Life)

Not all the 2023 billiards short films were good. German director Marcel Flock’s Spiel Des Lebens (Game of Life) is an apocalyptic bomb. The year is 2036. To relieve overcrowded prisons, convicts must face off against the guards in Ball 13 (Future Billiards) life-or-death matches.

I’m a sucker for dystopian films, but like Hard Knuckle and The Day Lufberry Won It All, this one is painful to watch. Nobody – not the inmates, not the guards – knows how to shoot billiards! If someone used that over-the-middle-knuckle bridge against me, I’d probably want them eliminated, too.

Granted, this is a “proof of concept” (as opposed to a complete short film), so it naturally feels a little disjointed. But, if it is intended to be a composition of scenes that best represent the concept, story, tone and themes of a potential feature film, the future looks pretty grim. You can watch the proof of concept here.

Tamatsuki’s Dream

At 60 minutes, the Japanese movie Tamatsuki’s Dream, directed by Keita Taguchi, sits in the cinematic purgatory between short and feature-length films, depending on whose chronometric definition is used. I was feeling generous.

I was unable to find this movie to watch, but was highly intrigued by both the film’s poster and its description: “Set in Japan during World War II, Kishino lives in Kumano’s mansion as a concubine, a landowner and munitions factory owner. Upon hearing that her younger brother has been killed in battle, she attempts to commit suicide with her lover. However, just as she is about to commit suicide, she meets a man named Asajiro, who resembles her younger brother. Asajiro, who suffers from tuberculosis, is exempt from military service and lives a secluded life. He runs a billiards parlor that he started with his wife, who also died of tuberculosis, and is under police scrutiny for disrupting public morals, but he still has a dream of becoming the world billiards champion.”

A trailer for the billiards short film is available to watch here. If you can help locate this film to watch, please contact me directly.

Wilson Pickett: Pickett in the Pocket

Benny Holst / Jytte Pilloni / Katrine Jensenius / Delta Blues Band: Så Længe Mit Hjerte Slår (En Nat Med John Mogensen)

Novo Fasili: Tvoje I Moje Godine

Bennewitz Quartet: Haydn, Mozart, Dittersdorf & Vanhal: An Evening in Vienna 1784

Dolla Bill: “Old Schoolin’” |. Nightblaze: “State of Grace”

The Intellectuals: Half-A-Live

Victor Fantastic Orchestra: Off Vocal Selection Shinji Tanimura / Takao Horiuchi Works

Brainstory: Sounds Good. |. Rez Doggz: Underdoggz

Nationaleatern: Rockormen

Zekk: “Platinum Gacha”

Jamie J. Marquez: Moon Striker | Eloy: Performance

Butaotome: Billiards

Richard Elliot: Ricochet

Black Label Society: Shot to Hell

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MADtv – “The Hustler” (1999)

Malcom & Eddie – “Do the K.C. Hustle” (1996)

Out of the Blue – “The Hustler” (1979)

Small Time Hustle (2011)

Takes Two to Hustle (2014)

The Hustler (2013)

The Real Hustler (2017)

The Hustle (TBD)

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15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)

14. On Time

13. Bitterroot

12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)

11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)

10. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan

9. Juke Joint

8. Deux Soeurs

7. Iya Aimodi

6. The Split

5. Squadra Antiscippo

4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)

3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion

2. Hermosa Justicia

1. Bones | Big Bang Theory

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The Ballad of Rich and Champ

The Caligo Cuckoo

Smoking Dolphins

Spiel Des Lebens (Game of Life)

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