My Three Sons – “Charley, the Pigeon”

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“Girls?,” says Steven Douglas, flabbergasted that his son Robbie lost the $50, which was intended to buy a set of golf clubs, to two female pool hustlers. It’s a bit hard to imagine for the famous father of three sons in the “Charley, the Pigeon” episode of My Three Sons.

Before digging into Mr. Douglas’ disbelief, a little refresher for those not familiar with the long-running sitcom. My Three Sons first aired on ABC in 1960, and then moved to CBS from 1965 to 1970. The wholesome comedy starred Fred MacMurray as widower and aeronautical engineer Steven Douglas who must raise his three sons, Robbie, Chip and Ernie. He is initially helped by the boys’ grandfather, but by the sixth season, which includes “Charley, the Pigeon,” the character has been replaced by Charley (William Demarest), the boys’ great uncle.

In this billiards episode from January 1966, Robbie (Don Grady) gets fleeced by two high school girls who feign ignorance of the game. Asking Robbie to explain it, he replies, “It’s a game of geometric angles, it’s a matter of velocity and angle of carom,” to which one coyly relays to the other, “I told you we could never understand it.” After questioning the use of the cue ball and then suggesting, “The white ball with the lavender stripes is so much cuter…couldn’t we use that one?,” the girls shark Robbie for his $50.

Fortunately, uncle Charley used to shoot stick when he was younger, so he impersonates a tycoon named Tex and goes down to the pool hall to give the girls a dose of their own medicine. Playing for $1 per ball, Charley promptly calls the 3 on the break, banks the 4, then does a nice masse shot that he “learned from Mr. Masse.” He caps off the game with a shot in which he uses the crease of his ten-gallon hat to serve as a bridge and pocket the ball. Beaten and dismayed, the girls fork over the $50 to Charlie, who gives it to Robbie to make things right once more. The full episode is available to watch here.

Now, back to Mr. Douglas’ exclamation of disbelief: “Girls?” At its core, it’s the standard sexism one was accustomed to on television, even in our most wholesome shows. The idea that a woman could play pool was simply too much to believe.

It shouldn’t have been a total head-scratcher. Enough women were shooting billiards in the 1960s that the first national women’s billiards tournament occurred just one year later in 1967. (Dorothy Wise won it that year, and the next five years, and ultimately became the first woman elected in the Billiards Congress of America Hall of Fame.)

Lori Shampo

But, a female pool hustler? Well, such a woman was considerably more uncommon (or just undiscussed) at that time. In my research, I found scant evidence of women pool hustlers until Lori Shampo started sharking people in the 1970s. (There were other famous pool playing women, such as Jean Balukas, but most experts seem to agree that while Ms. Balukas may have been the better player, Ms. Shampo was the true hustler. As Freddie “The Beard” Bentivegna described her, “[She was the] highest rolling female pool player – probably the best for cash…. Lori was the best big-money playing woman of all time. She could play for $5,000 a set or $1,000 a game of 9-ball on the bar table….She shot good, best high, woofed good, and was fearless with a big heart…For the money and the intimidation, Lori Shampo was a female Cornbread Red, only much better-looking.^[1])

Therefore, as predictable and pedestrian as the “Charley, the Pigeon” episode seems today, it was a bit groundbreaking to portray women pool hustlers in 1966.

So, the next time you watch “Pool Sharks Git Bit” (The Steve Harvey Show) or “Archie is Cursed” (All in the Family) or “Double of Nothing” (Red Shoe Diaries) or “Martin in the Corner Pocket” (Martin) or Turn the River or Virgin Pockets or Kiss Shot or a host of other shows with female hustlers, chalk your cue, ignore the cute lavender-striped ball, and tip your hat to the My Three Sons episode “Charley, the Pigeon.”

[1] Bentigvena, Freddie “The Beard.” The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers. 2013.

How Are Billiards Tables Made?

Billiards has come a long way since King Louis XI of France introduced the first table in 1470 exclusively for use by the noble class. Back then, the handles of maces were used to push balls made of wood, clay, or ivory into a single center hole. Fast forward, in the US alone, there are now more than 20 million players. Though in decline, the billiards tables market is a $200 million industry, with individual tables easily ranging from $500 to $15,000. And the revenue generated from the 340,000 coin-operated tables is close to $1.5 billion.^[1]

Billiards tables can have varying dimensions and be considerably customized (e.g., choice of wood, color, cloth, etc); nonetheless, they follow a similar manufacturing process that, when done well, should last several decades. Not surprisingly, several educational reality television shows have attempted to address the question, “How are billiards tables made?”

The oldest of the three shows is How It’s Made, a documentary television series that premiered in early 2001 on the Discovery Channel in Canada and on Discovery’s Science Channel in the US. The low-budget, lo-res series relied on an off-screen narrator who described matter-of-factly in 5-7 minute segments how common items, ranging from guitars to bubble gum, are manufactured, while also injecting some tidbits of history.

The Season 6 episode “Ropes, billiard tables, sailboards, cymbals” from 2006 doesn’t help its cause by getting its history wrong in the first minute, incorrectly saying that “billiards [is] also known as pool” and that the game has “been around nearly 500 years.” The episode then proceeds to walk the viewer through the building process, from the initial table frame getting shaped to the rubber strips getting added to the rails to the workers pre-assembling the pieces and stamping them sequentially to ensure the table can be re-assembled later. Additional attention is given to the hot-gluing of the mother-of-pearl sights and the “real heavy lifting” of the three pieces of slate, each weighing up to 330 pounds, which comprise the table surface. The full episode is available to watch here, starting at 7:02.

Disappointingly, Discovery Communications repeated the How It’s Made formula 16 years later with the launch of their series Incredible Inventions, which first aired in March 2017 on their American Heroes Channel. Spread across 30-minute episodes, this documentary reality series aims to “explore the history and science behind different inventions.”

In the Season 2 episode “The Bow, Ferrofluid, The Billiard Table” from September 2017, the narrator, Matt Baker, delves into the table’s history, referencing its evolution from outdoor croquet and the role Neville Chamberlain played in popularizing the sport.

Then, focusing on Thurston, the oldest (1799) snooker table manufacturer in the world, Mr. Baker details how the company makes its tables: selecting the timber, cutting the wood, planing the wood to the appropriate thickness, drilling holes to enable assembly, creating the legs, leveling the table, spraying the wood, fitting the cushions with billiards cloth, adding the pocket leathers and nets, adding the table cloth, marking the cloth to regulation measurements and ironing it, and finally fitting the cushions.

Aside from highlighting the weight of the table slate, and the craftsmanship of the cloth fitters, the episode feels like a retread of its predecessor, maybe minimally better. The full episode is available to rent/buy and watch on Vudu, starting at 14:20.

In fact, one starts to wonder how this episode got made when Discovery Communications had already upped their game 18 months earlier with the “Pool Tables, Gas Fired Boilers and Shopping Carts” episode from Machines: How They Work, produced and aired by their subsidiary network The Science Channel. By far the most innovative of this how-to trio, this ten-part series combines photo-real CGI with real factory footage to show the hidden workings of appliances, objects, and machines.

Airing in March 2016, the “Pool Tables…” episode distinguishes itself by specifically tackling coin-operated tables, in which “500 parts work in unison” to enable a table to “rack up a half million games” in its 30-year lifetime.

Dissecting a table from Valley-Dynamo, the inventor of the 70-year-old coin-op table, the episode highlights the assembly of the dead rail, the mechanics of the coin recognition slot, and the interior “spider web of runways” that transport the balls. The episode also tackles the classic question, “Why does the cue ball return but not the other balls?” I anticipated the answer was attributable to the ball’s size, which is also accurate, but on this featured table it is because the cue’s white layer conceals a ball of iron that gets magnetized, pulling the cue out of the regular chute and channeling it back into play. The full episode is available to watch here, starting at 00:46.

If you’re seeking to understand how billiards tables are manufactured, these three shows should be sufficient. And, if you’re curiosity wanders more toward the creation of billiards cues or balls, don’t worry. There are plenty of films (The Cuemaker), TV episodes (How It’s Made – “Air filters, billiard cues, ice sculptures, suits”) and video vignettes (Impossible Engineering – “How are billiards balls made?”) to keep you sated.

[1] Recent data is hard to find. Most of the cited data is 3-5 years old: “…20 million players” (NGSA Sports Participation – Single Sport, 2013); “…a $200 million industry” (Global Billiards Table Market Professional Survey Report, 2017); “…revenue from coin-operated tables” (Statista, 2010; NHBR, 2010)

Magic Kaito 1412 – “Hustler vs Magician”

More than 30 years ago, Gosho Aoyama wrote and illustrated a Japanese manga series entitled Magic Kaito. The story was about a teenager, Kaito Kuroba, who learns that his father was The Kaito Kid, a famous international criminal who was mysteriously murdered over a jewel theft. Vowing to avenge his father, the adolescent becomes a master illusionist and assumes the identity of the Kaito Kid.

The story was turned into the 24-episode anime series Magic Kaito 1412 that aired from October 4, 2014 to March 28, 2015. In “Hustler vs Magician,” the third episode of the series, Kaito learns that his close family friend Jii, who owns the Blue Parrot Billiards Club, once lost the diamond and emerald-encrusted Legendary Cue (stick) to a local mob boss when he was beaten by the boss’ pool shark, Tsuujirou Hasura in a rigged match. Now the same boss is threatening to close down the billiards club.

Though Kaito cannot shoot pool, he vows to win back the cue. Sneaking into the boss’ club, the American, he challenges Hasura to multiple matches of 9-ball for $10,000 per game. Losing them all, he wagers the Blue Parrot for the Legendary Cue. At that point, he assumes the billiards stance of his late father and performs a spectacular trick shot, with multiple jumps, which wins him the cue stick. It is only later revealed that the shot was an illusion. Hidden wires tautly stretched across the table allowed the cue to travel an otherwise impossible orbit that knocked in all his balls in one shot. The full episode is available to watch here.

Magic Kaito 1412 is the third anime series I’ve discovered with a billiards episode. Unfortunately, it’s the worst of the lot. Lacking the metaphysical, WTF-ness of Death Billiards or the hyper-sexualized imagination of the “Moulin Rouge” episode of Fairy Tale, the “Hustler vs Magician” episode banally trudges along from its questionable setup to its nonsensical ending. Moreover, the episode feels overly familiar, recycling billiards tropes on its path to an obvious conclusion.

Let’s start with the troubled friend who is poised to lose his bar to the local mob boss. This same idea was the premise of the 1972 film Wandering Ginza Butterfly, which also resolved itself with a match between the main character and a yakuza henchman. Similarly, in the Italian film Il tocco – la sfida the lead character makes the decision to compete in a 5-pin tournament to save his friend’s pool hall. (In that example, the lead unwisely beats the local gangster’s hired pool shark, thereby sealing his friend’s fate.)

Then, there is the character of Hasura, an honorable pool shark, who is torn between his love of the game and his role as an employee of a ruthless gangster. This situation is similar to that in the 1991 movie Legend of the Dragon, in which world snooker champion Jimmy “The Whirlwind” White plays the conflicted hustler.

Another trope is the child billiards prodigy underestimated by adults. Less common in movies, this idea formed the backbone of both “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch, when Bobby Brady makes a killing in wagered bubble gum, and the “Minnesota Vicki” episode of Small Wonder, in which 10-year-old Vicki hustles her father’s boss out of the ownership of his company.

On a positive note, “Hustler vs Magician” introduce two ideas that I hadn’t yet encountered. The first is a prized cue stick with its own moniker. Sure, Uncle Phil wreaks havoc on his opponent when he unsheathes his cue stick Lucille in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode “Banks Shot.” But, otherwise, most billiards movie cue sticks remain nameless and are of relatively little value.

The second idea is the use of illusions to win a game. Of course, billiards movies are replete with trick shots, and some are so fantastic that they appear to be magical. So, perhaps it’s a fine line separating magic and world-class pool-playing. After all, is it any wonder that world billiards legend Efren Reyes goes by the nickname “The Magician”?

What’s My Line?

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Salvador Dalí. Walt Disney. Eleanor Roosevelt. Lucille Ball. Alfred Hitchcock. Walt Frazier. Althea Gibson. Dizzy Gillespie. Aretha Franklin. Groucho Marx. Jesse Owens. Vidal Sassoon. Barbara Walters. Orson Welles. Gore Vidal. Sean Connery. Along with hundreds of others, these celebrities all had one thing in common. Care to guess?

They all appeared on the famous panel game show What’s My Line? And to this pantheon of household names, we can also add two renowned billiards players, Willie Mosconi and Minnesota Fats, who appeared on the show September 2, 1962 and January 17, 1965, respectively.

What’s My Line? aired in the United States on CBS initially from 1950 to 1967, making it the longest running U.S. primetime network game show. Moderated by John Daly, the game required four “celebrity” panelists to question a contestant in order to determine his or her occupation, with panelists occasionally having to identify a celebrity “mystery guest” by name. Though there were a number of panelists during the 17-year run, a majority of the episodes had a panel that included columnist Dorothy Kilgallen, actress Arlene Francis, and Random House Publishing founder Bennett Cerf.

Willie “Mr. Pocket Billiards” Mosconi, of course, was (and still is) considered one of the greatest pool players in history. He won the World Straight Pool Championship an unmatched 15 times, and he set the straight pool world record in 1954 for pocketing 526 consecutive balls in an exhibition match.

In the What’s My Line? episode featuring Mr. Mosconi as the mystery guest, the billiards legends signs in as Mr. X to avoid recognition. The panel tasked with identifying his profession (“world pocket-billiard champion”) consists of Ms. Francis, Ms. Kilgallen, Mr. Cerf, as well as the flamboyant composer and pianist Liberace.

Knowing only that Mr. X is salaried, deals in a service, and hails from New Jersey, the panel establishes that Mr. X is an indoor entertainer for a profit-making organization who has appeared on television, but otherwise fails miserably to guess his vocation. When the host ultimately reveals that Mr. X is Willie Mosconi, the panel erupts into a chorus of ohs, ahs, and “Yes, indeed.” He then closes his appearance by discussing his role as technical advisor on The Hustler, and then giving the audience a lexical lesson on the origin of the term “pool.”

The episode featuring Minnesota Fats is also available to watch on YouTube here. New York Fats, aka Rudolf Wanderone, was a pool player and hustler who assumed the name Minnesota Fats in 1961 after the release of The Hustler, starring Jackie Gleason as the fictional character Minnesota Fats. Though he appropriated the moniker and was only a decent player, Minnesota Fats quickly became one of the world’s most famous billiards players, appearing in movies (The Player), starring on game shows (Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats), authoring books (The Bank Shot and Other Great Robberies), and headlining video games (Minnesota Fats – Sega Genius).

In this Season 16 episode of What’s My Line?, mystery guest Mr. Fats enters by signing in as Rudolf Wanderone. His profession, which the panelists must guess in 10 or less turns, is “professional pocket billiards player.” The panel, which includes Ms. Francis, Ms. Kilgallen, Mr. Cerf, as well as author and comedian Alan King, are not blindfolded, as they often are with celebrities who are visually recognizable to the general public. Though the panel determines he is an indoor performer who uses “props,” moves around a good deal, requires skill and dexterity, is an expert/champion in sports, and has been seen on television, they fail to guess his identity.

When the host Mr. Daly finally reveals his identity, eliciting applauses, head shakes, and an “Oh Yes!” from Ms. Francis, Mr. Daly goes on to reinforce the myth that Mr. Fats “came to great fame” because he was portrayed by Jackie Gleason in The Hustler, which, of course, was entirely inaccurate. Mr. Daly goes on to cite other parts of Mr. Fats’ resume, including that he was also Vice President at billiard table manufacturer Rozel Industries in Lincolnwood, Illinois.[1] Ironically, the fast-talking Mr. Fats has little opportunity to speak in the episode, often over-ruled by Mr. Daly, but he does have a classic in-character retort to Mr. Cerf’s ignorant question about the famous poker novel later adapted into a movie:

Mr. Cerf: Are you in The Cincinnati Kid? Are you one of the characters?

Mr. Fats: I am one of the characters whenever pool is concerned.

For Mr. Mosconi, What’s My Line? was but one of three game show appearances he made. He also showed up on To Tell the Truth in 1958 and I’ve Got a Secret in 1962. As noted above, Mr. Fats adored the limelight and parlayed his celebrity into a starring role on Minnesota Fats Hustles the Pros in 1967 and then on Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats from 1968 to 1971.

[1] Rozel, formed in 1963, sold pool tables and accessories under the name Minnesota Fats Billiard & Leisure Centers. In 1980, the five Minnesota Fats stores were converted to Video King outlets. The company filed for bankruptcy in 1985.

Dirty Pool

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A common movie trope is the pairing of two adversaries who suddenly find shared ground against a larger enemy. Thor and Loki uniting against the Dark Elves (Thor: The Dark World). Rocky and Apollo partnering to defeat Clubber Lang (Rocky III). Professor X and Magneto setting aside their differences to combat William Stryker (X2: X-Men). Maverick and Iceman channeling their testosterone to fight the Russians (Top Gun).

The list goes on and on. But one entry unlikely to be on your radar are the two pool players who star in the entertaining two-minute animated film Dirty Pool. Created in 2016 by Canadian animator Brent Forrest, the film was a finalist at the 2016 Los Angeles Cinefest and was a winner at the 2016 MindField Film Festival in Los Angeles.

Set in a pool hall with a cool jazz background track, Dirty Pool pits two men against one another in a game of pool. The film begins with all the standard pre-game rituals of billiards, including cue assembly, chalking, and racking. One of the men exudes confidence, the other is nervous Nellie. When one opponent sinks the 8-ball on the break, a minor tussle occurs, setting off a Rube Goldbergian set of escalating events. Bulbs break, cue sticks clatter, a fire extinguisher goes off, and a lone 8-ball hurls across the pool hall breaking the beer steins of a trio of (much) larger men. And, thus, a new shared enemy is born. The film, which Mr. Forrest worked for a year after hours and on weekends, is available to watch here.

I only learned about the film two months ago when Mr. Forrest contacted me about it. He kindly responded to my questions via email. Excerpts of that exchange follow.

Why did you create Dirty Pool?

When I was very young and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a Disney Animator. In my last year of high school, I got an internship at a small studio in Toronto. In time, I started assisting with shots and gradually learned the ins and outs of production and watched as the studio shifted from 2D to 3D. Instead of going to college I stayed there for six years.

In the years since then I have been working “in animation” but mostly doing special effects, compositing, rigging, modelling, editing, basically everything but character work. I still want to animate, but my demo reel doesn’t have much character animation on it, and no one is going to hire an animator without a strong reel. So, I decided to make my own film – focusing strictly on animation. That’s why I used the free Malcolm rig – this wasn’t about rigging or modelling or being a “generalist” (I hate that term), this was all about animation. It’s a passion project, but with a set goal.

You said it’s largely based on a true story. Can you elaborate?

We spent so much time at the pool hall next door, the boss eventually bought a table for the studio. We had our own team on the league, and the relationship between the two players is how I saw my own relationship to my old mentors. This was an idea that was born in the early days of my career, playing pool with other animators from that studio.

Why is the film dedicated to the Charlotte Room?

The Charlotte Room is the pool hall where we used to play. It [closed in 2015], another casualty of the unending condo development in Toronto. I tried to recreate the environment from photos and memory.

You indicated you improved the ending. What changes to the ending did you make?

Originally, the ball just went flying then we cut to the pint glasses being knocked over. My wife suggested I add a series of escalating events with the ball crashing around. Since it didn’t require any more character animation I set up a series of effects shots – a little bit of everything, shattering glass, soft-body dynamics, sparks, fluids, flashing red lights. It took about three weeks to add.

Why do you describe Dirty Pool as a “timeless tale of good vs not so good”?

I see a lot of animated films described as ‘deep testament’ to this that or the other. Mine is just a cartoon. A pratfall, gag upon gag. I wanted to take the piss out of the more serious short animated films. Mine wasn’t about the “duality of man” or the “perseverance of the human spirit,” it was just about fun.

What is your personal experience with pool?

Always make sure everyone is watching when you attempt that huge cross table bank shot. No one will care if you don’t make it but everyone will remember if you do. Oh, and have a little dance prepared for when you sink it.

To learn more about Mr. Forrest or to contact him directly, visit his website.

SNL – “ESPN Classic: 1991 Ladies Billiards Tournament”

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In 1991, Robin Bell won the second ever World Pool-Billiard Association’s Women’s World Nine-ball Championship, defeating her opponent Jo Ann Mason, in Las Vegas. Many years later, Ms. Bell would be inducted into the Billiards Congress of America (BCA) Hall of Fame.

That same year, a very different billiards match also occurred in Las Vegas. Televised by ESPN Classic, that matchup was the 1991 Tampax to the Max Ladies Billiards Tournament of Champions, featuring Greta Milwaukee versus “The Soft One” Nina Wilkes Booth.

Confused yet? Not if you’re a fan of Saturday Night Live.

In 2009, SNL cast members Jason Sudeikis and Will Forte introduced their ESPN Classic sketch, which would recur for three seasons through May, 2012. The two comedians portray on-air commentators for various ESPN Classic airings of women’s sporting events in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Sudeikis’ Pete Twinkle is an uber-bro host and kind of a douchebag. His foil is Forte’s Greg Stink, a cheerful moron, completely uneducated about sports and incapable of even basic conversation. And though Twinkle’s attempt to engage Stink is sometimes humorous, the real heart of the sketch that earned the guffaws is the frequent references to the feminine or sexual product sponsoring the event, using rhyming jingles.

The first ESPN Classic sketch, which aired in October 2009 as part of the Saturday Night Live’s 35^th season, is “1991 Ladies Billiard Tournament,” sponsored by Tampax. The full sketch is available to watch here.

Greta Milwaukee (Kristen Wiig) and Nina Wilkes Booth (celebrity host Drew Barrymore) are introduced and subsequently engage in some over-the-top, physical comedy around chalking their cue sticks, breaking, and attempting to make shots in their game of 9-ball. Both women are pretty unmemorable, though Wiig’s billiards-themed ‘80s shirt is a real keeper.

More amusing is the repartee between Twinkle and Stink, such as:

“Where does the name billiards come from?”

“No idea.”

“Greg Stink – best color man in the business.”

But, of course, the real zing comes from Twinkle’s frequent shout-outs to the tournament’s sponsor Tampax. These jingles punctuate the commentary and get progressively more absurd as the sketch goes on, starting with the introductory slogan, “Tamp it to the max with Tampax,” and culminating with, “Helping you relax when Mother Nature attacks your slacks. Tampax.”[1]

The entire sketch is just over four minutes long, so it’s impressive the number of laughs it generates, even with its one-trick pony concept. Saturday Night Live is also not alone in sketch-comedy shows that have leveraged billiards as source material. It’s a future blog post to review and rank them all, but it’s worth checking out “The Hustler” (The New Show), “Van Hammersly” (Mr. Show), “Pussy on the Chain Wax” (Key & Peele), “The Hustler” (Mad TV), and “Spot Black” (The Benny Hill Show), among others.

[1] Ironically, Tampax’s actual slogan at the time – “Outsmart Mother Nature” – also referenced Mother Nature.

Steve Davis: Snookerstar DJ

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There’s no shortage of famous musicians who can shoot a mean game of pool.

Elvis Presley’s Billiard Room

Elvis Presley, who favored 8-ball and rotation, loved pool so much he outfitted his basement Billiard Room at Graceland with 300 yards of an elaborately printed pleated fabric covering every square inch of the floor and ceiling. [1] John Lennon was an avid player, whose properties housed gorgeous snooker tables. Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, who counts cue ace Jimmy White as one of his friends, remarked that the one item his ex-wife could not auction off was his prized baize table. [2] Lemmy Kilmister, lead singer of Motorhead, said shortly before he passed, “I’m going to hell anyway, that’s where the pool tables are. You can’t imagine a pool table in heaven can you?” [3] Even Mozart was a pool fiend.[4]

But, identifying billiards players who are expert musicians and music buffs? That’s a bit harder. Until you consider Steve Davis, the subject of the recent short film Steve Davis: Snookerstar DJ, which highlights Mr. Davis’ performance at the March 2016 Bloc electronic dance music festival at Butlins Resort Minehead in Somerset, England. The film is available to watch here.

Steve Davis? Sure, the Englishman was one of the best snooker players in the world, dominating the sport in the 1980s when he won the World Championship six times and was ranked number one player in the world for seven consecutive seasons.

But, a DJ? As famous as he was for snooker, Mr. Davis was equally well-known for being, well, boring, due to his lack of emotional expression and somewhat monotonous interviewing style. Mr. Davis would be the first to acknowledge his reputation, saying to his electric idol Holly Herndon in the movie, “You don’t know my history. I was the most boring snooker player on the circuit. I had no facial expressions whatsoever.” In fact, he even mocked his own demeanor by publishing a book entitled How to Be Really Interesting.

This personality paradox, of course, is what makes the 9-minute documentary so enjoyable. Directed by Chris Martinez for BBC Music and released in the UK in April 2016, Snookerstar DJ revels in the juxtaposition between Steve Davis, the Automaton, and Steve Davis, the Music Man. As Barry Hearn, the man who discovered and managed Mr. Davis to global success and stardom, says in the film’s opening, “Something that doesn’t sit along his boring image is his taste in music.”[5]

The film assumes its audience knows Mr. Davis’ snooker accomplishments, so there is little billiards shown or discussed. But, the director correctly anticipates that most people are unaware Mr. Davis has been broadcasting his Interesting Alternative Show on Phoenix FM, a community radio station in England, since 1996. So, it’s eye-opening to see Mr. Davis at the local turntable – and this is before he heads to the Bloc Festival.

As a result of his local show, Mr. Davis, along with his co-presenter Kavus Torabi, has been invited to the Bloc Festival, a popular electronic dance music festival in England that will feature headliners, such as Radiohead’s Thom Yorke, as well as techno legends Jeff Mills and Carl Craig.

For the unflappable Mr. Davis, the upcoming concert reveals a rare moment of vulnerability. “I’m absolutely crapping myself, I really am…I’ve walked out of the Crucible of big matches, played in front of thousands of people live, millions of people on television, but that’s my job. This isn’t my job so much…so I hope it goes well.”

Similarly, in the days leading up to the show, Mr. Davis shares he has no idea how to act on stage. “[I was] told to be myself and enjoy it and dance around, and I can’t do that. I had a dream. It was half a nightmare. I only brought six records and I messed up.”

As the crowd shouts “Steve Davis,” obviously amped they are about to witness a crossover moment in history, Mr. Davis takes the stage. Only a few moments of his set are shown, but it’s clear he’s enjoying himself, and later declares the performance to be “brilliant.”

With Mr. Davis’ metamorphosis complete, former manager Mr. Hearn ends the film with the perfect comment, “This change in Davis is something I have great deal of difficulty coming to terms with. I spent years creating the ultimate robot. And now I find him the most unlikely disc jockey in the world. It is a frightening prospect for music lovers in this land.”

[1] http://www.threadsmagazine.com/2011/12/09/elvis-fabulous-upholstered-pool-room

[2] http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/ronnie-wood-fights-to-keep-hold-1347654

[3] http://www.express.co.uk/celebrity-news/636971/Lemmy-Kilmister-dead-Motorhead-funeral-BBC

[4] http://www.wqxr.org/story/mozarts-likes-eight-random-things-composer-couldnt-resist/

[5] In fairness, there were early signs of Mr. Davis’ musical predilections. In 1986 he joined several other snooker stars to form the backup vocal group the Matchroom Mob for musical duo Chas & Dave on the novelty record “Snooker Loopy”, which was a Top 10 hit in the United Kingdom, and was #3 on my Top 10 Billiards Songs and Videos list.

Schoolhouse Rock! – “Naughty Number Nine”

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Since moving to Manhattan, I’ve enjoyed shooting pool after work at Fat Cat, a subterranean pool hall located on Christopher Street in the West Village of New York City. Sprinkled among the live music stage, the ping pong and shuffleboard tables, and the here-and-there chess and scrabble games, are 10 pool tables, beckoning the casual player.

I never thought much about the venue’s name, however, until I stumbled across the “Naughty Number Nine” episode of Schoolhouse Rock! There, staring out at me amidst a billowy puff of cigar smoke, was the original fat cat pool hustler, Number Nine, in all his anthropomorphic feline glory.

If you were a child in the 1970s like me, chances are you saw more than a few episodes of Schoolhouse Rock! Airing on ABC from 1973 to 1985, Schoolhouse Rock! was a wildly inventive, colorful, musical American interstitial programming series of animated educational short films that covered grammar, science, economics, history, civics, and mathematics.

What’s the deal with “and,” “but,” and “or”? Check out “Conjunction Junction.” Interested in understanding how laws get passed? Learn from “I’m Just a Bill.” He’s “sitting here on Capitol Hill.” Wondering why flicking a switch lights up the house? It’s easy with “Electricity, Electricity!”

One of the most enjoyable Schoolhouse Rock! series was the first season’s Multiplication Rock, which featured 11 episodes, each dedicated to teaching kids their times table for the numbers 0-12. (There was no episode for 1 and 10.) A typical Multiplication Rock episode combined a mix of snappy music and lyrics and humorous streetwise animation that incorporated visual stimuli and urban elements. Though “Three is the Magic Number” is probably the most familiar episode in the series, famously sampled by De La Soul in the chorus of their 1990 song “The Magic Number,” no study of the 9s table would be complete without “Naughty Number Nine” with its portly pool hustling pussycat. The full episode is available to watch here.

Airing in March 1973, the four-minute song about the multiplication of 9 focuses on a villainous cat putting a mouse through absolute hell on the billiards table. The dandy-looking feline is puffing on a cigar to reinforce his sinister nature, though ABC’s Standards and Practices tried to press for the removal of the cigar. While the lyrics have nothing to do with billiards, the sport provides the perfect backdrop for torturing the mouse, whether by the cat tying him to the cue bull, rocketing him into a corner pocket, chalking his head, or getting him crunched in a 15 ball pileup on the break. Meanwhile the bluesy lyrics impart the significance of some of the famous multiplication tricks for the number 9:

If you don’t know some secret way you can check on

You’ll break your neck on

Naughty number nine…

Now the digit sum is always equal to nine

I mean, if you add two and seven, the digits

You get nine, the digit sum

That’s true of any product of nine

If they don’t add up, you’ve made a mistake.

“Naughty Number Nine was written Bob Dorough and sung by Grady Tate, both Schoolhouse Rock! veteran composers and performers. Mr. Dorough wrote all the songs for Multiplication Rock, though he is also known for performing with Miles Davis and contributing vocals on the song “Nothing Like You” from Miles Davis’ Sorcerer (1967) album. Mr. Tate, a hard bop and soul-jazz percussionist with a distinctive baritone voice, started his career playing drums for Quincy Jones and then was a member of the New York Jazz Quarter.

Wholly original, even as it borrows the idea of teaching math through billiards from Donald in Mathmagic Land and its murine torture sequences from the Tom & Jerry episode “Cue Ball Cat,” “Naughty Number Nine” puts a fresh spin on the accessibility and usability of billiards to tell a story, teach a subject, make some music, and create a wonderful memory.

Small Wonder – “Minnesota Vicki”

In February 1989, the American comedy sitcom Small Wonder aired an episode that had me wondering how this series lasted four seasons. Entitled “Minnesota Vicki,” the 91^st episode (out of 96) focused on Ted Lawson (Richard Christie) inviting his boss over for dinner and billiards on a rented table, with the hope that some friendly pool would help him land a huge promotion at United Robotronics. Ted doesn’t make much headway until, unbeknownst to him, Vicki (Tiffany Brissette), his robotic daughter (literally) plays his boss and ultimately wins ownership of the company in the process, due to the boss’ hubris and incredulity that a child could ever play pool so well.

For the uninitiated, Small Wonder chronicles the family of Ted Lawson, a robotics engineer, who creates a robot modeled after a 10-year-old girl, and then passes the robot off as his adopted daughter, Vicky (or V.I.C.I., an acronym for Voice Input Child Identicant). Like many robots on TV, this one has unusual abilities, including a super-strong break and such geometric precision that she can seemingly make any shot on the table, including sinking all the balls on the break.

The episode is pretty humorless, portending the end of the series. The jokes feel forced, the script is stale, the acting is thin, and – oh god, those ‘80s wardrobes. It’s no small wonder (!!) that none of the lead actors had much commercial success after the series ended. In fact, the only silver lining to “Minnesota Vicki” is the trick shots in pool, courtesy of technical consultant Lou Butera. Aside from the standard multi-pocket shots, there are some beautiful jumps and masses. (Fans of “Machine Gun” Lou know that he not only appeared in The Fall Guy episode “Eight Ball,” but also played pool in movies such as Racing with the Moon and Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.) The full “Minnesota Vicki” episode is available to watch here.

But, for such a lame episode, “Minnesota Vicki” does engender two interesting questions. First, could a robot play pool so well? And second, could a 10-year-old child play pool so well?

I tackled the first question about three years ago when I reviewed the My Living Doll episode “Pool Shark” so I won’t rehash it here, as not much has advanced. Suffice to say, a lot of robots are being built to shoot pool, though none can currently play like V.I.C.I. or the My Living Doll android Rhoda Miller.

The second question, however, presents new terrain for my blog, as the billiards movie/television milieu has been lacking elementary school-aged prodigies. (I’m guessing Bobby Brady was at least a teenager when he showcased his pool prowess in The Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.”)

Fortunately, it doesn’t require much online searching to affirmatively answer that it’s not science fiction for a young child to play amazeballs pool. Take Keith O’Dell, who set the world record for youngest billiards player at the age of 25 months. You can watch him dazzle in this video from when he was 5 years old. Or, there is Wang Wuka, age 4 when this video was filmed, from Eastern China, who spends several hours a day on the snooker table.

Jean Balukas, age 6

In fact, as billiards buffs and historians know, a number of the sport’s greatest started at a very young age. As we learned in the documentary The Strickland Story, Earl “The Pearl” Strickland started playing at age 8, when his dad snuck him into a North Carolina pool hall. Billiards Congress of America Hall of Famer Loree Jon Hasson ran her first rack at age 5 and performed her first trick shots at age 6 at a Chicago men’s World Straight Pool tournament.^[1] The great Jean Balukas gained such attention at age 6 from performing in a billiards exhibition at Grand Central Station that she subsequently appeared on the show I’ve Got a Secret. By the time she was in 2^nd grade, she was being billed as the “Little Princess of Pocket Billiards.”

And, of course, there is the legend Willie Mosconi, who first learned to play pool by practicing with small potatoes from his mother’s kitchen and a broomstick. At age 6, he participated in an exhibition match against the reigning world champion Ralph Greenleaf. Mosconi lost but the game cemented his reputation as a prodigy. By the time he was 11, he was the US juvenile straight pool champion, regularly holding trick shot exhibitions.^[2]

So, if you’re thinking of betting your company in a game of pool against a fifth-grade android, remember: it’s not the robotic circuitry you need to worry about. You’ve been warned.

[1] “BILLIARDS; A Top Player Survives That Sinking Feeling,” New York Times, August 12, 1995.

[2] “10 Extraordinary Child Prodigies,” April 6, 2009.

Top 12 Billiards Comic Book Covers

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Almost two years ago, a friend alerted me that Pool & Billiards Magazine had done a cover story on billiards comic book covers. Entitled “Comic Collection: Comics Featuring Our Favorite Sport!,” the November 2015 article focused on the 52 book collection of billiards enthusiast Gary Nelson. Mr. Nelson’s covers ranged from Popular Comics #124 (June 6, 1946) to Grimm Fairy Tales #82D (February, 2013).

As a long-time comic book collector, whose passion for comics pre-dates his passion for billiards by almost a decade, I was instantly hooked. In fact, I was a bit downtrodden, if not even slightly jealous, that the idea of munging comic books and billiards had not occurred to me. Ironically, I had even written a blog post in June 2014 – Top 10 Cartoon Cue Stick Carriers – that referenced a few such covers.

No matter. I jumped into the research with the energy of Firestorm and the determination of the Punisher, ultimately discovering a total of 61 comic book covers featuring billiards. But, to paraphrase the famous wall-crawler, with great research comes great responsibility, and simply sharing the covers is not a sufficient feat of billiards heroism. To take it farther, we must select the top quintile of those covers! My choices of the Top 12 Billiards Comic Book Covers follow, though I’ve also included a gallery of all the covers at the end so you can choose for yourself. Now, read on, enjoy and critique. Excelsior!

Archie’s Mad House #21 (September, 1962). First published in 1959, Archie’s Mad House was designed to make no sense; by issue #19, it didn’t even feature Archie. Instead, the title focused on monsters, space, and wacky stories, often parodying some aspect of popular culture. This particular issue came out one year after The Hustler, which may have been part of the cultural gag. Regardless, the cover illustration shows two space men heading toward a planet shaped like an 8-ball. That’s my kind of interstellar travel destination.

Feature Comics #132 (March, 1949). Published by Quality Comics, Feature Comics ran during the Golden Age of Comics, from the late 1930s to circa 1950. While many characters were introduced, the most noteworthy was Doll Man, created by Will Eisner, who also created The Spirit. Unfortunately named, Doll Man had the power to shrink his physical size, long before there was an Atom or Ant Man. Doll Man outlived his publisher, as the character was eventually acquired by DC Comics, and Doll Man became a member of the Freedom Fighters, as well as the All-Star Squadron. Though this particular cover is uninspiring (and specious, given the hat-wearing felon is shooting the 8-ball rather than the cue ball) I nonetheless appreciate the nostalgic value, as these super groups were part of my youth.

Spider-Man’s Tangled Web #13 (June, 2002). I’ll admit it. The appeal of this cover has less to do with the billiards and more to do with my childhood obsession both with Spider-Man and the Marvel Universe of b-rated comic book villains. The setting for this cover is the Bar With No Name, a safe haven for Marvel villains. Presumably, Spider-Man intruded on a friendly game of pool between the two gents with cue sticks, Mr. Hyde and Whirlwind. And, now the interruption has drawn the ire of a gaggle of other costumed nemeses, including Vulture, Boomerang, Matador, Stilt Man, Rocket Racer, and a couple of other gnarly fellas.

Casper the Friendly Ghost #142 (June, 1970). This amiable phantasm has been around since the 1930s, though he didn’t get his own comic until 1949 when Harvey Comics purchased the character outright. This particular cover is a delight because it not only shows Casper’s trick shot showmanship, pocketing at least three balls, with two more freakishly destined for corner pockets, but also revels in his innocence, as he floats into the table (which I’m thinking is not allowed by the BCA) and – oops – also sinks the cue in the side.

Angel & Faith #11 (February, 2015). Joss Whedon struck gold with his series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Angel & Faith is a Dark Horse title that continues the Buffy story by focusing on the stories of Angel and Faith Lehane. Well, I never watched Buffy, so it’s all gibberish to me, but Scott Fischer’s cover is top-notch. (No surprise from the man who lent his skills and imagination to the Dungeon & Dragons: Monster Manual.) The cover features a menacing individual, gripping an 8-ball and impaled cleanly by a cue stick. A rack of skeletal billiards balls in the background. The scene looks like something out of my Top 10 Billiards Brawls.

Foreskin Man #2 (2011). Circumcision has found a new enemy in Foreskin Man, aka Miles Hastwick, curator of the Museum of Genital Integrity. Created by Matthew Hess and published by Male Genital Mutilation Bill Comics, Foreskin Man, with his Herculean physique, seems to have the upper hand on the grimacing mohel, so I’m not sure why the hero feels compelled to wield an 8-ball. And, then there’s the bigger question which makes the whole comic’s mission a bit suspect: why is the brit malah happening on a pool table???

The Flintstones and Pebbles #55 (December, 1969). I already knew from the 1960 Flintstones episode “At the Races” that the man from Bedrock could shoot pool. But, this cover does a great job of injecting the prehistoric scenery – in this case, a long-necked, fanged, reptilian creature – into the pool game. It is also repurposing the idea of using animals for tools and appliances, a popular Flintstones mechanism. Besides, Amazon sells more than 100 bridges of all shapes and sizes, including moose heads, bats, and spiders. Is it really so implausible that a snagglesaurus could be used for a similar purpose?

Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #3 (February, 2006). Pretty much anything in the Silent Hill franchise is disturbing, and this comic book cover by Ted McKeever and Chris Bolton is no exception. The art shows a quartet of hideous monsters gathered around a pool table, where one of them is shooting the cue ball at an ocular billiard ball drawn disproportionately large. This is certainly far more gruesome than anything from the pseudo-horror billiards shows I’ve reviewed, such as the “Pool Sharks” episode of Monsters or The Understudy: Graveyard Shift II.

New Funnies: Woody Woodpecker #187 (September, 1952). In 1999, the “Cue the Pool Shark” episode of The New Woody Woodpecker established that this red-white-and-blue avian can shoot some stick. But, this cover takes us back 47 years. Even then, Woody could rock the baize, showing off some mean masse skills to his feathered brethren. Granted, the kiddies have no respect for the game, morphing it into something like pool roller hockey. But, that’s cool – there are a lot of hybrid billiards sports out there (e.g., Pool Bowling with Jimmy Kimmel; Poolball – aka pool + soccer; etc.).

Richie Rich Digest Winners #11 (November, 1981). Winning the prize for most billiards comic book covers is Richie Rich, the little boy zillionaire, with six different covers from 1973 (Richie Rich Fortunes #11) to this 1981 cover. Though other covers had better puns (“This table must have cost pool-enty!”), I selected this one for its uniquely designed pool table in the shape of a dollar sign. Too far-fetched? I think not…just take a look at these real unusually shaped tables (a coffin? a banana?). I think Richie might have been ahead of his time.

Sleepwalker #2 (July, 1991). Do you ever play pool to relieve some stress? Jeff Hagees did. But, when his stress turned into gambling debt, and he was circumstantially fired by his employer, this engineer sought revenge by becoming the criminal 8-Ball, with a pool-rack shaped hovercraft, a killer cue stick (literally), and a team of goons, including 6-Ball, 9-Ball, and 11-Ball, who wielded exploding billiards balls. The best part: the 8-ball for a dome!

House of Secrets #127 (January, 1975). Most known for introducing the character The Swamp Thing, House of Secrets from DC Comics focused on mystery, fantasy, and horror stories, often with several anthologized in one comic. This issue includes the 36-page story “Death on Cue!,” in which a pool hall bum steals a magic cue from an old man and beats him to death with it. But, the dead man’s ghost returns and enacts revenge, first beating him, and then shrinking him, as evidenced on the cover. It’s then unlucky 13 for the killer who is ultimately crushed between two deadly rolling balls.

Did I omit one of your favorite covers? Take a look at the complete collection of 61 covers and let me know which would have made your Top 12 list. And if you come across any covers that I’ve overlooked, send me an email or leave me a comment.