Tag Archives: billiards television

Schoolhouse Rock! – “Naughty Number Nine”

Since moving to Manhattan, I’ve enjoyed shooting pool after work at Fat Cat, a subterranean pool hall located on Christopher Street in the West Village of New York City. Sprinkled among the live music stage, the ping pong and shuffleboard tables, and the here-and-there chess and scrabble games, are 10 pool tables, beckoning the casual player.

Naughty Number NineI never thought much about the venue’s name, however, until I stumbled across the “Naughty Number Nine” episode of Schoolhouse Rock! There, staring out at me amidst a billowy puff of cigar smoke, was the original fat cat pool hustler, Number Nine, in all his anthropomorphic feline glory.

If you were a child in the 1970s like me, chances are you saw more than a few episodes of Schoolhouse Rock! Airing on ABC from 1973 to 1985, Schoolhouse Rock! was a wildly inventive, colorful, musical American interstitial programming series of animated educational short films that covered grammar, science, economics, history, civics, and mathematics.

What’s the deal with “and,” “but,” and “or”? Check out “Conjunction Junction.” Interested in understanding how laws get passed? Learn from “I’m Just a Bill.” He’s “sitting here on Capitol Hill.” Wondering why flicking a switch lights up the house? It’s easy with “Electricity, Electricity!”

One of the most enjoyable Schoolhouse Rock! series was the first season’s Multiplication Rock, which featured 11 episodes, each dedicated to teaching kids their times table for the numbers 0-12. (There was no episode for 1 and 10.)  A typical Multiplication Rock episode combined a mix of snappy music and lyrics and humorous streetwise animation that incorporated visual stimuli and urban elements. Though “Three is the Magic Number” is probably the most familiar episode in the series, famously sampled by De La Soul in the chorus of their 1990 song “The Magic Number,” no study of the 9s table would be complete without “Naughty Number Nine” with its portly pool hustling pussycat. The full episode is available to watch here.

Airing in March 1973, the four-minute song about the multiplication of 9 focuses on a villainous cat putting a mouse through absolute hell on the billiards table. The dandy-looking feline is puffing on a cigar to reinforce his sinister nature, though ABC’s Standards and Practices tried to press for the removal of the cigar. While the lyrics have nothing to do with billiards, the sport provides the perfect backdrop for torturing the mouse, whether by the cat tying him to the cue bull, rocketing him into a corner pocket, chalking his head, or getting him crunched in a 15 ball pileup on the break. Meanwhile the bluesy lyrics impart the significance of some of the famous multiplication tricks for the number 9:

If you don’t know some secret way you can check on

You’ll break your neck on

Naughty number nine…

 

Now the digit sum is always equal to nine

I mean, if you add two and seven, the digits

You get nine, the digit sum

That’s true of any product of nine

If they don’t add up, you’ve made a mistake.

 

“Naughty Number Nine was written Bob Dorough and sung by Grady Tate, both Schoolhouse Rock! veteran composers and performers.  Mr. Dorough wrote all the songs for Multiplication Rock, though he is also known for performing with Miles Davis and contributing vocals on the song “Nothing Like You” from Miles Davis’ Sorcerer (1967) album.  Mr. Tate, a hard bop and soul-jazz percussionist with a distinctive baritone voice, started his career playing drums for Quincy Jones and then was a member of the New York Jazz Quarter.

Wholly original, even as it borrows the idea of teaching math through billiards from Donald in Mathmagic Land and its murine torture sequences from the Tom & Jerry episode “Cue Ball Cat,” “Naughty Number Nine” puts a fresh spin on the accessibility and usability of billiards to tell a story, teach a subject, make some music, and create a wonderful memory.

Small Wonder – “Minnesota Vicki”

In February 1989, the American comedy sitcom Small Wonder aired an episode that had me wondering how this series lasted four seasons. Entitled “Minnesota Vicki,” the 91st episode (out of 96) focused on Ted Lawson (Richard Christie) inviting his boss over for dinner and billiards on a rented table, with the hope that some friendly pool would help him land a huge promotion at United Robotronics.  Ted doesn’t make much headway until, unbeknownst to him, Vicki (Tiffany Brissette), his robotic daughter (literally) plays his boss and ultimately wins ownership of the company in the process, due to the boss’ hubris and incredulity that a child could ever play pool so well.

For the uninitiated, Small Wonder chronicles the family of Ted Lawson, a robotics engineer, who creates a robot modeled after a 10-year-old girl, and then passes the robot off as his adopted daughter, Vicky (or V.I.C.I., an acronym for Voice Input Child Identicant).  Like many robots on TV, this one has unusual abilities, including a super-strong break and such geometric precision that she can seemingly make any shot on the table, including sinking all the balls on the break.

The episode is pretty humorless, portending the end of the series.  The jokes feel forced, the script is stale, the acting is thin, and – oh god, those ‘80s wardrobes. It’s no small wonder (!!) that none of the lead actors had much commercial success after the series ended. In fact, the only silver lining to “Minnesota Vicki” is the trick shots in pool, courtesy of technical consultant Lou Butera. Aside from the standard multi-pocket shots, there are some beautiful jumps and masses.  (Fans of “Machine Gun” Lou know that he not only appeared in The Fall Guy episode “Eight Ball,” but also played pool in movies such as Racing with the Moon and Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.)  The full “Minnesota Vicki” episode is available to watch here.

But, for such a lame episode, “Minnesota Vicki” does engender two interesting questions.  First, could a robot play pool so well?  And second, could a 10-year-old child play pool so well?

I tackled the first question about three years ago when I reviewed the My Living Doll episode “Pool Shark” so I won’t rehash it here, as not much has advanced.  Suffice to say, a lot of robots are being built to shoot pool, though none can currently play like V.I.C.I. or the My Living Doll android Rhoda Miller.

The second question, however, presents new terrain for my blog, as the billiards movie/television milieu has been lacking elementary school-aged prodigies. (I’m guessing Bobby Brady was at least a teenager when he showcased his pool prowess in The Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.”)

Fortunately, it doesn’t require much online searching to affirmatively answer that it’s not science fiction for a young child to play amazeballs pool.  Take Keith O’Dell, who set the world record for youngest billiards player at the age of 25 months.  You can watch him dazzle in this video from when he was 5 years old.  Or, there is Wang Wuka, age 4 when this video was filmed, from Eastern China, who spends several hours a day on the snooker table.

Jean Balukas

Jean Balukas, age 6

In fact, as billiards buffs and historians know, a number of the sport’s greatest started at a very young age.  As we learned in the documentary The Strickland Story, Earl “The Pearl” Strickland started playing at age 8, when his dad snuck him into a North Carolina pool hall.  Billiards Congress of America Hall of Famer Loree Jon Hasson ran her first rack at age 5 and performed her first trick shots at age 6 at a Chicago men’s World Straight Pool tournament.[1] The great Jean Balukas gained such attention at age 6 from performing in a billiards exhibition at Grand Central Station that she subsequently appeared on the show I’ve Got a Secret.  By the time she was in 2nd grade, she was being billed as the “Little Princess of Pocket Billiards.”

And, of course, there is the legend Willie Mosconi, who first learned to play pool by practicing with small potatoes from his mother’s kitchen and a broomstick. At age 6, he participated in an exhibition match against the reigning world champion Ralph Greenleaf. Mosconi lost but the game cemented his reputation as a prodigy. By the time he was 11, he was the US juvenile straight pool champion, regularly holding trick shot exhibitions.[2]

So, if you’re thinking of betting your company in a game of pool against a fifth-grade android, remember: it’s not the robotic circuitry you need to worry about.  You’ve been warned.

[1]       “BILLIARDS; A Top Player Survives That Sinking Feeling,” New York Times, August 12, 1995.

[2]       “10 Extraordinary Child Prodigies,” April 6, 2009.

Living Single – “Another Saturday Night”

Picture this television series: A group of six individuals in their 20s and 30s.  The men in the group share an apartment. So do the women. Both apartments are in the same building.  Among the individuals, there is romantic tension, sexual tension, and yes, even real relationships.  Jokes abound about living in New York City.

So, here’s my question: Were the people you pictured white or black? If they were black, chances are you may have been thinking about the Fox sitcom Living Single that aired for five seasons starting in 1993.  If they were white, then you were probably picturing Friends, the NBC sitcom that aired a year later and lasted a decade. These shows were more similar than many people wish to admit.

Living SingleBoth shows were popular, though Friends had a viewership (25-30 million) almost three times as large as Living Single.  Both shows were also pretty terrible, in my humble opinion.  But, more to the point of this blog, both shows managed to weave in some billiards, with Living Single making it far more the centerpiece of an episode than Friends.

In March 1995, Living Single aired “Another Saturday Night,” the 22nd episode in its second season.  The billiards plot is paper-thin.  Overton (John Henton) gets hustled out of $200 at the pool hall.  Khadijah (Queen Latifah) offers to help Overton get his money back. Along with Synclaire (Kim Coles), Overton’s girlfriend, the trio go to the pool hall and challenge the two flimflammers to a double-or-nothing game of mixed doubles against Overton and Khadijah.  Initially feigning ignorance about the game, Khadijah then turns on her skills and wins back the money with a one-hand shot.

Not satisfied to just win $200 with “the best streak of beginner’s luck [she’s] ever had,” she agrees to play again, upping the bet to $500, using her rent money.  Down five balls pretty quickly, Khadijah then slips, suffering a wrist injury that prevents her from finishing the match.  The opposing team has the option to pair Overton with another woman (or he forfeits).  They choose “Mary Tyler Poppins” (i.e., Synclaire), who, painting her nails, looks completely disinterested.  But, of course, they chose wrong, as Synclaire turns out to be the real shark, running the table and winning the game and the bet on a six-rail shot, no less.  The lesson to the hustlers: “Deceit and duplicity don’t pay…although in this case, they did pay for us,” says Synclaire.

To my knowledge, Friends never went full-tilt-billiards, but in October 1996, the episode “The One with the Flashback” (Season 3, Episode 6), did introduce some billiards humor, when Ross (David Schwimmer) and Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) reminisced about their almost-hookup on the pool table.  The specific scene is here.

Ross and Phoebe attempt to take their passion to the baize, only to suffer multiple problems, including Ross hitting his head (twice) on the overhead light, Ross fumbling to get the balls off the table, Ross getting his foot stuck in a pocket, and Ross having trouble with the “stupid balls in the way,” which promptly kills the mood.

Get it?  As I said already, I never understood why people thought these shows were any good.

Furniture to Go – “Pool Table”

In the 1990s, if one was asked about humorous repair shows on television, the press-the-buzzer answer for most Americans would have been Home Improvement, the ABC sitcom that starred Tim Allen as President of the Binford Tool Company and the host of the DIY home improvement show “Tool Time.”

Furniture to Go

Ed Feldman (left) and Joe L’Erario, hosts of Furniture to Go

But, for a small population of Philadelphians, humorous repair was synonymous with Joe L’Erario and Ed Feldman, stars of The Learning Channel series Furniture to Go, which aired from 1993 to 1997.  The two furniture repairmen from the City of Brotherly Love somehow carved out a niche and developed a loyal following in the crowded how-to television genre by intertwining their bonhomie and bad humor with cinematic references and an easygoing approach to their craft.

Over the course of four years, the pair channeled their restorative powers toward a panoply of furniture, from French Deco cocktail tables and walnut pews to poplar armoires, mahogany throne chairs, and Old World roll-top desks.  And, in 1996, for their 49th episode “Pool Table,” they tackled – you guessed it – the refurbishing of an old pool table.  The full episode is available to watch here.

Like most Furniture to Go episodes, “Pool Table” begins with a cinematic interstitial. Mr. Feldman plays Minnesota Fats, and Mr. L’Erario plays Bert Gordon, in a black-and-white parody of The Hustler, which also randomly weaves in a reference to “my friend Harvey” from The Honeymooners billiards episode “The Bensonhurst Bomber.” (Other episodes have lampooned films, such as Arsenic and Old Lace, A Clockwork Orange, and On the Waterfront.)

After the clip, Mr. Feldman and Mr. L’Erario take the viewer to Monarch Billiards in Crum Lynne, Pennsylvania, where they have been contracted by the owner to repair an ash pool table (as opposed to the nearby $56,000 table with ­the Carpathian Elm aprons and legs with hand-carved mahogany lions).

Furniture to GoWith table in hand, they return to their studio to begin the restoration, which includes three stages: (1) refinishing the wood; (2) repairing the leather pockets; and (3) refelting the table. Though each stage is intended to be straight-forward, there are a sufficient number of steps involved to make one admire the difficulty of the artistry from afar.

For example, in the first phase, when Mr. L’Erario seeks to replace the “ugliest color finish he’s ever seen,” he takes the viewer through the following steps: sanding, cleaning, tack ragging, masking off, mixing (clear lacquer, burnt sienna japan color, and red mahogany stain), straining the mix, adding fisheye destroyer, spraying, adding a second layer of color (pure golden oak), spraying again, and finally, spraying a semi-gloss lacquer.

All the while, the duo engage in a series of terrible jokes, many with a nod to movies and celebrities.  Describing the legs of the pool table, Mr. Feldman says, “These legs aren’t that attractive either…They’re kind of like my aunt’s leg.” To which Mr. L’Erario replies, “They’re kind of like Ernest Borgnine’s legs.” Referring to the flattening agent in the semi-gloss lacquer, Mr. Feldman asks, “Flattening agent? Is that what Kate Moss uses?”

By the end of “Pool Table,” after the pockets have been treated with mink oil and the rails have been refelted using a rawhide hammer to secure the fabric beneath the splines, the table is reassembled using just a ratchet wrench (“Use the Ratchet. Miss Ratchet. Nurse Ratchet.”), and becomes the setting for a friendly game of billiards.

Though Furniture to Go only lasted a few years, the repair pair have channeled their skills and zany charm through a variety of off-camera activities, including authoring The Furniture Guys Book in 1999 and teaching classes at the Art Institute of Philadelphia and the University of Pennsylvania, as well as have appeared on numerous talk shows, such as Good Morning America, Regis and Cathy Lee, Maury Povich and The View.

However, for true zealots of the show, the great news may be the team’s return to television.  In March 2017, a pre-production announcement for their new show The Old Furniture Guys lit up YouTube. For everyone who can’t wait to watch and once again wish to see these guys “lay down some gorgeous Charlie Sheens,” your prayers may have been finally answered.

Mr. Show – “Van Hammersly”

American History. Science.  Mathematics. Taught by the wrong educator, these can be dry subjects. But, what if you could learn about these subjects in an exciting, entertaining format from a world-wide billiards champion using nothing more than a pool table, balls, and cues?

That would be genius!  Or, if not genius, than downright, gut-busting, absurd.

Van HammerslySuch was the premise of the 1996 “Van Hammersly” sketch from Season 2, Episode 4, of the Emmy-nominated HBO comedy series Mr. Show, starring and hosted by Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.

Across the 30 episodes that aired between November 1995 and December 1998, Mr. Show lampooned everything from traditionalism to capitalism to organized religion with hilarious sketches that earned the show the 3rd greatest sketch comedy TV show of all time, according to Rolling Stone.[1]

Today, most people associate Mr. Odenkirk with the dubious, silver-tongued lawyer Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad and its spin-off Better Call Saul.  But, long before assuming the role of the smooth-talking attorney, Mr. Odenkirk portrayed a plethora of memorable characters on Mr. Show, including Van Hammersly, a cheeseball billiards champ hawking a line of educational video cassettes that are equivalent to earning your GED.  You can watch the full “Van Hammersly” sketch here.

The 150-second faux infomercial is must-see TV.  “Van Hammersly” begins with an introduction his first videocassette, “I Oughta Be in Pictures,” which “showcases his incredible talent and passion for the golden age of film.”  Featuring billiards balls named after Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart (“Judy, Judy, Judy”)[2] and the Three Stooges, Van Hammersly engages with, and then pockets, the balls as they interact at a 1952 Hollywood Awards show.

In the second video, we’re “off to the races as Van recounts the running of the 1974 Kentucky Derby the only way he knows how – with a pool table!”  Shooting each ball (horse) into a pocket, Van Hammersley details the race, rattling off with gusto a series of fictional equines:  Mr. Fasthorse, Papa’s Delicate Condition, Kystallnacht, Batman: The Horse, Nice ‘N’ Sticky, Stinkfinger, If Mandy Patinkin Was a Horse, and (“bringing up the rear”), Ol’ Felcher.[3]

Van HammerslyOther videos in Van’s series detail the history of mass transportation; science; mathematics; American history (“And that’s when Lincoln said [sinking the ball] don’t dis my homies.”); Renaissance painting, oceanography, corn futures, belly dancing; December 7th, 1941; billiards, rock lyrics, and many, many more!

Whether because of the memorable nut-job one-liners, the signature physical gestures, or the ludicrous concept, “Van Hammersly” often ranks among the most popular of the 157 Mr. Show sketches.[4]

And yet, ironically, the concept of teaching academic subjects through billiards is neither fictitious nor far-fetched.  Many probably remember watching in elementary school the 27-minute educational vignette Donald in Mathmagic Land that explains math angles to Donald Duck through a game of three-cushion billiards.  In a similar vein (though very poorly executed), the Australian Commonwealth Unit commissioned a series of educational “message films” in 1972. One such short film was “The Billiard Room” which lamely tried to teach the adult learning process through a game of snooker.

More recently, the National Film Board of Canada aired the “Let’s Play Long Billiards” episode of their Discover Science television series in which they explain the effects of colliding forces through a massive game of billiards. And in January 2015, the Science Channel’s wonderful series Outrageous Acts of Science featured billiards trick shot artist Florian “Venom” Kohler in an episode of “Fact or Faked” which asked real scientists to explain the science behind his improbable shots.

Maybe “Van Hammersly” is not so preposterous after all.  Anyone up for a billiards lesson on Zombies in Popular Media? Patternmaking for Dog Garments? Queer Musicology? Science from Superheroes?[5]

[1]        “40 Greatest Sketch-Comedy TV Shows of All Time,” Rolling Stone, March 27, 2015.

[2]    The best part is while the origin of the “Judy, Judy, Judy” line is murky, it is always attributed to Cary Grant, not Humphrey Bogart. http://www.carygrant.net/articles/judy.htm

[3]       Still don’t get the pun?  Look it up. #NSFW.

[4]      http://www.vulture.com/2015/11/every-mr-show-sketch-ranked.html

[5]       Yes, these really are the names of courses currently taught on college campuses. (http://socawlege.com/the-15-most-ridiculous-college-courses-you-wont-believe-are-being-taught/)

Lovejoy – “The Colour of Mary”

When historians chronicle the origins of billiards, they frequently cite Mary, Queen of Scots, as one of the sport’s earliest and most famous enthusiasts.

Colour of Mary

Painting of Mary, Queen of Scots, by Nicholas Hilliard. The painting resides at the National Portrait Gallery in London.

Mary ruled over Scotland for almost 25 years in the mid-16th century. When she claimed she was the legitimate heir to the throne of England, the current queen, Elizabeth I, had her confined to various castles.  One of the last prisons for Mary was Tutbury Castle, where she was moved to in 1585.  Under the guardianship of the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, she was treated kindly and was granted her request to have a billiards table on the premises.

However, her time at Tutbury was short-lived.  She was subsequently moved to Fotheringay Castle, without her billiards table.  There, she was found guilty of plotting to assassinate Elizabeth and was beheaded in 1587. According to reports from her lady-in-waiting, her headless body was wrapped in the cloth from the billiards table.

Now, fast-forward about 400 years.  Charlie Gimbert, a sleazy antiques dealer, has inherited the management of fallen snooker champion Murray McNally, who insists his game depends on the procurement of Mary, Queen of Scots’ billiards table.  To find the table, Gimbert contracts Lovejoy, a rougish dealer, and sics him on the impossible fool’s errand with a promise of a big payoff if he successfully secures the trophy.

Colour of MaryWell, that’s at least the premise of “The Colour of Mary” episode of the British comedy-drama series Lovejoy.  First aired in 1986, Lovejoy follows the antique-hunting adventures of the eponymous Lovejoy (Ian McShane).  The series had a five-year gap between its first and second seasons, which is why this particular episode aired in January, 1993, during the fourth season.

“The Colour of Mary,” with an obvious cultural nod to The Color of Money, begins with Lovejoy’s well-intended pursuit of the mythical table. Unfortunately, after connecting with antique historians and visiting the famed Fotheringay Castle, it becomes clear to Lovejoy that the table no longer exists, most likely incinerated hundreds of years ago along with all of Mary’s possessions.

Expecting that neither Gimbert (Malcom Tierney) nor McNally (Alex Norton) know the table’s true history, Lovejoy proceeds to create a forgery, using some early baize and nailing it to an Elizabethan table.  The table is put up for auction by an estate, and Gimbert buys it for £15,000 with the intent of showing it to McNally.  But, surprise, surprise, McNally was acting in his own ruse, and upon seeing the table, proceeds to demolish it, citing his militant preference for snooker over billiards.

This curious coda seems intent on fanning the flames of a ‘snooker versus billiards’ rivalry, but I strongly question whether such a dogfight exists.  More to the point, any player that would take an axe to an antique billiards table is truly not deserving of his cue stick.

“The Colour of Mary” also include an exhibition snooker match with real world snooker champion Dennis Taylor, but his presence does little to save this rather uneven episode.

The full episode is available for purchase on YouTube.

Fresh Off the Boat – “Keep ‘Em Separated”

In my previous blog post, on the 2014 movie Second Chance, I highlighted that it was the first film to originate from Taiwan focused on billiards, which was ironic, given nearly 10% of the Taiwanese population plays billiards, second only to baseball in sports popularity.

Fresh Off the BoatFor this reason then, it’s hardly surprising that the ABC sitcom Fresh Off the Boat, about a Taiwanese family’s journey from Washington DC’s Chinatown to Orlando, Florida, prominently featured billiards in its March 2016 Season 2 episode, “Keep ‘Em Separated.”

Fresh Off the Boat, now in its third season, is the first American sitcom in more than 20 years to prominently feature an Asian-American family on a major network during a primetime slot. Starring Randall Park as Louis Huang and the comically sharp Constance Wu as his wife Jessica, the show highlights daily life as the family opens a cowboy-themed steak restaurant in 1995.

In “Keep ‘Em Separated,” the premise is that Louis now has a lot of free time because he’s no longer personally responsible for closing the restaurant. That’s creating a lot of tension on the home front, since Louis is continually interrupting Jessica’s ‘girl time’ with her next door BFF Honey.  Deciding that he should get back into pool, Jessica surprises her husband by unveiling his retired now re-tipped cue stick, Black Ball Betty, which Louis explains is “not a bo staff [but] a different kind of weapon…a two piece low deflection maple staff pool cue.”

Emboldened by the reunion with Black Ball Betty, Louis – aka Louis Short Pocket – heads over to the Cue Tips Pool Hall, where he has a great night: “Cheap beer, non-stop [George] Thorogood on the jukebox, the smell of Camel Lights and desperation.” This pleases Jessica silly, until she learns that Louis’ billiards partner is a woman named Toni.

Fresh Off the BoatThe introduction of Toni (Angelique Cabral) provides the episode’s funniest moments.  Entering Cue Tips to the sound of Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet,” a “song that can make everything sexy,” Toni struts out in stiletto heels, skin-tight black jeans, and a spaghetti strap top, then delicately blows billows of red chalk dust into the air from the tip of her cue stick.

Jessica, who subscribes to the When Harry Met Sally school of thought that men and women cannot be friends, immediately interrogates Toni, with both needle-sharp questions (“Why did your parents name you Toni?  It’s a man’s name.”) and over-the-top comments (“You have no power here, witch…you heard me, demon.”)

The madcap situation continues when Jessica insists that Louis drop Toni and make her his partner instead.  Expectations run high as Jessica then enters the pool hall to ZZ Top’s “La Grange” in red heels, black leather pants, and wind (?!) blowing her hair.  But, the fantasy quickly crash lands back on Planet Earth, with Jessica swapping the heels for Keds, missing simple shots, and using all the quarters on the table to put Amy Grant on repeat on the jukebox. She laments, “Pool is so boring, there is so much standing around…it’s worse than baseball.”

The episode comes to closure as Jessica ultimately concedes she doesn’t want to be a “wet blanket wife” and realizes that Louis will have far more fun shooting with someone who can play.  That said, she still insists, “no touching and always show the wedding ring.”

Unfortunately, while “Keep ‘Em Separated” provides its share of good laughs, it is completely lacking in good pool.  Admittedly, I was hopeful, as I first learned about the existence of this episode from Trickshot Tim Chin, who was the billiards technical advisor during filming.   But, as Tim posted in his December 2015 blog:

It came together real fast with the director calling me the week beforehand and I was glad I wasn’t busy. I got to coach Randall Park, who plays Louis Huang, and Angelique Cabral, who plays Tony, on how to look like a pool player. Unfortunately, the team didn’t really put my trick shot skills to great use due to the time constraints of filming, but the actors did quite well on their own and improved tremendously in the short time I had with them.[1]

The Fresh Off the Boat “Keep ‘Em Separated” episode is available to purchase through YouTube.

[1]      http://www.trickshottim.com/learn/trick-shot-tim-pool-ta/

 

Mystery Diners – “Behind the Eight Ball”

Based on posted reviews and garnered awards, you would be mighty foolish to visit Portland, Oregon, and not spend an evening dining and playing pool at the Uptown Billiards Club, located in the city’s Pearl District.  The upscale restaurant-cum-pool-hall is rated 4.8 (out of 5) on Open Table, 4.6 (out of 5) on Facebook, and 4 (out of 5) on Yelp, and it has been recognized as a Top 100 “Fit For Foodies” restaurant, as well as a Top 10 restaurant in the Pearl District.  Have you seen the Big Daddy Burger or the signature Bacon, Pear & Fontina Pizza?  They look absolutely sumptuous, and don’t even get me started on the “themed” five course tasting menu…

Mystery DinersThus, it’s hard to imagine why the club’s owner, Kent Lewis, genuinely felt the need to go on the reality show Mystery Diners and spy on his newly hired “social media expert” to validate his usefulness.  But, that’s exactly the premise of the “Behind the Eight Ball” episode, which aired in November 2014 as part of the series’ eighth season.  The episode is available for purchase on YouTube.

Mystery Diners is yet another undercover reality show (e.g., Undercover Boss; Restaurant Stakeout) that covertly monitors employees at work.  Airing on the Food Network and hosted by the wooden Charles Stiles, owner of Business Evaluation Services and Mystery Shopper Services, the series relishes the use of hidden cameras and microphones, and disguised actors, to learn first-hand what happens when the boss is away.

The series, which has about as much tension as Judge Judy, “has been accused of being both completely fake and scripted,” according to WaitWithUs.  “Several people claiming to be involved with both Stiles’ companies and restaurants that have been featured on the show have come forward and stated that not everything broadcast on the series is real.” [1] And, in fact, each episode ends with a graphic stating, “Certain events may have been re-enacted for dramatic purposes.”

All of which brings us back to the proprietor’s curious decision to appear on Mystery Diners.  As Mr. Lewis states, his challenge is trying to “change the perception of a pool hall,” as he cannot exactly “invest in marketing because upscale pool room is an oxymoron.”  So, he hires Sonny, a “social media expert” to bring in new customers, but he requires Mr. Stiles to evaluate the return on his social media investment.

This is a little hard to swallow for several reasons.  First, Uptown Billiards states prominently on their website: “We don’t pay advertisers or publicists to toot our horn, we believe in word-of-mouth.” Okay, not sure how that jibes with the decision to hire Sonny.  Then, there is the not-so-complicated question of how to evaluate a social media expert, besides through elaborate reality television reconnaissance.  How about Facebook likes? Instagram posts?   It took me 15 minutes on these various sites to conclude Uptown Billiards has little social media presence.  With 210 followers on Twitter (and that’s more than 2 years after the episode aired), I think it’s a safe call Sonny didn’t exactly excel at his job.

As the name suggests, Uptown Billiards not only has a mouth-watering menu, but also is home to 10 Brunswick pool tables: eight 4’x8’s and two tournament-sized in a private room.  Ultimately, Sonny is undone by the printing and distribution of coupons to his friends to use these tables for free, all of which is captured on tape rather unconvincingly.

Mystery DinersBut, that “gotcha!” moment is far more credible than the cornball – and clearly staged – reveal of Bri, the new bartender, not only playing pool while she’s working, but gambling too.  What’s more, Bri is apparently in cahoots with the drunkard she beat on the table.  The secret camera shows Bri lining up a pigeon to get hustled, pretending to pour liquor into the drunkard’s glass, and receiving a pay-off. As Mr. Lewis line-reads, “I grew up in a pool hall and I’ve known hustlers my whole life.  This [drunk guy at the table] is a hustler… [and Bri] is a shill…she’s the person who baits the person with the real money.”

Anyone who thinks this scene is real is probably deserving of a hustle.  Bri clearly cannot shoot pool, as evidenced by her stance and the producer’s inability to capture a decent unedited shot. The tosspot at the table playing air guitar with his cue stick looks too drunk to dupe anyone. And there’s no reason for Bri to receive a payoff after each game. The roping should be an all-night affair, with a payoff at the end.

Mystery Diners Sure enough, Bri is played by an actress, Bri Schreiber. The “Behind the Eight Ball” role is listed in on her website. Interestingly, her email includes the phrase “jimmistick,” which is a word for a sawed-off cue stick.  So, perhaps Ms. Schreiber does have some pool DNA in her?  And, more weirdly, her LinkedIn profile shows her as still working at Uptown Billiards…as a roulette dealer?!

In any event, regardless of the veracity of in “Behind the Eight Ball,” the episode seemed to have little impact on Uptown Billiards.  There were no noticeable spikes in social media followers and no online reviews citing the episode as a reason for visiting.  Even Mr. Lewis appears a little unenthused, judging from his Facebook post.  Maybe that’s because he’ll forever be haunted by his closing words, “Thank you Charles for helping me rack up these hustlers and put them behind the eight ball.”

[1]       Reality TV Fake! Food Network Show ‘Mystery Diners’ Caught Up In Scandal For Faking It

The Dick Van Dyke Show – “Hustling the Hustler”

It is difficult to overstate the impact The Hustler had on the game of pool in the United States.  Released in October 1961, the movie saved the game of pool from “passing into oblivion,” according to pool historian Mike Shamos.[1]  The Billiards Congress of America noted that after the movie came out “new rooms opened all over the country and for the remainder of the 60’s pool flourished.”[2]

Hustlin' the HustlerThe cultural resonance of the film was also immense.  Since its release The Hustler has been referenced in dialogue or through imagery in more than 65 movies and television episodes, according to IMDB, including The Cincinnati Kid (1965); Wandering Ginza Butterfly (1972); The Odd Couple (1973); The Wanderers (1979); The Outsiders (1983); The Simpsons (1994); Trainspotting (1996); Poolhall Junkies (2002); Nip/Tuck (2007); and NCIS (2009), to name a few.

Certainly, one of the first cultural connections was The Dick Van Dyke Show episode, “Hustling the Hustler,” which aired just one year after the movie’s release, as part of the CBS sitcom’s second season. In fact, not only is the episode’s title a direct reference to the film, but also one of the characters in the episode mentions he’s seen “that movie with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason.”

As ‘60s television viewers will recall, The Dick Van Dyke Show ran for five seasons, garnering 15 Emmy Awards.  Starring Dick Van Dyke as Rob Petrie, the head writer of the fictitious The Alan Brady Show, the series largely revolved around his work and home life. The series also starred Morey Amsterdam as Rob’s co-writer Buddy Sorrell and Mary Tyler Moore as Rob’s wife Laura.

Hustlin' the HustlerIn the episode “Hustling the Hustler,” Rob invites Buddy’s estranged yet charming brother Blackie (Phil Leeds) to his house for dinner and a friendly game of billiards in the Petrie household basement.  But, Rob is unaware of Blackie’s pool hustling background, which had been established in an earlier strained exchange between Buddy and Blackie.

According to Rob, Laura gave him the pool table to “keep him off the streets.”  Referring to her husband, Laura then warns Blackie (in another direct reference to The Hustler), “[Rob] is a real hustler. You’ve heard of Minnesota Fats. This is Illinois Skinny.”[3] Rob also jibes, “I’ll let my pool cue speak for me. This way, pigeon.”

Given the episode’s title, there’s no surprise how the game will unfold.  As part of the upfront setup, Blackie plays the pool-fool, commenting on the “nice white ball” and guessing that chalking the cue helps reduce friction.  Blackie then asks Rob if he’s a hustler, and Rob replies, “No, but I could have been.  My wife won’t let me go to pool halls alone.”

Blackie then breaks, feigning unfamiliarity with the term “break” as well as with how to hold a cue.  With some coaching from Rob, he successfully breaks, only to sink the 8-ball.  (This scene, unfortunately, has two fundamental errors.  First, it’s clear that assuming the balls were racked correctly, it was not the 8-ball that got pocketed. And second, Rob indicates that sinking the 8-ball on the break is an automatic loss, which is not accurate, per BCA rules.)

Rob wins a few and goes up 5-1, but ultimately, lets his overconfidence become his undoing, as he quickly amasses a $300 debt (equivalent to $2400 in 2016) to Blackie.  The humor from the episode comes in watching Rob’s physical transformation.  As one blogger noted, “the moment when Rob realizes what he’s gotten himself into offers yet another chance for [Dick Van Dyke] one of the masters of facial comedy to provide us with a pitch-perfect comic expression.”[4]

Of course, since The Dick Van Dyke Show was largely wholesome storytelling, the episode cannot end with Rob getting fleeced. Rather, Blackie tears up the $300 check to prove to his estranged brother that he is no longer the pool hustler he once was.

The full “Hustling the Hustler” episode is available to watch here.

[1]       http://www.espn.com/page2/s/closer/020617.html

[2]       A Brief History of the Noble Game of Billiards by Mike Shamos 

[3]       “Hustling the Hustler” would not be the last show to provide a comic twist on the name of Walter Tevis’ fictitious pool shark Minnesota Fats.  In the 1970 “Armando and the Pool Table” episode of The Flying Nun, the Minnesota Fats of San Tanco plays the “Minneapolis Skinny of the Convent.”  And, in 1971, Don Adams played Skittle Pool against “Wisconsin Skinny” in a memorable commercial for the toy game.

[4]  

Auction Kings – “Rolling Stones Snooker Table”

There is clearly a market for celebrity pool tables.

In 1998, a snooker table custom made for the Rolling Stones’ Voodoo Lounge tour sold at auction for $12,075. In 2007, an Adler Victorian-style carved-walnut pool table, which had been customized for musician Ozzy Osbourne, sold at auction for $11,250.  A year later, the Brunswick table that actor Glen Ford had spent countless hours using  to play celebrities such as John Wayne and Frank Sinatra, went for nearly $8000 in a Heritage auction.

Rolling Stones snooker table

from the Voodoo Lounge tour

So, it was not outrageous for Gallery 63 owner Paul Brown to think that he could make a pretty penny auctioning a snooker table that had been customized for, and used by, the Rolling Stones as part of their 1989 Steel Wheels Tour.  Such is the setup for “Rolling Stones Snooker Table/Aliens,” the fourth episode of the first season of Auction Kings, a reality television series produced by Authentic Entertainment for the Discovery Channel.

Airing in November 2010, the Auction Kings episode, available to watch here, begins with Donald Dukes, the founder and creative talent behind handcrafted table maker Atlantic Billiards, walking into Mr. Brown’s auction house in Sandy Springs, Georgia, looking to sell a custom 12-foot snooker table that he built for the Rolling Stone to bring on tour.

This was not the first time Mr. Dukes had been called upon by the Rolling Stones to build a snooker table.  He built a total of five tables for the band and for its lead guitarist Keith Richards, including the aforementioned Voodoo Lounge tour table, which had been crafted from 1,400 pounds of slate playing surface from Italy, worsted wool cloth from Belgium, gum-rubber rail cushions from England, and maple cue sticks from Canada, according to the Christie’s auction site.[1] Mr. Dukes even joined the band on tours in order to maintain the tables.

(It is now well-documented that the Rolling Stones include in their concert tour rider that the promoter installs a snooker table backstage.  Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood wrote in his 2007 autobiography Ronnie: “The gig organizer is also obliged to set up a snooker table for Keith [Richards] and me – it’s a non-negotiable part of the contract. We always have a game before a concert.”[2])

Rolling Stones snooker table

from the Steel Wheels tour

For the Steel Wheels tour table, which was decorated with names of classic Rolling Stones’ hits, had legs mounted with replicas of John Pasche’s famous 1970 “Tongue and Lips” artwork, and included “ironclad provenance – [Mr. Dukes] and Keith Richards shooting a game on it,” the desired price was at least $4,000. “If all goes well, we will use the cash for 2nd honeymoon for our 40th anniversary,” says Mr. Dukes.

At the time right before the episode’s airing, enthusiasts on the AZBilliards Forum opined that the table should command a significant price.  Estimated ranged from “at least 4K” or “around 8K” to 15K and even 25K.[3]

In the actual episode, an appraiser values the table itself at $3,500 but quickly adds that its celebrity provenance is the true wild card which could favorably impact the value.  Owner Mr. Brown robotically follows up, “I’m hoping the fact it was indeed the Rolling Stones’ snooker table will drive the value up in a Jumping Jack Flash.”

“Rolling Stones Snooker Table/Aliens” ends with the auction, which also includes the sale of some African art and life-size aliens that are also highlighted throughout the episode.  With Mr. Dukes in the audience, the auctioneer begins the bidding at $1250.  An anonymous call-in buyer drives up the price, ultimately buying the table for $4000. Though Mr. Dukes only received his minimum asking price, he seems content; Mr. Brown, too, is relieved, though the lackluster bid prices for some of the other auction items leads him to surmise that there is bad luck in the air.

The theme of bad luck was a motif the show’s producers ran throughout the episode, starting with the scratching of winless lottery tickets and ending with Mr. Brown unwittingly walking beneath a ladder.  Such superstitious events were undoubtedly inserted to build the show’s narrative.

But, ironically, the bad luck gimmicks may have been a real omen.  The series Auction Kings ended in 2013, and Mr. Brown’s auction house Gallery 63 closed in March, 2015.  And, according to an AZBilliards Forum post from NoBull9, who spoke with one of the table’s assemblers, the $4000 deal fell through and the table was locked up in a warehouse, still for sale.[4]

[1]       http://www.christies.com.cn/lotfinder/LotDetailsPrintable.aspx?intObjectID=606212

[2]       http://www.backstageauctions.com/catalog/1587-rolling-stones-1994-one-of-a-kind-voodoo-lounge-tour-used-pool-table/ai/0/24241/

[3]      http://forums.azbilliards.com/showthread.php?t=207833

[4]       http://forums.azbilliards.com/showthread.php?t=207833