Up Against the 8 Ball, the 2004 billiards comedy directed by Troy Curvey Jr on a shoestring budget, packs a wallop of positivity into its 90 minutes. Overcoming obstacles, pursuing higher education, helping one’s neighbor – all these uplifting themes get ample on-screen treatment. But, no amount of feel-good moralism can save this film from its slim-jim plot, insipid script, bad acting, and horrible billiards sequences.
The film begins with Krista (Iva La’Shawn) and Monique (Tawny Dahl), two women who just lost their scholarship funding their tuition at a historically black college, needing to find $10,000 to complete their final semester and graduate. After ruling out robbing a bank and stripping, the girls decide to compete in the Protect Your Stick Condoms National Pool Tournament, which has a $50,000 winner-take-all award. This should be easy, according to Krista, who was raised shooting billiards by her father, a well-known pool hustler. (The origin of Monique’s skills are not revealed.)
The first step is to win the regional doubles tournament, where they get exposed to a rogues’ gallery of paper-thin opponents, including: Marcus (a local lothario) and his partner Fat Tony (who succeeds in making shots only by equating balls with similarly colored food – e.g., the 1-ball is corn-on-the-cob, the 6-ball is collard greens, the cue ball is mashed potatoes); two Irish priests; an ignoramus that talks about the need to “use English instead of Spanish”; and most offensive, an Asian duo accused of using their “kung fu” to win. (Interesting note: one of the Asian opponents is played by James Kyson, who years later would star as Ando on NBC’s hit show Heroes as well as get named by TV Guide as one of “Hollywood’s 25 Hottest.”)
The ladies win the tournament, which is hard to believe given the actresses are clearly uncomfortable holding cue sticks and the only shots shown on screen are incredibly simple ones. Victory clinched, the women head to Las Vegas, accompanied by their stereotypical gay friend Fruity Jackson (T. Ashanti Mozelle). Expecting they’ll be treated like royalty when they arrive, they are instead dropped off at a squalid depot, where friendly hookers roam under the watchful eye of JT (Jay Cooper), a soft-spoken “not your traditional kind of pimp.” JT quickly befriends Krista and Monique, and after confirming they are not seeking to work the streets, drives them to the Tasmahall Hotel (and not the Taj Mahal Hotel, as the ladies hoped). Once at the hotel, there is some comic relief provided by the proprietor, played by Arnez J, an emerging comic recognizable on BET.
Eventually, after a series of distracting and uninteresting scenes – a budding romance between JT and Monique; an attempt by Marcus to drug (and presumably rape) Krista; Fruity’s efforts to secure the $1,000 tournament registration fee; a schlubby mob boss trying to rig the tournament by recruiting Caroline, a well-known hustler – the tournament begins.
And, wow, is this some painful pool to watch. It’s as if the technical advising was done by a team of 2nd-graders. No one knows how to play. The incredulity and lack of humor hit their nadir when the final match narrows down to our collegiate ladies versus Caroline and her lesbian partner. With Caroline & Co. clearly winning, Monique resorts to baring some midriff and thigh, thereby distracting Caroline and making her partner so jealous that she forfeits in anger.
For a film that includes such virtuous (albeit vapid), dialogue as, “This is our only chance to graduate and make something of ourselves,” it’s amazing and disturbing how much of the film traffics in two-dimensional stereotypes and derogatory comments, such as referring to the final match as the “collegiate chicks [against] the lesbian hos.” Somewhere stuck between crude comedy and righteous homily sits Up Against the 8 Ball, which makes for a pretty terrible movie.
Up Against the 8 Ball is available to watch online or on DVD.
