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Top 10 Billiards Songs and Music Videos

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billiards lyricsI had never paid much attention to Rod Stewart, but I was in my car, listening absentmindedly to “Maggie May” (1971) on Classic Vinyl, when I was KO’d by the lyrics, “I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school. Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool.” Alas, the situation does not end so well for our forlorn narrator, but my mind had already forgotten the poor sap and started to wonder what other songs prominently featured billiards, whether lyrically or visually. I therefore present my Top 10 Billiards Songs and Music Videos for your consumption, amusement, and critique. This list consists of 5 songs with great billiards videos and 5 songs with great billiards verses. Enjoy!

  1. “The Pool Shark” (lyrics). Written by Tom T. Hall and recorded by country music artist Dave Dudley in 1970, this lead single tells the story of a hustler getting hustled. The narrator, who had been “known to hustle a few,” misreads his opponent badly. When the narrator raises the stakes, his opponent brings out a custom cue with “gold initials in a leather grip pearly and silver inlaid tip” and proceeds to “make those balls and table talk…speaking English” until the narrator is out “187 bucks and a ring.”
  1. “Stronger Than Me” (video). Dead from alcohol poisoning at the age of 27, the genre-bending, husky-voiced Amy Winehouse released this 2004 debut single from her debut album Frank. The song is about Winehouse debasing her boyfriend for failing to be a more dominant and present partner. The video follows the song’s lyrics, with the boyfriend getting sloppy-drunk while playing pool on purple-felt tables. Winehouse is shown making only one shot in the video, though off-screen she was known for her billiards skills, having posthumously even earned the moniker, “The Demon of the Pool Table.”

  1. “The Snooker Song” (lyrics). In 1986, composer Mike Batt assembled an all-star ensemble, including Roger Daltrey, Art Garfunkel, John Hurt and Julian Lennon, to record The Hunting of the Snark, a concept album based on Lewis Carroll’s poem of the same name. The album was withdrawn but re-released in 2010. Act Two includes “The Snooker Song,” sung by Captain Sensible (who founded the punk rock band The Damned) as the Billiard Maker. The lyrics primarily consist of the Billiard Maker, who is “famed for his aim” and can get a “break of fifty-eight (maybe more?),” repeatedly taunting his opponent by saying, “I’m going to be snookering you tonight.” The “Snooker Song” was also the theme to the British billiards game show Big Break.
  1. “I Can’t Dance” (video). Genesis, the English rock band fronted by lead vocalist Phil Collins, released the 1991 album We Can’t Dance, which included the single, “I Can’t Dance.” Half way through the music video, which is about the artifice and false glamour of television commercials, Phil Collins enters a pool hall where the unctuous proprietor insists he wager his blue jeans in a game of pool if he wants to stay. The sequence is a reference to (and parody of) the 1991 Levi Jeans “Pool Hall” commercial, which featured The Clash song, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that was the inspiration for the main riff of the Genesis song. Of course, in the commercial, the pants stayed on; in the video, Collins was not so lucky.

  1. “Rack ‘Em Up” (lyrics). Grammy-winning, American blues guitarist Jonny Lang, who has toured with everyone from the Rolling Stones to Aerosmith, released the 1997 album Lie to Me, which included this four-minute ode to billiards, written by Lang’s pianist Bruce McCabe. The brilliant lyrics talk about the opportunity to go down to Jack’s Pool Hall and play the resident ace, who only ever said “rack ‘em up” until “the day he was dead.” Best line: “I tell him listen son, ain’t no disaster |There ain’t no shame in being beat by a master.”
  1. “Sink the Pink” (video). On their ninth studio album, Australian bad boys Angus and Malcolm Young, the founding brothers of the legendary hard rock band AC/DC, released the 1985 song “Sink the Pink,” which is about sex and alcohol, naturally, with scant mention of pool. The video, however, features the gradual entry of Susie Cue, a high-heeled, pink-clad lady, who brings her own custom pink cue to the barroom, where she first challenges, and later dances, with a local patron. Also featured in the video is a conspicuously pink 3-ball and an animated fly, whose facial gestures are as memorable as Angus Young’s signature school boy shorts. (Note: AC/DC also featured clips of trick shot billiards wizard Florian “Venom” Kohler in the video to their 2014 song “Play Ball.”)

  1. “The Baron” (lyrics). In 1984, Gary Nelson directed famed man-in-black Johnny Cash in the made-for-TV-movie The Baron and the Kid, based on his 1980 tune “The Baron” from his 66th album of the same name. Peaking at number 10 on the US Country charts, “The Baron” tells the story about the pool hall showdown between The Baron and his son Billy Joe to determine who shoots “the meanest game around.” The Baron is repeatedly the 8-ball winner until Billy Joe, in a fit of rage, bets “this ring on one more game against [the Baron’s] fancy stick.” When the Baron realizes the ring belonged to his estranged wife, the family ties crystallize for him, and the deadbeat dad laments that had he not run out on his family, “maybe [Billy Joe] would shoot straighter than [he does].”
  1. “Snooker Loopy” (video). English pop rock duo Chas & Dave released the humorous single “Snooker Loopy” in 1986 with back-up vocals from the Matchroom Mob, a quintet of famous snooker professionals employed by promoter Barry Hearn’s company Matchroom Sport. If the lyrics are absurd (“We’ll show you what we can do |With a load of balls and a snooker cue.”), then the video, which features the five legends — Steve Davis, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne, and Terry Griffiths – acting out the lyrics is downright preposterous, such as when the balding Mr. Thorne chalks his pate because “when the light shines down on his bare crown…it’s not fair giving off that glare.”

  1. “Ya Got Trouble” (lyrics). One of the most recognizable songs from the Tony Award-winning 1957 Best Musical The Music Man is “Ya Got Trouble,” written by composer Meredith Wilson. Sung by the smooth-talking, traveling salesman Harold Hill, who is determined to convince the citizens of River City, Iowa, to fund his idea for a boys’ marching band rather than a pool hall, the song conveys what could happen if they choose the pool hall. The lyrics are genius, with references from everything to three-rail billiards shots to Balkline, though my favorite verse is: “You got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table. | Pockets that mark the diff’rence |Between a gentlemen and a bum, | With a capital “B,” |And that rhymes with “P” and that stands for pool!”
  1. “Bad to the Bone” (video). There was never any question about which billiards video would rule the roost. Of course, that honor goes to the 1982 video “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers. Benefiting from heavy rotation on a nascent MTV, the video featured Thorogood competing in a billiards match with blues pioneer Bo Diddley. Billiards Hall of Famer Willie Mosconi appears in the video at 3:00 to make a large wager on Diddley, but it is Thorogood who prevails with his iconic 8-ball shot in which the ball appears to fall in the pocket as Thorogood flicks a large quantity of his cigar ash onto the floor.

So, there’s my Top 10. Did I slight the Maryland rockers Clutch for not including their single “Mob Goes Wild,” with a video featuring one of the all-time pool-hall beat-downs? Should I have cited the video for “Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik” by Southern hip-hip duo OutKast? Or, what about the lyrics to “Pool Shark” from New York ska pioneers The Toasters? Hopefully, this list provokes thought, if not outrage. And if so, let me know what you would have included on your top 10.

Special thanks to the creators of the following two websites for spurring my thinking:

 

The Road Scholars

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Do you know what a tush-hog is? When you hear the name “Daddy Warbucks,” do you picture Hubert Cokes rather than the bald guy from Annie? If someone says to you he has “the nuts,” do you realize he’s not talking about salty snacks?

Road ScholarsIf you answered “no” to these questions, then watching The Road Scholars is like attending your third cousin’s 50th high school reunion and sipping rum punch while no one offers you even ten seconds of attention. However, if you answered “yes,” then you’re likely going to bask in your front row seat to 70 minutes of war stories delivered by some of the most famous and fabulous pool hustlers of the 1960s and 1970s.

Filmed in 2008 at the annual Derby City Classic by pool photographer and historian Diana Hoppe, The Road Scholars originally consisted of eight hours of informal video interviews with 11 of the most well-known hustlers of the second half of the twentieth century. They were: Ronnie Allen, “Buffalo Danny” DiLiberto, Jimmy “The Philly Flash” Fusco, Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna, Truman Hogue, Billy “Cardone” Incardona, Wade “Boom Boom” Crane, “Champagne” Eddie Kelly, Grady “The Professor” Mathews, “Hippie Jimmy” Reid, and Vernon Eliot. Ms. Hoppe then spent about two years editing the content down to 70 minutes for the DVD release in 2010.

For those expecting a movie or a documentary or anything even close to a narrated story, prepare to be broken. There’s nothing here for you. Without setup or introduction, except an opening slide that reads, “The finest professional pool players and hustlers known collectively as the Road Scholars,” Ms. Hoppe drops the viewer into a back room (at the Derby Classic), where a roundtable bull session is in progress and Mr. Incardona is holding center stage.

The sound production quality is average, the camera work rarely captures the whole 11-person posse on screen, and there is an absolute disregard from the attendees that this video recording may be watched by someone in the future. Yet, it’s this nonchalance, coupled with the obvious camaraderie among the men that produces such candid, honest, and ribald storytelling.

Some of the stories are more enjoyable (and easier to follow) than others. I loved hearing Mr. Incardona regale the group with his tale of Artie Bodendorfer playing one-handed pool in Vegas and outlasting all the other players so that he could break them down over a period of days. (In The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers, the Beard similarly describes Mr. Bodendorfer, saying he could “play for 2 or 3 days on coffee only…He would pee about once every 24 hours. Playing against him was so brutal that Artie had two people drop dead playing with him.”)

Mr. DiLeberto shares a great yarn about conning Pool Wars author Jay Helfert out of money with three-to-one odds by throwing a golf ball 130 yards. The Beard, ever the raconteur, recounts an incredible tale (that he also chronicles in The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers) of beating James “Texas Youngblood” Blunt out of $1600, only to have give the money back after Blunt’s stakehorse, Al Sherman, threatened the Beard with a 9mm automatic, thinking the Beard had gotten Blunt to dump the game, when in fact the Beard “beat him on the square.” The Beard also relates an inconceivable story about trying to dupe Archie “The Greek” Karras into thinking he was an eccentric billionaire. That clip is available to watch here.

Woofing aside, some of the best parts of The Road Scholars are the most intimate ones. For example, it’s a tender scene when the Professor inducts Mr. Kelly into the One Pocket Hall of Fame. After accepting the award gracefully, Mr. Kelly, who was the only attendee to have been inducted into the Billiard Congress Hall of Fame (2003), said that being “considered by many peers in the late ‘60s to be the best all around player…that meant more to me than all the trophies.” Or, when the Beard turns to Mr. Eliot and praises his character by saying how he let the Beard off the hook by not accepting his wager that he couldn’t make a particular trick shot. Of course, the single best line goes to the Professor, who offers to bring the roundtable to a close by offering “thanks to all the wonderful ladies and the great pool players. I’ve enjoyed all the matches and all the nights of love-making.”

Two of the attendees, Mr. Fusco and Mr. Reid, unfortunately do not receive on-camera time in the final 70 minutes. And, oddly, there is some unexpected footage at the very end of Larry Liscotti doing card tricks and of “Boston Shorty” Larry Johnson struggling to remember some of his accomplishments.

The Road Scholars is available to purchase on Amazon. She also just released this past November The Road Scholars 2: The Final Chapter, which includes never before seen footage of The Road Scholars, One Pocket Hall of Fame dinner, The Derby City Classic and The US Open.

For those (like myself) who did not grow up familiar with these legends of pool, I highly recommend also reading The Beard’s The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers. It provides backgrounds on all the attendees, includes many of the same stories shared on the DVD, and most important, brings the uninitiated into the wild world of pool hustling.

Road Scholars

The Road Scholars ends with a slide indicating it is dedicated to “Vernon Eliot and all the players we lost.” It is a terribly sad irony that since the DVD’s release, the billiards world has now lost almost half of the original group of 11. We mourn not only the passing of Mr. Eliot, but also that of Mr. Allen, Mr. Bentivegna, Mr. Crane, and Mr. Mathews.   Their stories need to be preserved and their impact on the sport needs to be told. Thank you Ms. Hoppe for helping to make that happen.

Top 10 Cartoon Cue Stick Carriers

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Beetle Bailey - Cartoon BilliardsRecently, I stumbled across the cover of a 1967 Beetle Bailey comic book featuring Private Beetle Bailey in one of his many ongoing efforts to taunt, tease, and rattle Sergeant Orville Snorkel, this time as he attempts to play pool. Looking at Mort Walker’s snaggle-toothed military man set up his shot, it made me wonder how many other cartoon and animated characters played billiards. While the list below is far from comprehensive, it is my attempt to list the TOP 10 CARTOON (AND ANIMATED) CUE STICK CARRIERS. Let the countdown begin:

Pinnochio - Cartoon Billiards10. Pinocchio. Gepetto may be harboring some regrets now that the Blue Fairy has breathed some life into his wooden puppet Pinocchio. In the 1940 film Pinocchio, the path to becoming a real boy is littered with distractions, including playing pool with the delinquent Lampwick and taking deep drags on fat cigars. My advice: keep listening to your “conscience” Jiminy Cricket…except when it comes to shooting billiards. For that, better to listen to Lampwick. He’s quite the shark!

Pat & Mat - Cartoon Billiards9. Pat & Mat. In the 1994 “Billiard” episode of the Czech stop-motion animated series Pat & Mat, the two handymen are determined to play a game destíkový carambol, which is Czech for “tenfold carom,” a variation of the carom billiards game four-ball. However, a faulty table leg dooms the game to one Rube Goldbergian solution after another, with balls eventually falling down the toilet and exploding in the fireplace.

Casper - Cartoon Billiards8. Casper. It’s hard to believe the Friendly Ghost could hold a cue stick, never mind make three balls in the same shot, but apparently that’s what this affable phantasm is capable of, according to this 1958 comic book. The jury is still out whether being able to float through a table is a true advantage. He did scratch, after all.

 

Woody Woodpecker - Cartoon Billiards7. Woody Woodpecker. The anthropomorphic avian with the annoying laugh is a long-time pool player, based on the 2002 “Cue the Pool Shark” episode of The New Woody Woodpecker Show. Facing off against his nemesis Buzz Buzzard, Woody manages to outplay the cheater with a series of gravity-defying trick shots.

 

Rainbow Fish - Cartoon Billiards6. Rainbow Fish. In the 2000 “Pool Shark” episode of Rainbow Fish, Chomper’s cousin Slick is visiting Neptune’s Bay, where he likes to hang at Wanda’s Café, which has a new pool table. The piscine pool player dazzles initially, causing Rainbow to swear his allegiance as a personal assistant and blow off his other friends. But, apparently his game is more cheating than skills, causing one to question the real upside of playing with flippers.

Marvel-DC - Cartoon Billiards5. Captain America. DC and Marvel collide in the pool hall, as America’s #1 Freedom Fighter temporarily puts down his shield and picks up his cue stick. Unfortunately, he might have been a little too distracted by Rogue in her thigh-highs, as he ends up knocking over the Man of Steel’s drink. Major pool faux pas…but then judging by Cap’s stance and grip, billiards was never really his game.

Tom & Jerry - Cartoon Billiards4. Tom & Jerry. Viewers of Tom & Jerry will recall that these two animals can really brawl. In the 1950 episode “Cue Ball Cat,” the battle takes place in a pool hall. Over the course of seven minutes, Tom torments Jerry with a variety of billiards shots that leave him spinning, reeling, running, chalked, and even imprinted (temporarily, of course) with an 8-ball on the backside.  Jerry, never one to back down from the big kitty, fights back, batting billiards balls into Tom’s eyes, shooting the bridge like an arrow into Tom’s mouth, and fooling Tom into swallowing seven balls.

Fred Flintstone - Cartoon Billiards3. Fred Flintstone. “Twinkletoes” may be well-known for his bowling and golf games, but the famous caveman of bedrock also had a real talent for pool, even with slightly crooked sticks and uneven billiards balls. Flintstone showed off his skills in the 1960 Flintstones episode, “At the Races,” as he and his BFF Barney Rubble hatch a get-rich-quick scheme that involves owning a pool hall.

Death Billiards2. Death Billiards. For real high-stakes billiards, check out the “death match” between the young and old man in the 2013 anime film Death Billiards. These two have been brought to a bar to compete in a game of billiards and to “play as if their lives depended on it.”  While it’s unclear who actually wins the game, let’s just say one should never play pool with balls that are adorned with images of body parts.

 

Donald in Mathmagic Land1. Donald Duck. Even if his game is not great, Donald ultimately develops the best attitude about billiards, learning to appreciate the games for its mathematical beauty in the 1957 featurette Donald in Mathmagic Land.   With the Spirit providing the educational commentary on the diamond system and an unidentified Roman Yanez providing the incredible three-cushion billiards visuals, this duck is well on his way to becoming a shark.

So, there’s my Top 10 list. Just don’t let that Wascally Wabbit know he didn’t make the cut. I hear once he puts down the carrot and picks up the cue stick, he’s quite the pro. See a character missing? Let me know who would be on your Top 10.