Billiards Short Films Around the World (Part 3)

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In this latest segment of my global billiards cinematic peregrination, I traveled almost 17,000 miles across four different continents to watch four short films. But, this viewing expedition, while it surfaced some original perspectives on, and applications of, billiards in film, left me largely unsatisfied, especially compared to some of my previous jaunts. Let the journey begin, starting in South America.

Sinucada

I was looking forward to watching Sinucada, a 2018 Brazilian film created by 20-year-old Rafael Stadniki while he was studying cinema and advertising at Brasilia University. The movie’s poster looked fresh, and I thought the movie might provide a short lesson on sinuca brasileira, a Brazilian version of snooker, much like other international billiards films have educated me on the sport’s local variations. Unfortunately, the poster proved to be the film’s sole distinction, and there was no billiards lesson to be learned.

Sinucada begins with an early black-and-white promotional film reel introducing viewers to the University of Brazil, “the gem of Brazilian education… [where] the Academic Centers provide intrinsic activities such as conversation for tongue exchange, recreational herbs workshops, and sports competitions.” The two freshman protagonists, Kevin and Rafael, are eager to join an Academic Center, considered the social meccas of campus.  Joining a Center, however, requires passing a test – specifically, defeating a senior in the Traditional Snooker Challenge.

It’s a promising set-up, but Sinucada spirals into stupidity once the Center doors open, the lame dialogue begins, and the snooker-playing commences. The Center looks like a middle school clubhouse, which may be appropriate given the acting.  And the snooker bounces between lifeless and cockamamie, depending on whether one of the players is imbued with some supernatural force that enables him to pot balls. Sinucada is available to watch on YouTube.

The Hustle

The least original, but probably the most enjoyable, of the quartet is the 2013 Australian short film The Hustle, by first-time writer and director Topher Field. The seven-minute comedy stars Nikolai Nikolaeff as Troy, a quintessential pool hustler. Breaking the fourth wall, Mr. Nikolaeff begins the film by introducing the audience to the concept of a hustler (i.e., someone who is not “just the best pool player” but someone who “knows how to pick their targets, how to suck them in, and how to beat them”).

He then articulates, and executes, each of the “rules” of hustling, starting with “Plan your attack,” followed by, “Make contact,” “Lose,” and “Escalate.” This paint-by-numbers approach to hustling is pretty desperate writing, and makes you wonder if Mr. Field assumes his audience was born under a rock.  Fortunately, The Hustle has a real twist (albeit an obvious one) that once revealed helps the audience realize they were not intended to be the real idiot of the film.  The Hustle is available to watch on Vimeo.

The Hustle

Pool hustling is probably the most vulgarized trope in billiards films, so no wonder I found another film also titled The Hustle. Made by the Chicago-based husband and wife team David Tarleton and Adria Dawn, this four-minute film from 2019 focuses entirely on a confrontation between a broken man and the pool hustler who allegedly ruined his life.

A man is out $250,000, his wife left him, his daughter is not speaking to him, and his daughter’s college money is depleted. As they circle the pool table that separates them, the hustler (hunter) admits to some wrongdoing, and then proposes to the despondent man (prey) that they “play for it.” Since the broken man is “excellent at whupping [the hustler’s] ass in pool,” this seems like a great opportunity to even the score.  Of course, the pool hustler’s smile at the end of the film portends a very different outcome.  The Hustle is available to watch on YouTube, but be warned, there is no actual billiards in this film.

Precision

Rounding out my film foursome is Precision, a very short 2010 Indian movie directed by Indranil Kashyap and shot entirely in black-and-white. Precision focuses on an underworld don who receives an unsolicited human trafficking deal from a rather anxious woman. Her inappropriate proposal and annoying mien so irritates the don and interrupts his private snooker game that he unflinchingly spears the woman in the mouth with his cue stick. Having muted (literally!) the woman’s proposal, the don’s lackey then finishes the ritual by shooting her dead.

The premise is gruesome and the action is unexpected, but it’s all undermined by a poor billiards set-up (i.e., sloppy rack, unconvincing break, bad shots) and an execution rendered ridiculous by the woman falling over dead before the gun is even fired. Precision is available to watch on YouTube.

 

Game

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My billiards short films pilgrimage has allowed me to crisscross the planet, from Alberta, Canada (Penance) to Australia (The Billiards Room); from Sweden (Biljardkundgen) to Argentina (Maltempo); from Brazil (Inglorious Billiards) to Japan (Death Billiards).  Yet, in all my cinematic searches and layovers over the past seven years, I had never unearthed a billiards film from any of the 54 countries within the African continent.

That is, until two months ago, when I stumbled across Game, a 2017 movie shot in Buea, Cameroon. The 28-minute short film stars and is written and directed by Cyril Nambangi, a Cameroonian filmmaker currently living in the United States.

Mr. Nambangi plays Marcus, an individual bored with his day job who understands that one can learn a lot about women and specifically their habits and vulnerabilities by reviewing their social media presence. Marcus is attracted to Fesse (Nsang Dilong), a woman he knows but has never engaged with. Realizing from her Facebook posts that she recently ended a relationship and now frequents a local pool hall, he intentionally stops by. When the pool hall’s reigning loud-mouth champion pompously beats her in a game of billiards, he seizes his chance to dethrone the champion and impress Fesse. The gambit works, as Marcus humiliates the champion with a deft jump shot in the first game and sinking the 8-ball on a one-handed break in the second game.  Fesse becomes immediately attracted, and the rest is history.

The social media stalking plot is a bit cringe worthy, and while there is a lot of pool-playing in the film, it’s filmed rather uninterestingly, with the exception of the aforementioned shots. I found the most enjoyable parts of the film were the close-ups on Buea nightlife, as the streets, cuisine, and energy made the movie feel wonderfully authentic.

But, sometimes, the appeal of a film can be magnified by knowing its origins. Such is the story behind the making of Game, as recounted to me during a Zoom interview with Mr. Nambangi. “Film making in Africa? You just have to adapt,” he explained teasingly.

Let’s start with the impetus for the movie. Mr. Nambangi shared, “I am an amateur pool player and film maker….I do know how to shoot pool, all the guys in the film are my friends still based in Cameroon.  Whenever we meet, there is a big competition, everyone thinks they are the best player… [I came up with] a story that ties into that, [so I didn’t] need to train actors how to play pool. I did it in reverse: I got pool players then trained them how to act.”

Armed with his idea and cast, the next question was where to film within the town of Buea. A local university provided an unoccupied performing arts space to Mr. Nambangi for one night only to convert into a pool hall, so long as he could outfit it with the necessary pool table and seating.

But in Buea, there are only two locations that have functional pool tables, and people are shooting on them around the clock because “pool is the club’s money maker.” One of those locations is a club managed by three brothers. Incredibly, Mr. Nambangi got approval from the middle brother to borrow the pool table and some matching stools for the evening, so he picked up the equipment in a rented truck and transported it to the university for the shoot.

Fesse (Nsang Dilong)

After filming wrapped at 2AM, three members of Mr. Nambangi’s crew attempted to return the pool table. But, when they arrived, a different manager was on duty and he claimed he knew nothing about the missing table and stools, so he called the police, assuming his club had been robbed. He had the crew members promptly arrested. It would take lawyers working through the twilight hours to get them out of jail.

Around the same time the crew members were getting arrested for returning the table, Mr. Nambangi’s trio of local actresses (“dressed in little minis for their scene”) were heading home in taxis. Mr. Nambangi recounted what happened next:

“As soon as they got out of the taxi, a black maria (i.e., a police van) came up, door swung open, two officers jumped out, and drove off with the girls bringing them to the police station. We went to the police station and were told they were dressed indecently.  But, [the officers] were just looking for some bribery money. They think, ‘Give me something and you can go home.’ The girls were terrified. If you don’t have someone to call, you’re screwed. That’s how it goes for you. The police will keep you there for a couple of days. And those are not conditions where you want to stay.”

Fortunately, Mr. Nambangi was able to grease some hands and get the women released, bringing his night of multiple arrests to a close.

The coda to the film’s production came much later once Mr. Nambangi had competed the film and was trying to get it included at festivals through submission to the now defunct Withoutabox. Out of the blue, he was contacted by Amazon Prime, which offered him the chance to have it featured exclusively within their platform. (Note: IMDB, a subsidiary of Amazon, acquired Withoutabox in 2008.) For a budding filmmaker, the opportunity was irresistible.

The experience has been mostly positive for Mr. Nambangi, though the decision has come with some tough sacrifices. He explains, “Amazon Prime is not available in Cameroon, so my friends could not see the movie, and once on Prime, I could not submit it to festivals.  Everyone who has participated has still not seen the project. I was planning to do a local premiere, but we have a war situation, so I’m not going back there now.”

While it may be some time before his colleagues can watch and appreciate Game, I hope those who do have access to Amazon Prime will spend the half-hour and watch it. The movie is available here.

Billiards Short Films Around the World (Part 2)

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Two Sundays ago, I spent a wonderful afternoon celebrating Father’s Day with my dad and my two children. Not having seen my father since COVID-19 unleashed hell on earth, the day got me thinking about this uniquely special filial relationship.

In my previous blog post, I committed to taking readers around the world with billiards short films. I started with Biljar (Croatia), Biljardkundgen (Sweden), and Penance (Canada). In this post, I continue that global odyssey, with the added nuance of featuring films that address that father-child relationship. Those three films are Maltempo (Argentina), Breakin Balls (USA) and Break (Czech Republic).

Interestingly, fathers do not physically appear in Maltempo or Breakin Balls, yet they are still central characters, reflecting the ongoing and treasured influence of the paterfamilias. In this way, these films are a welcome departure from better known billiards movies, such as the recent Walkaway Joe or The Baron and the Kid, where deadbeat dads feature so prominently.

Maltempo

Without question, the 21-minute Maltempo, released in October of 2016, is the best among this trinity of billiards short films.  The setting is Buenos Aires, Argentina, 1942. Two poor Italian immigrant brothers, Cecilio and Paolo Maltempo, have sold their deceased father’s pocket watch, their last remaining physical memory of him, in order to prevent starvation. Cecilio is hot-headed and irascible. Paolo is thoughtful and even-keeled, his temperament and sensibility more closely aligned with their father’s, as we learn through a backstory told by Paolo to illustrate his father’s kindness (and the watch’s origin).

One evening, the Maltempos are provoked by a pair of rich, insolent Frenchmen, who are now in possession of the prized pocket watch. For a chance to win back the watch, the Frenchmen challenge the brothers to a 30-point match of three-cushion billiards. When the match is 28-25, Paolo is dared to make a game-winning six-cushion shot.  Knowing he can make the shot, Paolo anticipates that his success will result in the Frenchmen’s humiliation. While the Maltempos will win the match, violence will ensue, blood will be shed, and they will lose in the long run. [SPOILER ALERT!] Instead, Paolo invokes his father’s spirit, intentionally just missing the shot so that his opponents can save face. His opponent ultimately understands and repays him by returning the watch.

Directed by Alan Borodvsky, Maltempo is wonderfully filmed and saturated with a gorgeous mix of yellows and browns that evoke the era and the beauty of the locale. Unsurprisingly, Maltempo racked up an impressive dozen awards from the festival circuit.  The full film is available to watch on Sofy TV.

Breakin Balls

To be clear, Breakin Balls is not a good film by any conventional measure. Created in 2016 by first-time writer, producer and leading actress Natalie Pagano, the film focuses on a struggling South Philadelphia couple who enter the St. Patty’s Pool Tournament at J.W Hothead’s, a (real-life) hair salon with a pool table. The stakes are a $2000 prize, which is just enough to save their trailer and feed the future Little Frankie, assuming they can beat their foes, the Sharkey Twins.

Between the amateur acting and the wooden dialogue, Breakin Balls feels like an inside joke that mistakenly escaped the room.  And yet, there is something rather heartfelt about the film. Ms. Pagano is upfront that Breakin Balls is a tribute to her father, Anthony Pagano Sr. (aka Mr. P). She says he was an “avid billiards player who was studied by many…had his hustling moments but good heart and kind mannerisms…I was very fortunate to grow up watching my father run balls, he taught me everything I know…this film is in your honor.”

He was also the creator of the “famous” jump rod, Mr. P’s Jumpstick, which features prominently in the film. When Natalie is down in her match, a sultry courier suddenly arrives, bearing the famed stick. This gives Natalie all the power she needs to turn around the match and win the prize, thus also honoring her father.

The final scene, in which all players, opponents, and Hothead’s patrons, convene at the Trailer Park Community Center to dance, giggle, jiggle, and eat billiards-themed cupcakes, shows just how much fun the cast had in making the movie, even if that sentiment can’t be shared by the viewing audience.

Break

Unlike the previous two films, Break is a much more traditional father-child movie. This eight-minute documentary, released in 2012 and directed by Tom Weir, follows 11-year-old Calvin Washburn, and his father, Geoff, who spend alternating weekends together shooting billiards. The movie is available to watch here.

As Geoff only has his son on weekends, and “the pool tournaments are on weekends, so that’s we do.” For the film, that means traveling to a 9-ball competition in Ostrava, Czech Republic, to compete for 4000 Euro (approximately $4500 USD).

The premise has potential. Calvin started shooting pool when he was five, and he comes across as a typical awkward tween who is super comfortable on the table.  But, as a film, Break flounders because there is no tension, suspense or drama. In eight minutes, we don’t get to know Calvin or Geoff or learn much of their relationship.  And, the pool-playing is a bust because after winning his first match, Calvin loses, and then loses again. He may have “pocketed quite a bit of money” over the years, but there’s no joy or interest watching a kid get mopped.

 

To my father, and to all the fathers out there, Happy (belated) Father’s Day.

Billiards Short Films Around the World (Part 1)

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I’ll be honest. As my comprehensive list of billiards movies, TV episodes and short films surpassed 250, I thought I had probably hit a ceiling.  But recently, late one evening, I had a head-slap, do’h! moment research idea that had not occurred to me in six years. Rather than searching IMDB by keyword (e.g., “billiards,” “8-ball”), I would search by plot summary.

Plot summary search results from IMDB.com

Wow. That one change shattered the roof, surfacing no less than 35 new entries. The majority of these new discoveries are billiards short films from around the world that were made in the last 15 years.  Talk about rolling double sixes!

Having unearthed so many new short films, I am going to devote several upcoming blog posts to reviewing trios of these local movies. Today’s threesome: Biljar (Croatia), Biljardkundgen (Sweden), and Penance (Canada).

Biljar

Purists may deride my decision to call Biljar a billiards film, but I think the 7-minute Croatian film is worthy of inclusion. Released in 2018 by writer/director Dina Cvek, the movie occurs in a nondescript bar.  Asking “are you open?,” a couple enters and proceed to order beers and play billiards. Though the bar is otherwise empty, the billiards scene injects levity, especially because it’s powered by the high-energy sounds and whimsical lyrics of “The Accident of 1993” by Austin, Texas rockers Poly Action.

But, when the bartender temporarily steps out, everything gets topsy-turvy. Playfulness is replaced with dread thanks to the sudden music shift to the heavy metal of Regular Gonzales. The couple mysteriously disappears and reappears, and the bartender winds up on the wrong side of a gun. The film concludes by the bartender seemingly waking up, only to have the same opening scene and inquiry repeat. (This motif about the fleetingness of time is reinforced by a question asked in the film, “Why is the rabbit always running in Alice in Wonderland?” As Lewis Carroll readers know, the White Rabbit represents the pressure of time and the fear of missing a deadline.)

The film is available to watch here. Billiards fans: please don’t lose sleep over the cringey 30-second billiards montage. Biljar is not intended to be about pool.

Biljardkundgen

Translating in Swedish to “The Billiards King,” this 12-minute film from 2011 is about a youth center worker whose talent for billiards does not live up to his boasts about the sport.  Handsome and muscular (but oddly sporting a good bit of armpit sweat), Matte fancies himself a billiards hotshot. He likes to quote the opening lines of The Color of Money, he has a poster of The Hustler over the pool table, and he is fixated on shaping his cue tip while he giving creepy glances at the underage girls who frequent the center.

Trying to impress a new girl, he promises to defeat Ali, who is currently on the table, so he can teach the girl how to play. After losing the first game, he demands a rematch on a technicality. He then loses the second game, which prompts him, temper rising, to wager 100 krona (about $107 USD) on a final match. This too he loses after botching a gimme-shot on the 8-ball.

Aside from the novel location (I haven’t discovered any other billiards films that use a youth center as the battle arena of choice), Biljardkundgen is pretty unmemorable, and the pool playing is terrible.  The movie is available to watch here with English subtitles.

Penance

Certainly, of these three films, Penance is the closest to a traditional billiards film.  Directed by Ivet Koleva, this 12-minute film, shot in entirety at the beautiful Top Shots Billiards in Alberta, Canada, is about two seemingly unrelated characters, Lydia and Jimmy, reconciling their history over a 9-ball race to 15. Penance is available to watch on FilmFreeway.

Lydia, a mysterious young woman with a mounting reputation for running tables, seems to know a lot about her opponent. “You’re the famous Jimmy O, pool hall owner, tournament player, money game player, pool ambassador.” Jimmy does not recognize her, but gets his first wind that they have a connection when he recognizes her pool cue as one he used to own. Unable to undermine her confidence, the tête-à-tête leads to a 9-ball competition with Jimmy’s pool hall as the grand prize. I won’t spoil the story, though it’s neither hard to predict the outcome of the match nor the relationship between Jimmy and Lydia.

Given the centrality of billiards to the movie, I was surprised to learn that Ms. Koleva is not a player herself. In an email interview, she explained to me that she likes to “go out of her comfort zone to portray various subjects” and that she was inspired by the “love and lifelong dedication to billiards” from some people she knew.

Penance has received a mixed reaction from the billiards community. Some veteran players have been quick to categorize it as another movie that gets the details wrong when it comes to billiards.  It’s clear from their bridges and ways they jump after shooting that the actors don’t know how to play pool. It’s ridiculous that Jimmy would constrict his mobility by wearing a heavy leather jacket or that he would make such a high wager against a complete unknown.

But others, and I would lump myself into this latter category, believe that the movie tried to get it right and succeeded, especially through Greg Waggoner’s beautiful cinematography, in showing a respect for the sport.  As Ms. Koleva told me:

I have tried to come up with new scenes, colors and shots so that Penance can have different elements to it. Some of the shots within the match scene were unique and had to be planned out with billiard players. The specific scene where the final ball hits the corner rather than going in took quite a few shots to get right, which is part of the reason why we framed the shot so tightly (that, and it turned out more impactful when the camera is so close).

Ultimately, I think Geoff Bradshaw at Bradshaw Billiard Service, said it best, “If you want a movie that is about pool, with perfect attention to every detail of the game, watch an instructional DVD. I believe that this short film was beautifully produced. Nice story, nice lighting, nice camera work, decent acting, and a gorgeous pool hall. [They] did a great job.”[1]

[1]      https://forums.azbilliards.com/showthread.php?t=489623&page=2

Walkaway Joe

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It’s not just Joe who should walk away.  It’s anyone who had reasonable hopes that the pairing of estimable actors Jeffrey Dean Morgan and David Strathairn in Tom Wright’s directorial debut Walkaway Joe would make for decent, sheltered-in-place entertainment.  Unfortunately, the movie, which released on Amazon Prime earlier this month, is pretty insipid viewing. And that’s without even mentioning the billiards (more on that later).

The movie focuses on 14-year-old Dallas McCarthy (Julian Feder) who leaves home to go looking for his deadbeat, pool-hustling father Cal (Mr. Morgan).  In the search to find dad, he befriends Joe Haley (Mr. Strathairn), a loner who wanders the Louisiana highways in his Fleetwood Flair RV with his own estranged family issues haunting him.

The potential was all there: New Orleans, nine-ball, and Negan (the murderous leader of the Saviors most famously portrayed by Mr. Morgan on The Walking Dead).  With those kind of ingredients, why did Walkaway Joe stumble so badly? Let me count the ways.

First, it’s always a gamble when a movie centers on a child because you damn sure better cast the right actor. Alas, the 16-year old Mr. Feder is too inexperienced and unconvincing. He lacks the heft necessary to carry the film and portray the emotionally-wounded runaway.

Second, Michael Milillo’s script is banal and familiar, treading like a worn-out tire. I rarely quote other reviewers, but I fully agree with Christy Lemire, who writes for RogerEbert.com.  She said, “This is an overly familiar story of fathers and sons, of cycles of abandonment and years of pent-up resentments, without any fresh insight.”

Third, as someone who has spent many years living in New Orleans, I was hopeful the movie would have more of a local flavor, something akin to billiards films like The Baltimore Bullet or the still-in-production Ride the 9. But, aside from the occasional Purple Haze Abita beer sign, there is nothing about the setting that feels unique or interesting.

What’s worse is that for those familiar with the geography, Walkaway Joe introduces some ridiculous plot holes. For example, Julian and Joe appear to spend an entire day driving on the road, traveling from Fatty’s in Baton Rouge to Lacy’s Cue Sports Bar in New Orleans.  But that stretch on I-10 East is all of 80 miles.  They could have walked the distance faster.

Finally, there is the billiards, which from the movie’s poster to the opening scene to the final nine-ball tournament features prominently enough that I definitely qualify Walkaway Joe as a “billiards movie.” But, three minutes into the opening scene, my billiards queasiness was already setting in.  Julian provides an off-screen voice-over in which he describes the game, “There are all sorts of ways to hit a cue ball…but it’s where you send the cue ball next that separates you from the others.”  Really? That’s the sort of insight I expect from a Saturday morning special.

Mr. Morgan’s follow-up, narrated while he hustles someone out of a few dollars, is equally cringe worthy, “Nine-ball is succession pool…you knock them down in order.  It takes skill. More important, it takes foresight.  9-ball: the sport of kings.”

There is some playing that occurs early on, with a few nice shots, but largely the story is leading up to the 12th Annual 9-ball Open at Lacy’s. Father and son, having failed to reconcile their differences, now compete for the winner-takes-all $10,000 pot.

Mr. Morgan seems comfortable with a cue stick.  We know from a season seven Walking Dead episode, it’s not his first time at the table. (In fact, he tweeted in April that his pool skills on display were attributable to “some misspent youth finally pay[ing] off.”)  Mr. Feder, maybe less so, but credit to his coach, Louisiana local Joey Aguzin, for getting him to a reasonable level.  As Mr. Feder shared recently:

After I got the part I started training with a coach in LA and purchased a pool table so I could practice. I would play multiple hours at a time. When I went to Louisiana for preproduction, I started coaching with Joey Aguzin the pool consultant for the movie. People don’t realize how much physical and mentally demanding pool is. It’s really an incredible sport. The cool thing about all the training is I was able to do all my own shots for the film.[1]

The tournament play includes the usual montage of some movie-friendly trick shots coupled with the rapid-fire pocketing of balls, and of course, a shooting the 9-ball on the break for an instant win.  But, the final dad-versus-son game bordered on the ridiculous. The cue ball control, so lauded in the opening scene, was severely lacking, as what should have been a simple run culminated with a much higher risk bank shot for the win.

Lest my criticism be completely one-sided, I will add that Mr. Strathairn, an Oscar-nominated (Good Night, and Good Luck) and Emmy-winning (Temple Grandin) actor, can breathe life into any character and is a general joy to watch on screen.

And, the billiards scenes in Walkaway Joe, while lacking realism, did highlight the sport’s appeal and the crowd’s admiration for a well-played game.  As JB Cases posted on the AZ Billiards Forum:

I am happy for any showcasing of pool that has any small potential for causing anyone to want to start playing. Yes this shows the seedier aspects, badly, but it does also show the tournament side and admiration of a crowd for well played pool. It shows that a person can make good money playing in a tournament vs. hustling in dangerous situations. Even if that lesson was not explicit I still liked redemption through excellence message.

[1]      “Interview with Walkaway Joe star Julian Feder,” Fansided, May 19, 2020.

Klassik

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Six years ago, when I first started compiling my list of every billiards-themed movie, TV episode, and short film with the goal of reviewing each one, I knew I had a problem when I came across the 1998 Russian movie, Klassik. Unlike many foreign films which are released with English subtitles, this film was entirely in Russian. There was no translation, no cheap dubbing, and I had no bilingual compatriot to paraphrase the movie as I watched.  As they say in Russian, I was povezlo.

What’s worse, but no surprise, is that as my list grew, so too did the number of unwatchable movies. For every Io, Chiara e lo scuro that I could locate with subtitles (The Pool Hustlers in Italian), I was thwarted by a copy of Pakners in its native Filipino, or O Jogo Da Vida in Portuguese.

Fortunately, the past decade has experienced numerous improvements in speech-to-text recognition, the interdisciplinary field combining computer science and linguistics.  And, these improvements are at our fingertips within YouTube, where 500 hours of video are uploaded every minute and now available in more than 50 languages, from Afrikaans to Zulu.  As my technically savvier brother shared with me, the process is as easy as:

  1. Find the video on YouTube
  2. Turn on subtitles/closed captions
  3. Go to Settings, select auto-translate, and select your preferred language.

Voila!  (That’s really it?? Yes.) Suddenly, the once inaccessible Klassik, the crown jewel of Russian billiards films, can now be watched. The full movie is available here.

Or so I thought.

Alas, the speech translation leaves much to the imagination, as it seems to be entirely literal, unable to make sense of phrases, colloquialisms, and grammatical variance. What’s worse, the translation does not differentiate among speakers, so a typical conversation (at 03:20) reads like, “Is it worth it? Wait for rich answer. For such grandmothers of all the old goats with my own hands peremushu mind no need to be finish yourself someday.”

As such, my ability to review Klassik was severely hamstrung, and I suspect I followed less than 20% of the movie. The lack of online reviews didn’t help. My best guess is that the film starts with the decision of Savitsky, a regional authority, who backs out of an agreement to financially honor the old guard of Russian billiards. This decision must be punished, so certain Russian mafia set up an elaborate hustle in which Savitsky ends up wagering a large sum of money to compete against Gorsky, a writer, who also happens to be an excellent billiards player. Gorsky get injured, preventing him from competing, so his ally Yura takes his place. There is something going on where the billiards table is illegally wired to allow Gorsky to manipulate the balls remotely, but in the final match, that proves unnecessary, I guess.

Klassik took me three sittings to complete, and that’s only partially attributable to the translation issues. The 101-minute film moved at a glacial pace, culminating in an uninteresting billiards battle that lasted all of 60 seconds. The final scene, in which a member of the Russian billiards old guard steadies his arthritic hand in front of a crowd of onlookers just long enough to make a highly technical three ball trick shot, is far more satisfying.

While the movie proved to be a bust, Klassik is noteworthy for advancing my billiards education by focusing on the billiards variant known as Russian pyramid, a form of pocket billiards played on a modified snooker table with narrower pockets. According to Wikipedia, “All games begin with fifteen numbered white balls racked in a pyramid pack. Players may pocket any object balls on the table regardless of number. The first player to pocket eight or more balls wins the frame. In addition, shots do not have to be called.”  The challenge is that the corner pockets are only 3 mm (approx. ​3⁄16 in) wider than the diameter of the ball, so tremendous precision is required.  In Klassik, I believe they are playing free pyramid rules, in which “any ball may be used as the cue ball. Players can pocket the ball they struck if it hits another ball first, with the goal being to carom the struck ball off of one or more other balls into a pocket.”

So, what movie should I attempt next with speech-to-text translation?  Perhaps, Karambolage (German)? Or maybe, El Embustero (Spanish)?  Oh, who am I kidding…Walkaway Joe just dropped on Amazon yesterday.  Time to see how Jeffrey Dean Morgan does with a pool cue.

Animated about Billiards Short Films

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Ralph Bakshi, the great American animator of movies such as Fritz the Cat and American Pop, said, “What’s most important in animation is the emotions and the ideas being portrayed. I’m a great believer of energy and emotion.”[1]

I think Mr. Baskshi would then be pleased with the three short animated billiards films I recently discovered – Fresh Green, Inglourious Billiards, and New York Billiards – as each bubbles with energy and emotion.

Fresh Green

It’s not just the green that is “fresh” in Ida Greenberg’s 4+ minute billiards stop-motion animation Fresh Green. The whole film is wonderfully fresh and original, and very consistent with Ms. Greenberg’s self-described visual style of “erring on the side of quirky…often humorous, dark, or strange.”

A student at Maryland Institute College of Art, Ms. Greenberg created Fresh Green as her senior thesis project.  Her original project idea had nothing to do with pool, but when that idea wasn’t working and with deadlines quickly approaching, she turned to billiards.  As she shared with me in an email interview, “My apartment building at the time had a pool table, so I would occasionally play by myself. I’m a complete novice when it comes to billiards, but I find playing to be very meditative and strategic. So the idea of billiards was bound to make its way into my work, and Fresh Green is that project.”

The film starts out simply with a lone patron playing pool. By accident, he unhinges a floor board, which reveals a wide-eyed, solid blue, human-like being laying supine beneath the floor. Initially shocked, the patron recognizes the being is the same color as the 2-ball, so he feeds him the ball. This sustenance energizes the being to emerge from the floor and exit the bar.

In the film’s eeriest moment, the patron then slowly looks to see what else is beneath the floor. He discovers an entire colony of similar beings, sardined together, as if hidden in a bunker, or quarantined, or locked away for future experimentation like something out of The X-Files. Each being matches the color and pattern of a different billiards ball. As they are literally fed their respective billiard balls, they each emerge and gaily leave free. But, when the patron starts a new game, they return (or are summoned?) to their original hermitage.

Fresh Grass took an estimated 2600 hours to complete, so the film was not finished until late 2018, after Ms. Greenberg had already graduated.  Since that time, it has shown at numerous festivals and garnered multiple awards. To watch the film, you must contact the director through her website.

Inglourious Billiards

Talk about a labor of love.  As part of a final project for a 2D animation course, Brazilian animator João Cardoletto spent three years creating his 4-minute film Inglourious Billiards, which was inspired by the classic Twilight Zone billiards episode, “A Game of Pool.”

Released in the United States in late-2016 at Animation Nights New York, the film focuses on a game of pool between two men that turns into a fierce battle to win the attention of a beautiful patron who has just arrived at the bar. Geniality and sportsmanship succumb to jealousy and rage as the two players demonstrate increasingly daring, imaginative and outlandish billiard shots to woo the woman.  Two of my favorites include pouring the woman’s martini on the ball and lighting it on fire to make a triple bank, and cracking open the 7-ball to release a bird that then hatches (!!) the 7-ball into the corner pocket.

While the notion of a pool game going wildly off the rails is not original to billiards animation (e.g., Dirty Pool; Kikioriki – “The Game Must Go On”), Mr. Cardoletto’s bold, lively visual style and exaggerated characters are highly enjoyable. A teaser for his film is available here, and additional information is on Mr. Cardoletto’s website.

New York Billiards

Released in Germany in 2013 and nominated for an award at the Regensburg Short Film Festival in 2014, New York Billiards is 3+ minutes of emotionally poignant and evocative billiards animation.  The movie is available to watch here.

Created by Thyra Thorn, a multimedia artist whose oeuvre extends into movies, crime novels, poems, and comics, New York Billiards traces the continuous path of a billiards ball as it is shot across the New York City skyline.  Set to intensely escalating music, the crude charcoal-drawn ball contrasts with the black-and-white photographed Manhattan architecture.

As ominous as the first half of the film is, the second half is far grimmer. An unidentified player, perhaps an investment shark or real estate tycoon, shoots the ball back in motion. The ball retraces its course, but this time unleashing destruction on the city, with fires, tidal waves, and electric storms flattening buildings and uprooting landmarks.

As the Empire State Building topples over, the final scene is the ball falling off the skyline’s precipice. With nothing left to raze, we hear someone nasally remark, “Oh no,” the only two words of the film. The diabolical game, played by faceless and untouchable overlords and gamemasters, has ended, at least for now.

[1]      Ralph Bakshi was also no stranger to billiards, as evidenced by this memorable scene from Fritz the Cat.

Next Time, Don’t Skip Science: The Physics of Billiards

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As the 1959 animated short film Donald in Mathmagic Land taught us, billiards is a game of mathematics, specifically of angles.  Remembering that the angles of incidence and reflection are the same, or understanding the table’s diamond system, benefits a player greatly.

Every bit as important as the mathematics, however, is the science. The physics of billiards is critical to the game, as the sport is all about transferring energy from the cue ball to an object ball.  A player’s ability to leverage the two forces at work – linear momentum and angular momentum – separates the top athletes from the rest of the pack.

Think such wonkish topics don’t make for compelling entertainment? Think again. At least three different documentary television series have delved into the science to bring these concepts to life. Those series are Time Warp, Discover Science, and Outrageous Acts of Science.  Let’s dive in.

Time Warp

Time Warp, the oldest of the three series, first aired on the Discovery Chanel in the United States in March 2008.  The series features MIT scientist Jeff Lieberman and cameraman Matt Kearney using high-speed cameras to capture and slow down everyday events for the purpose of understanding the physics.

The first-season “Samurai Sword Master” episode (November, 2008) examines the physics behind various cue strokes made by billiards professional Liz Ford. (At the time, Ms. Ford was a top-ranked pro on the Women’s Professional Billiard Association tour. She has since retired from competitive pool to run the Green Mountain APA Pool League, as well as write articles for PoolDawg, a sponsor of my blog.)

The first shot is the break, examined at 170x slower than normal speed.  This is followed by her stop spin and massé shots.  The highlight is watching her backspin shot, “time-warped at 2000 frames/second,” which enables the viewer to see the cue ball rotate five times before finally retracing its path backwards. Even Ms. Ford seems impressed.  The full episode is available to watch here.

Discover Science

Discover Science is a DVD series from 2012 that focuses on “spectacular experiments to sharpen your sense of science.” Starting with the first episode that sought to explain how 500 eggs could support the weight of a 1700 pound camel, the series utilized a team of “Experiment Rangers” to lead the experiments through trial and error and ultimately demonstrate the physical laws of nature.

“Let’s Play Long Billiards,” the 11th episode in the series, seeks to answer the question “how long does force travel?” by shooting a cue ball into an ever-increasing number of billiards balls. Professional billiards player Hideaki Arita (currently ranked #52 in Japanese Professional Billiards Association) joins the experiment as the expert cue ball stroker.

The episode begins with the experiment of shooting a cue ball into 16-foot long consecutive line of 90 balls to see if the 90th ball moves. (Yes, it does, easily.) Subsequent experiments increase the ball count eventually to 630 balls (114 feet), with the final ball still successfully moving. While the episode is clearly aimed at a young demographic, “Let’s Play Long Billiards” does a great job of revealing how the slightest imperfections (e.g., two balls not completely touching) can cause problems with accuracy and the transfer of forward momentum.

Outrageous Acts of Science

The final series is Outrageous Acts of Science, a Science Channel program in the US that features professional scientists, mathematicians and engineers reviewing and explaining internet videos of homemade science experiment and stunts, often accompanied by warnings of “don’t try this at home.” Now in its tenth season, the series first aired in April 2013.

In January 2015, the third season kicked off with the episode “Fact of Fake?” that includes a jaw-dropping billiards trick shot in which the cue ball, starting at the left back corner pocket makes a near-parabolic path around a straight line of approximately 40 balls bisecting the table to then pocket a ball in the right back corner pocket. The episode can be watched here.[1]

While the shot stuns some of the series’ experts, billiards enthusiasts will instantly identify the shot as real because the shot-maker is none other than Florian “Venom” Kohler, perhaps the world’s top trick shot artist and the (current) owner of six Guinness world records related to billiards.  As Venom modestly says, “Why would I fake it when I can do it?”

But, even if we know it’s real, we appreciate the explanations from the episode’s experts, physicists Helen Arney and Saad Sarwana, who contrast how “us mortals just hit a ball straight, giving the ball forward linear momentum…but, Florian is giving it linear momentum and [a lot of] angular momentum, where he strikes the ball off-center to make it spin very fast.”

So the next time you start tuning out when the conversation turns to science, just remember in billiards it’s all about the physics (and the math).

[1]      A huge thank you to my professional colleague, Metis Chief Data Scientist Deborah Berebichez, who is one of the experts on Outrageous Acts of Science, for informing me about this episode.

Supernatural – “The Gamblers”

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I’m frequently troubled by the lack of respect for billiards in pop culture.  I’m not talking about the cheap fascination with pool hustlers, the overuse of ridiculous trick shots, or the inevitable pool hall brawl.  All of these tropes reveal a certain lack of imagination or wanton trafficking in caricatures, but not inherently disrespect.  No, my lament has to do with the regular disregard for, and misrepresentation, of the rules of the game and the skill it involves, as if accuracy and verisimilitude have no role in a billiards movie or television episode.  The latest malefactor: “The Gamblers” episode of Supernatural.

Supernatural - "The Gamblers"Maybe if this were some third-rate, bargain basement series on late-night cable, I might be more forgiving.  But, Supernatural, a dark fantasy television series that launched in 2005, is now the longest-running American live-action fantasy TV series. Supernatural follows two brothers as they hunt demons, ghosts, monsters, and other supernatural beings. Currently airing its fifteenth and final season, the series averages more than one million weekly viewers; has spawned 17 novels, several comic book series, and multiple TV and anime spinoffs; and has received 45 awards and 151 nominations.  To put it bluntly, this is a show that can afford to get it right.

Supernatural - "The Gamblers"“The Gamblers” episode, which aired on January 30, 2020, finds Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki) and his brother Dean (Jensen Ackles) at an Alaskan bar named Lurlene’s, where people bet their luck in games of pool.[1] As one cashier describes it, “If you win, you come back lucky. But, no one ever does…it’s a pool hall that makes you lucky or might kill you.” As it turns out, the pool hall is run by Atrox Fortuna, aka the Roman goddess of luck, who explains that her kind were created by God to take the blame from mankind when things go wrong, so this bar is her form of payback.

The plot didn’t make much sense to me, but it’s the billiards, not the storyline, which is my gripe.  Let’s start with the first match of 8-ball between Dean and Fortuna, who responds favorably to Dean’s cringe-inducing hustler strategy, “If the fish aren’t biting, throw them a little chum.” The match is hardly nail-biting, with Dean clearing the table quickly.  His game-winning 8-ball shot involves banking the cue off the rail to sink the eight in the corner pocket closest to him. And while he does sink the ball, it’s only after an uncalled double-kiss that by standard bar pool rules would constitute a foul and therefore a loss of game.[2] But, in “The Gamblers” there is no acknowledgement of this faux pas.  It’s as if the rules didn’t matter.

The second transgression is far more egregious. Dean, having decided that the brothers “have to minimize risk, maximize profit…it’s like a Fast Eddie…from Dad’s favorite…Paul Newman, The Hustler,” decides that he will play one more match to up his luck and sets out to find his “Jackie Gleason.”[3] A cowboy named Joey 6 agrees to play Dean.  As the game gets down to the final balls, it appears Joey 6 has immobilized Dean behind an opposing ball such that he can’t pocket the 8-ball.  Making it double-or-nothing, Dean beats Joey 6 by performing a jump shot to win the game.  EXCEPT, it’s an illegal scoop jump shot, a blatant billiards violation that is ignored by the players, actors, script-writers and director. It’s the equivalent of scoring a touchdown and disregarding the pass interference, or overlooking goaltending, or allowing a batted puck to count as goal.  The net effect of this blind eye to official rules is that Joey 6 runs out of luck and effectively dies from lung cancer.  Imagine if the rules had been followed.

There is an early moment in “The Gamblers” when Dean says to Sam, “Pool…the game of champions, kings, my game, hell, our game…how many great memories do we have hustling pool?”  That prompted me to search the Supernatural archives, and sure enough, this was the third episode to feature the brothers playing billiards.  The first was in Season 4 (“I Know What You Did Last Sumer”) and the more recent was in Season 10 (“Inside Man”).

Supernatural - "The Gamblers"And, lest you think “The Gamblers” was a fluke, this disregard for the actual rules of pool was on display in the earlier seasons, too.  In this clip from “Inside Man,” Dean is again in full-hustle mode, this time to teach a lesson to some overconfident college kids.  But, as he prepares the table for 8-ball, he racks the balls incorrectly, putting two stripes in the corners.

While I may not be the target demographic for this series, my review comes down to a few superlatives: Supernatural is super disappointing and super inauthentic.

[1]      Fun fact: Lurlene is derived from Lurlei, and altered to Lorelei. In Germanic legend, Lorelei was a beautiful siren who sat upon a rock in the Rhine River and lured sailors to shipwreck and death.

[2]      I understand if they are playing APA rules then Dean’s shot would be permitted.  But, who’s kidding who? This is Lulerne’s in Alaska, not the 8-Ball World Championship.

[3]      This horribly forced reference to The Hustler makes no sense, given Fast Eddie loses to Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason) in their initial matchup.

Top 8 List of Billiards Players Promoting Products

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For professional athletes, product endorsements and commercial cameos are a part of the game and can translate to big dollars. This past year, tennis star Roger Federer received $86 million in endorsements – almost 12 times his earnings/winnings. Golfer Tiger Woods has raked in more than $1 billion (!!) in endorsements since 1996.[1]

For certain products, the linkage is obvious, such as Nike and Michael Jordan.  In billiards, think of Shane Van Boening and Cuetec Cues.  The affiliation between Florian Kohler and Ozone Billiards is so strong, he seemingly named his “Big O” trick shot after the billiards supply store.

But, on many occasions, the athletic celebrity involvement can feel a bit stretched. Why was racing driver Danica Patrick the best choice for Go Daddy, or why did the Little Tikes toy company tap all-star hoopster LeBron James? And, nothing compares to Pro Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath promoting Beautymist panty hose.

Professional billiards players are not immune to this corporate camera-mugging cameo. In the past 40 years, more than a handful of players have extended their personal brand beyond the standard billiard supplies. So, as you think about individuals to tap for endorsements, I present, from worst to best, my Top 8 List of Pro Billiards Players Promoting Products.

  1. Heinz Baked Beans. After watching first a child and then a teenage redhead spoon some beans, the final persona to finish out the carrot-topped trinity of eaters is snooker champion Steve Davis. So high was Mr. Davis’ Q-score in the late ‘80s that he did not even need to shoot billiards in this commercial.  Simply chalking his knife was sufficient.
  1. Cream Silk. In 2018, the Philippines #1 hair brand signed on Shanelle Lorraine to star in their mainstream hair care commercials. The rising star (“billiards champion” is a bit of a stretch), whose looks have attracted more attention than her game, brings “beauty and power,” in the form of loud shots, coupled with ever-flowing hair, to the red-felted table.
  1. Infiniti Q50 Eau Rogue. Expectations were high for Nissan’s luxury hot rod when it premiered at the 2014 Detroit Auto Show. The prototype appeared in a promotional video that pitted racing driver Sebastian Vettel against Pan Xiaoting, who won the 2007 WPA world championship. In the video, Xioting says she achieved the highest speeds of her life. Unfortunately, her involvement was not enough to save the Eau Rogue. It was cancelled the following year.
  1. San Miguel Pale Pilsen. This 2009 commercial may be in Tagalog, but you don’t need to understand it to instantly recognize world billiards champion Efren Reyes, who is joined by a trio of Filipino a-listers (boxer Manny Pacquiao, model Derek Ramsay, and actor/comedian Michael V). Beers, laughs, and a mystery bowl of peanuts follow.
  1. K-Boxing. They are never identified, and no billiards tables or paraphernalia appear in the commercial. But, there they are – world snooker champions Mark Selby and Judd Trump – posing, flexing, and leaping through the air in their K-Boxing attire. The 2012 campaign was part of the Chinese top-tier menswear manufacturer’s rollout of their “Snooker Brand Marketing Season,” which was designed to capitalize on the increasing appeal of snooker across China.
  1. Carling Black Label. In the 1970s and ‘80s, two of the world’s biggest names in snooker were Terry Griffiths and John Spencer. These rivals clashed often, but their most memorable match may have been when Gentleman John accidentally shot a ball into the nuts of the referee. When the “uncompromising” ref crushes the ball with his bare hand, the only solution considered to calm him is the leading lager with a “fuller flavor than any other.”
  1. 2011 Ford Explorer. “Does the rear seat fold flat?” That was the question being asked of the redesigned Ford Explorer. Who better to answer than the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee, who brought her pool game to the back seat, breaking the balls and making a titillating cue-ball-into-stiletto-shoe combination.
  1. Miller Lite Beer. The grand poobah of this category is Miller Lite, with its 1978 and 1980 commercials starring Steve Mizerak. The original featured the Miz making a series of trick shots, then closing with, “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off.” The 1980 follow-up includes a who’s-who of personalities, such as Bubba Smith, Mickey Rooney, and Rodney Dangerfield, all competing against the Miz.  But, he beats them handily, and leaving with actress Lee Meredith on his arm, says snarkily the key to his success is, “practice, practice, practice.”

Whether this list will make you rethink your product endorsement strategy is debatable, but it might make you reach for a Tuborg Gold courtesy of Ray Reardon.

 

This article first appeared in BCA Insider – BCA New Year Edition 2020.

[1]   “The World’s Highest Paid Athletes,” Forbes, June 11, 2019